Blow to the E-go
Once again, I shall state: I miss home with a heavy passion.
So I was talking with Katie tonight, and she was telling me about a conversation with her dad about me. At some point he said to her, "you know, I really like Triggy, but sometimes I wish you'd just find a nice engineering boy."
Talk about a MASSIVE blow to the ego. It's things like that that make me question my choices as a person. Is acting really worth attempting to pursue if I'm never going to get anywhere with it? I want to finish my degree, be closer to Katie, be back with my friends, and achieve my dreams. But are my dreams really reasonable anymore? I almost wonder if Katie's dad doesn't think I'll amount to anything. It's a frustrating and daunting blow to feel like your girlfriend's family doesn't even think you'll get anywhere. I work so hard every day that I'm in a rehearsal. I practice my juggling every day. I'm going back to classes. I'm working hard at getting myself back into a good pattern. But he could be right? What if I never get anywhere with things? Do I just give up and pick a more reasonable and less desirable role in the play of life? It's hard to try to write the show when all your toughest critics are cutting you down. I want my life to be fulfilling, and to be able to take care of my family steadily. I want to be acting and doing theatrical work enough to make it work. So why is it when I make so much progress, that something makes me feel like it's all in vain?
On a slight side note, I saw a nasty photo of a car wreck in an e-mail from my cousin involving a drunk driver in his area. Later this evening, I was talking to Katie about her drinking with her friends. And I work so hard to not let it bother me, but when she talks about her getting drunk, things like that slip back into my head and start chewing at my nerves. I don't mind her drinking, so long as she's in control. More than anything, it bugs me that I can't be there. I want to be able to hang out with her and her friends. I like them; they're good people, and I know they look out for each other. But I always wonder what if, that one time, one of them misses something, and she gets taken advantage of, or gets hurt, or something else terrible. I know, she's a big girl, and she can take care of herself. I've never doubted Katie's self-capability. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met, which is why I'm so attracted to her. I just remember how stupid and foolish some of the people I've known are when they're intoxicated, and I don't like thinking about her in an inebriated state like that. It just seems wrong. I think more than anything, expressing it here helps me deal with it. I have to get it out somehow, and I don't like to have to burden people with my problems. So I just type it out to the world and let it leave my mind. Katie's drinking doesn't make me love her any less, or upset me to the point that I'm angry. I just get concerned. I want to make sure she's always ok. Because I screwed up so bad that I can't be there.
On top of all the craziness happening in my brain, my life still remains crazy here in the real world. We're about 3 weeks from opening our production of Cinderella with Magical Starlight Theatre, and I'm essentially off-book. My dad's car is currently dead. Big problem for the both of us, as I have no vehicle, he has no vehicle, and I have to get a ride from my wonderful mother, who's always in the Best of moods (that was texted sarcasm, in case anyone missed it).
Well, instead of continuing to bitch about my problems, I suppose I should get some sleep, seeing as how I have work and a rehearsal tomorrow. The life of an actor never seems to stop moving. Night, all!
So I was talking with Katie tonight, and she was telling me about a conversation with her dad about me. At some point he said to her, "you know, I really like Triggy, but sometimes I wish you'd just find a nice engineering boy."
Talk about a MASSIVE blow to the ego. It's things like that that make me question my choices as a person. Is acting really worth attempting to pursue if I'm never going to get anywhere with it? I want to finish my degree, be closer to Katie, be back with my friends, and achieve my dreams. But are my dreams really reasonable anymore? I almost wonder if Katie's dad doesn't think I'll amount to anything. It's a frustrating and daunting blow to feel like your girlfriend's family doesn't even think you'll get anywhere. I work so hard every day that I'm in a rehearsal. I practice my juggling every day. I'm going back to classes. I'm working hard at getting myself back into a good pattern. But he could be right? What if I never get anywhere with things? Do I just give up and pick a more reasonable and less desirable role in the play of life? It's hard to try to write the show when all your toughest critics are cutting you down. I want my life to be fulfilling, and to be able to take care of my family steadily. I want to be acting and doing theatrical work enough to make it work. So why is it when I make so much progress, that something makes me feel like it's all in vain?
On a slight side note, I saw a nasty photo of a car wreck in an e-mail from my cousin involving a drunk driver in his area. Later this evening, I was talking to Katie about her drinking with her friends. And I work so hard to not let it bother me, but when she talks about her getting drunk, things like that slip back into my head and start chewing at my nerves. I don't mind her drinking, so long as she's in control. More than anything, it bugs me that I can't be there. I want to be able to hang out with her and her friends. I like them; they're good people, and I know they look out for each other. But I always wonder what if, that one time, one of them misses something, and she gets taken advantage of, or gets hurt, or something else terrible. I know, she's a big girl, and she can take care of herself. I've never doubted Katie's self-capability. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met, which is why I'm so attracted to her. I just remember how stupid and foolish some of the people I've known are when they're intoxicated, and I don't like thinking about her in an inebriated state like that. It just seems wrong. I think more than anything, expressing it here helps me deal with it. I have to get it out somehow, and I don't like to have to burden people with my problems. So I just type it out to the world and let it leave my mind. Katie's drinking doesn't make me love her any less, or upset me to the point that I'm angry. I just get concerned. I want to make sure she's always ok. Because I screwed up so bad that I can't be there.
On top of all the craziness happening in my brain, my life still remains crazy here in the real world. We're about 3 weeks from opening our production of Cinderella with Magical Starlight Theatre, and I'm essentially off-book. My dad's car is currently dead. Big problem for the both of us, as I have no vehicle, he has no vehicle, and I have to get a ride from my wonderful mother, who's always in the Best of moods (that was texted sarcasm, in case anyone missed it).
Well, instead of continuing to bitch about my problems, I suppose I should get some sleep, seeing as how I have work and a rehearsal tomorrow. The life of an actor never seems to stop moving. Night, all!