I heart Tam
I've been either too mad with class work or the blues to write though I've had stuff to share. Thanksgiving was both a small blessing and a test of endurance.
Today was a special day. One of those days that touches your soul in a way that lets you know both that you are connecting with people and that there is goodness in the world. Hoping to pick up a few hours b4 the quarter ends I rang up my immediate boss and asked about coming in. I wasn't sure what she had planned or even in what capacity I'd be coming into the Queer Ctr as a trip to the bargain bin, something we've been trying to do for a few weeks, was mentioned. Turned out our big boss was later and later arriving till she confirmed she would not be in at all. Which meant no use of her car and no outing into the frigid outdoors away from the cozy heated cabin. Another favorite kindred spirit, a bad girl kind, came in and made the most amazing carrot potato soup. I know it sounds weird but it was divine. A few students came in to study and eat but for the most part we spent a really lovely day together and covered a lot of emotional ground. At one point the topic got onto the E-Z Bake Oven and I told my Christmas story. Elia and I were both tearing up as I talked about receiving one after wishing and waiting 29 years. I could barely tear the wrapping paper when the sight of the pink box sent me into paroxysms of violent sobbing. My roommates thought they'd done something horrible to me. I had quite a few moments like that today. When you feel touched emotionally. These connections and moments are more poignant for me these days. I've come to realize that what really touches me is when I'm helping someone. My immediate boss announced to me recently that she was breaking up with her girlfriend of 10 years. To complicate things they have a 4 year old child together. I keep using boss because the Japanese in me loves to delineate titles and rank and part of me fetishizes politeness and observance of it but it would be more accurate to call her my friend. I've been trying to be emotionally supportive to my friend Tam. Partly because it breaks my heart to think of my friend in such pain or anyone for that matter. But, I also feel like being so close to the process of loss, or the healing after loss, myself I can benefit others by at the very least just listening to them. In my own dark moments I didn't really know what to do so I just reached out to people. That connection, just being able to tell someone or speak to another person was meaningful in some way. I say meaningful because it would be trite to say it made me feel better. It would be more accurate to say it allowed me to endure something very uncomfortable. Like the vulnerable naked feeling of the floor being ripped out from under you. Do I fetishize pathology? Does the Mexican in me (the culture of hearsay and death and gore) love the drama of life? It was so terribly uncomfortable for me, not just Scott but all the plethora of experiences with loss, that I hate to think of my friend being in that place without any guidance. Yeah, she's a Gemini. Although quite your dominant lesbionic archetype like most of my Gemini friends, needs constant reassurance, either through negotiation or dialog aka processing. And ya'll know I am a process queen. My inner lesbian loves processing because I can never shut my mind off save for Ambien or some other pill. My boss, my friend enjoyed my company as well. I do enjoy habitating the stable dependable earthy grounded masculine role. That's the inner mother in me. I'm best when I feel needed and nurturing.
We're going to the Bargain Bin tomorrow bright and early at 9:45. If all goes well and we have use of a car. Will try and take some snapshots.
Today was a special day. One of those days that touches your soul in a way that lets you know both that you are connecting with people and that there is goodness in the world. Hoping to pick up a few hours b4 the quarter ends I rang up my immediate boss and asked about coming in. I wasn't sure what she had planned or even in what capacity I'd be coming into the Queer Ctr as a trip to the bargain bin, something we've been trying to do for a few weeks, was mentioned. Turned out our big boss was later and later arriving till she confirmed she would not be in at all. Which meant no use of her car and no outing into the frigid outdoors away from the cozy heated cabin. Another favorite kindred spirit, a bad girl kind, came in and made the most amazing carrot potato soup. I know it sounds weird but it was divine. A few students came in to study and eat but for the most part we spent a really lovely day together and covered a lot of emotional ground. At one point the topic got onto the E-Z Bake Oven and I told my Christmas story. Elia and I were both tearing up as I talked about receiving one after wishing and waiting 29 years. I could barely tear the wrapping paper when the sight of the pink box sent me into paroxysms of violent sobbing. My roommates thought they'd done something horrible to me. I had quite a few moments like that today. When you feel touched emotionally. These connections and moments are more poignant for me these days. I've come to realize that what really touches me is when I'm helping someone. My immediate boss announced to me recently that she was breaking up with her girlfriend of 10 years. To complicate things they have a 4 year old child together. I keep using boss because the Japanese in me loves to delineate titles and rank and part of me fetishizes politeness and observance of it but it would be more accurate to call her my friend. I've been trying to be emotionally supportive to my friend Tam. Partly because it breaks my heart to think of my friend in such pain or anyone for that matter. But, I also feel like being so close to the process of loss, or the healing after loss, myself I can benefit others by at the very least just listening to them. In my own dark moments I didn't really know what to do so I just reached out to people. That connection, just being able to tell someone or speak to another person was meaningful in some way. I say meaningful because it would be trite to say it made me feel better. It would be more accurate to say it allowed me to endure something very uncomfortable. Like the vulnerable naked feeling of the floor being ripped out from under you. Do I fetishize pathology? Does the Mexican in me (the culture of hearsay and death and gore) love the drama of life? It was so terribly uncomfortable for me, not just Scott but all the plethora of experiences with loss, that I hate to think of my friend being in that place without any guidance. Yeah, she's a Gemini. Although quite your dominant lesbionic archetype like most of my Gemini friends, needs constant reassurance, either through negotiation or dialog aka processing. And ya'll know I am a process queen. My inner lesbian loves processing because I can never shut my mind off save for Ambien or some other pill. My boss, my friend enjoyed my company as well. I do enjoy habitating the stable dependable earthy grounded masculine role. That's the inner mother in me. I'm best when I feel needed and nurturing.
We're going to the Bargain Bin tomorrow bright and early at 9:45. If all goes well and we have use of a car. Will try and take some snapshots.