The Preserve, Saturday evening
The moment her chakra had been restored to her and her mind and emotions became her own once more, Raven had been furious at being so used by Sebastian. She did not let the anger control her, however, but she had quickly removed the threat to her friends by pulling Sebastian and his followers and the demons into the netherverse, ejecting them into some random hell dimension. It was only fitting.
That taken care of, her next need was home. Away from this place. She wrapped her Soul-Self around her friends, healing them of any injuries they'd suffered to come find her here, and teleported them all back to Fandom. Darkness had just begun to fall as they appeared on the edge of the Preserve behind the dorms.
Except she wasn't sure this was home anymore. The anger and adrenaline faded as soon as they were all safe, now replaced by guilt and shame. Once again her friends had been harmed because of her. "I am sorry," she said quietly. The words weren't nearly enough to make up for what she'd done to them. Awkward and confused, she had no idea what to do now.
Karla
Karla stepped forward and grasped Raven's shoulders. "Raven," she said sternly, glaring a little bit. "We have talked about putting evil in your netherverse!"
Her voice broke on the last word and she was dragging Raven into a tight hug while tears streamed down her face. There were words, but they were mostly incoherent, so she let her emotions tell Raven just how much she had been missed.
Raven
"I sent them far away where they could not harm anyone," Raven murmured, and then she gave up on words as well and just clung to Karla, letting her own tears come. The lack of an angry response hadn't diminished her guilt, but it did ease her fears.
Karla
"Hell's Fire and Mother Night, Raven," Karla whispered into her hair. "I can hardly believe it's really you. And that I have a reason to be grateful to Sebastian Blood. But I am, oh, I am. But how? What happened?"
Raven
"I was dead," Raven said, still dazed by everything that had happened. Didi had said it wasn't her time, but the sudden change from spirit to captive to free and with her friends again seemed so unreal. She tensed, remembering the ritual. "Sebastian brought me back. It was dark magic."
Karla
"Even goodness can be grown from evil," Karla murmured. "How he accomplished it doesn't matter--just that he did."
She leaned back to look at Raven searchingly. "And Trigon?"
Raven
Raven shook her head. "My father is dead," she said. "Sebastian sought to continue his legacy. Trigon created some sort of contingency plan for the Earth in case of his failure, I think. The High Priest of Trigon would wed his daughter and unleash his army upon the Earth to cleanse it of those without faith, and their child would rule what remained of the world." She couldn't help but shudder at that thought.
Karla
"We stopped him," Karla reminded. "Thank the Darkness, we stopped him. You're back. You're safe. You're here."
And she was back to clinging to Raven again. "I am going to be so pissed off at you," she warned, tears dotting Raven's clothes. "Just as soon as I get over the wonderment that you're alive."
Raven
"I should not be," Raven said. She wasn't letting go of Karla, though, despite the waves of guilt roiling through her. It hurt more than Karla's Sapphire whip had as it tore at her flesh in New York. "You stopped me and my father, and I am so grateful for that. I would have gladly paid the price of my life."
Not entirely gladly; she had missed her friends and grieved in the afterlife until the weeks had melted the memories away.
Karla
"Hush your mouth," Karla said, a little more severely than she'd intended. "You did pay that price. Your blood and your sacrifice went a long way towards making up for what you did."
That's how it worked in this world, right? Karla had seen a movie.
And, if nothing else, her grief and her guilt had obliterated most of her anger and hurt.
"We're just glad you came back to us."
Raven
"I am so sorry," Raven said. She caught the edge of the white cloak, stained red with Warren's blood now due to hugging Karla, that she still wore and dabbed it at her eyes. "I hurt you so much. I do not even know how to begin making up for it."
Karla
"You start by taking everything one day at a time," Karla advised. "By letting people come to terms with what happened and setting their own pace."
She might have had a certain someone in mind as she said, that, yes.
"And by accepting it when people say it's forgiven. We...we did some horrible things ourselves."
Raven
Raven was confused by what Karla meant for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said. "That was not you." That was what she'd made Karla into.
Karla
"You don't know everything," Karla reminded. "In my dream--" she clamped her mouth shut and shook her head. "We still carry the guilt around, the same way you carry the guilt of the things you did when possessed by Trigon. But part of earning forgiveness is letting us work through those memories and emotions are own way."
Raven
Raven flinched; she knew what had happened in the dream since she'd created it. "I do not know how to do that," she said.
Karla
"Then you're going to have to learn, darling," Karla said. "Because if you're truly sorry, you have to let us move towards forgiveness at our own pace and in our own way."
Raven
"I am," Raven said, nodding and then keeping her gaze lowered. "And I will. I will do whatever you need me to do."
There was going to be a lot of hiding in her room in the future to make sure she didn't do the wrong thing.
Karla
"Just be the Raven we know and love," Karla said. "That will be enough to remind us that everything was worth it."
She glanced over to Warren, standing there covered in his own blood, and tried to convince herself that was true.
Was getting Raven back worth losing Warren over? Karla couldn't say for sure. At least, not the way she had done it. And she couldn't even blame any of that on anyone but herself.
She hugged Raven again. "Just be yourself, and the rest will all work out." She had to believe that. She just had to.
Raven
Raven could tell something was bothering Karla, but her memory was still foggy from Sebastian's influence and her senses were too jangled, so she didn't ask for now. Later.
"I will try," she said solemnly. She just wasn't certain what herself was supposed to be any more, or if it was enough. She'd just have to take it one step at a time.
Bobby
"Sorry for what?" Bobby said lightly. "We got to go out, kick a little bad guy butt, and we're back in time for dinner. Now, if you'd made me miss the Galaxy Quest movie marathon that's starting in about an hour, then we might have had a problem..." the joking, of course, was somewhat offset by the fact that he was reaching to pull her into a hug as soon as he got the chance.
Raven
Raven wasn't going to refuse a hug, though she tried to ignore the flashes of the nightmare she'd given him that danced through her head. Leave it to Bobby to joke after what she'd done to him. "I brought you all danger," she said. "Again." At least this time she hadn't been the danger herself.
Bobby
"It was worth it," Bobby said seriously. And then, because he had a feeling it might be something needing reinforcement: "You were worth it."
Raven
"I am not so certain I can believe that right now," Raven murmured. Even after being dead for so long, the memories of what she'd done to them were too fresh. Their memories were too fresh.
"But I will try," she added.
Bobby
"Or else we might have to take you bowling and make you wear terrible shoes," Bobby mock-threatened, because jokes... jokes were easy.
Raven
Raven blinked. "Why would you do that?" she said. Clearly she hadn't been paying any attention to her surroundings or footwear when she'd managed to teleport to Fandom. "Is that a healing ritual I am unaware of?"
Oh, Raven.
Bobby
"Extremely important Earth tradition," Bobby said, doing his best to keep a straight face.
Raven
Stop being mean to the poor confused empath, Bobby.
"Then I will do my best to participate," Raven promised. She wanted to make everyone happy again, after all.
Tahiri
"Don't be sorry," Tahiri answered, locking her emotions down as tightly as she could; there was some small part of her that couldn't help feeling it was a little unfair that they could get Raven back, but not . . .
No, that was enough of that line of thought. True, it wasn't fair, but she'd come to terms with Anakin being gone, and she had to believe that there was a reason for this.
Of course, she could say that; she hadn't been there when they'd lost Raven, and didn't know much of anything about the circumstances then.
"You're here. You're all right. That's hardly a thing to be sorry about."
Raven
"You were not there," Raven said quietly, though she was grateful to see Tahiri again. "You did not see what I did to them while I was...."
Or maybe she did know. She didn't know how much anyone how had been had told any others. Or maybe they'd kept it to themselves. After all, she'd dug into their souls and pulled out their deepest fears, ones they would likely be reluctant to share with anyone else. She glanced over at Anakin; whatever his nightmare had been, it was so terrifying she'd blocked much of the details from her memory, unable to deal with it.
Raven shook her head. "I do not deserve this."
Tahiri
Tahiri shook her head and held up a hand gently to forestall further objections. (She hoped.)
"No, I don't know, that's true. But -- it's not my place to judge that, either. I can't do anything about how anyone else will react, but I can tell you that I, for one, am unreservedly glad to see you again." She cracked a brief smile. "It'd be a shame to ruin that by doubting me, wouldn't it?"
Raven
Jedi were always hard for her to read, and she could sense that Tahiri was shielding herself more than usual. But she had no reason to doubt her words. "You are," she said. "I do not disbelieve that. I just do not understand why."
Why she was back. Why she was allowed to be back. Why the others didn't hate her now after how she'd tormented their minds and souls.
Tahiri
"I would tell you if I knew," Tahiri offered, only half joking. "Anything I could say . . . well, I only understand the way my world works. I'm not so sure I could begin to guess at the whys and becauses behind yours. All I know is you've gotten a chance most beings could only hope to have. Maybe why doesn't matter as much as what you do with it now."
Raven
"I am indeed fortunate," Raven said. "I should not question that. I am free of my father's influence, but there is still a darkness inside me. Even if you" -- not just Tahiri, all of her friends -- "trust me, I am not certain I can trust myself."
Tahiri
"So we'll do that for you, until you feel like you can do it for yourself," Tahiri decided promptly. "I understand completely what you mean -- remember?"
