Thoughts and Dreams
This is my first story about the Desmond/Penny pairing. It's based partly on Desmond's flashbacks in the episode "Live together, die alone".
Disclaimer: I don’t own Lost, Desmond or Penny. The lines quoted at the beginning and Penny’s letter come courtesy of the transcripts at www.lostpedia.com.
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“How did you find me?”
“The landlord at your flat told me you ran here everyday.”
“How did you find me?”
“I have a lot of money, Desmond. With enough money and determination you can find anyone. Did you read your beloved book -- the one you were saving?”
“Not yet.”
“I thought you might have read it while you were away.”
“I was in prison, not away.”
“Why didn't you write to me?”
“When are you getting married, Pen?”
“We haven't set a date yet.”
“I'll be back in a year.”
“What if you were back, right now?”
“I'm going to win this race, Pen -- his race. And in a year, I'll be back.”
“Desmond, what are you running from?”
“I have to get my honor back, and that's what I'm running to.”
From “Live Together, Die Alone, LOST Season Two.
Property of ABC.
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Penny
That night at the stadium, I watched him walk away, and start his run, and I turned and went back to my car. I sat in my car and wept. I have no idea how long I spent there, but when I finally ran out of tears to cry, dawn was breaking and he was gone, so I went back to my hotel.
The next day, I got on a plane back to England. I went home. And I lived my life. I still have a job, working for my father’s company. I was supposed to get married. Father wanted me to get married, to a good, sensible, rich, ordinary man that he thoroughly approved of.
I couldn’t, though.
I called off the wedding, cancelled the engagement. I told my father that I wouldn’t marry someone simply to please him. The man I was going to marry? He found someone else. Someone rich and pretty who won’t interfere, probably. I don’t mind.
And what did I do? As I told him, I have a lot of money. So I used it, I used it to find him. It will be difficult, and it will not be quick, but I will find him. One day, I will find him.
I wonder, has he read my letter? I left it inside that precious book of his, but he said he had not read it yet. Maybe he hasn’t found my letter yet.
I have to find him. I love him so much.
I love you, Desmond.
Desmond
Another day.
Wake up.
Go to the computer.
4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute.
Put a record on.
Breakfast.
Shower.
Exercise.
4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute.
Every. Damn. Day.
I know now, about the only way to keep doing this is get drunk as often as you can. Either that or you take a gun from the armoury, end your own misery. Take the easy way out, like Radzinsky did. I wonder, is all this real? What if I’m down here, pushing that damn button, every hundred and eight minutes, every day, for THREE BLOODY YEARS, and it all turns out to be a joke. An experiment. A fake.
I think about that key every day. I ask myself every day if I have the courage to blow the dam. But I never manage to answer.
I think about her.
Penelope.
Penny.
Pen.
My love. My lost love.
She’s probably married by now. Married to someone her father approves of, might even have a bairn or two now, ya never know. She’s probably forgotten me. Probably forgotten this sad, lonely, drunken wreck named Desmond David Hume.
Why should she remember?
A gun. A simple, functional pistol. Loaded. Ready to use.
It would be so easy. One shot. Just put the barrel of the gun in my mouth or against my temple, pull the trigger. And it’s all over.
No more button.
No more wishing.
No more pain.
No more shame.
No more Desmond Hume.
Can I do it?
The book. The last book. Our Mutual Friend, the last of Dickens’ work that I have yet to read. And inside the cover, something unexpected.
A letter. Addressed to me. And I would know that handwriting anywhere.
A letter from Penny.
Dearest Des, I am writing this letter to you as you leave for prison. And I've hidden it in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. And I know the only person who can ever take it off is you. Please don't give up, Des. Because all we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us. And you have her. I will wait for you. Always. I love you, Pen.
Her words, written so long ago, burn themselves onto my mind. Please don’t give up, Des she asks. Why shouldn’t I, Pen? I’ve lost you. I can’t get back to you now. I’ve been gone three years, and you have no idea where I am, you don’t even know that I’m alive.
Why shouldn’t I give up?
I never used that pistol. What stopped me?
One, solitary, desperate man, screaming into the night above the hatch door. I saw him, I don’t know if he saw me.
