I'd Rather Be Caught Dead Than Be Weak
Pairing: Jacoby/James
Summary: Coby's always had to handle things alone. But will he be able to get over the demons from his past and still get through the present by himself or will somebody be able to save him before it's too late?
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. End of story.
Authors Note: This is my first fic here, so please be gentle =]
A/N 2: And now we’re back to the main plotline ^_^, I hope I’ll be more frequent on updates since my life has somewhat of a schedule now what with school and all, PLUS my laptop is back! This chapter is basically just talking buuuuut I hope you like it. Enjoy =]
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 8.5
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Three days after Coby started 10th grade, his father was nowhere to be found. He didn’t give a shit, it was better if the fucker wasn’t there, but his mother was worried sick. How the hell could she be so worried about someone who hurt her on a daily basis? Maybe she could put up with him but Coby had had enough.
They’d gone through the rounds of threats of divorce three times this month, each fight seeming to be their last, like maybe his mom would finally wake up and leave and take him with her. But each fight ended with his mother backing down, claiming that they were better off staying with him. Just when he thought that they were out, when he finally saw some shard of light in the end of the tunnel, they were picked back up and thrown right back into the vicious circle. It was never ending. But Coby had found a way out.
Walking home from school with Zack, the fourth day of the year, he’d already gotten fed up of putting on that fake smile, tired of trying to be hilarious just to take his mind away from everything at home, sick of trying to mask everything. He sighed a little in relief, knowing after tonight he’d never had to deal with it again.
“Hey, Coby . . . are you alright?” Zack asked, waving a hand in front of his friends’ face, concern painted all over his cat-like features.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine, why?” Coby jumped, looking at Zack with wide and remorseful eyes. He wondered what Zack would do after he . . .
“You’re not talking like you usually do. You talk a lot before you get home to hold you over until the next day. What’s on your mind?” Zack slung his arm around his friends shoulders.
Coby looked down at his worn out Adidas.
“I just . . . don’t feel too good, that’s all. I’m not coming to school tomorrow,” Coby said. Technically it wasn’t a lie.
“Your mom will let you stay home?” Zack asked, confused. Usually Coby’s mom made him go to school, bent on him getting a good education.
“She won’t really have a choice.”
“Well . . . alright,” Zack piped up as they approached Coby’s house, “See you soon?”
“Yeah,” Coby said, barely above a whisper, “sure.”
Zack slowly turned around and began to walk back down the driveway before Coby called out to him.
“Hey Zack?”
“Yeah?”
“I just . . . wanted to let you know . . . you’re my best friend . . . I have no idea how far I would have gotten without you.”
Zack looked thoroughly confused but smiled a little, “You’re my best friend too, Coby. I think I’d die without you.”
Well there was Coby’s answer to his mental question. Guilt stabbed at his heart repeatedly, looking at his friend in the driveway, his emerald eyes shimmering in the sunlight. Zack was like a brother to him. Out of everyone, he’d miss Zack the most.
“Well . . . bye, Coby,” Zack dismissed himself sadly, turning on his heel again and walking to his house.
“Goodbye Zack . . .” Coby swallowed hard, bidding his final farewell to the only person other than his mother he’d ever cared about, finding it hard to talk as he was coming closer and closer to achieving his escape.
He walked into his house, throwing down all his belongings by the door; he wouldn’t need them anymore, they didn’t matter. Nobody was home. It was better if he did it this way. He looked at the clock in the kitchen. 3:30 p.m. It should be over by 4.
He walked straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind him, turning the shower on full blast. He took a deep, shaking breath as he quickly stripped, looking at himself in the mirror, staring at his reflection; he didn’t recognize himself. His face, which was once tanned from his days outside as a child, was now stained a ghostly white. His hair hung over his forehead messily; he didn’t even bother trying to style it anymore. His body didn’t even look to be his own, adolescent muscle was definitely present but where he used to be a bit chubby, he now looked starved. He tended not to eat either at home or at school, all it ever did was come back up anyways. Stress had eaten away at his body but his sight travelled back up to his eyes. Dark circles underlined what was once majestic blue, now faded to a dull grey. They looked dead. They didn’t look to be his own.
He looked just like his father. He hated it, hated everything about himself, hated everything that reminded him so much of the man who’d made his life a living hell. Funny how fate had decided to make him live with the reminder everyday that he’d never be anything more than a monster. Just like HIM. Coby’s muscles tensed and a low growl escaped his throat, fists clenching tightly on the edge of the sink. Everywhere he went, he was constantly told how much he reminded people of his father, but not anymore.
The steam from the shower soon made it impossible to see himself through the haze on the mirror, losing himself in the thickening clouds of vapor. He’d go out like he’d come in, and remained for all of his 15 years; naked, bloody, and alone.
He bowed his head, stepping into the shower, not even acknowledging the scalding water as it turned his skin red. He felt as if he’d just been walking on air, his entire body was numb, his mind was void of all thought or emotion. Maybe this would be easier than he thought. Letting the boiling drops fall onto his rapidly burning skin, his hair dripped into his face. He’d wash away everything he’d done, all that he’d been through, before departing. It seemed more proper that way. Leave less to clean up, God only knew he’d already had a big mess he was leaving behind. He looked to the ledge protruding from the side of the shower wall, sitting atop it was a razor. Coby eyed the instrument, gently picking it up and examining the blades. Fresh and new. Never having been dulled before. Perfect for what he needed to do.
