The Inner Workings of a Troubled Mind...
Andrea, that ellipses is just for you. ~_^
So anyway. Sini pointed out that I've not posted recently. So I thought I'd share a little bit of the way I think. Read at the risk of your sanity...
I've been talking to the therapist some about how I automatically assume the worst, or read the worst into things, or just, as she put it: 'go right to the dark side'. I thought I'd try to put some of that down here to kind of... explain myself? Or maybe just try to work through it in my own head. I'm still not really sure exactly why. But feel free to enjoy the ride.
To start, although it is not actually the start, here is an excerpt from an email from JJ:
"Trina! I'd like to say thank you for not forgetting me and considering friendship among us as very precious one.
You're really good person and I look forward to see you again on sometime at somewhere in the world.
Have a great week!"
This came at the end of his email, as you may have gathered. A bit of background on my thoughts - I emailed him first, and felt a bit forward doing it. Not sure how he'd feel about me bugging him now that he's not in the US, or working with me anymore. We were not exactly close or anything, but I had wanted to get to know him better. My ability to be painfully shy got in the way of that, in my opinion. So my hope is that even though he's back home, halfway across the world, at least maybe we could keep up conversation through email.
When I read those lines, here is approximately how I interpreted it: "Trina, thanks for emailing me, even though I'm no longer anywhere near you. It was nice to know you while I was there, but please don't bother me anymore, as I've moved on with my life." Except for the part where he said 'have a great week,' that is about what I got out of it. That last line though, was making me try to look at it more positively. Even after talking to several people about it however, that's still largely how I read it.
I can't really tell you why that's the impression I got from it. Lack of self-confidence? Lack of faith in his honesty? Miscommunication possibilities through email and language barriers? I dunno, but that's about how I feel. I'm hoping that if I keep emailing him, I'll realize he was just speaking the truth, and genuinely likes talking to me, and does look forward to the chance that we might run into each other somewhere in the world.
Another example is the email from the professor in New Zealand that I've been talking with. Here's a few selected comments pulled from one particular email, and my reactions (how I interpret in italics):
"Now Trina...before you get too fired up about the programme..." Woah Trina. Calm down. Don't be so sure you're going to get in.
"I am conscious this cost is very high...outrageously so in my opinion...and it is a lot of debt for a student to carry so early in life." You'll be wasting your money on this program, because you won't succeed in it.
"While it would be a nice adventure to come to New Zealand for a masters degree..." Don't come here on a lark. You sound like that's what you want, just the adventure. That's not a good enough reason.
"I hope this information helps to inform you about the choices that may lie ahead for you..." Are you sufficiently discouraged yet?
"I would not want to encourage you to leap into studies here without knowing what the course entails, what the benefits are to be derived from it (think about your employment intentions and what you want to be doing 5 years hence), and what costs you would face." Here's a nice, succinct summary of why you shouldn't come do this program. But I won't tell you that to your face. You should be smart enough to figure that out for yourself - that I don't want you here.
So yeah. That's... well, that's how I read it. The first read through. And the second, and then even the third. I'm working hard to convince myself otherwise though. I emailed him back, and he has since responded. Not with all of the information I would have liked, but at least with a response.
I don't really know where I'm gonna go with this. Just thought I'd allow you people a glimpse into Me. May it prove informative for you.
So anyway. Sini pointed out that I've not posted recently. So I thought I'd share a little bit of the way I think. Read at the risk of your sanity...
I've been talking to the therapist some about how I automatically assume the worst, or read the worst into things, or just, as she put it: 'go right to the dark side'. I thought I'd try to put some of that down here to kind of... explain myself? Or maybe just try to work through it in my own head. I'm still not really sure exactly why. But feel free to enjoy the ride.
To start, although it is not actually the start, here is an excerpt from an email from JJ:
"Trina! I'd like to say thank you for not forgetting me and considering friendship among us as very precious one.
You're really good person and I look forward to see you again on sometime at somewhere in the world.
Have a great week!"
This came at the end of his email, as you may have gathered. A bit of background on my thoughts - I emailed him first, and felt a bit forward doing it. Not sure how he'd feel about me bugging him now that he's not in the US, or working with me anymore. We were not exactly close or anything, but I had wanted to get to know him better. My ability to be painfully shy got in the way of that, in my opinion. So my hope is that even though he's back home, halfway across the world, at least maybe we could keep up conversation through email.
When I read those lines, here is approximately how I interpreted it: "Trina, thanks for emailing me, even though I'm no longer anywhere near you. It was nice to know you while I was there, but please don't bother me anymore, as I've moved on with my life." Except for the part where he said 'have a great week,' that is about what I got out of it. That last line though, was making me try to look at it more positively. Even after talking to several people about it however, that's still largely how I read it.
I can't really tell you why that's the impression I got from it. Lack of self-confidence? Lack of faith in his honesty? Miscommunication possibilities through email and language barriers? I dunno, but that's about how I feel. I'm hoping that if I keep emailing him, I'll realize he was just speaking the truth, and genuinely likes talking to me, and does look forward to the chance that we might run into each other somewhere in the world.
Another example is the email from the professor in New Zealand that I've been talking with. Here's a few selected comments pulled from one particular email, and my reactions (how I interpret in italics):
"Now Trina...before you get too fired up about the programme..." Woah Trina. Calm down. Don't be so sure you're going to get in.
"I am conscious this cost is very high...outrageously so in my opinion...and it is a lot of debt for a student to carry so early in life." You'll be wasting your money on this program, because you won't succeed in it.
"While it would be a nice adventure to come to New Zealand for a masters degree..." Don't come here on a lark. You sound like that's what you want, just the adventure. That's not a good enough reason.
"I hope this information helps to inform you about the choices that may lie ahead for you..." Are you sufficiently discouraged yet?
"I would not want to encourage you to leap into studies here without knowing what the course entails, what the benefits are to be derived from it (think about your employment intentions and what you want to be doing 5 years hence), and what costs you would face." Here's a nice, succinct summary of why you shouldn't come do this program. But I won't tell you that to your face. You should be smart enough to figure that out for yourself - that I don't want you here.
So yeah. That's... well, that's how I read it. The first read through. And the second, and then even the third. I'm working hard to convince myself otherwise though. I emailed him back, and he has since responded. Not with all of the information I would have liked, but at least with a response.
I don't really know where I'm gonna go with this. Just thought I'd allow you people a glimpse into Me. May it prove informative for you.