Seeing him gave me strength. There was someone else out there, on the island, I wasn’t alone.
Seeing that one desperate man gave me the strength to keep living.
He gave me back my hope.
I love you, Penelope.
Penny
It wasn’t long ago that I had the phone call. I was asleep in bed at the time, but as usual I had the telephone by my bed. The ringing woke me up quickly, and when I picked up the handset, I heard a voice I had been both expecting and dreading.
The voice I heard was speaking english, but with a portugese accent. It was a voice I knew. Mathias was one of the people helping me to find Desmond. The search had led them to a region of the southern Pacific covered by a strange area of electromagnetic activity, where ships and boats occasionally disappeared. For a few months now, they had been monitoring this unusual electromagnetism from a station in Antarctica. We had arranged a signal. If they discovered anything that could be significant, they would call me immediately, at any time.
I knew the moment I heard his voice that something had happened. I barely heard him say “I think we found it.”. I looked over at the clock - 3:05am. I realised then that Mathias was still waiting on the other end of the line.
“Thank you, Mathias. I will contact you later. You know what to do.”
“Yes Miss Widmore. Good night.”
“Good night, Mathias.”
I hung up the phone slowly, almost in a daze, and sat up in bed. They had found it. They had found… something, that might lead me to the man I had been scouring the planet for.
I didn’t go back to sleep that night. Instead, I fetched an old shoebox from the top shelf of my wardrobe, settled back onto my bed, and lost myself in the past until the sun rose, looking at old photographs, old letters and trinkets. With each photograph of Des that I held, each letter or postcard in his writing that I read, I felt closer to him. That night, that one night, I realised that I really could find him. That this was not some futile, desperate quest. I knew, from that night, that I would see him again.
As the sun started to rise, and the first rays of light crept into the room, I picked up the photograph of us together in New York, the old picture that I keep on my bedside table, and gently kissed his face. I curled up in bed, clutching that photograph to my chest, and slowly drifted off to sleep. As I closed my eyes, I murmured “I love you, Des.”, before falling asleep surrounded by the mementoes of our time together.
Desmond
I knew I was dreamin’. I opened my eyes, an’ I was lying in my old bed in the bunker. I knew it was a dream ‘cos the bunker was gone. Imploded or something when I turned that goddamned key. In the dream, I propped myself up, then stood up and looked around. Yep, this was definitely the Swan. Everything was exactly as it had been, before Box-man an’ I had that crazy idea about not pushing the button.
Wait. The button. I knew there was something wrong. Even though I knew this ain’t real, I knew it was wrong, somehow. I headed over to where the computer shoulda been, but it wasnae there. I looked up at the wall, thinking I would see the oh-so-familiar counter, ticking down from 108.
It wasn’t there.
Now, I was really confused. I was dreaming about being in the Swan, but without the two items that defined the very essence of my stay there, it didn’t make sense. Suddenly, everything went dark.
When the lights came on, I wasn’t in the Swan any more. I was in a bedroom, and it was a bedroom that was very familiar. I was standing in front of a double bed, and I could see a human shape curled up under the covers.
“Penny?”
At the sound of my voice, the figure in the bed sat bolt upright, staring at me.
“Des?”
She looked, beautiful, just sitting there in her bed, in her silk nightgown with her blonde hair loose and messy around her shoulders. Her voice was still sleepy, but her blue eyes were locked on mine.
“Penny…”
“Is this real, Des?”
“I think I’m dreamin’. Dunno about you, though, Pen.”
“I think I must be dreaming as well. You can’t be here… you weren’t here before. This must be a dream.”
“I s’pose so. At least it’s a good dream, yea?”
“It’s a wonderful dream. Come here, Des, please. Just sit with me.”
I walked over to the bed, and sat down gingerly on the edge, but she pulled me closer to her.
“Des…I missed you. I missed you so much. I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Penny, I… I was on that race, the one I was training for. There was a storm, I crashed on an island. And I couldn’t get off the island. Outside of this dream, I probably still can’t..”
She silenced me then, placing two elegant, thin fingers on my lips as she murmured. “Shh. Do you remember, that night when I said I’d always be able to find you?”