He inhaled deeply, pressing the blade to his wrist, feeling the skin split in half, blood flowing freely from the open wound, down his fingers, and onto the shower floor, mixing with the water, staining the linoleum pink.
His heart began to pound rapidly at the sight of his own blood. Sure, he’d seen it before, but never like this, leaving his body, which would eventually end himself. He suddenly got scared, breaths coming in gasps, hands shaking, eyes widening beyond belief, the silence of the room deafening, leaving his ears ringing. His mind was flooded with thoughts of his mother, of them in the garden, of his mother in the hospital, telling him that she loved him. It then went to Zack, sticking up for Zack, running to Zack’s house whenever shit went down, then his mind wickedly went to HIM, watching as he beat his mother, watching as he beat his sons . . . his voice in the back of his head;
‘You’ll never be a man!’
‘You’ll always be nothing!’
‘You’re always going to be a coward, always going to run away from everything!’
‘You’ll always be just like me!’
“NO!” Coby roared, throwing the razor to the floor of the shower, watching as the blade popped off and landed by the drain, eventually getting sucked down it by the swirling water. His breathing was labored, entire body shaking again. He stared in horror at the blood running from the self-inflicted wound on his wrist, dripping to the bottom of the shower, swirling into a red whirlpool at the drain. HE was almost right; he’d almost ran away for good, almost committed the biggest act of cowardice to ever exist. What the hell had he been thinking?!
He began to feel sick to his stomach, breathing heavily, choking back the bile that was creeping up his throat, trying to swallow it down but it spraying from his mouth down the shower drain.
Coby quickly shut off the water and jumped out of the shower, desperately rifling through the drawers to find something to stem the bleeding. Dear God, what’d he done?
He found a medical wrap, putting toilet paper over the wound to try to absorb the blood, quickly wrapping the stretchy material around it to hold it all in place. He gave his best attempt at drying himself and throwing his clothes back on, running out to the living room and grabbing the phone, dialing Zack’s number as he stumbled and fell to the ground, back banging hard against the wall, and looking at the clock. 4:06 p.m. Zack finally picked up the line.
“Hello?”
“Z-Zack! G-Get over here now, I . . . I just tried to kill myself I- I’m afraid to be alone with only my thoughts!” Coby begged, on the brink of hysteria. Everything had been happening so fast, he’d come so close to ending it all, to leaving his mother alone with the beast. What the hell was wrong with him? How the fuck could he be so selfish?
“Holy shit, Coby, hold on, I’ll be right there just . . . hold on!” Zack said frantically. The line died as Coby sank back into the wall, going over the last half an hour in his head, suddenly becoming terrified to be left to his own devices.
“Jacoby? Wake up, what’s wrong?”
Coby screamed as he shot up quickly, drenched in a cold sweat, the air chilling his bare torso, hair dripping perspiration down his paled face. He fought to try to steady his erratic breathing and stop the tremors shaking him to his very core.
“Jesus Christ, are you alright?!” James asked frantically, “You kept screaming and thrashing around, was it another one of those dreams?” Coby nodded, eyes wide, pupils pin thin, chest heaving.
“Oh God, Jacoby. What-. . . what are they about?” James gathered Coby’s tensed body close, pressing his nose into the man’s sweat dampened hair, running his hand soothingly over his spine, feeling the tightness and stress in the muscles of Coby’s back and shoulders as if the man had been carrying the weight of the world on them for an entire lifetime.
“These dreams . . . no . . . nightmare of my past . . . they’re haunting me for some reason, I don’t know why . . . they just don’t . . . stop,” Coby’s eyes paled in the moonlight as it hit his face. He felt limp in James’ arms. He wanted this comfort but knew he couldn’t have it. He didn’t deserve it. James didn’t deserve to have to put up with it.
“What happened in this one?” James pressed on, determined to figure things out once and for all, even if it was in the early morning hours. He wanted to put an end to Coby’s pain and help the poor boy begin to live.
“I almost . . . uhh . . . I- . . .” Coby couldn’t speak, his mouth went completely dry, throat closing up tight.
“Go ahead, Jacoby baby, tell me,” James took full advantage of Coby’s frightened state, quickly pressing his lips to the other’s, feeling him relax at the touch. Coby fought himself not to let it happen but he couldn’t stop. He craved this kind of attention, this kind of affection, this kind of support, for his entire life, but denied himself of it. He wanted it so badly but wouldn’t let himself succumb to the temptation of this weakness.
“I almost killed myself.”
James audibly gasped, staring wide eyed at the man in his arms. Coby had calmed down but his heart was still racing, beating the hell out of his ribcage.
“I almost slashed my wrists . . . called Zack, told him to come over, that I wasn’t stable enough to be left alone. I tried to explain it to him but I couldn’t speak. I let the wounds do the talking for me. He flipped out. Started crying. Stayed and tried to help me. I didn’t know why.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Why’d you do it?”
Coby suddenly felt cold and uncomfortable. He took a deep breath and begrudgingly tore himself away from James’ possession, hating himself for even beginning to let James in. He stood up from the warmth and comfort of James’ bed, pulling on his discarded boxers and jeans, and moved to look out the window at the endless night sky, the sparkling dots in the inky black abyss playing off of the sapphire of his eyes, illuminating the lifetime of stories and pain held tightly within.