Raven
Raven nodded slightly. "I do," she said quietly. "Perhaps at some point we can talk more? Sometime soon?"
Tahiri
Tahiri reached out to place her hands on Raven's shoulders. (Which involved reaching up, yes.)
"Absolutely," she promised. "Any time you need to, I'm there."
Raven
Raven leaned down to give Tahiri a hug. "Thank you," she said. "I think I will need that. Very much."
Tahiri
"Then I'm happy to do it for you," Tahiri assured her, hugging back with more strength than her tiny frame would suggest she possessed. "After all, you helped me."
Sookie
"You never meant to hurt us," Sookie said quietly, her arms at her sides for the moment. "You never meant to. Apologizing for things beyond your control's just a good way to refuse to forgive yourself, Raven."
Raven
"I am not certain I deserve forgiveness," Raven said. She could see Sookie in her mind, skeletal wings and cackling and terrible, and that had been her fault. "I am not certain I deserve any of this" -- her life, her freedom -- "but I thank you."
Sookie
Sookie pursed her lips, weighing her options. While what had happened to them through Raven wasn't going to be forgotten for a long time, and Sookie would surely have nightmares about Bobby being tortured in front of her, and those wings -- it hadn't really been Raven, and she knew that. "Well. I forgive you, whatever that's worth."
Raven
"Its value is beyond measure to me," Raven said, smiling despite her tears. "And I will do my best to ensure that I have earned it."
Sookie
"C'mere," Sookie said, holding out her arms. "Don't cry. Or at least, don't do it on my account. It's okay, sweetie."
Raven
There was no way she wasn't going to cry, but she did gratefully accept the hug. "I am sorry," she sniffled. "I am so sorry."
Sookie
"I know, honey," Sookie said, reaching up to stroke Raven's hair. "But it's okay now. We're home, you're all right, and no one's permanently broken. It's okay."
Raven
"You are all right?" Raven said, greedily absorbing the comfort Sookie offered. She could feel she was physically well, but she was afraid to try to look deeper for any lasting damage she might have done to her or anyone else.
Sookie
"I'm fine," she replied, and if she was lying, she kept it behind her shields. "Barely a scratch on me. You're not fine, though, sweetheart, and we should probably get you a snack and into bed. You've been through a ton."
Raven
"I have," Raven agreed. She'd only been alive for five days now, after however much time had passed in her world while she'd been dead. Mostly dead. "I think rest would be very good for me."
Sookie
"Let's get you into bed," Sookie said, rubbing Raven's back soothingly. "And I'll bake you something, and this'll all look a lot better after some sleep."
Anakin
Anakin was hanging back a bit away from the crush, just watching Raven. Any emotions (and there were plenty of them) he was feeling were locked carefully behind incredibly high mental shields.
"Hello," he said softly.
Raven
The lack of emotion was almost a relief; her own shields were still down, and the emotions around her, as warming as most of them were, were almost overwhelming.
But after all she'd done, she couldn't look Anakin directly in the eyes. "Hello, Professor Skywalker," she said, staring at the ground. "I am sorry, and I thank you for coming to my aid."
Anakin
"What are you sorry for?" he asked, watching her eyes.
Raven
"I was not strong enough to stop my father," Raven said quietly. "And I hurt you all so much."
She had a clearer memory of the nightmares she had forced on the others, but for some reason, she couldn't quite grasp the details of Anakin's, just a sense of darkness and terror.
Anakin
"I think you've paid enough of a price for both," Anakin replied, taking a step closer.
Raven
Raven shook her head, not believing that for an instant. "What I did was unforgivable," she said. "I do not know how to begin to make up for it."
Anakin
And, Force, did Anakin understand what Raven was feeling. "Start slowly," he offered quietly, "and believe us when we offer forgiveness anyway."
Raven
"I want to believe," Raven said. The words of forgiveness and welcome she'd heard so far had done much to lesson her fears, but it couldn't erase the memory of what she'd done. "But each time I look at any of you, I see what I did. The things I said, how I used my gifts to cause you pain. And the nightmares I used to try to give your souls to my father."
Anakin
The skin around his eyes tightened when she mentioned that. "You remember our nightmares?"
Raven
She pressed one hand against her head as if she could force the memories away. "I created them from your fears," she said. "I do not want to remember them. But I do. Some of them are harder to see, however. I do not remember much of yours."
Anakin
Relief flickered in his eyes. "It's probably better that way," he said. "It was mostly symbolic anyway."
Liar, liar, liar.
Raven
"I want to forget it all," Raven said, finally looking at him. "I cannot bear these memories. I do not know how to live with them now."
Anakin
Anakin gazed back at her for a long moment. "That can be arranged, if you really mean it," he said finally.
Raven
"Is it fair?" Raven said faintly. "Can I be allowed to pretend nothing happened?"
Anakin
"Think about it, make your decision, and tell me on Tuesday," he recommended.
Raven
"Tuesday?" Raven repeated. "I do not even know what day it is now. How long ago did I...?"
Anakin
"It's January 29," Anakin said. "It's been two weeks for us."
Raven
"I think it has been much longer for me," Raven said, frowning. "I could not tell the passage of time before Sebastian resurrected me. I just...was. But I think it was much longer than merely two weeks."
Anakin
"Welcome back, in any case," he said. "I'll give you all the time you need."
Dinah
Dinah hugged her and said, "You are silly. And alive. That's what you are." Seriously, there would be time for Monday morning quarterbacking later. Now was a time to just be damn relieved.
Raven
"Alive," Raven whispered, hugging Dinah back. "But I have Sebastian to thank for that. He brought me back."
Dinah
"So thank him and dump him and tell him it's not going to work out in this lifetime. For serious." Dinah was not up for anything like gratitude to the little albino toad. "I think him getting to live through this without being permanently maimed is thanks enough."
Raven
"I have no intention of visiting whatever dimension my Soul-Self took him to," Raven said, shaking her head. "I do not wish to ever see him again. But the way he brought me back has me very unsettled." Blood, so much blood.
Dinah
"Good. Hopefully he and the outer darkness will be very happy together, wherever that is." Dinah brushed Raven's hair out of her face, just immeasurably glad to see her friend alive and sane and herself. "You're not going on a guilt trip for that, are you? 'Cause I'll sit on you and not let you leave. Metaphorically."
Raven
"For that? No," Raven said. She didn't feel guilty about taking Sebastian away; it had been to save her friends and he had brought it upon himself. "There is plenty enough I have to feel guilty for already," she added softly.
Dinah
"Hey. Not you. 95% of everything wasn't you." Dinah squeezed Raven's hand. "And I am so glad you're here, that even if it had been more you, I wouldn't care." She sighed. "I'm just glad you can even look at all of us after what your dad and Azar made us do to you."
Raven
"It was me," Raven said. "My soul was separated from my body, but it was still me. I remember everything." She shuddered, more at the memory of what she'd done than what had been done to her. "I know how I hurt you...and the nightmare...."
Dinah
Oh, God. That was one nightmare, with Raven's vampire issues, that Dinah heartily wished she hadn't had to see.
"Hey. I had that nightmare long before your dad dug it out of my brain," Dinah said gently. "A year and a half isn't long enough to forget. I'm sorry you had to see that, though."
Raven
Compared to some of the others -- Azar, Jono! -- Dinah's dream was relatively easier to bear, vampires or not. "You do not need to be sorry," she said. "It is not your fault. I just wish I had been strong enough to fight my father and spared you all that."
Dinah
Dinah gave her an incredulous look that gentled into something more rueful after a minute. "He's a zillion years old, and a zillion feet high, and I wish you could have too. But that's kind of like me wishing I was world karate champion and had a modeling contract and was Queen of Canada at the same time." She shook her head. "Besides. Horrible as it was, and horrible as being Azar's puppet was--" And weirdly, she resented that more-- "--it defeated your dad. Did you, were you..." Dinah frowned. "Were you okay with that? With all of Azarath zooming through you to take him down?"
Raven
"Azarath," Raven whispered. She hadn't let herself think of that yet, but there it was. Her home, everyone she'd grown up with, was gone. She hadn't done it personally, only witnessed the initial attack, but she hadn't done anything to prevent it.
"They gave their lives to destroy Trigon," she said. "Azar knew I would not be able to stand against my father. But she was able to turn what I did to you all against me to stop me, and use my body to channel her power. It destroyed my father. I am very okay with that."
Dinah
Dinah had thought of that, during the funeral. That there would be no memorial for them. She squeezed Raven's hand at her friend's whisper, and ached for her. She might have been exiled, but at least she'd known the place was still there.
"Your mom..." Was the only person to walk out of there. It was something to remind her of, that someone else loved her and missed her from there. "Is in Gotham. Missing you like crazy. And she's free now. And so are you."
Raven
"Does she know I am alive?" Raven asked. Surely there hadn't been enough time to tell her since they'd returned to Fandom just minutes before, but she didn't know if anyone had called her before they'd gone to the church.
Dinah
"MMmm, we were a little rushed?" Dinah admitted. Also, not wanting to get the woman's hopes up either. "So no. I've got a number for her, if you want to contact her now." Or take a nap, get it together, and figure out how to break news like that without giving her mom a heart attack.
