Martyrdom
Oh, fuck it. I don’t know why I bother with the niceties. I write something out and then it just looks BORING and I can’t figure out why. I think I’m starting to see it now, though. It’s like… I don’t know. I’m always filtering myself.
Uh. Yeah. Because here’s the deal. I have a lot of problems regulating my emotions at stressful times, and because my emotions are all over the place, I engage in some really wrongheaded rationalizations. You know? I manage to have a lot of conflicting feelings about whether or not I should be guilty for all my selfishness in life or if I should be more assertive and not let people walk all over me. Yeah, I feel like I’m selfish and overgenerous at the same time.
And I probably am! You know? I come from a very long line of enablers, and I see traits of my mother’s emerging in myself. Combine that with the controlling, bossy qualities I get from my dad and you get a person like me: Who begrudgingly “does everything around here” - in work settings, in home settings, whatever… But I SUSPECT I condition some people to become dependent on me.
And now I’m a mom, and I’m responsible for raising a decent human being, and it seems like a daunting task.
And my husband is, more often than not, like a giant kid.
Ugh.
Uh. Yeah. Because here’s the deal. I have a lot of problems regulating my emotions at stressful times, and because my emotions are all over the place, I engage in some really wrongheaded rationalizations. You know? I manage to have a lot of conflicting feelings about whether or not I should be guilty for all my selfishness in life or if I should be more assertive and not let people walk all over me. Yeah, I feel like I’m selfish and overgenerous at the same time.
And I probably am! You know? I come from a very long line of enablers, and I see traits of my mother’s emerging in myself. Combine that with the controlling, bossy qualities I get from my dad and you get a person like me: Who begrudgingly “does everything around here” - in work settings, in home settings, whatever… But I SUSPECT I condition some people to become dependent on me.
And now I’m a mom, and I’m responsible for raising a decent human being, and it seems like a daunting task.
And my husband is, more often than not, like a giant kid.
Ugh.