“I knew I’d never be anything more than a monster. The voices in my head got the best of me. I’m just like HIM, James. I wanted to save everyone around me from what I knew I’d become . . . but more so . . . I just wanted out. I was selfish, I was tired of dealing with their constant back and forth, tried of seeing my mother come home with black eyes and swollen lips, pretending things were alright but then turning around and trying to drink her way out of her pain, bending over backwards just to make him happy, thinking she could control the chaos by doing whatever the fuck he wanted. If she only knew she was just making it worse. Giving him the control he craved. I didn’t give a shit that he’d come home and beat the fuck out of me, I would have been fine with that if he’d just left her alone,” Coby inhaled deeply, surprised at himself for going off on such a personal tangent.
“You should just let me go now, let me walk out the door and forget all about me, as if I never existed. I wouldn’t blame you one bit. Save yourself. It isn’t safe to be anywhere near me . . . it isn’t safe to seek out monsters.”
“You sound like a broken record, you’re not a monster, God damnit, and I’m not going anywhere, much less letting you leave,” James got up from his bed to pull on his own boxers and jeans, walking beside Coby but not touching him, only looking at his face, knowing the damaged man would only shy away from him, only try to distance himself further. James was at the brink of a breakthrough and he’d be damned before he missed his chance to get a start on beginning to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.
“I try to escape it everyday. But these . . . these scars,” Coby clenched his fists, glaring down at the whitened line of flesh severed years ago, “they don’t go away. They’re a constant reminder of how much of a coward I am . . . of how much I’m just like HIM,” Coby growled, eyes never leaving the scars on his wrists
“You mean your father?”
“Don’t call him that,” Coby spat venom through clenched teeth, “we may have the same biological ties but he will NEVER be my father. I’ve never had one. Never needed one.”
“Guess that answers my question, huh?” James chuckled nervously then sighed as he looked over to Coby, his face still as stoic as ever.
“What about your mother?” James carefully pushed on, aware that the slightest emotional bristle could be the difference between Coby opening up to him completely or running out.
A saddened smile played upon Coby’s lips, tears automatically springing to his eyes. “I wanted to save her. I wanted her to get out, to leave, to take me with her and never look back. Every time they’d fight I’d always hope to God that it was the last one, that we’d finally get the hell out of there for good. But we never did. I knew she only stayed with him because he was the only source of money. There was a time where I hated her for it. I blamed her for everything going on, blamed her for letting it just happen, for not doing anything about it . . . I just wanted it to end.”
James listened silently, heart breaking slowly for the man who’d inadvertently stolen it. He nodded and hummed his assent for Coby to continue on.
“I don’t know where it all went so wrong . . . I’d always tried to keep it together but even after I’d been given that second chance . . . I still couldn’t do shit! I was still that weak little boy who’d fucking cry his eyes out after his parents got in another fight, too weak and too afraid to do anything, and I still am . . . still just as weak. It was my fault it dragged on so long, I could have ended it, I knew what was wrong, I knew what had to be done but I was too fucking afraid!” Coby growled, staring up at the moon again, anger rising in him now, directed towards himself, fists clenching so tight his knuckles cracked.
“It’s alright, Jacoby, calm down. You’re not weak, just misguided, nobody should have to suffer through that kind of life, you couldn’t have stopped it even if you had tried.”
“I don’t get it though . . . he broke her heart over and over again . . . close to a million times . . . yet she kept coming back to him. She claimed she loved him, claimed her promise to God to stay with him for eternity was too important, lived with it because some stupid set of vows? Fuck that . . . even God would have the sense to get the hell out!”
Coby, even though he hated himself for it, felt like the ice was slowly being chipped away with each thought, each feeling, each confession. His entire body was numb though, tears streamed down his face as his body began to shake again. He didn’t even feel like he was making sense, just rambling on about whatever though would come to his head but he was too far gone to stop it now.
“That’s why you don’t trust people. People learn by example and when that’s the only thing you have to learn from it warps your view on certain things. It’s why you didn’t believe in love.”
“I still don’t know if I do, to be honest. Who’s to say that you’re not just doing this to benefit your job, make getting my case worked out easier?” Coby laughed darkly, knowing damn well he was being cynical but in his life it was expected.
“There is no case,” James stated matter-of-factly.
Coby blinked in confusion, eyebrows furrowing. “What?”
“Brandan and Matt got everything straightened out. They called in the guys, who basically had no case afterwards, thanks to a little persuasion from the two. We all know the County Judge Frank Feranna personally, and he wouldn’t put up with a hate crime, especially against a gay man.”
Coby was astonished. They’d all gotten him out of doing time in county. He KNEW it couldn’t have been an easy task. He sighed, looking down once again at the scars that adorned his wrists.
“I wish these would go away. I’m tired of living like this . . . living with my past always coming back to bite me in the ass,” Coby ran his fingers through his hair, hands clasping together on the back of his head, leaving his torso wide open. James was surprised at such a move; he knew that for Coby to leave himself in such a vulnerable position, he’d have to be comfortable and feel completely safe with the situation at hand.
“Y’know, there’s a funny thing about scars. They all tell a story. And to a trained eye, they’re all shockingly visible, both physical,” James wrapped his arms around Coby’s chest, right hand placing itself flat against his chest, right over his heart, “but also within.”
“What do you mean?” Coby’s breath caught in his throat as he looked over his shoulder at James, confused slightly but stunned at how beautiful the other’s golden eyes glowed in the moonlight.
“I knew from the minute I saw you that there was something out of place, something missing. A void in you that needed to be filled but you didn’t know how to do it by yourself,” James was getting braver with his statements, “that’s why you started drinking, isn’t it?”
