Nostalgia and Introspection
Y'all getting sick of this nostaliga thing yet?
Maddy pointed out to me a few days ago that I seem to give too much thought to my exes and past crushes, or at least more than she does. She wasn't pointing it out of jealousy, simply raising the point that I may be hung up on something regarding the way I have dealt with love-interests in the past.
An Odd comment to make, and yet I couldn't explain it any more than I could deny it.
And so, in the back of my mind since then, have been questions about... nothing in particular. Really, I don't think it's a big issue, but it is a little wierd, perhaps, and combined with my nostalgic mood as of late, it's made me conscious of myself in a sort of odd way.
It's true though: for a long time, since my first crush way back in junior high, I have been slowly accumulating a list of girls and women who have, whether or not they've actually become involved with me, have influenced me in some way. It's not a particularly long list, but I've always thought of it as a fairly important one. It's not that I am still enamoured of any of them, but that I credit them with in some way influencing who I am today. I have no such list of male friends.
Freud would probably attribute this to my relationship with my mother, and indeed, that's one of the first things I thought of too. Most sons probably have some issues that stem from the mother-son relationship, and I doubt I'm an exception, but I sense that mine may be different than the standard. Oedipus doesn't have anything to do with it: My mother was essentially my dad: strict, stern, and very masculine in character, and on top of that a scorpio, born in the year of the dragon, and with a parkinsonian personality. It all adds up to a mom who was a tough, quick thinking go-getter with little patience for people who weren't up to her speed.
Now, it's often said that men tend to fall in love with women who remind them of their mother. That being said, it would stand to reason that I would fall in love with some pretty dynamic women. And looking back, I have indeed tended to go for girls who were either dynamic, or tough, or very smart, or un-effeminite, or some combination. Feminists might argue that I just have good taste, which I would take as a compliment if I thought it were that simple. While I believe those characteristics to be commendable in women, I certainly don't idealize those traits for their own sake, or think that all strong women must be strong in the same way. And I believe that some things are more important than strength.
So the question I ask myself is: do I have an unhealthy attachment to the past, a misguided belief that past relations/crushes affect me more than they do, or have I simply been involved with or had crushes on some very unique and thus influential women?
The ego in me definitely prefers the latter.
Without mentioning names or describing a lot of characters, I can't really explain my statement that a handful of pretty unique women have influenced me. And even if they haven't actually influenced me, I contend that they are/were indeed strong or dynamic, regardless.
There is of course another side to all this: me. It never occurred to me, before Maddy mentioned her observations, that I myself might be the cause of this hang-up (if you can call it that). I don't think there's anything unresolved in me; instead, I'm inclined to think that my list is simply taking the place of some deficiency. And this I tie in to my own self-confidence and self-respect. Somehow it makes more sense to me that growing up in the shadow of my sister (who takes after my mom), I would naturally feel more comfortable around strong women in whose shadow I could afford to nurture my own weaknesses. In other words, I liked strong women because I needed them to counteract my weakness, and now I need the memory of them to likewise suppliment my past self.
This would also explain how I came to be overly critical of those I got close enough to: finding myself on an even playing field with them, some of my rancor would naturally be let out; and to top it off, my mother's critical eye would become my eye, and I would criticize them for not being more like her. It's all pretty rediculous when you recall that the very people I was so critical of, I have maintained a lasting respect for.
I have learned one thing recently: I can no longer afford to be who I was. I can no longer afford to let my weaknesses be made up for by my partner. I realized that in Maddy I have found someone who is capable of putting up with my weaknesses without forcing me to fix them: thus I am forced to fix them of my own free will.
One of the women I include in this "list" once told me, "You're always praising people for what they're capable of and simultaneously putting yourself down for not being able to do it yourself. Stop doing that."
I think I finally understand what she meant.
Maddy pointed out to me a few days ago that I seem to give too much thought to my exes and past crushes, or at least more than she does. She wasn't pointing it out of jealousy, simply raising the point that I may be hung up on something regarding the way I have dealt with love-interests in the past.
An Odd comment to make, and yet I couldn't explain it any more than I could deny it.
And so, in the back of my mind since then, have been questions about... nothing in particular. Really, I don't think it's a big issue, but it is a little wierd, perhaps, and combined with my nostalgic mood as of late, it's made me conscious of myself in a sort of odd way.
It's true though: for a long time, since my first crush way back in junior high, I have been slowly accumulating a list of girls and women who have, whether or not they've actually become involved with me, have influenced me in some way. It's not a particularly long list, but I've always thought of it as a fairly important one. It's not that I am still enamoured of any of them, but that I credit them with in some way influencing who I am today. I have no such list of male friends.
Freud would probably attribute this to my relationship with my mother, and indeed, that's one of the first things I thought of too. Most sons probably have some issues that stem from the mother-son relationship, and I doubt I'm an exception, but I sense that mine may be different than the standard. Oedipus doesn't have anything to do with it: My mother was essentially my dad: strict, stern, and very masculine in character, and on top of that a scorpio, born in the year of the dragon, and with a parkinsonian personality. It all adds up to a mom who was a tough, quick thinking go-getter with little patience for people who weren't up to her speed.
Now, it's often said that men tend to fall in love with women who remind them of their mother. That being said, it would stand to reason that I would fall in love with some pretty dynamic women. And looking back, I have indeed tended to go for girls who were either dynamic, or tough, or very smart, or un-effeminite, or some combination. Feminists might argue that I just have good taste, which I would take as a compliment if I thought it were that simple. While I believe those characteristics to be commendable in women, I certainly don't idealize those traits for their own sake, or think that all strong women must be strong in the same way. And I believe that some things are more important than strength.
So the question I ask myself is: do I have an unhealthy attachment to the past, a misguided belief that past relations/crushes affect me more than they do, or have I simply been involved with or had crushes on some very unique and thus influential women?
The ego in me definitely prefers the latter.
Without mentioning names or describing a lot of characters, I can't really explain my statement that a handful of pretty unique women have influenced me. And even if they haven't actually influenced me, I contend that they are/were indeed strong or dynamic, regardless.
There is of course another side to all this: me. It never occurred to me, before Maddy mentioned her observations, that I myself might be the cause of this hang-up (if you can call it that). I don't think there's anything unresolved in me; instead, I'm inclined to think that my list is simply taking the place of some deficiency. And this I tie in to my own self-confidence and self-respect. Somehow it makes more sense to me that growing up in the shadow of my sister (who takes after my mom), I would naturally feel more comfortable around strong women in whose shadow I could afford to nurture my own weaknesses. In other words, I liked strong women because I needed them to counteract my weakness, and now I need the memory of them to likewise suppliment my past self.
This would also explain how I came to be overly critical of those I got close enough to: finding myself on an even playing field with them, some of my rancor would naturally be let out; and to top it off, my mother's critical eye would become my eye, and I would criticize them for not being more like her. It's all pretty rediculous when you recall that the very people I was so critical of, I have maintained a lasting respect for.
I have learned one thing recently: I can no longer afford to be who I was. I can no longer afford to let my weaknesses be made up for by my partner. I realized that in Maddy I have found someone who is capable of putting up with my weaknesses without forcing me to fix them: thus I am forced to fix them of my own free will.
One of the women I include in this "list" once told me, "You're always praising people for what they're capable of and simultaneously putting yourself down for not being able to do it yourself. Stop doing that."
I think I finally understand what she meant.