Raven
"I would like to talk to her," Raven said with a slow nod. "Not now." Not when her emotions were still too raw and all she wanted to do was crawl into a dark corner and cry and beg for forgiveness. "But soon."
Dinah
"Okay." Dinah hugged her again, stroked her hair, and sent through a hand on her shoulder: You don't have to do anything but rest now, you know? You've been through enough trauma for ten people, the last month. Then, very softly, "The person who was Didi told me you'd be back. In a dream. I was never ever so glad to hear something in my life. And everyone here feels the same way."
Raven
"Didi," Raven repeated softly. "I saw her, too. She came to me after...after everything happened. She said it was not my time yet -- she knew I would be pulled back, but she could not say when."
She glanced over to where Jono was; she hadn't talked to him yet, much as she wanted and feared to do. "I do not know if I should tell Jono that, though."
Dinah
"Yeah." Dinah's voice was quiet. "She's not... who she was. She still cares. But it's not in the same way." She tilted her head. "When things aren't so raw, maybe. He might like to know then."
Raven
"Not now," Raven agreed, still watching Jono. He felt so far away, and it wasn't just the physical distance. "I will try to find the right time." If there ever would be one.
Dinah
"Not yet." Dinah sighed. "But yes." She squeezed her hand and then said, "Welcome back."
Warren
Someday, Warren was going to get sucked into a rescue mission and he was going to come back with clothing that wasn't stained red with his own blood.
This was not that day.
But he was awake, now, if still a little dazed, lifting a hand to pat at his throat, at his bare, crimson-streaked chest, to be certain that everything was in its place while he pulled in deep, desperate breaths of crisp, fresh air.
He would get around to pulling himself together and climbing to his feet again sooner or later. Right now, he was a little lost in that whole 'I'm not dead' thing.
Somebody owed him massive apologies for that one.
Raven
He might have had Karla in mind for that, but Raven knew she owed him as well. She didn't get too close to him, but near enough to offer an apology. "I am very sorry, Warren," she said. "I know that is just words, but I truly am, and I thank you for all you did to aid me."
And, since Warren had had to deal with just a touch more than dealing with her father, going through nightmares of her own creation, and rescuing her from Sebastian, she added, "And I am sorry that my power controlled your mind. I was attempting to reach Karla, but since Sebastian had bitten off my chakra, I could not control my powers, nor was I strong enough to breach her shielding. But you were with her, and that fragment of my Soul-Self turned to you in desperation."
Warren
The smile that Warren turned up toward Raven was just something shy of twitchy. The nightmares, the being possessed by Azar and attacking Raven and all of the injuries that he'd sustained both times they'd gone after her and learning that his blood could heal more than just himself... That all seemed something like details, floating somewhere along the surface, at the moment.
If she was going to be talking about this 'Raven belongs to Brother Blood' stuff, then he was quite happy to focus on it. It saved him from thinking too hard about how close he'd probably come to actually dying, back there.
"Desperate times, desperate measures, right?" He nodded a little. "Seeing the state that he had you in, I really don't blame you for doing what you needed to do to get somebody's attention."
He wasn't thrilled about it, no. He was half wondering if he was going to have to start running around wearing a tinfoil hat. But understanding something wasn't necessarily the same as liking it. He could be very pragmatic that way, when he wanted to be.
Raven
"It is not something I would ever wish to do again," Raven assured him. "At least, I hope I never have reason to."
She paused awkwardly then, because what did one say to someone they'd shared their best friend's Virgin Night with and then followed it up with attempted evisceration at the hands of demons, nightmares designed to turn him evil, and then temporarily hijacking his body? There were not Hallmark cards for this.
"If there is anything I can do to show my gratitude or to make it up to you, please tell me?" she finally said.
Warren
Warren managed a smile that, while still somewhat dazed, was at least civil. Which, in the face of all of that, was something, right?
"Nothing really leaps to mind," he replied, shrugging a bit. "All I really want right now are some clean clothes and a shower and to sleep for about a month. But..."
He glanced toward Karla.
"If you want to show your gratitude, show it to her. She's needed a friend around through all of this way more than I did."
Raven
Raven followed his gaze to Karla. "You do not even need to ask that," she said. "You know how dear she is to my heart, and I owe her so much for all she has done for me. I owe you all."
Warren
Warren nodded a little bit, looking toward Karla thoughtfully.
"Well, then we'll call it even. And try not to let it happen again."
Because if this happened again, it didn't matter how much he cared for Karla. Warren was going to be cranky.
Karla
And that someone was walking towards him now, trying to figure out just what she could possibly say to apologize. She was keeping her expression blank in an effort not to cry, but didn't have such fine control over her body language--bowed head, hunched shoulders, arms wrapped tightly around her waist.
She stopped, just out of arm's reach. "Warren, I--" Unfortunately, no grand speech of apology had materialized in her brain during the short walk over. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think they would be so--" So what? So brutal? They were demons; she'd seen what they were capable of on Azarath. The truth was, she hadn't let herself think, because she hadn't been sure she could go through with it if she had. "I'm sorry," she said again. "So sorry."
More tears threatened but she held them back. She didn't want Warren to be swayed by the sight of her crying. If he even could be, any more.
Warren
Of course he could be. He was a boy.
"You weren't the one with the big, nasty claws," he pointed out, tiredly. Tired really seemed like the thing to be right now. Because if he let himself wake up to actually think about this too much, he was probably going to just completely break down.
He was setting a new rule for himself. A maximum amount of times being horribly mutilated per month. And since the count that they had reached was now at two, that meant that they were over the limit. By two.
Maybe if he was aware that this was more of a sacrificial lamb thing in order to get Raven's chakra back, instead of a really unfortunate case of him not flying quickly enough, he'd probably have more to say. But, at this point...
Karla
But Karla wasn't sure if he were still her boy. Not after what had happened to him, back there. Not when it had all been her fault.
"I wasn't," she agreed. "But I was the reason Sebastian made them attack you. He tried to use what I feared most against me." And then she had used that to get close enough to him to get Raven's chakra back, thus directly causing her fear to come true in the most gruesome fashion possible. "I didn't save you. I didn't even protect you. I made it happen."
Warren
"Oh..."
There went the air, running out of Warren with a sigh as he slumped forward a little. "Well... how did he know?"
He hadn't really been expecting some kind of heroic rescue, if that was what she was beating herself up over. But the details were kind of hazy, yet.
Karla
Karla stepped forward, wanting to go to him, then stopped, unsure if such a gesture would be appreciated.
"He caught a glimpse of what happened to you in Azarath, before I yanked my shields back up," she said. "He figured out what you meant to me by how much fear I felt at the idea of something like that happening to you again."
And then she'd let it happen to him anyway, trusting to his Healing factor to make it right. How could she talk about loving him, after putting him through something like that? It was like sometimes everything that made her Karla got shunted aside and someone else came forward, coldly analyzing her options and choosing the expedient path, and letting everything else be damned. She used people to attain her goals.
Ender's voice rang in her head again, that talk at 'Dite's. He had seen that other-her before anyone and had obliquely warned her about it. Now she was facing the consequences in truth. Just make sure there's something worth saving when the dust clears.
"But then he had you and I--well, I saw my chance. And I took it."
Warren
There was something behind all of that... something under all of that that left Warren's blood running cold. If he stopped to think about it too much, he could pick out the undertones. The little hints of...
Maybe she hadn't really been begging. It was convenient, that he could heal, and if Brother Blood didn't know that Warren could handle more damage than most...
He was biting the inside of his cheek fairly hard by the time he got around to even thinking that he was going to need to make words again.
"It saved Raven," he said, finally. Because... That seemed like it was... something.
Karla
It did," Karla agreed evenly. "And stopped him from unleashing those demons on the rest of the world."
Everything had a price. But she hadn't really been the one to to pay it, had she? She hadn't even asked Warren if he would be willing to do so, just put her plan into motion as soon as she had the chance.
She'd treated him like a pawn, instead of a person. She was like Graff, like Mazer, like all those people who had broken Ender down so they could build him back up into the weapon that they'd needed.
But what could she say? That she would have begged for him, if that would have saved him? That she'd just acted quicker than Brother Blood, who probably would have ordered Warren killed anyway, just to see his face? That Warren should be grateful, because she'd used him like she would have a Warlord Prince in Kaeleer, instead of someone to be protected and sheltered?
That she would beg for his forgiveness here and now, with the utmost sincerity, if she thought it would help?
"Forgive me." It was the only thing she could say, right now. "Please. If you can."
Warren
"Yeah," Warren sighed, still a little tired, now a bit more numb than before. "You did what you had to do."
And he wasn't entirely certain how the hell he was still alive right now. But that wasn't what they were talking about, was it? That part was... terrifying. Laying there on the ground until the blackness dragged him down.
But hey. No more Raven-shaped doorway to hell. Which was a good thing.
"She... probably needs some company tonight," he said, trying to muster up a smile that fell a little short. "Maybe... keep an eye on her, and we can talk in the morning?"
When he felt somewhat less like he'd just been run through a meat grinder. When he was decidedly less sticky with his own blood. That would probably help the flow of the conversation, like, a lot.
Karla
"I did," Karla agreed. "But...it might not have been the right thing."