Coby blinked, trying to rid the tears from his eyes, but ultimately nodded. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.”
“And the fighting?”
“I just . . . I’ve always wanted to keep the innocent people safe. Make sure nothing ever happened to anybody else like it did to me, or even worse. I’d protect someone with my life if the cause was worth it. I want to be a good person but I . . . I don’t now how. I’ve always wanted to make sure that all the worthless pieces of shit roaming the streets and going home to hurt their families got punished, and I guess fighting if my way of doing that. It’s what comes natural to me. You don’t grow up like I did and not learn to fight for yourself,” Coby admitted, shocking both himself and James once again and he lowered his arms, right hand lacing his fingers with that of James’ that was over his heart.
James chuckled lightly, causing Coby to smile slightly at the angelic sound. “It takes a great deal of courage and heart to want to protect people. You kinda remind me of a puppy when you put things like that.” James nuzzled his nose into the nape of Coby’s neck, forehead pressed into the soft hair on the back of his head, completely loving how he had gotten the man of stone to buckle a little, to get him to where he was comfortable with this intimate of contact.
“How do you figure?” Coby laughed, raising and eyebrow.
“Well, you’re obviously very protective, hence your feelings toward your mother and Zack, you fighting for both of them at the drop of a hat, you’re a very loyal person as well. Also, even though you’re both cute as hell, you and a puppy can get pretty fucking scary if you’re trying to protect your loved ones,” James did a full 180 degree spin on the mood of the conversation, Coby not minding one bit.
“Yeah, we’re both cute but we’ll fucking tear a bitch apart if we have to,” Coby smiled, looking back up to the stars, “I always did want a puppy when I was little.”
“Oh yeah?” James asked, resting his chin on Coby’s shoulder, Coby not giving a shit anymore and leaning into the warmth of the body behind him. He’d gotten this far, and it seemed to have been helping. He was desperate at this point to let everything go, even his long-kept inhibitions.
“Yeah. I always imagined having a little German shepherd puppy. I don’t know, I always felt like I could relate to animals more than people.”
“Well, that’s perfectly natural for someone who grew up like you did. But now that you mention it,” James carried the last word in a sing-song voice, “we DO need someone down at the precinct to help with the K-9 unit . . . raising the puppies and taking care of them.”
James craned his head to look at Coby’s face. His eyes lit up and his smile got even bigger.
“Think I could help? I mean fuck, I’m about to get fired from my job anyway, and seriously contemplating dropping out of school.”
James frowned at that last bit.
“Why would you do that?”
“It’s just not my thing . . . nothing I do interests me there, it’s not like I’m taking any specialty classes, just normal everyday shit like in high school, just on a higher level. It’s boring, there’s no excitement,” Coby sighed, the thought of it all boring him to death.
“Hmm, y’know, it’s just a suggestion but maybe you should join the force? You even said you want to help people and keep them safe. That’s what we do all around here. And while you’re working on graduating the police academy you could work part time. That would ALSO keep you out of trouble and help to get you sober,” James was a genius.
Coby mulled the thought over in his head. “I’ll have to think about that but it sounds like a really good plan. But wait . . . you run that place and you haven’t been in for a few days, how the hell does that work?!”
“I’ve worked there for eight years and have never taken leave before so I’ve got a good at least seven months worth of it saved up. I just always had a feeling something important might come up that I’d need it for. Looks like you were that important thing,” James smiled, pressing his lips to Coby’s shoulder.
Coby hummed slightly. He could really get used to this whole being “touchy-feely” thing. He felt safe with James, things just felt right. He gripped James hand a little harder, his silent way of knowing that he wanted him there.
Silence soon filled the room, neither one talking, Coby lost to his mind, eyes drinking in the darkness of the sky, James lost to Coby’s enigmatic eyes.
Coby broke the silence first.
“Y’know, night was the only time I ever felt somewhat safe,” Coby stared back up at the moon, one of his long time best friends, “I’d always sneak out and climb on my roof, just looking. Wondering. If the world was so big, full of so many different people . . . why was I put in the place I was? Why did I go through this? What was the purpose for all of this pain that I had to go through?”
“Did you ever find an answer?” James asked, afraid to break his touch away from Coby, scared that the slightest lack of contact would rip him from this reflective state.
“I haven’t stopped searching. But I did come up with another question.”
“And what would that be?” James looked up at the sky quizzically.
“What the hell did I ever do right for the world to give me you.”
James’ jaw nearly dropped. Yeah, Coby had opened up a significant amount to him but never in a million years would he have expected a confession like THAT. Tears sprung to his eyes as he looked into the midnight blue’s of this man who seemed to have unraveled right before his very eyes.
“I need to change. I realize that now, and it’s only since you’ve been here that I’ve started to see exactly what was wrong with me. I’m gonna do it James, I promise, even if it takes me a lifetime, I’m gonna make things different,” James looked to Coby’s upturned face, admiring the renewed strength in the man’s features, proud of his ability to have accepted all of this in a relatively short amount of time, “but there’s one thing I have to do before I can really start to try to get things back on track.”
“And what would that be?” James asked, burying his face in Coby’s shoulder, hot tears splashing onto the exposed skin, causing Coby to once again tighten his grip on James’ hand.
Coby looked up at James, bottom lip caught between his teeth, apprehension written all over his face, “I think I need to apologize to Brian.”
~~~~~
Fuck, I think this is the longest chapter so far! ^_^ Sorry it wasn’t so eventful, but I had to get all that stuff outta the way.
