The Stalling Rant
I am stalling. This is me stalling. I don't know why I am stalling. I promised myself I would call him tonight, but I just can't. Damn I'm standing in the way of my own happiness. How long has it been since I've been standing in the way of my own happiness? I always assumed he didn't like me, he SAID he didn't like me, but now apparentely he does. I've known that for two months and now I know he probably wants to talk to me since he, you know, TOLD me to call, but I can't. What the hell is wrong with me? Ignore me, I'm just ranting now, mostly in effort to stall. Still stalling! What's wrong with me? Sorry, there've been breaks. Like, when Julia calls. There were about three things I could have done tonight, but I chose not to do them because I promised myself I would stay here because I PROMISED myself I would call him tonight.
I'm being so stupid! Why won't I just call him? Why won't I do it? I could, he's probably home, but maybe he's not, wouldn't I feel stupid then, to get myself all worked up about it, call him, and he wouldn't be there. Jeez.
NO he'd probably say that he couldn't talk, you know, because he probably COULDN'T, it's not as if he just sits by the phone with nothing to do, like the whole universe revolves around me making this call and he'd automatically be there. But knowing me, I'd take it personally. I just know I would. And how do I know this? Because we've already been through it!
You know, I keep typing words, and they keep coming up as being typed in the wrong order. NOw, is my keyboard just slow, or am I typing screwed-up-illy? Considering the way I just spelled the word now, I think it's me!
Yep. Still stalling.
STALLING STALLING STALLIGN STALLING THERE DID YOU SEE THE WORD STALLING COME OUT WEIRD I'M JUST TOO LAZY TO BACKSPACE IT NOW JUST STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STILL JUST STALLING WHY WON'T I STOP STALLING THIS IS STUPID I SHOULD JUST CALL HIM!!
But what if he doesn't want me to call him?
Ha. Then I won't talk to him. That's the worst that could happen. And what happens if I don't call him? I WON'T TLAK TO HIM! Now there's a breakthrough, same thing happens, hmm...pattern? Sheesh!
I'm SCARED!!!!!! out of my wits, out of my mind with fear. I know. I have the directory in front of me. I'll call someone and stall some more.
Damn it, not home. Let's see....who next?
Dammit! I could call half the freaking directory but I don't WANT to call any of those people, the only real person I want to call is Andy, but I CAN'T becuas I'm a CHICKENSHIT! I keep making typing mistakes, and I keep backspacing and making the same MISTAKES four or five times because I'm preoccupied!
You know, I had a dream last night that Julia, Sarika, Elissa and I hopped on a schoolbus because we wanted to talk to Dominic, but then the bus pulled away and we were all like "oh crap, we're on the wrong bus" and the bus driver wouldn't stop, we just left. so we were rolling along, and Dominic was like ten rows back and we were yelling to him, and there were a ton of sophomore guys back there with Dominic, and I didn't know a single one of them. And the four of us got sick of talking to Dominic, and we started up our own conversations, when the entire guys group back there struck up a conversation about Andy, and they started asking me about him, and then (because they all miraculously went to grade school with him, even Dominic - oh wait, Dominic actually DID go to grade school with Andy, w/e) and they were telling me things that they remember about him, memories that I told myself I was going to relay to Andy, and one kid was all like, "call lukowski and say something about hanging out the window of a truck singing and he'll know who you're talking about" and i remember thinking to myself, "yeah i should call andy" and i woke up with the same urge. I should call andy, and that brings us back to now. the urge still hasn't gone away, but I sitll cann't bring myself to call him.
forget it. i give up. there's no recapturing the nerve. crap! and i really wanted to talk to him tonight. why do i have to suck??
I'm being so stupid! Why won't I just call him? Why won't I do it? I could, he's probably home, but maybe he's not, wouldn't I feel stupid then, to get myself all worked up about it, call him, and he wouldn't be there. Jeez.
NO he'd probably say that he couldn't talk, you know, because he probably COULDN'T, it's not as if he just sits by the phone with nothing to do, like the whole universe revolves around me making this call and he'd automatically be there. But knowing me, I'd take it personally. I just know I would. And how do I know this? Because we've already been through it!
You know, I keep typing words, and they keep coming up as being typed in the wrong order. NOw, is my keyboard just slow, or am I typing screwed-up-illy? Considering the way I just spelled the word now, I think it's me!
Yep. Still stalling.
STALLING STALLING STALLIGN STALLING THERE DID YOU SEE THE WORD STALLING COME OUT WEIRD I'M JUST TOO LAZY TO BACKSPACE IT NOW JUST STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STALLING STILL JUST STALLING WHY WON'T I STOP STALLING THIS IS STUPID I SHOULD JUST CALL HIM!!
But what if he doesn't want me to call him?
Ha. Then I won't talk to him. That's the worst that could happen. And what happens if I don't call him? I WON'T TLAK TO HIM! Now there's a breakthrough, same thing happens, hmm...pattern? Sheesh!
I'm SCARED!!!!!! out of my wits, out of my mind with fear. I know. I have the directory in front of me. I'll call someone and stall some more.
Damn it, not home. Let's see....who next?
Dammit! I could call half the freaking directory but I don't WANT to call any of those people, the only real person I want to call is Andy, but I CAN'T becuas I'm a CHICKENSHIT! I keep making typing mistakes, and I keep backspacing and making the same MISTAKES four or five times because I'm preoccupied!
You know, I had a dream last night that Julia, Sarika, Elissa and I hopped on a schoolbus because we wanted to talk to Dominic, but then the bus pulled away and we were all like "oh crap, we're on the wrong bus" and the bus driver wouldn't stop, we just left. so we were rolling along, and Dominic was like ten rows back and we were yelling to him, and there were a ton of sophomore guys back there with Dominic, and I didn't know a single one of them. And the four of us got sick of talking to Dominic, and we started up our own conversations, when the entire guys group back there struck up a conversation about Andy, and they started asking me about him, and then (because they all miraculously went to grade school with him, even Dominic - oh wait, Dominic actually DID go to grade school with Andy, w/e) and they were telling me things that they remember about him, memories that I told myself I was going to relay to Andy, and one kid was all like, "call lukowski and say something about hanging out the window of a truck singing and he'll know who you're talking about" and i remember thinking to myself, "yeah i should call andy" and i woke up with the same urge. I should call andy, and that brings us back to now. the urge still hasn't gone away, but I sitll cann't bring myself to call him.
forget it. i give up. there's no recapturing the nerve. crap! and i really wanted to talk to him tonight. why do i have to suck??