That was all she could say, before the lump in her throat threatened to overtake her completely. She nodded at him and turned away, arms coming up to cup her elbows.
"Tomorrow." She had to swallow a few more times, before her voice could come out evenly. But it was easier to talk this way, not looking at his clothing, his blood, the expression on his face when he realized the kind of person she was. "Whenever you want. Whenever you're ready."
And then she was walking away, brushing at tears that fell no matter how much she tried to control them.
Jono
Jonothon was... standing back a fair bit.
He was thankful that she was here, and alive and well. He was. There were waves of thankfulness and relief practically radiating off of him.
Right along with the awkwardness. The guilt. He wasn't going to be able to shake that one so easily. He felt... tired. Like maybe now that she was back and everything was okay again, he could go find a corner to curl up in and just not move for a while.
//Glad yer... alright, gel.//
He had no idea what to say.
Raven
Raven drew away from the others to approach him, slowly, hesitantly. She was terrified he hated her now because of what she'd done to him, even though she knew that if he did he wouldn't have come with the rest to save her. The relief warmed her, but the guilt confused her. He hadn't done anything; it had all been her fault. And her father's.
"Jono," she said, biting at her lip. "I have missed you so much. And I am sorry that I hurt you."
Jono
Jono watched her for a moment, quietly, turning his eyes down toward the ground as he lifted his hands and started to busy himself with re-wrapping the leather over his flames. It was... important. It was.
He couldn't tell her that it was okay. It wasn't. She'd lied to them. And he wasn't okay. Though maybe that wasn't so much her fault, as it was just him coming to terms with life.
//Well, it's over now, innit?//
Raven
She'd been reaching a hand out to touch him, but dropped it, her heart sinking. "Is it?" she said, not sure how to interpret his words. "I do not blame you for hating me now."
Jono
Jonothon flinched at that, his hand closed around one strip of leather, his eyes still very carefully on the ground at his feet. It was amazing, the power that words had to twist a person's heart in his chest. It extended far past the physical, until he could swear that he could feel it deep within himself even without a heart to twist.
//I don't hate you. You of all people should be able to tell as much.//
Raven
"I hurt you so much," Raven said brokenly, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. "I never wished to do that."
She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a chill beyond the late January cold in the air. "You may not hate me," she said, "but I would understand if you did. I hate myself for being so weak. For being unable to stop my father. For hurting those I love."
All the cruel things she'd said to him and how she'd forced feelings upon him she didn't deserve. And bringing his fears to life. Her stomach twisted and she sank down to her knees, fighting the urge to be violently sick.
Jono
//You didn't tell us,// he said. And it didn't matter how softly he tried to say it, it still managed to feel to Jono like an accusation. //We asked. We spent weeks asking. Stress. Nothing's th'matter. Yer fine. Over and over again.//
He couldn't look at her. If he looked at her, saw her there on the ground, he'd give in entirely.
//Being strong isn't th'same as refusing to ask for help when you need it most.//
Raven
Raven flinched, arms tighter around herself. She couldn't bear to look at him either and see the accusation in his eyes. There were a dozen excuses, all of them wrong. "I did not think there was anything anyone could do," she said. "I wanted to protect you from my father and myself. I was...I was wrong."
It pained her pride to admit that, but the worse pain was the knowledge of what she'd done to him. "I am sorry," she whispered again. "I know that is not enough, but...I am sorry. For everything."
Jono
//Everything... is a lot t'be sorry for,// Jonothon replied, closing his eyes.
He wanted to reach to her. And he couldn't bring himself to do it.
//I'm sorry, too.//
That what he could do hadn't been enough. That he couldn't bring himself to get close to anybody right now, let alone her. That she had an unfortunate tendency to end up in the arms of monsters.
For everything.
Raven
She pushed herself back up to her feet and took another step toward him. He didn't hate her, but the distance she sensed was almost as bad. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she said. Nothing had been his fault, nothing.
She stretched out a hand toward his arm. She wanted to touch him. She needed to.
Jono
With his eyes closed, he hadn't seen her hand headed for his arm. But the moment he felt it there, he tensed, jerked away, his eyes open wide and lost behind their unnatural glow, the fire that twisted around him practically throwing itself in the other direction.
Don't touch me don't touch me...
He didn't say anything at all. He couldn't think enough to manage words. There was panic.
Raven
Raven stumbled backward, her hand flying to her mouth, her eyes wide. She hadn't expected a reaction that violent to her touch, and his rejection shattered her heart. "I am sorry," she said. "I did not mean to -- I only wanted to...."
Wanted to touch him and fall into his arms and tell him she loved him. She could do just one of those, at least. "I love you," she whispered. "But if you wish me to stay away, I will."
Jono
//No...// He took a step backward as well, pulling his jacket tight across his front and trying to bury himself in it. Wrapping up the bandages again was not going to happen any time particularly soon, at this rate. //I just... can't...//
He'd killed her. She'd been dead, dying, and he'd sealed the deal with a kiss. Everybody he got close to left. Everybody who got close to him wound up hurt.
And he had no idea how to say that.
//I'm sorry.//
Raven
She didn't have any shields now, and his feelings washed over her. His pain and guilt mirrored her own, but she didn't think he deserved that guilt. Not like she did.
"Jono," she said. She stood her ground now, not retreating further, no matter how tempting that was. "That was not you. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Jono
//It was,// he replied, shaking his head, lifting one hand to gesture with. //From here, to here. That was me.//
From just under his nose to about halfway down his abs. His mind might not have been his own, but the fire was a constant. Fire was fire.
Raven
"It may have physically been your body, but it was not your soul guiding it," Raven said, "any more than it was Karla's or Bobby's or Sookie's or Professor Skywalker's."
And still she couldn't believe that of herself.
"I did that to you," she said, hating herself for the memory of how she'd unleashed his fears. "I made you into that. It was my fault, not yours. Please, Jono, do not blame yourself. You are innocent in that act."
Jono
//...Innocent.//
He didn't really buy that one. Maybe she'd brought out his fears in that nightmare that he'd had. But he was the one who had chosen to act on those fears, inside of that nightmare.
//I'm not innocent, Raven. This fire has killed - I've killed - over and over since coming to this place. Demons. Jhinka. Th'Krimzon Guard in Jak's home. Those twisted... things in Silent Hill. You. I hurt people. This hurts people. I don't want to be a weapon anymore.//
Raven
"Then do not be," Raven said, aching to hold him, not just out of her own need for comfort but out of the desire to ease his pain. "And I will do all in my power to make certain you never have to again." She wasn't sure she could keep that promise, but she would do everything she could.
"The fire is part of you." She'd learned the hard way when she'd tried to heal him. "But it is not what you are. It is not what makes you Jono. If you did not care about those you have been forced to use your powers against, then you would not be the person I love."
Jono
Jonothon listened quietly to her words, still trying to burrow his way into his jacket as far as he could go, flame slipping out here and there, through the various gashes and tears in the leather from the attacks by the cultists. He shook his head a little bit.
//It isn't what I am,// he echoed, though he didn't sound terribly convinced. //But it is something that I fight with. It's stronger than I am. I can't... can't bring myself to risk...//
In the back of his mind, he was well aware that there were a million far more suitable things that he could be doing right now. She was back from the dead. He shouldn't be keeping his distance, cowering behind leather rags. And she was trying. And he was hurting her.
//Don't touch me,// he murmured, looking down at the ground. //I just... can't right now. Not from anybody.//
Raven
Raven looked away, wiping the back of her hand across her eyes. This was all her fault. She'd done this to him, made him doubt himself so much. And now she didn't know if she could fix it, or if her attempts would only make it worse.
Right now a part of her almost wished she was still dead because then she wouldn't feel the breaking of her heart. She couldn't breathe, but somehow she managed words despite the lump in her throat. "I am sorry," she said for countless time. She was going to be saying that a lot. "I will...I will leave you alone."
Jono
Jonothon couldn't win. He didn't want to be left alone, either. But being touched terrified him, people being close made him want to run the other way. And after everything that had happened over the past few weeks, he had no idea where to start with pretty much anything, anymore.
Well, he couldn't deny that he was lousy company.
He couldn't find the words to reply to her with. He just wrapped his arms around himself a little more tightly, nodded a little, and turned to make his way back toward the dorms.
He was tired.
Raven
Raven could hear him move away, but she couldn't turn to look at him leaving her. Though her other friends were still close by, she felt lost and alone, and struggled with the instinctive urge to run away. They were forgiving her, but she didn't deserve it. She'd caused them so much harm in body and mind, and Jono's rejection made the guilt come crashing down even harder.
"I cannot...I...I should go," she stammered. Before she hurt them all again.
Karla
"Oh, the Hell you will," Karla snapped, reaching out to grasp Raven's arm before Raven could even think about teleporting off somewhere. "We just found out you really were alive, rescued you from Sebastian, and brought you back to the island. If you think you're going anywhere, you're out of your damn mind."
Raven
"It hurts, Karla," Raven whimpered, too lost in her sorrow to think straight right now. "It hurts so much."
[OOC: Preplayed with the wonderful blondecanary, furnaceface, glacial_witch, justwantsquiet, longislandiceme, not_a_parakeet, sith_happened, and weetuskenraider. This is for broadcast, but NFI, and OOC is always happy!]