“Yea.”
“I’ve been trying. I think I found this island, Des. I can come and rescue you, and then we can always be together.”
“Oh Pen… I thought you’d forgotten me. I thought you’d moved on.”
“How could I do that? How can I move on from you? You’re the one, Des. I don’t want anyone else.”
I couldn’t answer her, I tried to find the words but instead only tears came running down my face. Penny took my face in her hands, and used her thumbs to blot away my tears. “Oh, Des, what’s happened to you?”
“I don’t know…”
“Hey, hey, it’s all going to be all right.”
“How do you know that, Pen?”
“I know that, because I know you… and I know that you will come back to me. Not just in a dream, but for real. Because I love you, Des, and I believe in you.”
“You do?”
Her answer was to lean forward and kiss me lightly, before whispering “Of course.”
Then, I heard a noise that didn’t seem quite right, considering that we were in Penny’s bedroom. The sound of a golf club hitting a ball, and someone yelling “Fore!”.
I frowned, but then everything went black again.
When I opened my eyes, I knew I was awake. I wasn’t in Pen’s bedroom. I was sitting propped up against a tree at the edge of the beach, stuck on that damn island still. I blinked a few times in the sunlight, then looked around and soon saw what was happening.
A little way down the beach, Hurley had set up a short golf course, and he and Paulo were practising. Some of the others were sitting or standing around watching. Charlie was standing with Hurley, Rose and her husband, Bernard, were sitting on a blanket under the shade of a tree. Nearest to me was Claire, with her baby on her lap.
I shifted position, stretching a bit, and Claire turned her head and smiled warmly at me when she saw I was awake. I think she’s got a bit of a thing for me, that Claire lass. I suppose I’d best steer clear of Charlie too, if I didn’t want a beating. I smiled back at her, but tried to make it friendly rather than flirtatious. After all, Claire’s a sweet girl, but I have my lady Penelope coming to rescue me.
And she will be all I need and more. I sit back and remember the dream. She loves me. She truly loves me. She hasn’t forgotten me.
I love you, Penny. And I’ll see you soon, I hope.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Lost, Desmond or Penny. The lines quoted at the beginning and Penny’s letter come courtesy of the transcripts at www.lostpedia.com.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“How did you find me?”
“The landlord at your flat told me you ran here everyday.”
“How did you find me?”
“I have a lot of money, Desmond. With enough money and determination you can find anyone. Did you read your beloved book -- the one you were saving?”
“Not yet.”
“I thought you might have read it while you were away.”
“I was in prison, not away.”
“Why didn't you write to me?”
“When are you getting married, Pen?”
“We haven't set a date yet.”
“I'll be back in a year.”
“What if you were back, right now?”
“I'm going to win this race, Pen -- his race. And in a year, I'll be back.”
“Desmond, what are you running from?”
“I have to get my honor back, and that's what I'm running to.”
From “Live Together, Die Alone, LOST Season Two.
Property of ABC.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Penny
That night at the stadium, I watched him walk away, and start his run, and I turned and went back to my car. I sat in my car and wept. I have no idea how long I spent there, but when I finally ran out of tears to cry, dawn was breaking and he was gone, so I went back to my hotel.
The next day, I got on a plane back to England. I went home. And I lived my life. I still have a job, working for my father’s company. I was supposed to get married. Father wanted me to get married, to a good, sensible, rich, ordinary man that he thoroughly approved of.
I couldn’t, though.
I called off the wedding, cancelled the engagement. I told my father that I wouldn’t marry someone simply to please him. The man I was going to marry? He found someone else. Someone rich and pretty who won’t interfere, probably. I don’t mind.
And what did I do? As I told him, I have a lot of money. So I used it, I used it to find him. It will be difficult, and it will not be quick, but I will find him. One day, I will find him.
I wonder, has he read my letter? I left it inside that precious book of his, but he said he had not read it yet. Maybe he hasn’t found my letter yet.
I have to find him. I love him so much.
I love you, Desmond.
Desmond
Another day.
Wake up.
Go to the computer.
4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute.
Put a record on.
Breakfast.
Shower.
Exercise.
