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Jul 01, 2009 22:21

inaugural day.  been thinking about doing this forever.  finally got off my duff and here i am.  we'll see how well i like having this be public.  hmmm, love reading blogs, not sure if i'll love having others read mine.  sound hypocritical?  nah.

today is great.  the first week i will be working my new shifts, both in a row.  now i will actually have time to be with my family instead of sleeping constantly.  yet feeling exhausted still.  how is that exactly?  well, let me tell you...

work is, well, essential to me.  not only for the money aspect, but also b/c i've wanted to do this since i was little.  however, it saps me on so many levels.  i find myself feeling super lazy lately.  i feel like i drag, can't pick up the pace or do things in a timely manner.  i don't want others to think i'm lazy, either.  i fear that.  after i mentally kicked myself in the tush last night, that feeling sort of went out the window and i had more of a spring to my step.  thank God.  otherwise 12 hrs goes pretty darn slowly and with so much to do, stress starts to build.  i've been thinking more and more about how i'd like to take a break from nursing, maybe do something more lucrative that requires less work.  isn't that the formula we all hope to discover?  however, when i really think about it, i can actually go to work and then come home, leaving work at work.  i don't know how i'd do if i had to have work in my home, invading my space and throwing off the energy.  i want the home to be my santuary, not something that feels tainted by a need to be productive and pull my weight.  beh!  money.

what i keep coming back to, however, is how blessed i am in my job.  anyway i look at it, i see that.  so there, g.  find the culprit and nail it to the wall and walk out of the room, closing the door.  move on.  i feel it.

yoga tonight....so good.  everytime i do it, i remember the intense discipline i had to do it years ago and the incredible benefits.  i was so hooked, did it for hours and never felt so good and centered.  as always, i leave class thinking, i've got to do more of this.

didn't see the babies for over 24hrs.  i actually got to have a full 'night's' sleep though, so it softened the blow.  i felt out of it today and almost overslept, which would've sucked!  the kids were at a new sitter's, who seems totally amazing.  glad for that.  i didn't want to oversleep on my first day picking them up.  they seemed very happy and well taken care of.  now i really understand why people pay what they do for childcare.  puts ya in the poor house, but man, these little people are so precious.

r is fabulous.  second night he was dry!  yeah!  he's been such a joy to me lately.   i have to remember, despite the fact that he can be difficult and mouthy, he is just a tender heart who responds best to love.  i feel time slipping thru my fingers and i clutch it but its wily and cunning.  gotta mop up myself, my ways and walk the right path that he needs.  reading 'a thousand little pieces' last night spoke to me....controlling causing rebelling and rage.  boy, i see how that could happen and it hit me right b/t the eyes.  my tendency to be rigid, his reaction of being defiant in his little boy ways...oh my heart.  i fail you repeatedly but mommy's working baby, working on this all.  Lord help me, i want my relationship with him to be different than that of my parents and me.  mostly dad and me.  unfortunately, i see his reflection when i look in the mirror.  sweet Lord be near, guide me.

m is wondrous.  precious.  glorious.  don't want to fail her either, and i feel like if i don't fail r, i won't fail her.  i'm sure she'll change it up, though, lol.  she's so yum.

d is out getting fireworks for the 4th.  i'm so excited.  i love this stuff....loving the life we have, i want to dive into it and ignore the responsibilites outside of our cocoon.  just playing and laughing, snuggling and lovin'...that's what makes the good stuff of life.  i want to look back and think we've done well, want the kids to look back and smile and say 'boy, i'm going to do this with my family, too' or 'i had the time of my life when i was little'.  yeah man, i could really dig that.
on tap for the 4th
--bouncy house
--pool
--swing set
--lots of sunscreen and good food (not necessarily together, lol!)
--music
--laughter and joy
--fireworks at night
--bonfire and  all sorts of culinary endeavors over open flame
--fun with neighbors and kids

i'm up way too late.  gonna tuck in and read some book, wait for the man and hope i have enough left in me to seal the deal tonight.  been way too long.

parade tomorrow!!  yeahhhhh!!!

God bless us all, everyone.
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