Summary: Coby's always had to handle things alone. But will he be able to get over the demons from his past and still get through the present by himself or will somebody be able to save him before it's too late?
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: NONE OF THIS HAPPENED. End of story.
Authors Note: This is my first fic here, so please be gentle =]
A/N 2: And now we’re back to the main plotline ^_^, I hope I’ll be more frequent on updates since my life has somewhat of a schedule now what with school and all, PLUS my laptop is back! This chapter is basically just talking buuuuut I hope you like it. Enjoy =]
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 8.5
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Three days after Coby started 10th grade, his father was nowhere to be found. He didn’t give a shit, it was better if the fucker wasn’t there, but his mother was worried sick. How the hell could she be so worried about someone who hurt her on a daily basis? Maybe she could put up with him but Coby had had enough.
They’d gone through the rounds of threats of divorce three times this month, each fight seeming to be their last, like maybe his mom would finally wake up and leave and take him with her. But each fight ended with his mother backing down, claiming that they were better off staying with him. Just when he thought that they were out, when he finally saw some shard of light in the end of the tunnel, they were picked back up and thrown right back into the vicious circle. It was never ending. But Coby had found a way out.
Walking home from school with Zack, the fourth day of the year, he’d already gotten fed up of putting on that fake smile, tired of trying to be hilarious just to take his mind away from everything at home, sick of trying to mask everything. He sighed a little in relief, knowing after tonight he’d never had to deal with it again.
“Hey, Coby . . . are you alright?” Zack asked, waving a hand in front of his friends’ face, concern painted all over his cat-like features.
“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine, why?” Coby jumped, looking at Zack with wide and remorseful eyes. He wondered what Zack would do after he . . .
“You’re not talking like you usually do. You talk a lot before you get home to hold you over until the next day. What’s on your mind?” Zack slung his arm around his friends shoulders.
Coby looked down at his worn out Adidas.
“I just . . . don’t feel too good, that’s all. I’m not coming to school tomorrow,” Coby said. Technically it wasn’t a lie.
“Your mom will let you stay home?” Zack asked, confused. Usually Coby’s mom made him go to school, bent on him getting a good education.
“She won’t really have a choice.”
“Well . . . alright,” Zack piped up as they approached Coby’s house, “See you soon?”
“Yeah,” Coby said, barely above a whisper, “sure.”
Zack slowly turned around and began to walk back down the driveway before Coby called out to him.
“Hey Zack?”
“Yeah?”
“I just . . . wanted to let you know . . . you’re my best friend . . . I have no idea how far I would have gotten without you.”
Zack looked thoroughly confused but smiled a little, “You’re my best friend too, Coby. I think I’d die without you.”
Well there was Coby’s answer to his mental question. Guilt stabbed at his heart repeatedly, looking at his friend in the driveway, his emerald eyes shimmering in the sunlight. Zack was like a brother to him. Out of everyone, he’d miss Zack the most.
“Well . . . bye, Coby,” Zack dismissed himself sadly, turning on his heel again and walking to his house.
“Goodbye Zack . . .” Coby swallowed hard, bidding his final farewell to the only person other than his mother he’d ever cared about, finding it hard to talk as he was coming closer and closer to achieving his escape.
He walked into his house, throwing down all his belongings by the door; he wouldn’t need them anymore, they didn’t matter. Nobody was home. It was better if he did it this way. He looked at the clock in the kitchen. 3:30 p.m. It should be over by 4.
He walked straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind him, turning the shower on full blast. He took a deep, shaking breath as he quickly stripped, looking at himself in the mirror, staring at his reflection; he didn’t recognize himself. His face, which was once tanned from his days outside as a child, was now stained a ghostly white. His hair hung over his forehead messily; he didn’t even bother trying to style it anymore. His body didn’t even look to be his own, adolescent muscle was definitely present but where he used to be a bit chubby, he now looked starved. He tended not to eat either at home or at school, all it ever did was come back up anyways. Stress had eaten away at his body but his sight travelled back up to his eyes. Dark circles underlined what was once majestic blue, now faded to a dull grey. They looked dead. They didn’t look to be his own.
He looked just like his father. He hated it, hated everything about himself, hated everything that reminded him so much of the man who’d made his life a living hell. Funny how fate had decided to make him live with the reminder everyday that he’d never be anything more than a monster. Just like HIM. Coby’s muscles tensed and a low growl escaped his throat, fists clenching tightly on the edge of the sink. Everywhere he went, he was constantly told how much he reminded people of his father, but not anymore.
The steam from the shower soon made it impossible to see himself through the haze on the mirror, losing himself in the thickening clouds of vapor. He’d go out like he’d come in, and remained for all of his 15 years; naked, bloody, and alone.
He bowed his head, stepping into the shower, not even acknowledging the scalding water as it turned his skin red. He felt as if he’d just been walking on air, his entire body was numb, his mind was void of all thought or emotion. Maybe this would be easier than he thought. Letting the boiling drops fall onto his rapidly burning skin, his hair dripped into his face. He’d wash away everything he’d done, all that he’d been through, before departing. It seemed more proper that way. Leave less to clean up, God only knew he’d already had a big mess he was leaving behind. He looked to the ledge protruding from the side of the shower wall, sitting atop it was a razor. Coby eyed the instrument, gently picking it up and examining the blades. Fresh and new. Never having been dulled before. Perfect for what he needed to do.
