Little bit of a Rant
Feeling a little weird today...
Not getting a lot done. I mean I did some important things, but there were other things that in theory would have been good to get through, as well.
The school thing is like a self esteem thing, really. I mean not only is it not necessary that I get As, it's probably inefficient to waste any more time on school than I need to when there are OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. But I feel I am capable of As, so I go for them. And I got a little cocky, but I honestly think I was graded unfairly on this history assignment I bombed. I can only think somehow my teacher got annoyed with my cocky and somewhat rude responses (snicker... I always say "With all due respect..." first...) and then I guess a little of me kinda doubts myself that maybe it was a comprehension issue on my part, but I don't think so, despite my inability to read the chapter before turning in the assignment. (I've read it since then and was actually quite impressed that I intuitively make relevent connections that are addressed in the book.)
I just don't like being chastised, so I won't just go check if my teacher left any comments. :(
I feel kinda annoyed that I've spread my identity out so thin. I mean like I compartmentalize, and there's a Work Rachel and a Wife Rachel and a Friend Rachel and a Mom Rachel and a Student Rachel and, hopefully somewhere in there, a Rachel Rachel. I feel like I have a split personality, like I go from being Definitely Right and Righteous and maybe a liiiil Abrasive to like being overwhelmed by my over-emotional reactions to Criticism, Direction, Insults, Differing Opinions which, to me seems to mean I still have some sort of deep self esteem issues... But, you know, at the same time, I'm thinking maybe it's chemical. Like for some reason, people have always been able to get deep down under my skin, and now I sort of avoid a conflict because it might hurt. I mean on a logical intellectual critical thinking open mindedness level I have the capability to hold my own, but so, why the aversion to, like, valid criticism? I realize logically that if I can accept true criticism, address the issues, take sincere advice to overcome the issues, it would be in my best interest. And MOSTLY, not always, but MOSTLY, I find that the criticism is wrong, so. Why do I feel bad?
Cuz I have this THING about authority, and uh. People talking down to me, disrespecting me. I don't really know where it comes from, there was never a particular time in my life that it was a problem, it was just ALWAYS unacceptable to embarrass me by publicly making the claim that I was in some way inferior. Sounds like a self esteem issue, doesn't it? But does that explain the lingering issues?
I go from thinking maybe it would be a great idea to seek out some talk therapy, and then suddenly I think "Oh my god, how stupid. I mean really it's something that just GRANTS authority to someone who has not been proven to be any less fucked up than you are." I saw 2 therapists, both for a very short time when I was like 19 and mentally derailed. The first one was just a complete nutjob. She talked about other patients she had in session and suggested that my weight was directly responsible for all my self esteem issues, and she had a girl who was heavy, but she put herself together a little better, but she cried all session because of her looks, and she suggested she was more emotionally stable than I was. I mean I was pretty fucked up, but not THAT fucked up. And obviously there's that efficiency factor again. Some dumb hoe who knows she's gonna go cry about her looks wastes 4 hours a day trying to undo her ugliness and I was out PARTYING... The other therapist talked a lot about responsibility without acknowledging the voluntary status of all relationships- family, friends, lovers, employers, etc. To this day I stand by one conviction out of the many I had when I was binge drugging- I don't owe it to anybody else to be happy and healthy (Well, except now I have Wylie so I owe it to HIM but nobody else...)
Hmph.
Not getting a lot done. I mean I did some important things, but there were other things that in theory would have been good to get through, as well.
The school thing is like a self esteem thing, really. I mean not only is it not necessary that I get As, it's probably inefficient to waste any more time on school than I need to when there are OTHER IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. But I feel I am capable of As, so I go for them. And I got a little cocky, but I honestly think I was graded unfairly on this history assignment I bombed. I can only think somehow my teacher got annoyed with my cocky and somewhat rude responses (snicker... I always say "With all due respect..." first...) and then I guess a little of me kinda doubts myself that maybe it was a comprehension issue on my part, but I don't think so, despite my inability to read the chapter before turning in the assignment. (I've read it since then and was actually quite impressed that I intuitively make relevent connections that are addressed in the book.)
I just don't like being chastised, so I won't just go check if my teacher left any comments. :(
I feel kinda annoyed that I've spread my identity out so thin. I mean like I compartmentalize, and there's a Work Rachel and a Wife Rachel and a Friend Rachel and a Mom Rachel and a Student Rachel and, hopefully somewhere in there, a Rachel Rachel. I feel like I have a split personality, like I go from being Definitely Right and Righteous and maybe a liiiil Abrasive to like being overwhelmed by my over-emotional reactions to Criticism, Direction, Insults, Differing Opinions which, to me seems to mean I still have some sort of deep self esteem issues... But, you know, at the same time, I'm thinking maybe it's chemical. Like for some reason, people have always been able to get deep down under my skin, and now I sort of avoid a conflict because it might hurt. I mean on a logical intellectual critical thinking open mindedness level I have the capability to hold my own, but so, why the aversion to, like, valid criticism? I realize logically that if I can accept true criticism, address the issues, take sincere advice to overcome the issues, it would be in my best interest. And MOSTLY, not always, but MOSTLY, I find that the criticism is wrong, so. Why do I feel bad?
Cuz I have this THING about authority, and uh. People talking down to me, disrespecting me. I don't really know where it comes from, there was never a particular time in my life that it was a problem, it was just ALWAYS unacceptable to embarrass me by publicly making the claim that I was in some way inferior. Sounds like a self esteem issue, doesn't it? But does that explain the lingering issues?
I go from thinking maybe it would be a great idea to seek out some talk therapy, and then suddenly I think "Oh my god, how stupid. I mean really it's something that just GRANTS authority to someone who has not been proven to be any less fucked up than you are." I saw 2 therapists, both for a very short time when I was like 19 and mentally derailed. The first one was just a complete nutjob. She talked about other patients she had in session and suggested that my weight was directly responsible for all my self esteem issues, and she had a girl who was heavy, but she put herself together a little better, but she cried all session because of her looks, and she suggested she was more emotionally stable than I was. I mean I was pretty fucked up, but not THAT fucked up. And obviously there's that efficiency factor again. Some dumb hoe who knows she's gonna go cry about her looks wastes 4 hours a day trying to undo her ugliness and I was out PARTYING... The other therapist talked a lot about responsibility without acknowledging the voluntary status of all relationships- family, friends, lovers, employers, etc. To this day I stand by one conviction out of the many I had when I was binge drugging- I don't owe it to anybody else to be happy and healthy (Well, except now I have Wylie so I owe it to HIM but nobody else...)
Hmph.