[00?] baby i was born this way

Sep 07, 2011 23:47

WARNING: This verse and log will approach and deal with transgender/genderqueer issues. The mun wants to make it clear that she does support the trans community as a whole, and if she fails to properly address/treats issues in a way that is offensive, openly invites herself to correction (but will attempt to treat the subject with all due ( Read more... )

oh fuck cuteness, genderqueer, emotionally stunted boys, writing, transgender

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 07:22:31 UTC
Arthur, having always had a lithe body type (and considered 'too feminine' when he hit puberty), had never doubted his gender. He had always known he was male and it never occurred to him to ever think he was anything else.

He was bisexual, having been sexually attracted to and active with both male and female partners, and while he had even come across a cross-dresser or two, he had never encountered anyone that would have identified themselves as "transgender". He had heard of the term before and even knew the basic concept/meaning but not much else. (While he had no issues with anyone like that [that he knew of] he would have to admit he was painfully ignorant of the whole subject for someone who traveled the world and more or less constantly collected information for a living.]

As far as he was concerned, and knew, Eames was a male (one of the burliest men he could remember associating with for a long period of time and, after maintaining a rather strong friendship, allowed the relationship to develop further into the more romantic direction).

So, chewing his own food, not at all aware of the other's nervousness, he raised his brows to indicate he was listening, looking directly at Eames.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 07:34:20 UTC
When Eames was younger, after having just figured out why he felt the way he did, he had envied young men like Arthur. Men whose minds and bodies matched. Men who never doubted.

Eames had wanted to shout at his former classmates how do you know?. Older and wiser, now, Eames knew the world wasn't as black and white as it had seemed back then, and even despite the prejudices still in place, that they were making grounds to overcome them.

But if Arthur wasn't okay with this... if Arthur was disgusted, it would hurt Eames. He didn't like being nervous about this, because he didn't think he should have to be, but the facts were facts.

"I'm sure you've noticed that we've been taking things slow," he said, unable to just come right out and say it. "It's out of respect for you and I, of course, but it's also..." Eames drummed his fingers, feeling his chest tighten, looking at Arthur. "Because I needed to speak with you before we moved into a sexual relationship."

Taking a deep breath, "You see, I'm transgender. I identify as male but my body isn't, entirely." It tumbled out rather quickly, it seemed, to Eames.

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 07:45:31 UTC
Arthur had been nodding, respecting Eames' wish to take things slow (knowing that making sure any advances of any kind it was what his partner wanted was one of the most important things Arthur could do for anyone, especially Eames, whom he had cared about as a friend before now) and not really minding it as taking a friendship and turning it into more wasn't always an easy transition.

But at the latter... he seemed to end up coughing slightly on air, blinking a few times and shaking his head as if he had just been swatted, "Excuse me?" He needed to make sure he had heard that correctly.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 07:50:15 UTC
If Eames could have, honestly, he would not have taken it slow. He trusted Arthur, enough that he wanted to tell him. But he cared for him enough that the idea that Arthur might not want to be with him after this also terrified him.

But Eames was not going to start a relationship not talking about important facts about himself, and Arthur deserved full disclosure.

His reaction was a nonreaction. It wasn't acceptance and it wasn't disgust, either. Still, repeating himself wasn't exactly fun, but the words came easier this time.

"I'm transgender," he repeated, curling his fingers into his palm. "Female to male."

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 08:11:39 UTC
Arthur felt himself freeze up, eyes slightly wider than normal and not blinking for an alarmingly long moment before blinking several moments and tearing his eyes away from Eames as his mind almost felt like it had broken slightly. Possibly.

He had been overwhelmed by dream sharing when he first started out but this... Eames had, technically, been born in a female body. That... he just couldn't process that. At least not easily.

After taking a long pull of his drink - because he had to do something else other than stare like a fucking idiot - he cleared his throat and just came out with it, "I'm sorry but I honestly don't know how to process or respond to that..."

He wasn't angry or disgusted - not at all - he was just shocked and trying to wrap his mind around it.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 08:16:55 UTC
Eames could feel something clench up in his chest, even though this was a perfectly reasonable reaction (Arthur was not getting angry but being honest in how he felt, which was really the best Eames could expect).

He nodded slightly even as his gaze dropped to the side, rubbing his thumb along his index finger.

"That's why I told you. To give you time to process it and make any... decisions you need to make."

I'm still me. I'm still Eames and I'm a man, he wanted to blurt out but kept from saying that. He had already laid out what he wanted Arthur to know. And he knew better than anyone that information would take time to process.

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 08:20:32 UTC
Arthur frowned then, brow furrowing a little, "Decisions?" That word choice confused him slightly - enough to distract him from the fairly jarring information he had just received.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 08:23:08 UTC
Swallowing slightly and starting to dig into the side of his palm with his thumbnail, "If you still want to pursue a relationship."

Unable to help adding, "Some people can't handle being in a relationship with someone who is trans. I wouldn't hold it against you."

He in fact would, he knew. But the polite thing to say was that Arthur would have an out if he needed one.

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 08:45:57 UTC
Arthur frowned more at that, "Why wouldn't I?"