That taken care of, her next need was home. Away from this place. She wrapped her Soul-Self around her friends, healing them of any injuries they'd suffered to come find her here, and teleported them all back to Fandom. Darkness had just begun to fall as they appeared on the edge of the Preserve behind the dorms.
Except she wasn't sure this was home anymore. The anger and adrenaline faded as soon as they were all safe, now replaced by guilt and shame. Once again her friends had been harmed because of her. "I am sorry," she said quietly. The words weren't nearly enough to make up for what she'd done to them. Awkward and confused, she had no idea what to do now.
Karla
Karla stepped forward and grasped Raven's shoulders. "Raven," she said sternly, glaring a little bit. "We have talked about putting evil in your netherverse!"
Her voice broke on the last word and she was dragging Raven into a tight hug while tears streamed down her face. There were words, but they were mostly incoherent, so she let her emotions tell Raven just how much she had been missed.
Raven
"I sent them far away where they could not harm anyone," Raven murmured, and then she gave up on words as well and just clung to Karla, letting her own tears come. The lack of an angry response hadn't diminished her guilt, but it did ease her fears.
Karla
"Hell's Fire and Mother Night, Raven," Karla whispered into her hair. "I can hardly believe it's really you. And that I have a reason to be grateful to Sebastian Blood. But I am, oh, I am. But how? What happened?"
Raven
"I was dead," Raven said, still dazed by everything that had happened. Didi had said it wasn't her time, but the sudden change from spirit to captive to free and with her friends again seemed so unreal. She tensed, remembering the ritual. "Sebastian brought me back. It was dark magic."
Karla
"Even goodness can be grown from evil," Karla murmured. "How he accomplished it doesn't matter--just that he did."
She leaned back to look at Raven searchingly. "And Trigon?"
Raven
Raven shook her head. "My father is dead," she said. "Sebastian sought to continue his legacy. Trigon created some sort of contingency plan for the Earth in case of his failure, I think. The High Priest of Trigon would wed his daughter and unleash his army upon the Earth to cleanse it of those without faith, and their child would rule what remained of the world." She couldn't help but shudder at that thought.
Karla
"We stopped him," Karla reminded. "Thank the Darkness, we stopped him. You're back. You're safe. You're here."
And she was back to clinging to Raven again. "I am going to be so pissed off at you," she warned, tears dotting Raven's clothes. "Just as soon as I get over the wonderment that you're alive."
Raven
"I should not be," Raven said. She wasn't letting go of Karla, though, despite the waves of guilt roiling through her. It hurt more than Karla's Sapphire whip had as it tore at her flesh in New York. "You stopped me and my father, and I am so grateful for that. I would have gladly paid the price of my life."
Not entirely gladly; she had missed her friends and grieved in the afterlife until the weeks had melted the memories away.
Karla
"Hush your mouth," Karla said, a little more severely than she'd intended. "You did pay that price. Your blood and your sacrifice went a long way towards making up for what you did."
That's how it worked in this world, right? Karla had seen a movie.
And, if nothing else, her grief and her guilt had obliterated most of her anger and hurt.
"We're just glad you came back to us."
Raven
"I am so sorry," Raven said. She caught the edge of the white cloak, stained red with Warren's blood now due to hugging Karla, that she still wore and dabbed it at her eyes. "I hurt you so much. I do not even know how to begin making up for it."
Karla
"You start by taking everything one day at a time," Karla advised. "By letting people come to terms with what happened and setting their own pace."
She might have had a certain someone in mind as she said, that, yes.
"And by accepting it when people say it's forgiven. We...we did some horrible things ourselves."
Raven
Raven was confused by what Karla meant for a moment, then shook her head. "No," she said. "That was not you." That was what she'd made Karla into.
Karla
"You don't know everything," Karla reminded. "In my dream--" she clamped her mouth shut and shook her head. "We still carry the guilt around, the same way you carry the guilt of the things you did when possessed by Trigon. But part of earning forgiveness is letting us work through those memories and emotions are own way."
Raven
Raven flinched; she knew what had happened in the dream since she'd created it. "I do not know how to do that," she said.
Karla
"Then you're going to have to learn, darling," Karla said. "Because if you're truly sorry, you have to let us move towards forgiveness at our own pace and in our own way."
Raven
"I am," Raven said, nodding and then keeping her gaze lowered. "And I will. I will do whatever you need me to do."
There was going to be a lot of hiding in her room in the future to make sure she didn't do the wrong thing.
Karla
"Just be the Raven we know and love," Karla said. "That will be enough to remind us that everything was worth it."
She glanced over to Warren, standing there covered in his own blood, and tried to convince herself that was true.
Was getting Raven back worth losing Warren over? Karla couldn't say for sure. At least, not the way she had done it. And she couldn't even blame any of that on anyone but herself.
She hugged Raven again. "Just be yourself, and the rest will all work out." She had to believe that. She just had to.
Raven
Raven could tell something was bothering Karla, but her memory was still foggy from Sebastian's influence and her senses were too jangled, so she didn't ask for now. Later.
"I will try," she said solemnly. She just wasn't certain what herself was supposed to be any more, or if it was enough. She'd just have to take it one step at a time.
Bobby
"Sorry for what?" Bobby said lightly. "We got to go out, kick a little bad guy butt, and we're back in time for dinner. Now, if you'd made me miss the Galaxy Quest movie marathon that's starting in about an hour, then we might have had a problem..." the joking, of course, was somewhat offset by the fact that he was reaching to pull her into a hug as soon as he got the chance.
Raven
Raven wasn't going to refuse a hug, though she tried to ignore the flashes of the nightmare she'd given him that danced through her head. Leave it to Bobby to joke after what she'd done to him. "I brought you all danger," she said. "Again." At least this time she hadn't been the danger herself.
Bobby
"It was worth it," Bobby said seriously. And then, because he had a feeling it might be something needing reinforcement: "You were worth it."
Raven
"I am not so certain I can believe that right now," Raven murmured. Even after being dead for so long, the memories of what she'd done to them were too fresh. Their memories were too fresh.
"But I will try," she added.
Bobby
"Or else we might have to take you bowling and make you wear terrible shoes," Bobby mock-threatened, because jokes... jokes were easy.
Raven
Raven blinked. "Why would you do that?" she said. Clearly she hadn't been paying any attention to her surroundings or footwear when she'd managed to teleport to Fandom. "Is that a healing ritual I am unaware of?"
Oh, Raven.
Bobby
"Extremely important Earth tradition," Bobby said, doing his best to keep a straight face.
Raven
Stop being mean to the poor confused empath, Bobby.
"Then I will do my best to participate," Raven promised. She wanted to make everyone happy again, after all.
Tahiri
"Don't be sorry," Tahiri answered, locking her emotions down as tightly as she could; there was some small part of her that couldn't help feeling it was a little unfair that they could get Raven back, but not . . .
No, that was enough of that line of thought. True, it wasn't fair, but she'd come to terms with Anakin being gone, and she had to believe that there was a reason for this.
Of course, she could say that; she hadn't been there when they'd lost Raven, and didn't know much of anything about the circumstances then.
"You're here. You're all right. That's hardly a thing to be sorry about."
Raven
"You were not there," Raven said quietly, though she was grateful to see Tahiri again. "You did not see what I did to them while I was...."
Or maybe she did know. She didn't know how much anyone how had been had told any others. Or maybe they'd kept it to themselves. After all, she'd dug into their souls and pulled out their deepest fears, ones they would likely be reluctant to share with anyone else. She glanced over at Anakin; whatever his nightmare had been, it was so terrifying she'd blocked much of the details from her memory, unable to deal with it.
Raven shook her head. "I do not deserve this."
Tahiri
Tahiri shook her head and held up a hand gently to forestall further objections. (She hoped.)
"No, I don't know, that's true. But -- it's not my place to judge that, either. I can't do anything about how anyone else will react, but I can tell you that I, for one, am unreservedly glad to see you again." She cracked a brief smile. "It'd be a shame to ruin that by doubting me, wouldn't it?"
Raven
Jedi were always hard for her to read, and she could sense that Tahiri was shielding herself more than usual. But she had no reason to doubt her words. "You are," she said. "I do not disbelieve that. I just do not understand why."
Why she was back. Why she was allowed to be back. Why the others didn't hate her now after how she'd tormented their minds and souls.
Tahiri
"I would tell you if I knew," Tahiri offered, only half joking. "Anything I could say . . . well, I only understand the way my world works. I'm not so sure I could begin to guess at the whys and becauses behind yours. All I know is you've gotten a chance most beings could only hope to have. Maybe why doesn't matter as much as what you do with it now."
Raven
"I am indeed fortunate," Raven said. "I should not question that. I am free of my father's influence, but there is still a darkness inside me. Even if you" -- not just Tahiri, all of her friends -- "trust me, I am not certain I can trust myself."
Tahiri
"So we'll do that for you, until you feel like you can do it for yourself," Tahiri decided promptly. "I understand completely what you mean -- remember?"
Raven
Raven nodded slightly. "I do," she said quietly. "Perhaps at some point we can talk more? Sometime soon?"
