reading too much
PROPOSITION DERP
ANALYSIS BY THE LEGISLATIVE ANALYST:
*Increase in sales tax on humboldt squid by .025%
*Allocates tax revenues 49% to snuggling puppies, 1% to cooking puppies, and 50% to administrative costs for 7 years
*Increases coolness by 20%
ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF DERP:
Your state has a long history of prostitution. But prop DERP isn't about prostitution, it is about puppies and cool.
An undisclosed vagrant I found recently rated Your State's policies as "bad." Had the wasteful, fat-cat politicians in BOO STATE CAPITAL BOOOOO listened to him, those policies could have been rated "good." But those politician are too busy taking millions of dollars from special interests like Big Squid. These same politicians and out-of-state squid lobbyists hold opulent fundraisers at their country clubs and golf courses and volcano island bases, drinking molten gold and smoking cigars rolled entirely from gold leaf just to piss you off. The result? Record budget deficits and wealthy prostitutes that will say anything to protect the status quo.
DERP closes the loophole allowing puppies to go unsnuggled. That just makes sense. A popular but also undisclosed vagrant who may or may not be on the Supreme Court was quoted as calling this loophole "lame." Current law does NOTHING to address this. DERP protects your family's right to government-snuggled puppies. One or more leading members from whatever party you belong to along with some prostitutes support DERP in all statistical likelihood. One time, there was this guy that stole like $200,000 and jumped out of a plane. DERP is an example of something that is not like that. Your State simply cannot afford business as usual.
Voters beware: opponents of DERP have spent hundred of monies to prevent you from hearing the truth, monies that could have gone to being totally cool instead of prostitution. What are they so afraid of? Ghosts? They've invented a false, bogus, cynical, fact-based argument: They claim proposition DERP cooks puppies. The fact is that children love puppies. Children are our future. Do you love children? Anyone who doesn't love children is a robot sent from the future to destroy the future. Vote HERP on DERP.
"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."
― Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw), known man
"We have a puppy named Lucy... two cats... goldfish... and Louis, our lop earred rabbit."
― Julia Barr, known woman
“I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.”
― Freddie Mercury, ???
REBUTTAL TO ARGUMENT IN FAVOR:
If snuggling puppies was as easy as passing a proposition, of course we would support it. We all want the government to manage our coolness, but DERP IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS. Supporters of DERP SAY it will snuggle puppies, but will it really? Yes, it will. But will it REALLY for REALS? What is real? How do you define "real?" If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. Are the colors you see the same colors everyone else sees, or did I just blow your mind? Think about it.
Where will this flawed 20% coolness scheme be taken from? YOUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE. And just how big is the middle-class tax hike on your squid? Does it even say? I didn't read it because it's time to draw the line to protect Your State. The fact is that self-interested, fat-cat politicians would rather raise taxes than streamline government bureaucracy by cutting out-of-control waste programs like police and education and replace them with squid-based alternatives. Instead, they cut shady, smoke-filled, back-room deals on dark, stormy nights with hook-handed special interest reps from Big Puppy to spend taxpayer dollars. Last election, the fat-cat bureaucrats wasted greater than no monies doing things you previously voted for them to do. Let's make them build a time machine to unspend those monies and write checks directly to our puppies!
Consider the facts:
*There have been NO assurances from supporters that DERP will not in fact divert snuggle-money to flying human-faced scorpions, which a paid panel of independent cryptozoologists agree are also things. Ask yourself: why?
*You work hard trying to put food on the table. Yet, proposition DERP will do NOTHING to address the clown living under your bed. Ask yourself: why?
* Prop DERP snuggles unelected, unaccountable puppies yet does not snuggle humboldt aka "vampire" squid, EVEN THOUGH scientists have proven they are both animals. This simply does not make any sense.
*DERP infringes on small snuggle-based businesses and KILLS JOBS, which represents up to a portion of Your State's economy!
*Most other countries aren't cool at all. Ask yourself: shouldn't America stay up to speed on modern trends with its foreign competitors?
*In 1972, a proposition with similar sentence structure and grammar was rejected by Your State voters. Now politicians are pushing the same failed literary practices again.
*Supporters say that not passing DERP means unsnuggled puppies. That sounds like a threat. Ask yourself: are you threatening me? I'll f****** cut your b****-a** throat you c***sucking little *****. Stand up and/or fight back by sending them a motherf****** message and stop the threats coming out of HISSS STATE CAPITAL BOOO!!
We need REAL solutions to grow the economy, eat whatever we want without getting fat, and de-clown our beds, INSTEAD of gambling on more risky, experimental snuggling by a small group of politicians. Don't fall for the manipulation! Supporters of DERP can't defend their initiative and are so desperate they'll say anything to get your vote, but you are too SMART (and attractive!) to be fooled ...aren't you?. BAWWWW on DERP.