Gesturing with his hands slightly, food long forgotten after his fork had dropped to his plate earlier, "I--I'll be honest in saying I don't have any experience with this, but I'm just shocked. It doesn't mean I want to stop seeing you or being with you. Hell, I'd dump your ass for treating me like shit or lying to me about something major before I'd even consider dumping you just for being... you." Arthur had never had those kind of prejudices towards people before, he didn't see why he would now. (Even if he didn't understand it all that well.)

Adding, as it occurred to him, the shock slowly starting to fade slightly, "I mean, you're still you, right? The Eames I met years ago and have known all that time?" The Eames he had cared about as a friend and had, somehow, sometime, fallen for and wanted more than friendship from now.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 09:03:32 UTC
Eames exhaled slowly, dragging his gaze back to Arthur's and feeling something in his chest warm with those words.

"I didn't think you'd had any experience with it but that was why I thought you might want the out," he said simply. "Many people still aren't comfortable with people who don't fit into their binary sexual views," he pointed out.

"But I don't want to stop seeing you either." And, with a small quirk of his lips, "I'm still me. This is how I've been since before you even knew me."

Eames unclenched his hand, reaching up to run it through his hair. "I realize it's a lot to take in, too. If you need time or space, or if I can answer any of your questions to help you, I'm here. And willing to do so."

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 09:30:34 UTC
Almost automatically, "Well, I'm not "many people". Granted, I am lacking in understanding it but that doesn't mean I'll hold it against you." It just meant Arthur had research to do and further educate himself on the subject. Adding softly, his expression the same, "You're my friend, Eames, and I'd like you to be more than that... I don't have many friends so, believe me, I'm not about to hold things like that against the few I have."

He shook his head at the "need time or space" part, knowing that he wasn't going to do that to Eames - but also knew that, if anything, he needed to ask questions to better understand (because he really did want to - even if he felt unsure about asking them, not sure if they would offend or seem stupid).

After a moment, choosing his words carefully, "When you say you identify as male but your body isn't "entirely"... what do you meant by that, exactly?" Because, if Arthur were even more honest, he would comment on how he had been more than certain that he had seen a bulge in the vicinity of the crotch in Eames' pants... (Yes, there may have been times Arthur had actually looked but that wasn't a crime. Technically.)

Also he used the men's bathroom, so... The point man was finding himself a little confused.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 19:54:05 UTC
Eames was still smiling his small, pleased smile, and he said, simply, "Thank you." It was a reaction he had been hoping for. Arthur wasn't going away; Arthur wanted to learn more, and was curious about it.

If anything, it made it easier to talk to him about it. Not entirely easy, but easier.

He shifts in his seat, biting his lip slightly before he speaks. "Mentally I'm male. And that's how I want to be referred to. I've gone through surgeries like breast reduction and my hysterectomy, but the actual genital 'reconstruction' surgery seemed... well to put it mildly, painful and crude and wouldn't give me the results I wanted. So I decided to keep my original genitalia," Eames said. "It doesn't make me less of a man, I decided," he adds, almost defensively (but he tries to reign in that tone.)

And if Arthur had asked him about those things, Eames would have answered that too (that was why he tended to wear looser pants; tight pants he sometimes packed in, and that using the bathroom was what Eames was supposed to do, since he was male.)

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 20:48:52 UTC
Arthur nods and feels a heat in his cheeks as it occurs to him how Eames uses the bathroom and that there are usually stalls in men's restrooms as well as urinals. (He felt like an idiot for letting that slip his mind so easily.)

His brow still knitted slightly, "But... didn't it hurt? What you did have removed? I mean, I know you identify as male but it was all still apart of your body at one point..." His voice was softer, almost unsure sounding as he wasn't sure if such a question would be considered offensive or insulting (or even prying).

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triedinception September 8 2011, 20:54:40 UTC
(Eames would have to tell Arthur about the wonders of stand-to-pee devices; Eames didn't always use one, but he had one all the same for when he wanted to.)

Eames runs his hand over his mouth now, thinking of how to answer it. (Arthur had made the question fairly nonoffensive; 'a part of your body' and not 'a part of you' or 'but you were a girl.')

"The recovery process was a bit interesting, but they weren't ever actually painful. It was a bit like getting a weight off my chest literally," he says with a small laugh. "I felt more comfortable in my body."

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littlspecificty September 8 2011, 21:09:09 UTC
Arthur felt his lips quirk at that, nodding, "I remember hearing that whenever I did come across the subject. That that was usually the driving force for going through such procedures: for people to feel comfortable in their own bodies like they never had been able to before."

And then, "So, your parents supported it?" Arthur knew that when it came to parents and their child's gender identity, it could go either one of two ways (supportive or not). Incidentally, from Arthur's experience when he was younger, their child's sexual orientation usually brought out the same set of reactions.

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triedinception September 8 2011, 21:16:13 UTC
"You've hit the nail on the head essentially there," Eames said, and then sighed.

"My father wasn't around to have an opinion on it. My mother was supportive, however - bless her heart, I've heard many a horror story where it went the other way. She actually paid for most of the procedures."

When Eames had gone AWOL and was unable to contact her, he'd made sure that the cost of the surgeries had ended up back in her bank account, at least. It was very little repayment for all the support she'd given him but it was something.

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