Seperation anxiety
Kitty, Tam, Me, Denise, and the lovely Sarah
Part II
Forgive me if this sounds disjointed. I wrote Part I first. Sometime this week, I'm not even sure of the day as they all blend together. I know it wasn't Tuesday because that was the only day I felt grounded and normal. Tuesday was a bit of bliss. A gift. I came back from Santa Cruz feeling shell shocked but seeing Lonnie, my touchstone, made me feel grounded. We went from the airport to his place for a few hours nap then to the monthly bear pool party. It was a lot of fun but an alcohol drenched evening. I crossed some lines and Lonnie crossed some lines. This led to some lingering resentment. I had a hard time dealing with it and so I forced it come to a head. To get all of it out of my system. I had prolly the worst fight I've ever had with Lon. I was incredibly cruel. He begged and pleaded with me to retract the horrible things I was saying and warned me that I couldn't (like past times) just call him the following day and everything would be okey. Thats something Scott and I would do. The next day no matter what transpired, broken glass in the bed, split open bleeding foreheads, smashed artwork, it was as if all was normal. I am Lonnie's first relationship with a man. It really f**cked with his head. The gist of the matter is he's afraid of me now. I went off the deep end. I needed to see a counsellor from the center on an emergency basis. We considered and tried to get me placed into a psych hospital but were unable to find a bed. I was feeling that unstable. So, I've agreed to go in everyday this week and meet with a therapist. I exchanged at least 100 text messages with Lon yesterday. He was kind enough to tell me that he would never shut me out, that we could remain friends, he would take my calls. The thought of losing him made me a little crazy. I forget that people are scared of me because of my appearance. The real reason they should be scared of me is for my intensity. I know I'm wired differently than normal people. A social worker in Seattle pointed out to me that kids who grow up with horrific abuse don't have filters that average people have. We don't see outrageous situations or dangerous people until the volume has been turned up super high. So as it stands he asked me give him the weekend to get his head together. I'm just coping minute by minute. The desire to just curl up and sleep is strong. The sick uneasy feelings come in waves. The tears continue to flow. Separation anxiety is not helping and I obviously do not do well with it. Its one thing to lose the person you love more than all the world through no fault of your own but its entirely another to lose the person you love more than anything in the world at your hand, at my own hand.
Part I
We had our second to the last group therapy session last night and I really didn't want to attend. I had to drink some coffee to wake myself up from the depression induced sleepiness just to get myself to the bus. I have been having "issues" with Lonnie all week. I've been crying all week and fighting the depression that comes from relationship troubles and clouds every waking second. Which is something new to me. I have written previously about my inability to cry except when triggers are present. This week the tears just flowed and flowed and have not stopped. When I arrived at the center I waited out in the hall as long as I could. We have a habit of checking in inside the waiting room and it never fails to amaze me how much ground we cover in minutes. Even at 3 minutes to 7 one of the first questions asked of me was, is Lonnie coming to pick you up. We had a fight the week before and he didn't come to get me and everyone took notice. I really didn't want to share this until we were in the room but it all came out and Joe, Connie, and Dee were all incredibly supportive. When we were all in the meeting room and doing our check-in's I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one having a sh*tty week. When I talked about all the crying I'd been doing Joe commented that he'd done more crying recently than he'd done in the last year. Its a sign of our progress, our healing, that we're not so numbed. But, its also a sign of the change that has occurred in us. We feel a little more freely and emotions are more intense. My group, the facilitators included are so wonderfully loving. Part of the reaction to the relationship stuff is to withdraw, to sleep, to shut off and not to want to verbalize this stuff. Its too painful and too awkward. After my check-in one of the facilitators asked me what I would like from, what I wanted the group to do for me. I was so very touched by this and I felt at ease and safe for the first time in days and days. I told them I didn't want to be the focus of the group. I felt better or at least okay having shared about my mess of a life this week and that I just wanted to be in the presence of the group and that in itself was helpful.
After check-in's we participated in a planned activity. Fortunately the sand tray was still empty and set high on top of the toy cabinets. We were instructed to pick two items from the stacked toy bins. One item that represented where we were when we started group and one item that represented where we were today. This took about 15 or so minutes. I picked my items right away and Joe found his second. The women, Connie and Dee took much longer. Connie had a real hard time. Joe spoke first. He selected a small dejected sad looking dog with wide teary anime eyes. He talked about the first day he found himself in the waiting room when Larissa reached out to him and asked him if there was anything she could do to help him. He was profoundly touched that someone who didn't know him would reach out to him in that state of shocked grief. He expressed his gratitude to our facilitators and to the group and we all mirrored his feelings. Joe and I teared up and cried a little too but they were the kind of tears you shed when something touches your heart and moves you. I went next and for my first item I chose and unfinished unstained empty cabinet in which I'd placed a chipped red heart, a broken heart. For the item that represented me today I chose a horse poised slightly majestic with all four feet planted on the ground pausing ready to embark on a journey, ready to venture out into the world. I like these experiences. I value these experiences. Its touching and moving but also validating and empowering to look at where we've come from and the people we've become. The group experience, the group itself is a sacred space where by the very act of coming together we heal and embark on this healing journey together.
We took the last 20 minutes to talk about our expectations for the final closing session next week. Joe came up with the most beautiful idea. We were going to create a time capsule filled with whatever we chose to fill it with. After one years time we will meet to open the capsule and see where each one of us is in our journey. I decided that I would comb my journal and write about signifcant events that occured in group. Like the halloween session when we watched the episode of Buffy where her mom dies. Boy we were all shell shocked as s*it that time. We were told that we could meet at the normal time but could run over as long or as little as we wanted. We decided we would bring in food and drink. Its going to be a celebration and a graduation. I feel good about this. I feel like I can leave the group to emerge into the world with this proper send off.
Our class met at a me and Scott's favorite mexican restaurant Enriques in Long Beach. Our teacher is so nice she didn't want anyone to feel left out so she said just put in what $ you can and she would make up the difference. We spent 2 hours have the most amazing jalisco style meal together then walked over the immaculate Japanese tea gardens at Cal State Long Beach. Afterward we toured the empty art classrooms and facilities. Very exciting. At the days end everyone acknowledged my transfer to UCSC and hugged me goodbye. It was very moving and touching and although I felt happy to know each of my classmates I was a little sad as class ended for the last time.