Another update of rambling..
Again, typing this in Wordpad for some unknown reason...
I got talking to Jeff for a long while last night. He got me thinking on the past, and I know, I'm a fool for doing it. I looked back on old memories with him, we had our laughs, smiles, giggles, cries, hugs, etc. It all ended with him telling me to get some sleep, and a hug, and a gentle kiss on my forehead, then a nudge to bed. Then today, I woke up, and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I felt lonely, forgotten, invisble, as if I'm not real. Today in school, I didn't even bother getting dressed, I stayed in my PJ's. All day, my hair stayed in my face, I didn't smile, talk, or laugh. When someone talked to me, I stared at them... At lunch, I sat alone and poked at the fries.. then Sensai came over and told me my grade in math was a C.... At the beginning of the quarter, I had an A. That just somehow made me feel worse, I didn't do any of my work today, I sat and drew, damn near came close to tears. When I was walking home, I had Iris playing on my headphones, I glanced at my neighbors puppy, and he just kinda walked away from me. I don't feel real today, as if people jsut stare right through me. They would walk past me, and bump into me, not even glance at me, talk to me, nothing. I feel forgotten, and lost. As if I'm not even here for anything. I know, I know, "Everyone is here for a purpose Lisa." Go shove that up you're ass. Once you know how I'm feeling right at this moment of time, you'd want the same thing I do. Just to curl up into my bed and go into an eternal slumber, to never wake up. Be lost in a dream, it's better then reality. In my opinion anyway. I just want to be noticed, and cared for.. and I'm not talking people on the net, because I know some of them care. But here, I wanna be held when I need it, and to have a shoulder to cry on, to turn to that person with -ANYTHING- if I needed it, to love them, to be loved in return, to spend time with them.
I'm tired of putting up a faccade, so everyone thinks I'm fucking happy, so everyone doesn't worry about me. I love my family and friends. They're what keep me alive, and each day, I lose a piece of myself to what everyone calls, reality. I don't think there is such a thing as reality. I don't think there's such a thing as normal either. No one is truly 'normal'. Normal is, I think, a state of mind, where someone thinks, if someone dresses differently, talks differently, and looks different from everyone else in that community, there automaticlly not 'normal'. I'm tired of being asked everyday if I worship satan. How can one worship something they don't even believe in?
Lately, I've come to conclude that everyone is an outcast, everyone has their differences, they are just afaird to put them out in the open, so everyone can see that in some aspects, they're not 'normal'. They're scared of what the reactions of others may be. That if they show who they truly are, no one will like them anymore.
As a young girl, I was told many things, and showed many things no child should ever see... Or hear.. Things happened to me, that no child should ever feel, or even fear. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up... I don't know anymore, now if you excuse me, I'm going to go contemplate things... Such as why I was put on this earth..
Until next time... Lisa
I got talking to Jeff for a long while last night. He got me thinking on the past, and I know, I'm a fool for doing it. I looked back on old memories with him, we had our laughs, smiles, giggles, cries, hugs, etc. It all ended with him telling me to get some sleep, and a hug, and a gentle kiss on my forehead, then a nudge to bed. Then today, I woke up, and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I felt lonely, forgotten, invisble, as if I'm not real. Today in school, I didn't even bother getting dressed, I stayed in my PJ's. All day, my hair stayed in my face, I didn't smile, talk, or laugh. When someone talked to me, I stared at them... At lunch, I sat alone and poked at the fries.. then Sensai came over and told me my grade in math was a C.... At the beginning of the quarter, I had an A. That just somehow made me feel worse, I didn't do any of my work today, I sat and drew, damn near came close to tears. When I was walking home, I had Iris playing on my headphones, I glanced at my neighbors puppy, and he just kinda walked away from me. I don't feel real today, as if people jsut stare right through me. They would walk past me, and bump into me, not even glance at me, talk to me, nothing. I feel forgotten, and lost. As if I'm not even here for anything. I know, I know, "Everyone is here for a purpose Lisa." Go shove that up you're ass. Once you know how I'm feeling right at this moment of time, you'd want the same thing I do. Just to curl up into my bed and go into an eternal slumber, to never wake up. Be lost in a dream, it's better then reality. In my opinion anyway. I just want to be noticed, and cared for.. and I'm not talking people on the net, because I know some of them care. But here, I wanna be held when I need it, and to have a shoulder to cry on, to turn to that person with -ANYTHING- if I needed it, to love them, to be loved in return, to spend time with them.
I'm tired of putting up a faccade, so everyone thinks I'm fucking happy, so everyone doesn't worry about me. I love my family and friends. They're what keep me alive, and each day, I lose a piece of myself to what everyone calls, reality. I don't think there is such a thing as reality. I don't think there's such a thing as normal either. No one is truly 'normal'. Normal is, I think, a state of mind, where someone thinks, if someone dresses differently, talks differently, and looks different from everyone else in that community, there automaticlly not 'normal'. I'm tired of being asked everyday if I worship satan. How can one worship something they don't even believe in?
Lately, I've come to conclude that everyone is an outcast, everyone has their differences, they are just afaird to put them out in the open, so everyone can see that in some aspects, they're not 'normal'. They're scared of what the reactions of others may be. That if they show who they truly are, no one will like them anymore.
As a young girl, I was told many things, and showed many things no child should ever see... Or hear.. Things happened to me, that no child should ever feel, or even fear. Maybe that's why I'm so messed up... I don't know anymore, now if you excuse me, I'm going to go contemplate things... Such as why I was put on this earth..
Until next time... Lisa