(no subject)
I don't really even know who can read this and who can't, but by now I'm so exhausted of this jumpy type of half-fear of a leak in my security that I've ceased to care, at least for this entry. I haven't bothered to make it friends-only.
For all the times I've mentioned Adrienne, I know it's been only to trash her, but the only reason for that is because..hm. Well, you would probably do the same thing if one of your former friends did similar things to you, the details aren't important.
To tell the story (maybe it's not necessarily a correct version, but I'm trying as hard as I can not to influence the way it's told by my own opinion), we used to be really good friends. I don't know, she said that this wasn't the reason, but I think maybe we hung around each other a little too much, because when two people do that they tend to get tired of each others' quirks, and quickly. I do remember really enjoying the time I was her friend, and being confused at why certain things she did annoyed me. It seemed like she was trying to change me into someone I wasn't ready to be changed into, push me, subtly, into a place that I wasn't prepared to go yet. I know that she saw that I suffered, a long time ago, and tried her best, in her own way, to help. But she told me that she liked what I was, complimented me on a lot things, and it confused me somewhere along the way when it seemed like she wanted me to get over certain weaknesses that she grew to know very well. She also grew to learn early on that I liked to wallow, probably. I'm a year younger than her. I was (and still am) inconsiderate, stubborn, arrogant beyond belief, and have a horrible temper. Quick to assume, too, that's my worst quality--I've learned to tone that down by a lot. It caused a lot of problems later on.
Sometimes she did things that made me feel, as a person, that she didn't care. Or that she was doing certain things just to hurt me. I'm pretty sure now, looking back, that she didn't mean to, and a lot of our conflicts were just horrible misunderstandings--mostly on my part. So I wasn't ..very nice toward the end of our friendship. No, truthfully, I was horrible, because every tiny thing she did that I misunderstood I grew more and more angry, more hurt, and confused. I didn't want to spend time with her very much any more, because I felt something bad growing between us. Again, I don't know if that was just me, but I admit right here and now that near the end, I was a little bitch.
I know there was something she did here or there that just made me publicly insult her in journal entries. We all know how juvenile that is, to get at someone by letting them know that everyone can tell how much you hate them, at least for the petty reason that I had--she'd pissed me off.
(Remember when I said I had a nasty temper?)
I was fourteen going on fifteen when we were friends. So shoot me.
Anyway, my point is that I did a lot of senseless bullshit, she put up with it, and then I would deny ever being wrong, most of the time. (Stubborn little fuck, I know.) Overall, I remember that for all the things she did that inconvenienced me, that got in trouble with my mother, that made me angry or hurt, I can't remember every instance of the negative things. I can remember certain trips we took on bus, though, and I remember that they were great.
It's too bad that I didn't realize quite what I was doing until she finally got fed up with me and started doing her share of getting into my email, my livejournal, my screen names, and other things. To this day I'll get a message from her here or there and it'll tease me. Or mock me. Or make fun of me. I mean, I know I did shit to deserve this, but it's been going on for well over a year.
I thought that was enough--I tried apologizing once, and that didn't go over very well.
It's sad, really. I learned a lot from her when we still got along, and it's a shame that I had to be so blind for such a long time. I guess you can't undo every single wrong you've done, but you can try to be sorry for them.
And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for that.
Well, if it's my personality that she hates, if it's the way that I am that she hates, then there's really nothing I can do because I'm changing, but slowly. The things that I write haven't changed much, but as a person, generally, I have. It just may not be enough for her, but I'm not concerned with that anymore. We'll probably never have anything but unpleasant words to share for the rest of the time that she can keep finding my contact information.
Sometimes I'll have weird dreams in which I run into her on the street and try to talk it out with her. Nothing gets resolved. I'm guessing that that's the way it'd be if it really happened.
But that's the story. We both did our respective shit (oh, I probably did more) and it appears to still be raging after about a year and a half, at least on her part. I stopped talking back or reacting a long time ago.
I'm sorry, Adrienne, for everything that I did. I know that I hurt you at some point in time, and I know I hurt you a lot. Friends don't do that. This is the public apology that I'm to giving you for all the times I treated you unfairly because I didn't understand.