Leroy Jenkins
TekWar veteran
ARGUMENT AGAINST:
HURRRR DURRR DURRRR HURRRR
REBUTTAL TO ARGUMENT AGAINST:
DERP DERP DERP DERPY-DO
ANALYSIS BY THE LEGISLATIVE ANALYST:
*Increase in sales tax on humboldt squid by .025%
*Allocates tax revenues 49% to snuggling puppies, 1% to cooking puppies, and 50% to administrative costs for 7 years
*Increases coolness by 20%
ARGUMENT IN FAVOR OF DERP:
Your state has a long history of prostitution. But prop DERP isn't about prostitution, it is about puppies and cool.
An undisclosed vagrant I found recently rated Your State's policies as "bad." Had the wasteful, fat-cat politicians in BOO STATE CAPITAL BOOOOO listened to him, those policies could have been rated "good." But those politician are too busy taking millions of dollars from special interests like Big Squid. These same politicians and out-of-state squid lobbyists hold opulent fundraisers at their country clubs and golf courses and volcano island bases, drinking molten gold and smoking cigars rolled entirely from gold leaf just to piss you off. The result? Record budget deficits and wealthy prostitutes that will say anything to protect the status quo.
DERP closes the loophole allowing puppies to go unsnuggled. That just makes sense. A popular but also undisclosed vagrant who may or may not be on the Supreme Court was quoted as calling this loophole "lame." Current law does NOTHING to address this. DERP protects your family's right to government-snuggled puppies. One or more leading members from whatever party you belong to along with some prostitutes support DERP in all statistical likelihood. One time, there was this guy that stole like $200,000 and jumped out of a plane. DERP is an example of something that is not like that. Your State simply cannot afford business as usual.
Voters beware: opponents of DERP have spent hundred of monies to prevent you from hearing the truth, monies that could have gone to being totally cool instead of prostitution. What are they so afraid of? Ghosts? They've invented a false, bogus, cynical, fact-based argument: They claim proposition DERP cooks puppies. The fact is that children love puppies. Children are our future. Do you love children? Anyone who doesn't love children is a robot sent from the future to destroy the future. Vote HERP on DERP.
"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."
― Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw), known man
"We have a puppy named Lucy... two cats... goldfish... and Louis, our lop earred rabbit."
― Julia Barr, known woman
“I'm just a musical prostitute, my dear.”
― Freddie Mercury, ???
REBUTTAL TO ARGUMENT IN FAVOR:
If snuggling puppies was as easy as passing a proposition, of course we would support it. We all want the government to manage our coolness, but DERP IS NOT WHAT IT SEEMS. Supporters of DERP SAY it will snuggle puppies, but will it really? Yes, it will. But will it REALLY for REALS? What is real? How do you define "real?" If you're talking about what you can feel, what you can smell, what you can taste and see, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain. Are the colors you see the same colors everyone else sees, or did I just blow your mind? Think about it.
Where will this flawed 20% coolness scheme be taken from? YOUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE. And just how big is the middle-class tax hike on your squid? Does it even say? I didn't read it because it's time to draw the line to protect Your State. The fact is that self-interested, fat-cat politicians would rather raise taxes than streamline government bureaucracy by cutting out-of-control waste programs like police and education and replace them with squid-based alternatives. Instead, they cut shady, smoke-filled, back-room deals on dark, stormy nights with hook-handed special interest reps from Big Puppy to spend taxpayer dollars. Last election, the fat-cat bureaucrats wasted greater than no monies doing things you previously voted for them to do. Let's make them build a time machine to unspend those monies and write checks directly to our puppies!
Consider the facts:
*There have been NO assurances from supporters that DERP will not in fact divert snuggle-money to flying human-faced scorpions, which a paid panel of independent cryptozoologists agree are also things. Ask yourself: why?
*You work hard trying to put food on the table. Yet, proposition DERP will do NOTHING to address the clown living under your bed. Ask yourself: why?
* Prop DERP snuggles unelected, unaccountable puppies yet does not snuggle humboldt aka "vampire" squid, EVEN THOUGH scientists have proven they are both animals. This simply does not make any sense.
*DERP infringes on small snuggle-based businesses and KILLS JOBS, which represents up to a portion of Your State's economy!
*Most other countries aren't cool at all. Ask yourself: shouldn't America stay up to speed on modern trends with its foreign competitors?
*In 1972, a proposition with similar sentence structure and grammar was rejected by Your State voters. Now politicians are pushing the same failed literary practices again.
*Supporters say that not passing DERP means unsnuggled puppies. That sounds like a threat. Ask yourself: are you threatening me? I'll f****** cut your b****-a** throat you c***sucking little *****. Stand up and/or fight back by sending them a motherf****** message and stop the threats coming out of HISSS STATE CAPITAL BOOO!!
We need REAL solutions to grow the economy, eat whatever we want without getting fat, and de-clown our beds, INSTEAD of gambling on more risky, experimental snuggling by a small group of politicians. Don't fall for the manipulation! Supporters of DERP can't defend their initiative and are so desperate they'll say anything to get your vote, but you are too SMART (and attractive!) to be fooled ...aren't you?. BAWWWW on DERP.
Leroy Jenkins
TekWar veteran
ARGUMENT AGAINST:
HURRRR DURRR DURRRR HURRRR
REBUTTAL TO ARGUMENT AGAINST:
DERP DERP DERP DERPY-DO