Tahiri
Tahiri reached out to place her hands on Raven's shoulders. (Which involved reaching up, yes.)
"Absolutely," she promised. "Any time you need to, I'm there."
Raven
Raven leaned down to give Tahiri a hug. "Thank you," she said. "I think I will need that. Very much."
Tahiri
"Then I'm happy to do it for you," Tahiri assured her, hugging back with more strength than her tiny frame would suggest she possessed. "After all, you helped me."
Sookie
"You never meant to hurt us," Sookie said quietly, her arms at her sides for the moment. "You never meant to. Apologizing for things beyond your control's just a good way to refuse to forgive yourself, Raven."
Raven
"I am not certain I deserve forgiveness," Raven said. She could see Sookie in her mind, skeletal wings and cackling and terrible, and that had been her fault. "I am not certain I deserve any of this" -- her life, her freedom -- "but I thank you."
Sookie
Sookie pursed her lips, weighing her options. While what had happened to them through Raven wasn't going to be forgotten for a long time, and Sookie would surely have nightmares about Bobby being tortured in front of her, and those wings -- it hadn't really been Raven, and she knew that. "Well. I forgive you, whatever that's worth."
Raven
"Its value is beyond measure to me," Raven said, smiling despite her tears. "And I will do my best to ensure that I have earned it."
Sookie
"C'mere," Sookie said, holding out her arms. "Don't cry. Or at least, don't do it on my account. It's okay, sweetie."
Raven
There was no way she wasn't going to cry, but she did gratefully accept the hug. "I am sorry," she sniffled. "I am so sorry."
Sookie
"I know, honey," Sookie said, reaching up to stroke Raven's hair. "But it's okay now. We're home, you're all right, and no one's permanently broken. It's okay."
Raven
"You are all right?" Raven said, greedily absorbing the comfort Sookie offered. She could feel she was physically well, but she was afraid to try to look deeper for any lasting damage she might have done to her or anyone else.
Sookie
"I'm fine," she replied, and if she was lying, she kept it behind her shields. "Barely a scratch on me. You're not fine, though, sweetheart, and we should probably get you a snack and into bed. You've been through a ton."
Raven
"I have," Raven agreed. She'd only been alive for five days now, after however much time had passed in her world while she'd been dead. Mostly dead. "I think rest would be very good for me."
Sookie
"Let's get you into bed," Sookie said, rubbing Raven's back soothingly. "And I'll bake you something, and this'll all look a lot better after some sleep."
Anakin
Anakin was hanging back a bit away from the crush, just watching Raven. Any emotions (and there were plenty of them) he was feeling were locked carefully behind incredibly high mental shields.
"Hello," he said softly.
Raven
The lack of emotion was almost a relief; her own shields were still down, and the emotions around her, as warming as most of them were, were almost overwhelming.
But after all she'd done, she couldn't look Anakin directly in the eyes. "Hello, Professor Skywalker," she said, staring at the ground. "I am sorry, and I thank you for coming to my aid."
Anakin
"What are you sorry for?" he asked, watching her eyes.
Raven
"I was not strong enough to stop my father," Raven said quietly. "And I hurt you all so much."
She had a clearer memory of the nightmares she had forced on the others, but for some reason, she couldn't quite grasp the details of Anakin's, just a sense of darkness and terror.
Anakin
"I think you've paid enough of a price for both," Anakin replied, taking a step closer.
Raven
Raven shook her head, not believing that for an instant. "What I did was unforgivable," she said. "I do not know how to begin to make up for it."
Anakin
And, Force, did Anakin understand what Raven was feeling. "Start slowly," he offered quietly, "and believe us when we offer forgiveness anyway."
Raven
"I want to believe," Raven said. The words of forgiveness and welcome she'd heard so far had done much to lesson her fears, but it couldn't erase the memory of what she'd done. "But each time I look at any of you, I see what I did. The things I said, how I used my gifts to cause you pain. And the nightmares I used to try to give your souls to my father."
Anakin
The skin around his eyes tightened when she mentioned that. "You remember our nightmares?"
Raven
She pressed one hand against her head as if she could force the memories away. "I created them from your fears," she said. "I do not want to remember them. But I do. Some of them are harder to see, however. I do not remember much of yours."
Anakin
Relief flickered in his eyes. "It's probably better that way," he said. "It was mostly symbolic anyway."
Liar, liar, liar.
Raven
"I want to forget it all," Raven said, finally looking at him. "I cannot bear these memories. I do not know how to live with them now."
Anakin
Anakin gazed back at her for a long moment. "That can be arranged, if you really mean it," he said finally.
Raven
"Is it fair?" Raven said faintly. "Can I be allowed to pretend nothing happened?"
Anakin
"Think about it, make your decision, and tell me on Tuesday," he recommended.
Raven
"Tuesday?" Raven repeated. "I do not even know what day it is now. How long ago did I...?"
Anakin
"It's January 29," Anakin said. "It's been two weeks for us."
Raven
"I think it has been much longer for me," Raven said, frowning. "I could not tell the passage of time before Sebastian resurrected me. I just...was. But I think it was much longer than merely two weeks."
Anakin
"Welcome back, in any case," he said. "I'll give you all the time you need."
Dinah
Dinah hugged her and said, "You are silly. And alive. That's what you are." Seriously, there would be time for Monday morning quarterbacking later. Now was a time to just be damn relieved.
Raven
"Alive," Raven whispered, hugging Dinah back. "But I have Sebastian to thank for that. He brought me back."
Dinah
"So thank him and dump him and tell him it's not going to work out in this lifetime. For serious." Dinah was not up for anything like gratitude to the little albino toad. "I think him getting to live through this without being permanently maimed is thanks enough."
Raven
"I have no intention of visiting whatever dimension my Soul-Self took him to," Raven said, shaking her head. "I do not wish to ever see him again. But the way he brought me back has me very unsettled." Blood, so much blood.
Dinah
"Good. Hopefully he and the outer darkness will be very happy together, wherever that is." Dinah brushed Raven's hair out of her face, just immeasurably glad to see her friend alive and sane and herself. "You're not going on a guilt trip for that, are you? 'Cause I'll sit on you and not let you leave. Metaphorically."
Raven
"For that? No," Raven said. She didn't feel guilty about taking Sebastian away; it had been to save her friends and he had brought it upon himself. "There is plenty enough I have to feel guilty for already," she added softly.
Dinah
"Hey. Not you. 95% of everything wasn't you." Dinah squeezed Raven's hand. "And I am so glad you're here, that even if it had been more you, I wouldn't care." She sighed. "I'm just glad you can even look at all of us after what your dad and Azar made us do to you."
Raven
"It was me," Raven said. "My soul was separated from my body, but it was still me. I remember everything." She shuddered, more at the memory of what she'd done than what had been done to her. "I know how I hurt you...and the nightmare...."
Dinah
Oh, God. That was one nightmare, with Raven's vampire issues, that Dinah heartily wished she hadn't had to see.
"Hey. I had that nightmare long before your dad dug it out of my brain," Dinah said gently. "A year and a half isn't long enough to forget. I'm sorry you had to see that, though."
Raven
Compared to some of the others -- Azar, Jono! -- Dinah's dream was relatively easier to bear, vampires or not. "You do not need to be sorry," she said. "It is not your fault. I just wish I had been strong enough to fight my father and spared you all that."
Dinah
Dinah gave her an incredulous look that gentled into something more rueful after a minute. "He's a zillion years old, and a zillion feet high, and I wish you could have too. But that's kind of like me wishing I was world karate champion and had a modeling contract and was Queen of Canada at the same time." She shook her head. "Besides. Horrible as it was, and horrible as being Azar's puppet was--" And weirdly, she resented that more-- "--it defeated your dad. Did you, were you..." Dinah frowned. "Were you okay with that? With all of Azarath zooming through you to take him down?"
Raven
"Azarath," Raven whispered. She hadn't let herself think of that yet, but there it was. Her home, everyone she'd grown up with, was gone. She hadn't done it personally, only witnessed the initial attack, but she hadn't done anything to prevent it.
"They gave their lives to destroy Trigon," she said. "Azar knew I would not be able to stand against my father. But she was able to turn what I did to you all against me to stop me, and use my body to channel her power. It destroyed my father. I am very okay with that."
Dinah
Dinah had thought of that, during the funeral. That there would be no memorial for them. She squeezed Raven's hand at her friend's whisper, and ached for her. She might have been exiled, but at least she'd known the place was still there.
"Your mom..." Was the only person to walk out of there. It was something to remind her of, that someone else loved her and missed her from there. "Is in Gotham. Missing you like crazy. And she's free now. And so are you."
Raven
"Does she know I am alive?" Raven asked. Surely there hadn't been enough time to tell her since they'd returned to Fandom just minutes before, but she didn't know if anyone had called her before they'd gone to the church.
Dinah
"MMmm, we were a little rushed?" Dinah admitted. Also, not wanting to get the woman's hopes up either. "So no. I've got a number for her, if you want to contact her now." Or take a nap, get it together, and figure out how to break news like that without giving her mom a heart attack.
Raven
"I would like to talk to her," Raven said with a slow nod. "Not now." Not when her emotions were still too raw and all she wanted to do was crawl into a dark corner and cry and beg for forgiveness. "But soon."