He inhaled deeply, pressing the blade to his wrist, feeling the skin split in half, blood flowing freely from the open wound, down his fingers, and onto the shower floor, mixing with the water, staining the linoleum pink.
His heart began to pound rapidly at the sight of his own blood. Sure, he’d seen it before, but never like this, leaving his body, which would eventually end himself. He suddenly got scared, breaths coming in gasps, hands shaking, eyes widening beyond belief, the silence of the room deafening, leaving his ears ringing. His mind was flooded with thoughts of his mother, of them in the garden, of his mother in the hospital, telling him that she loved him. It then went to Zack, sticking up for Zack, running to Zack’s house whenever shit went down, then his mind wickedly went to HIM, watching as he beat his mother, watching as he beat his sons . . . his voice in the back of his head;
‘You’ll never be a man!’
‘You’ll always be nothing!’
‘You’re always going to be a coward, always going to run away from everything!’
‘You’ll always be just like me!’
“NO!” Coby roared, throwing the razor to the floor of the shower, watching as the blade popped off and landed by the drain, eventually getting sucked down it by the swirling water. His breathing was labored, entire body shaking again. He stared in horror at the blood running from the self-inflicted wound on his wrist, dripping to the bottom of the shower, swirling into a red whirlpool at the drain. HE was almost right; he’d almost ran away for good, almost committed the biggest act of cowardice to ever exist. What the hell had he been thinking?!
He began to feel sick to his stomach, breathing heavily, choking back the bile that was creeping up his throat, trying to swallow it down but it spraying from his mouth down the shower drain.
Coby quickly shut off the water and jumped out of the shower, desperately rifling through the drawers to find something to stem the bleeding. Dear God, what’d he done?
He found a medical wrap, putting toilet paper over the wound to try to absorb the blood, quickly wrapping the stretchy material around it to hold it all in place. He gave his best attempt at drying himself and throwing his clothes back on, running out to the living room and grabbing the phone, dialing Zack’s number as he stumbled and fell to the ground, back banging hard against the wall, and looking at the clock. 4:06 p.m. Zack finally picked up the line.
“Hello?”
“Z-Zack! G-Get over here now, I . . . I just tried to kill myself I- I’m afraid to be alone with only my thoughts!” Coby begged, on the brink of hysteria. Everything had been happening so fast, he’d come so close to ending it all, to leaving his mother alone with the beast. What the hell was wrong with him? How the fuck could he be so selfish?
“Holy shit, Coby, hold on, I’ll be right there just . . . hold on!” Zack said frantically. The line died as Coby sank back into the wall, going over the last half an hour in his head, suddenly becoming terrified to be left to his own devices.
“Jacoby? Wake up, what’s wrong?”
Coby screamed as he shot up quickly, drenched in a cold sweat, the air chilling his bare torso, hair dripping perspiration down his paled face. He fought to try to steady his erratic breathing and stop the tremors shaking him to his very core.
“Jesus Christ, are you alright?!” James asked frantically, “You kept screaming and thrashing around, was it another one of those dreams?” Coby nodded, eyes wide, pupils pin thin, chest heaving.
“Oh God, Jacoby. What-. . . what are they about?” James gathered Coby’s tensed body close, pressing his nose into the man’s sweat dampened hair, running his hand soothingly over his spine, feeling the tightness and stress in the muscles of Coby’s back and shoulders as if the man had been carrying the weight of the world on them for an entire lifetime.
“These dreams . . . no . . . nightmare of my past . . . they’re haunting me for some reason, I don’t know why . . . they just don’t . . . stop,” Coby’s eyes paled in the moonlight as it hit his face. He felt limp in James’ arms. He wanted this comfort but knew he couldn’t have it. He didn’t deserve it. James didn’t deserve to have to put up with it.
“What happened in this one?” James pressed on, determined to figure things out once and for all, even if it was in the early morning hours. He wanted to put an end to Coby’s pain and help the poor boy begin to live.
“I almost . . . uhh . . . I- . . .” Coby couldn’t speak, his mouth went completely dry, throat closing up tight.
“Go ahead, Jacoby baby, tell me,” James took full advantage of Coby’s frightened state, quickly pressing his lips to the other’s, feeling him relax at the touch. Coby fought himself not to let it happen but he couldn’t stop. He craved this kind of attention, this kind of affection, this kind of support, for his entire life, but denied himself of it. He wanted it so badly but wouldn’t let himself succumb to the temptation of this weakness.
“I almost killed myself.”
James audibly gasped, staring wide eyed at the man in his arms. Coby had calmed down but his heart was still racing, beating the hell out of his ribcage.
“I almost slashed my wrists . . . called Zack, told him to come over, that I wasn’t stable enough to be left alone. I tried to explain it to him but I couldn’t speak. I let the wounds do the talking for me. He flipped out. Started crying. Stayed and tried to help me. I didn’t know why.”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Why’d you do it?”
Coby suddenly felt cold and uncomfortable. He took a deep breath and begrudgingly tore himself away from James’ possession, hating himself for even beginning to let James in. He stood up from the warmth and comfort of James’ bed, pulling on his discarded boxers and jeans, and moved to look out the window at the endless night sky, the sparkling dots in the inky black abyss playing off of the sapphire of his eyes, illuminating the lifetime of stories and pain held tightly within.
