God's Not Dead 3 - Philosophical Kombat!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
"It is not that Dali is so good, but it is that Kevin Sorbo everyone else is so bad." - Salvador Dali
With that out of the way, it's back to Josh's much more interesting story about having to talk in class. On his first round infront of the podium, he opens up with the not-my-burden-of-proof tactic: you cannot specifically disprove the existence of God, therefore God. (Like you cannot disprove that the hobo yelling at you outside Taco Bell is indeed the King of Space, so you better not take any chances.) He also argues that "let there be light" kinda sorta sounds like a big bang if you squint your eyes and don't think about it too much, therefore theists got it right waaaaaaay sooner than dumbo loser scientists finally caught up, and whichever side calls dibs wins. And it pretty much goes on like this. If you want to read an in-depth analysis of the "arguments" presented in these segments, I point you to Psychology Today. It's pretty excruciating so I'll just gloss over the general course of what happens: Hercules will take a quote out of context and draw a logical fallacy from it, to which Josh will then openly misrepresent that quote and then, rather than refute the fallacy presented (or forcibly inserted...), will bust out with an even cooler version of that fallacy in retaliation. My appeal to authority trumps YOUR appeal to authority! My circular reasoning trumps YOUR circular reasoning! Pikachu, use THUNDERBOLT! And so on. This gets Hercules SUPER PISSED because he's apparently never debated anyone before, and he PHYSICALLY SEIZES Josh after class to scream at him. "You think you're smarter than me?! ... In that classroom there IS a God - and I'M HIM! ... I will make it my PERSONAL. MISSION. To destroy ANY hope of a law degree in your future!" And this marks Sorbo's descent into full-on Jack Chick straw-villain mode, which is admittedly pretty fun to watch. From now on Hercules will just get crazier and crazier until he totally flips his shit in front of everyone and God Himself has to drop the hammer.
But right now, it's time for a dinner party. Deep in his opulent lair of sin, Hercules prepares to host The Legion of Doom with his fellow philosophy dept. supervillains, who will gather 'round to sneer at the FOOL Josh and discuss his downfall, chuckling sadistically at his "academic suicide" with leftist snobbery. When his servile not-wife enters the room and questions his kick-the-shit-out-of-this-kid lesson plan, he remarks that she is spoiling his fun. But when she presses the issue and lets slip that she is (DUN DUN DUN!) a THEIST infront of everybody the night turns ugly, and for this indignity Kevin Sorbo will flagrantly belittle her until she flees the room in tears. You might think that at least one of the other dinner guests, many of whom are women, might take issue with their host degrading his unwife in front of them, or least find it a little socially awkward instead of JOINING IN and laughing about it, but remember these are non-christians. CHILDREN OF THE DEVIL. In a twist, we find out that Kevin Sorbo actually wants/needs something from loves her when no one's looking but is just too atheist to ever love her for reals. In a later scene Boring Minister tells her she has a "Cinderella complex," but that God made her in His image and would slaughter Jesus all over again just for her, so since God loves her who cares what Kevin Sorbo thinks? (Despite the fact that, by extension, God also loves Kevin Sorbo exactly the same amount... and... well you'll see.)
After ROUND TWO - in which Josh accuses evolution of explicitly trying to replace God and points out that oh, isn't it convenient that highly successful animal traits suddenly become highly successful only after those traits start existing - Kevin Sorbo does the IMPOSSIBLE. To Josh's disbelief he starts quoting the bible, which we all know an atheist cannot do lest the words burn in their demon throats. For you see, Hercules was once like Josh, before his wicked stepmother Hera smote his family and he swore an oath of vengeance against the cruel power of the Olympians. "That is why, WHEATON, you will find the most committed atheists were once Jedi Christians." Of course! Atheists don't actually believe there is no God, that would be ridiculous - what are you, retarded? Everyone knows there's a Judeo-Christian God, duh. They just act like there's no God to CHEESE HIM OFF. Hercules goes on to quote Macbeth in a marvelously overacted scene, which you can see part of in other trailers.
Later, our big bad once again convenes The Legion of Doom to discuss the SHEER MADNESS that this "Josh" could QUESTION THE GREAT AND POWERFUL RICHARD DAWKINS as if that was even POSSIBLE - monocles popping off of eyeballs with enough force to flatten Nagasaki - when his not-wife appears to publicly announce in front of the Legion that she's not-divorcing him. BURRRRRRN.
By ROUND THREE, Hercules has had ENOUGH of this shit. Josh explains that God gave us free will so that we could choose Him - which gives Him a nice ego boost - so that's why He lets children get sold into sexual slavery by drug cartels and invented a spiky fish that swims into your penis. But it's okay because one day he'll blow up the world and if you liked Him, you won't burn in hellfire for all eternity, which Kevin Sorbo retorts is bullshit. But then Josh points out that atheists are soulless nihilists with no moral compass, or if they're not they ought to be, because if Josh were an athiest he would cheat, lie, and steal like the day is long so it's a good thing he's not, huh? And because we wouldn't want that, there must be a God; that's just logic. Hercules retorts that this is, again, unreasoning bullshit, BUT armed with his secret weakness, Josh opportunistically capitalizes on his fragile emotional state to call him out on his tragic past. "Who are you really looking to fail, professor? Me? Or God? Do you hate God? WHY do you hate God? ["Have you stopped beating your wife?"] WHYDOYOUHATEGODANSWERTHEQUESTION!!! You've SEEN the science and the arguments! Science supports his existence [lol wut] - you know the TRUTH! SO WHY DO YOU HATE HIM?! WHY?! It's a very SIMPLE question professor! Why! Do you! Hate! GOD!!!" Becoming the very thing he once hated, Josh bullies Kevin Sorbo into a corner forcing him to admit what happened to him. With the Dark Lord emotionally devastated, every student stands up one at a time in an "I am Spartacus" moment to announce that "God is not dead!" Because all 80 of them are now Christians.
THIS IS WHAT SCIENTOLOGISTS ACTUALLY BELIEVE.
First!
Part 2 - Love me or else!
Part 3 - Philosophical Kombat!
Part 4 - Deux ex machina!