4 8 15 16 23 42 Execute.
Every. Damn. Day.
I know now, about the only way to keep doing this is get drunk as often as you can. Either that or you take a gun from the armoury, end your own misery. Take the easy way out, like Radzinsky did. I wonder, is all this real? What if I’m down here, pushing that damn button, every hundred and eight minutes, every day, for THREE BLOODY YEARS, and it all turns out to be a joke. An experiment. A fake.
I think about that key every day. I ask myself every day if I have the courage to blow the dam. But I never manage to answer.
I think about her.
Penelope.
Penny.
Pen.
My love. My lost love.
She’s probably married by now. Married to someone her father approves of, might even have a bairn or two now, ya never know. She’s probably forgotten me. Probably forgotten this sad, lonely, drunken wreck named Desmond David Hume.
Why should she remember?
A gun. A simple, functional pistol. Loaded. Ready to use.
It would be so easy. One shot. Just put the barrel of the gun in my mouth or against my temple, pull the trigger. And it’s all over.
No more button.
No more wishing.
No more pain.
No more shame.
No more Desmond Hume.
Can I do it?
The book. The last book. Our Mutual Friend, the last of Dickens’ work that I have yet to read. And inside the cover, something unexpected.
A letter. Addressed to me. And I would know that handwriting anywhere.
A letter from Penny.
Dearest Des, I am writing this letter to you as you leave for prison. And I've hidden it in the one place you would turn to in a moment of great desperation. I know you go away with the weight of what happened on your shoulders. And I know the only person who can ever take it off is you. Please don't give up, Des. Because all we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us. And you have her. I will wait for you. Always. I love you, Pen.
Her words, written so long ago, burn themselves onto my mind. Please don’t give up, Des she asks. Why shouldn’t I, Pen? I’ve lost you. I can’t get back to you now. I’ve been gone three years, and you have no idea where I am, you don’t even know that I’m alive.
Why shouldn’t I give up?
I never used that pistol. What stopped me?
One, solitary, desperate man, screaming into the night above the hatch door. I saw him, I don’t know if he saw me.
Seeing him gave me strength. There was someone else out there, on the island, I wasn’t alone.
Seeing that one desperate man gave me the strength to keep living.
He gave me back my hope.
I love you, Penelope.
Penny
It wasn’t long ago that I had the phone call. I was asleep in bed at the time, but as usual I had the telephone by my bed. The ringing woke me up quickly, and when I picked up the handset, I heard a voice I had been both expecting and dreading.
The voice I heard was speaking english, but with a portugese accent. It was a voice I knew. Mathias was one of the people helping me to find Desmond. The search had led them to a region of the southern Pacific covered by a strange area of electromagnetic activity, where ships and boats occasionally disappeared. For a few months now, they had been monitoring this unusual electromagnetism from a station in Antarctica. We had arranged a signal. If they discovered anything that could be significant, they would call me immediately, at any time.
I knew the moment I heard his voice that something had happened. I barely heard him say “I think we found it.”. I looked over at the clock - 3:05am. I realised then that Mathias was still waiting on the other end of the line.
“Thank you, Mathias. I will contact you later. You know what to do.”
“Yes Miss Widmore. Good night.”
“Good night, Mathias.”
I hung up the phone slowly, almost in a daze, and sat up in bed. They had found it. They had found… something, that might lead me to the man I had been scouring the planet for.
I didn’t go back to sleep that night. Instead, I fetched an old shoebox from the top shelf of my wardrobe, settled back onto my bed, and lost myself in the past until the sun rose, looking at old photographs, old letters and trinkets. With each photograph of Des that I held, each letter or postcard in his writing that I read, I felt closer to him. That night, that one night, I realised that I really could find him. That this was not some futile, desperate quest. I knew, from that night, that I would see him again.
As the sun started to rise, and the first rays of light crept into the room, I picked up the photograph of us together in New York, the old picture that I keep on my bedside table, and gently kissed his face. I curled up in bed, clutching that photograph to my chest, and slowly drifted off to sleep. As I closed my eyes, I murmured “I love you, Des.”, before falling asleep surrounded by the mementoes of our time together.