“I knew I’d never be anything more than a monster. The voices in my head got the best of me. I’m just like HIM, James. I wanted to save everyone around me from what I knew I’d become . . . but more so . . . I just wanted out. I was selfish, I was tired of dealing with their constant back and forth, tried of seeing my mother come home with black eyes and swollen lips, pretending things were alright but then turning around and trying to drink her way out of her pain, bending over backwards just to make him happy, thinking she could control the chaos by doing whatever the fuck he wanted. If she only knew she was just making it worse. Giving him the control he craved. I didn’t give a shit that he’d come home and beat the fuck out of me, I would have been fine with that if he’d just left her alone,” Coby inhaled deeply, surprised at himself for going off on such a personal tangent.
“You should just let me go now, let me walk out the door and forget all about me, as if I never existed. I wouldn’t blame you one bit. Save yourself. It isn’t safe to be anywhere near me . . . it isn’t safe to seek out monsters.”
“You sound like a broken record, you’re not a monster, God damnit, and I’m not going anywhere, much less letting you leave,” James got up from his bed to pull on his own boxers and jeans, walking beside Coby but not touching him, only looking at his face, knowing the damaged man would only shy away from him, only try to distance himself further. James was at the brink of a breakthrough and he’d be damned before he missed his chance to get a start on beginning to help pick up the pieces and put them back together.
“I try to escape it everyday. But these . . . these scars,” Coby clenched his fists, glaring down at the whitened line of flesh severed years ago, “they don’t go away. They’re a constant reminder of how much of a coward I am . . . of how much I’m just like HIM,” Coby growled, eyes never leaving the scars on his wrists
“You mean your father?”
“Don’t call him that,” Coby spat venom through clenched teeth, “we may have the same biological ties but he will NEVER be my father. I’ve never had one. Never needed one.”
“Guess that answers my question, huh?” James chuckled nervously then sighed as he looked over to Coby, his face still as stoic as ever.
“What about your mother?” James carefully pushed on, aware that the slightest emotional bristle could be the difference between Coby opening up to him completely or running out.
A saddened smile played upon Coby’s lips, tears automatically springing to his eyes. “I wanted to save her. I wanted her to get out, to leave, to take me with her and never look back. Every time they’d fight I’d always hope to God that it was the last one, that we’d finally get the hell out of there for good. But we never did. I knew she only stayed with him because he was the only source of money. There was a time where I hated her for it. I blamed her for everything going on, blamed her for letting it just happen, for not doing anything about it . . . I just wanted it to end.”
James listened silently, heart breaking slowly for the man who’d inadvertently stolen it. He nodded and hummed his assent for Coby to continue on.
“I don’t know where it all went so wrong . . . I’d always tried to keep it together but even after I’d been given that second chance . . . I still couldn’t do shit! I was still that weak little boy who’d fucking cry his eyes out after his parents got in another fight, too weak and too afraid to do anything, and I still am . . . still just as weak. It was my fault it dragged on so long, I could have ended it, I knew what was wrong, I knew what had to be done but I was too fucking afraid!” Coby growled, staring up at the moon again, anger rising in him now, directed towards himself, fists clenching so tight his knuckles cracked.
“It’s alright, Jacoby, calm down. You’re not weak, just misguided, nobody should have to suffer through that kind of life, you couldn’t have stopped it even if you had tried.”
“I don’t get it though . . . he broke her heart over and over again . . . close to a million times . . . yet she kept coming back to him. She claimed she loved him, claimed her promise to God to stay with him for eternity was too important, lived with it because some stupid set of vows? Fuck that . . . even God would have the sense to get the hell out!”
Coby, even though he hated himself for it, felt like the ice was slowly being chipped away with each thought, each feeling, each confession. His entire body was numb though, tears streamed down his face as his body began to shake again. He didn’t even feel like he was making sense, just rambling on about whatever though would come to his head but he was too far gone to stop it now.
“That’s why you don’t trust people. People learn by example and when that’s the only thing you have to learn from it warps your view on certain things. It’s why you didn’t believe in love.”
“I still don’t know if I do, to be honest. Who’s to say that you’re not just doing this to benefit your job, make getting my case worked out easier?” Coby laughed darkly, knowing damn well he was being cynical but in his life it was expected.
“There is no case,” James stated matter-of-factly.
Coby blinked in confusion, eyebrows furrowing. “What?”
“Brandan and Matt got everything straightened out. They called in the guys, who basically had no case afterwards, thanks to a little persuasion from the two. We all know the County Judge Frank Feranna personally, and he wouldn’t put up with a hate crime, especially against a gay man.”
Coby was astonished. They’d all gotten him out of doing time in county. He KNEW it couldn’t have been an easy task. He sighed, looking down once again at the scars that adorned his wrists.
“I wish these would go away. I’m tired of living like this . . . living with my past always coming back to bite me in the ass,” Coby ran his fingers through his hair, hands clasping together on the back of his head, leaving his torso wide open. James was surprised at such a move; he knew that for Coby to leave himself in such a vulnerable position, he’d have to be comfortable and feel completely safe with the situation at hand.
“Y’know, there’s a funny thing about scars. They all tell a story. And to a trained eye, they’re all shockingly visible, both physical,” James wrapped his arms around Coby’s chest, right hand placing itself flat against his chest, right over his heart, “but also within.”
“What do you mean?” Coby’s breath caught in his throat as he looked over his shoulder at James, confused slightly but stunned at how beautiful the other’s golden eyes glowed in the moonlight.
“I knew from the minute I saw you that there was something out of place, something missing. A void in you that needed to be filled but you didn’t know how to do it by yourself,” James was getting braver with his statements, “that’s why you started drinking, isn’t it?”