For all the times I've mentioned Adrienne, I know it's been only to trash her, but the only reason for that is because..hm. Well, you would probably do the same thing if one of your former friends did similar things to you, the details aren't important.
To tell the story (maybe it's not necessarily a correct version, but I'm trying as hard as I can not to influence the way it's told by my own opinion), we used to be really good friends. I don't know, she said that this wasn't the reason, but I think maybe we hung around each other a little too much, because when two people do that they tend to get tired of each others' quirks, and quickly. I do remember really enjoying the time I was her friend, and being confused at why certain things she did annoyed me. It seemed like she was trying to change me into someone I wasn't ready to be changed into, push me, subtly, into a place that I wasn't prepared to go yet. I know that she saw that I suffered, a long time ago, and tried her best, in her own way, to help. But she told me that she liked what I was, complimented me on a lot things, and it confused me somewhere along the way when it seemed like she wanted me to get over certain weaknesses that she grew to know very well. She also grew to learn early on that I liked to wallow, probably. I'm a year younger than her. I was (and still am) inconsiderate, stubborn, arrogant beyond belief, and have a horrible temper. Quick to assume, too, that's my worst quality--I've learned to tone that down by a lot. It caused a lot of problems later on.
Sometimes she did things that made me feel, as a person, that she didn't care. Or that she was doing certain things just to hurt me. I'm pretty sure now, looking back, that she didn't mean to, and a lot of our conflicts were just horrible misunderstandings--mostly on my part. So I wasn't ..very nice toward the end of our friendship. No, truthfully, I was horrible, because every tiny thing she did that I misunderstood I grew more and more angry, more hurt, and confused. I didn't want to spend time with her very much any more, because I felt something bad growing between us. Again, I don't know if that was just me, but I admit right here and now that near the end, I was a little bitch.
I know there was something she did here or there that just made me publicly insult her in journal entries. We all know how juvenile that is, to get at someone by letting them know that everyone can tell how much you hate them, at least for the petty reason that I had--she'd pissed me off.
(Remember when I said I had a nasty temper?)
I was fourteen going on fifteen when we were friends. So shoot me.
Anyway, my point is that I did a lot of senseless bullshit, she put up with it, and then I would deny ever being wrong, most of the time. (Stubborn little fuck, I know.) Overall, I remember that for all the things she did that inconvenienced me, that got in trouble with my mother, that made me angry or hurt, I can't remember every instance of the negative things. I can remember certain trips we took on bus, though, and I remember that they were great.
It's too bad that I didn't realize quite what I was doing until she finally got fed up with me and started doing her share of getting into my email, my livejournal, my screen names, and other things. To this day I'll get a message from her here or there and it'll tease me. Or mock me. Or make fun of me. I mean, I know I did shit to deserve this, but it's been going on for well over a year.
I thought that was enough--I tried apologizing once, and that didn't go over very well.
It's sad, really. I learned a lot from her when we still got along, and it's a shame that I had to be so blind for such a long time. I guess you can't undo every single wrong you've done, but you can try to be sorry for them.
And I'm sorry. I'm really sorry for that.
Well, if it's my personality that she hates, if it's the way that I am that she hates, then there's really nothing I can do because I'm changing, but slowly. The things that I write haven't changed much, but as a person, generally, I have. It just may not be enough for her, but I'm not concerned with that anymore. We'll probably never have anything but unpleasant words to share for the rest of the time that she can keep finding my contact information.
Sometimes I'll have weird dreams in which I run into her on the street and try to talk it out with her. Nothing gets resolved. I'm guessing that that's the way it'd be if it really happened.
But that's the story. We both did our respective shit (oh, I probably did more) and it appears to still be raging after about a year and a half, at least on her part. I stopped talking back or reacting a long time ago.
I'm sorry, Adrienne, for everything that I did. I know that I hurt you at some point in time, and I know I hurt you a lot. Friends don't do that. This is the public apology that I'm to giving you for all the times I treated you unfairly because I didn't understand.