Desmond
I knew I was dreamin’. I opened my eyes, an’ I was lying in my old bed in the bunker. I knew it was a dream ‘cos the bunker was gone. Imploded or something when I turned that goddamned key. In the dream, I propped myself up, then stood up and looked around. Yep, this was definitely the Swan. Everything was exactly as it had been, before Box-man an’ I had that crazy idea about not pushing the button.
Wait. The button. I knew there was something wrong. Even though I knew this ain’t real, I knew it was wrong, somehow. I headed over to where the computer shoulda been, but it wasnae there. I looked up at the wall, thinking I would see the oh-so-familiar counter, ticking down from 108.
It wasn’t there.
Now, I was really confused. I was dreaming about being in the Swan, but without the two items that defined the very essence of my stay there, it didn’t make sense. Suddenly, everything went dark.
When the lights came on, I wasn’t in the Swan any more. I was in a bedroom, and it was a bedroom that was very familiar. I was standing in front of a double bed, and I could see a human shape curled up under the covers.
“Penny?”
At the sound of my voice, the figure in the bed sat bolt upright, staring at me.
“Des?”
She looked, beautiful, just sitting there in her bed, in her silk nightgown with her blonde hair loose and messy around her shoulders. Her voice was still sleepy, but her blue eyes were locked on mine.
“Penny…”
“Is this real, Des?”
“I think I’m dreamin’. Dunno about you, though, Pen.”
“I think I must be dreaming as well. You can’t be here… you weren’t here before. This must be a dream.”
“I s’pose so. At least it’s a good dream, yea?”
“It’s a wonderful dream. Come here, Des, please. Just sit with me.”
I walked over to the bed, and sat down gingerly on the edge, but she pulled me closer to her.
“Des…I missed you. I missed you so much. I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Penny, I… I was on that race, the one I was training for. There was a storm, I crashed on an island. And I couldn’t get off the island. Outside of this dream, I probably still can’t..”
She silenced me then, placing two elegant, thin fingers on my lips as she murmured. “Shh. Do you remember, that night when I said I’d always be able to find you?”
“Yea.”
“I’ve been trying. I think I found this island, Des. I can come and rescue you, and then we can always be together.”
“Oh Pen… I thought you’d forgotten me. I thought you’d moved on.”
“How could I do that? How can I move on from you? You’re the one, Des. I don’t want anyone else.”
I couldn’t answer her, I tried to find the words but instead only tears came running down my face. Penny took my face in her hands, and used her thumbs to blot away my tears. “Oh, Des, what’s happened to you?”
“I don’t know…”
“Hey, hey, it’s all going to be all right.”
“How do you know that, Pen?”
“I know that, because I know you… and I know that you will come back to me. Not just in a dream, but for real. Because I love you, Des, and I believe in you.”
“You do?”
Her answer was to lean forward and kiss me lightly, before whispering “Of course.”
Then, I heard a noise that didn’t seem quite right, considering that we were in Penny’s bedroom. The sound of a golf club hitting a ball, and someone yelling “Fore!”.
I frowned, but then everything went black again.
When I opened my eyes, I knew I was awake. I wasn’t in Pen’s bedroom. I was sitting propped up against a tree at the edge of the beach, stuck on that damn island still. I blinked a few times in the sunlight, then looked around and soon saw what was happening.
A little way down the beach, Hurley had set up a short golf course, and he and Paulo were practising. Some of the others were sitting or standing around watching. Charlie was standing with Hurley, Rose and her husband, Bernard, were sitting on a blanket under the shade of a tree. Nearest to me was Claire, with her baby on her lap.
I shifted position, stretching a bit, and Claire turned her head and smiled warmly at me when she saw I was awake. I think she’s got a bit of a thing for me, that Claire lass. I suppose I’d best steer clear of Charlie too, if I didn’t want a beating. I smiled back at her, but tried to make it friendly rather than flirtatious. After all, Claire’s a sweet girl, but I have my lady Penelope coming to rescue me.
And she will be all I need and more. I sit back and remember the dream. She loves me. She truly loves me. She hasn’t forgotten me.
I love you, Penny. And I’ll see you soon, I hope.