Coby blinked, trying to rid the tears from his eyes, but ultimately nodded. “Yeah. I guess you could say that.”
“And the fighting?”
“I just . . . I’ve always wanted to keep the innocent people safe. Make sure nothing ever happened to anybody else like it did to me, or even worse. I’d protect someone with my life if the cause was worth it. I want to be a good person but I . . . I don’t now how. I’ve always wanted to make sure that all the worthless pieces of shit roaming the streets and going home to hurt their families got punished, and I guess fighting if my way of doing that. It’s what comes natural to me. You don’t grow up like I did and not learn to fight for yourself,” Coby admitted, shocking both himself and James once again and he lowered his arms, right hand lacing his fingers with that of James’ that was over his heart.
James chuckled lightly, causing Coby to smile slightly at the angelic sound. “It takes a great deal of courage and heart to want to protect people. You kinda remind me of a puppy when you put things like that.” James nuzzled his nose into the nape of Coby’s neck, forehead pressed into the soft hair on the back of his head, completely loving how he had gotten the man of stone to buckle a little, to get him to where he was comfortable with this intimate of contact.
“How do you figure?” Coby laughed, raising and eyebrow.
“Well, you’re obviously very protective, hence your feelings toward your mother and Zack, you fighting for both of them at the drop of a hat, you’re a very loyal person as well. Also, even though you’re both cute as hell, you and a puppy can get pretty fucking scary if you’re trying to protect your loved ones,” James did a full 180 degree spin on the mood of the conversation, Coby not minding one bit.
“Yeah, we’re both cute but we’ll fucking tear a bitch apart if we have to,” Coby smiled, looking back up to the stars, “I always did want a puppy when I was little.”
“Oh yeah?” James asked, resting his chin on Coby’s shoulder, Coby not giving a shit anymore and leaning into the warmth of the body behind him. He’d gotten this far, and it seemed to have been helping. He was desperate at this point to let everything go, even his long-kept inhibitions.
“Yeah. I always imagined having a little German shepherd puppy. I don’t know, I always felt like I could relate to animals more than people.”
“Well, that’s perfectly natural for someone who grew up like you did. But now that you mention it,” James carried the last word in a sing-song voice, “we DO need someone down at the precinct to help with the K-9 unit . . . raising the puppies and taking care of them.”
James craned his head to look at Coby’s face. His eyes lit up and his smile got even bigger.
“Think I could help? I mean fuck, I’m about to get fired from my job anyway, and seriously contemplating dropping out of school.”
James frowned at that last bit.
“Why would you do that?”
“It’s just not my thing . . . nothing I do interests me there, it’s not like I’m taking any specialty classes, just normal everyday shit like in high school, just on a higher level. It’s boring, there’s no excitement,” Coby sighed, the thought of it all boring him to death.
“Hmm, y’know, it’s just a suggestion but maybe you should join the force? You even said you want to help people and keep them safe. That’s what we do all around here. And while you’re working on graduating the police academy you could work part time. That would ALSO keep you out of trouble and help to get you sober,” James was a genius.
Coby mulled the thought over in his head. “I’ll have to think about that but it sounds like a really good plan. But wait . . . you run that place and you haven’t been in for a few days, how the hell does that work?!”
“I’ve worked there for eight years and have never taken leave before so I’ve got a good at least seven months worth of it saved up. I just always had a feeling something important might come up that I’d need it for. Looks like you were that important thing,” James smiled, pressing his lips to Coby’s shoulder.
Coby hummed slightly. He could really get used to this whole being “touchy-feely” thing. He felt safe with James, things just felt right. He gripped James hand a little harder, his silent way of knowing that he wanted him there.
Silence soon filled the room, neither one talking, Coby lost to his mind, eyes drinking in the darkness of the sky, James lost to Coby’s enigmatic eyes.
Coby broke the silence first.
“Y’know, night was the only time I ever felt somewhat safe,” Coby stared back up at the moon, one of his long time best friends, “I’d always sneak out and climb on my roof, just looking. Wondering. If the world was so big, full of so many different people . . . why was I put in the place I was? Why did I go through this? What was the purpose for all of this pain that I had to go through?”
“Did you ever find an answer?” James asked, afraid to break his touch away from Coby, scared that the slightest lack of contact would rip him from this reflective state.
“I haven’t stopped searching. But I did come up with another question.”
“And what would that be?” James looked up at the sky quizzically.
“What the hell did I ever do right for the world to give me you.”
James’ jaw nearly dropped. Yeah, Coby had opened up a significant amount to him but never in a million years would he have expected a confession like THAT. Tears sprung to his eyes as he looked into the midnight blue’s of this man who seemed to have unraveled right before his very eyes.
“I need to change. I realize that now, and it’s only since you’ve been here that I’ve started to see exactly what was wrong with me. I’m gonna do it James, I promise, even if it takes me a lifetime, I’m gonna make things different,” James looked to Coby’s upturned face, admiring the renewed strength in the man’s features, proud of his ability to have accepted all of this in a relatively short amount of time, “but there’s one thing I have to do before I can really start to try to get things back on track.”
“And what would that be?” James asked, burying his face in Coby’s shoulder, hot tears splashing onto the exposed skin, causing Coby to once again tighten his grip on James’ hand.
Coby looked up at James, bottom lip caught between his teeth, apprehension written all over his face, “I think I need to apologize to Brian.”
~~~~~
Fuck, I think this is the longest chapter so far! ^_^ Sorry it wasn’t so eventful, but I had to get all that stuff outta the way.