Dinah
"Okay." Dinah hugged her again, stroked her hair, and sent through a hand on her shoulder: You don't have to do anything but rest now, you know? You've been through enough trauma for ten people, the last month. Then, very softly, "The person who was Didi told me you'd be back. In a dream. I was never ever so glad to hear something in my life. And everyone here feels the same way."
Raven
"Didi," Raven repeated softly. "I saw her, too. She came to me after...after everything happened. She said it was not my time yet -- she knew I would be pulled back, but she could not say when."
She glanced over to where Jono was; she hadn't talked to him yet, much as she wanted and feared to do. "I do not know if I should tell Jono that, though."
Dinah
"Yeah." Dinah's voice was quiet. "She's not... who she was. She still cares. But it's not in the same way." She tilted her head. "When things aren't so raw, maybe. He might like to know then."
Raven
"Not now," Raven agreed, still watching Jono. He felt so far away, and it wasn't just the physical distance. "I will try to find the right time." If there ever would be one.
Dinah
"Not yet." Dinah sighed. "But yes." She squeezed her hand and then said, "Welcome back."
Warren
Someday, Warren was going to get sucked into a rescue mission and he was going to come back with clothing that wasn't stained red with his own blood.
This was not that day.
But he was awake, now, if still a little dazed, lifting a hand to pat at his throat, at his bare, crimson-streaked chest, to be certain that everything was in its place while he pulled in deep, desperate breaths of crisp, fresh air.
He would get around to pulling himself together and climbing to his feet again sooner or later. Right now, he was a little lost in that whole 'I'm not dead' thing.
Somebody owed him massive apologies for that one.
Raven
He might have had Karla in mind for that, but Raven knew she owed him as well. She didn't get too close to him, but near enough to offer an apology. "I am very sorry, Warren," she said. "I know that is just words, but I truly am, and I thank you for all you did to aid me."
And, since Warren had had to deal with just a touch more than dealing with her father, going through nightmares of her own creation, and rescuing her from Sebastian, she added, "And I am sorry that my power controlled your mind. I was attempting to reach Karla, but since Sebastian had bitten off my chakra, I could not control my powers, nor was I strong enough to breach her shielding. But you were with her, and that fragment of my Soul-Self turned to you in desperation."
Warren
The smile that Warren turned up toward Raven was just something shy of twitchy. The nightmares, the being possessed by Azar and attacking Raven and all of the injuries that he'd sustained both times they'd gone after her and learning that his blood could heal more than just himself... That all seemed something like details, floating somewhere along the surface, at the moment.
If she was going to be talking about this 'Raven belongs to Brother Blood' stuff, then he was quite happy to focus on it. It saved him from thinking too hard about how close he'd probably come to actually dying, back there.
"Desperate times, desperate measures, right?" He nodded a little. "Seeing the state that he had you in, I really don't blame you for doing what you needed to do to get somebody's attention."
He wasn't thrilled about it, no. He was half wondering if he was going to have to start running around wearing a tinfoil hat. But understanding something wasn't necessarily the same as liking it. He could be very pragmatic that way, when he wanted to be.
Raven
"It is not something I would ever wish to do again," Raven assured him. "At least, I hope I never have reason to."
She paused awkwardly then, because what did one say to someone they'd shared their best friend's Virgin Night with and then followed it up with attempted evisceration at the hands of demons, nightmares designed to turn him evil, and then temporarily hijacking his body? There were not Hallmark cards for this.
"If there is anything I can do to show my gratitude or to make it up to you, please tell me?" she finally said.
Warren
Warren managed a smile that, while still somewhat dazed, was at least civil. Which, in the face of all of that, was something, right?
"Nothing really leaps to mind," he replied, shrugging a bit. "All I really want right now are some clean clothes and a shower and to sleep for about a month. But..."
He glanced toward Karla.
"If you want to show your gratitude, show it to her. She's needed a friend around through all of this way more than I did."
Raven
Raven followed his gaze to Karla. "You do not even need to ask that," she said. "You know how dear she is to my heart, and I owe her so much for all she has done for me. I owe you all."
Warren
Warren nodded a little bit, looking toward Karla thoughtfully.
"Well, then we'll call it even. And try not to let it happen again."
Because if this happened again, it didn't matter how much he cared for Karla. Warren was going to be cranky.
Karla
And that someone was walking towards him now, trying to figure out just what she could possibly say to apologize. She was keeping her expression blank in an effort not to cry, but didn't have such fine control over her body language--bowed head, hunched shoulders, arms wrapped tightly around her waist.
She stopped, just out of arm's reach. "Warren, I--" Unfortunately, no grand speech of apology had materialized in her brain during the short walk over. "I'm so sorry. I didn't think they would be so--" So what? So brutal? They were demons; she'd seen what they were capable of on Azarath. The truth was, she hadn't let herself think, because she hadn't been sure she could go through with it if she had. "I'm sorry," she said again. "So sorry."
More tears threatened but she held them back. She didn't want Warren to be swayed by the sight of her crying. If he even could be, any more.
Warren
Of course he could be. He was a boy.
"You weren't the one with the big, nasty claws," he pointed out, tiredly. Tired really seemed like the thing to be right now. Because if he let himself wake up to actually think about this too much, he was probably going to just completely break down.
He was setting a new rule for himself. A maximum amount of times being horribly mutilated per month. And since the count that they had reached was now at two, that meant that they were over the limit. By two.
Maybe if he was aware that this was more of a sacrificial lamb thing in order to get Raven's chakra back, instead of a really unfortunate case of him not flying quickly enough, he'd probably have more to say. But, at this point...
Karla
But Karla wasn't sure if he were still her boy. Not after what had happened to him, back there. Not when it had all been her fault.
"I wasn't," she agreed. "But I was the reason Sebastian made them attack you. He tried to use what I feared most against me." And then she had used that to get close enough to him to get Raven's chakra back, thus directly causing her fear to come true in the most gruesome fashion possible. "I didn't save you. I didn't even protect you. I made it happen."
Warren
"Oh..."
There went the air, running out of Warren with a sigh as he slumped forward a little. "Well... how did he know?"
He hadn't really been expecting some kind of heroic rescue, if that was what she was beating herself up over. But the details were kind of hazy, yet.
Karla
Karla stepped forward, wanting to go to him, then stopped, unsure if such a gesture would be appreciated.
"He caught a glimpse of what happened to you in Azarath, before I yanked my shields back up," she said. "He figured out what you meant to me by how much fear I felt at the idea of something like that happening to you again."
And then she'd let it happen to him anyway, trusting to his Healing factor to make it right. How could she talk about loving him, after putting him through something like that? It was like sometimes everything that made her Karla got shunted aside and someone else came forward, coldly analyzing her options and choosing the expedient path, and letting everything else be damned. She used people to attain her goals.
Ender's voice rang in her head again, that talk at 'Dite's. He had seen that other-her before anyone and had obliquely warned her about it. Now she was facing the consequences in truth. Just make sure there's something worth saving when the dust clears.
"But then he had you and I--well, I saw my chance. And I took it."
Warren
There was something behind all of that... something under all of that that left Warren's blood running cold. If he stopped to think about it too much, he could pick out the undertones. The little hints of...
Maybe she hadn't really been begging. It was convenient, that he could heal, and if Brother Blood didn't know that Warren could handle more damage than most...
He was biting the inside of his cheek fairly hard by the time he got around to even thinking that he was going to need to make words again.
"It saved Raven," he said, finally. Because... That seemed like it was... something.
Karla
It did," Karla agreed evenly. "And stopped him from unleashing those demons on the rest of the world."
Everything had a price. But she hadn't really been the one to to pay it, had she? She hadn't even asked Warren if he would be willing to do so, just put her plan into motion as soon as she had the chance.
She'd treated him like a pawn, instead of a person. She was like Graff, like Mazer, like all those people who had broken Ender down so they could build him back up into the weapon that they'd needed.
But what could she say? That she would have begged for him, if that would have saved him? That she'd just acted quicker than Brother Blood, who probably would have ordered Warren killed anyway, just to see his face? That Warren should be grateful, because she'd used him like she would have a Warlord Prince in Kaeleer, instead of someone to be protected and sheltered?
That she would beg for his forgiveness here and now, with the utmost sincerity, if she thought it would help?
"Forgive me." It was the only thing she could say, right now. "Please. If you can."
Warren
"Yeah," Warren sighed, still a little tired, now a bit more numb than before. "You did what you had to do."
And he wasn't entirely certain how the hell he was still alive right now. But that wasn't what they were talking about, was it? That part was... terrifying. Laying there on the ground until the blackness dragged him down.
But hey. No more Raven-shaped doorway to hell. Which was a good thing.
"She... probably needs some company tonight," he said, trying to muster up a smile that fell a little short. "Maybe... keep an eye on her, and we can talk in the morning?"
When he felt somewhat less like he'd just been run through a meat grinder. When he was decidedly less sticky with his own blood. That would probably help the flow of the conversation, like, a lot.
Karla
"I did," Karla agreed. "But...it might not have been the right thing."
That was all she could say, before the lump in her throat threatened to overtake her completely. She nodded at him and turned away, arms coming up to cup her elbows.
