Taking for granted
Today I had a conversation with a long time friend. She was honest, thoughtful, logical, clear minded. Everything I didn't want her to be. I have gone years just assuming our friendship, our relationship would just go on forever. You know, one of those friends that was there no matter what? Things changed over the years, girlfriends and boyfriends, jobs, moving away and back. But in my mind I always thought we would be together at the end. I didn't plan for it though. It wasn't some silly illusion, where she was inside baking a pie, and I was walking through the picket fence gate with a suit case in hand(but now that seems exactly what I want). It was just a assumption, a idea in the way back of my mind that something would eventually happen. I didn't think about it..and I think about EVERYTHING. To a fault. Then a week with no contact, two..four. I assume she was busy. Or her phone was shut off again. I had a inkling, but I laughed at myself. She would always be there right? No. Well yes, she will. I don't claim we will ever not be friends. But friends apart. Friends from a distance. And that is tearing out my guts. The friend whom I just always assumed had my back, behind me with a shotgun fending off the zombies, told me she needed space. Reasonable? Yes. Obvious given the situation? Yes. But it hit me like a frozen cinder block against the squish of my cheek. And I find myself again in that situation that is so puzzling. Do I fight it? Do I run to the chapel, banging on the glass? Do I walk into work in a naval uniform and sweep her off her feet? Scenes from a movie, which in reality would be so much more complicated. When is it wise to accept reality, and when is it wise to fight it? I think now it is too late. I regret not fighting it prior. But at the same time I didn't feel then what I do now. And it is not forbidden fruit. For I felt this way prior to her pulling back. I actually just started accepting my feelings and thinking maybe I could use them to change the tide. And then this. Look whose late to the steak dinner..and I brought a spoon. ::frown:: ::laugh:: Well at-least I applied for college. Got accepted. That is something, at least something I can throw myself into. But damn it. I need to find someone. I'm getting close to 30. This isn't a game anymore. All I can do is work hard and hope I get lucky. Wish me luck!