"Tomorrow." She had to swallow a few more times, before her voice could come out evenly. But it was easier to talk this way, not looking at his clothing, his blood, the expression on his face when he realized the kind of person she was. "Whenever you want. Whenever you're ready."
And then she was walking away, brushing at tears that fell no matter how much she tried to control them.
Jono
Jonothon was... standing back a fair bit.
He was thankful that she was here, and alive and well. He was. There were waves of thankfulness and relief practically radiating off of him.
Right along with the awkwardness. The guilt. He wasn't going to be able to shake that one so easily. He felt... tired. Like maybe now that she was back and everything was okay again, he could go find a corner to curl up in and just not move for a while.
//Glad yer... alright, gel.//
He had no idea what to say.
Raven
Raven drew away from the others to approach him, slowly, hesitantly. She was terrified he hated her now because of what she'd done to him, even though she knew that if he did he wouldn't have come with the rest to save her. The relief warmed her, but the guilt confused her. He hadn't done anything; it had all been her fault. And her father's.
"Jono," she said, biting at her lip. "I have missed you so much. And I am sorry that I hurt you."
Jono
Jono watched her for a moment, quietly, turning his eyes down toward the ground as he lifted his hands and started to busy himself with re-wrapping the leather over his flames. It was... important. It was.
He couldn't tell her that it was okay. It wasn't. She'd lied to them. And he wasn't okay. Though maybe that wasn't so much her fault, as it was just him coming to terms with life.
//Well, it's over now, innit?//
Raven
She'd been reaching a hand out to touch him, but dropped it, her heart sinking. "Is it?" she said, not sure how to interpret his words. "I do not blame you for hating me now."
Jono
Jonothon flinched at that, his hand closed around one strip of leather, his eyes still very carefully on the ground at his feet. It was amazing, the power that words had to twist a person's heart in his chest. It extended far past the physical, until he could swear that he could feel it deep within himself even without a heart to twist.
//I don't hate you. You of all people should be able to tell as much.//
Raven
"I hurt you so much," Raven said brokenly, tears beginning to stream down her cheeks. "I never wished to do that."
She wrapped her arms around herself, feeling a chill beyond the late January cold in the air. "You may not hate me," she said, "but I would understand if you did. I hate myself for being so weak. For being unable to stop my father. For hurting those I love."
All the cruel things she'd said to him and how she'd forced feelings upon him she didn't deserve. And bringing his fears to life. Her stomach twisted and she sank down to her knees, fighting the urge to be violently sick.
Jono
//You didn't tell us,// he said. And it didn't matter how softly he tried to say it, it still managed to feel to Jono like an accusation. //We asked. We spent weeks asking. Stress. Nothing's th'matter. Yer fine. Over and over again.//
He couldn't look at her. If he looked at her, saw her there on the ground, he'd give in entirely.
//Being strong isn't th'same as refusing to ask for help when you need it most.//
Raven
Raven flinched, arms tighter around herself. She couldn't bear to look at him either and see the accusation in his eyes. There were a dozen excuses, all of them wrong. "I did not think there was anything anyone could do," she said. "I wanted to protect you from my father and myself. I was...I was wrong."
It pained her pride to admit that, but the worse pain was the knowledge of what she'd done to him. "I am sorry," she whispered again. "I know that is not enough, but...I am sorry. For everything."
Jono
//Everything... is a lot t'be sorry for,// Jonothon replied, closing his eyes.
He wanted to reach to her. And he couldn't bring himself to do it.
//I'm sorry, too.//
That what he could do hadn't been enough. That he couldn't bring himself to get close to anybody right now, let alone her. That she had an unfortunate tendency to end up in the arms of monsters.
For everything.
Raven
She pushed herself back up to her feet and took another step toward him. He didn't hate her, but the distance she sensed was almost as bad. "You have nothing to be sorry for," she said. Nothing had been his fault, nothing.
She stretched out a hand toward his arm. She wanted to touch him. She needed to.
Jono
With his eyes closed, he hadn't seen her hand headed for his arm. But the moment he felt it there, he tensed, jerked away, his eyes open wide and lost behind their unnatural glow, the fire that twisted around him practically throwing itself in the other direction.
Don't touch me don't touch me...
He didn't say anything at all. He couldn't think enough to manage words. There was panic.
Raven
Raven stumbled backward, her hand flying to her mouth, her eyes wide. She hadn't expected a reaction that violent to her touch, and his rejection shattered her heart. "I am sorry," she said. "I did not mean to -- I only wanted to...."
Wanted to touch him and fall into his arms and tell him she loved him. She could do just one of those, at least. "I love you," she whispered. "But if you wish me to stay away, I will."
Jono
//No...// He took a step backward as well, pulling his jacket tight across his front and trying to bury himself in it. Wrapping up the bandages again was not going to happen any time particularly soon, at this rate. //I just... can't...//
He'd killed her. She'd been dead, dying, and he'd sealed the deal with a kiss. Everybody he got close to left. Everybody who got close to him wound up hurt.
And he had no idea how to say that.
//I'm sorry.//
Raven
She didn't have any shields now, and his feelings washed over her. His pain and guilt mirrored her own, but she didn't think he deserved that guilt. Not like she did.
"Jono," she said. She stood her ground now, not retreating further, no matter how tempting that was. "That was not you. You have nothing to be sorry for."
Jono
//It was,// he replied, shaking his head, lifting one hand to gesture with. //From here, to here. That was me.//
From just under his nose to about halfway down his abs. His mind might not have been his own, but the fire was a constant. Fire was fire.
Raven
"It may have physically been your body, but it was not your soul guiding it," Raven said, "any more than it was Karla's or Bobby's or Sookie's or Professor Skywalker's."
And still she couldn't believe that of herself.
"I did that to you," she said, hating herself for the memory of how she'd unleashed his fears. "I made you into that. It was my fault, not yours. Please, Jono, do not blame yourself. You are innocent in that act."
Jono
//...Innocent.//
He didn't really buy that one. Maybe she'd brought out his fears in that nightmare that he'd had. But he was the one who had chosen to act on those fears, inside of that nightmare.
//I'm not innocent, Raven. This fire has killed - I've killed - over and over since coming to this place. Demons. Jhinka. Th'Krimzon Guard in Jak's home. Those twisted... things in Silent Hill. You. I hurt people. This hurts people. I don't want to be a weapon anymore.//
Raven
"Then do not be," Raven said, aching to hold him, not just out of her own need for comfort but out of the desire to ease his pain. "And I will do all in my power to make certain you never have to again." She wasn't sure she could keep that promise, but she would do everything she could.
"The fire is part of you." She'd learned the hard way when she'd tried to heal him. "But it is not what you are. It is not what makes you Jono. If you did not care about those you have been forced to use your powers against, then you would not be the person I love."
Jono
Jonothon listened quietly to her words, still trying to burrow his way into his jacket as far as he could go, flame slipping out here and there, through the various gashes and tears in the leather from the attacks by the cultists. He shook his head a little bit.
//It isn't what I am,// he echoed, though he didn't sound terribly convinced. //But it is something that I fight with. It's stronger than I am. I can't... can't bring myself to risk...//
In the back of his mind, he was well aware that there were a million far more suitable things that he could be doing right now. She was back from the dead. He shouldn't be keeping his distance, cowering behind leather rags. And she was trying. And he was hurting her.
//Don't touch me,// he murmured, looking down at the ground. //I just... can't right now. Not from anybody.//
Raven
Raven looked away, wiping the back of her hand across her eyes. This was all her fault. She'd done this to him, made him doubt himself so much. And now she didn't know if she could fix it, or if her attempts would only make it worse.
Right now a part of her almost wished she was still dead because then she wouldn't feel the breaking of her heart. She couldn't breathe, but somehow she managed words despite the lump in her throat. "I am sorry," she said for countless time. She was going to be saying that a lot. "I will...I will leave you alone."
Jono
Jonothon couldn't win. He didn't want to be left alone, either. But being touched terrified him, people being close made him want to run the other way. And after everything that had happened over the past few weeks, he had no idea where to start with pretty much anything, anymore.
Well, he couldn't deny that he was lousy company.
He couldn't find the words to reply to her with. He just wrapped his arms around himself a little more tightly, nodded a little, and turned to make his way back toward the dorms.
He was tired.
Raven
Raven could hear him move away, but she couldn't turn to look at him leaving her. Though her other friends were still close by, she felt lost and alone, and struggled with the instinctive urge to run away. They were forgiving her, but she didn't deserve it. She'd caused them so much harm in body and mind, and Jono's rejection made the guilt come crashing down even harder.
"I cannot...I...I should go," she stammered. Before she hurt them all again.
Karla
"Oh, the Hell you will," Karla snapped, reaching out to grasp Raven's arm before Raven could even think about teleporting off somewhere. "We just found out you really were alive, rescued you from Sebastian, and brought you back to the island. If you think you're going anywhere, you're out of your damn mind."
Raven
"It hurts, Karla," Raven whimpered, too lost in her sorrow to think straight right now. "It hurts so much."
[OOC: Preplayed with the wonderful blondecanary, furnaceface, glacial_witch, justwantsquiet, longislandiceme, not_a_parakeet, sith_happened, and weetuskenraider. This is for broadcast, but NFI, and OOC is always happy!]