(no subject)
I promised myself that i wouldn't resort to this. Even after losing countless nights of sleep because of the never-ending inner monolouge i was experiencing within my head. Yes. I'm writing because of relatioship problems. Although problems seems to be a problematic word in this case. I keep telling myself the same stories. That i'm cool with this, that i'm ok, that it's not a problem. But there's no denying that I am shaken by it, I'm upset, I don't like it. Here's where it started, I'll try to keep this from getting overly sweet.
I met him at a party. An old friend of mine was having a house warming party. I had just spent that afternoon in one of my favourite classes, also having just seen some amazing film as part of the indigenous film festival. So to say the least, I was feeling good, boys were the furthest thing from my mind as I strode out of that last film screening.
I talked to a bunch of guys that night. I was happy, and it was a cozy house party, I was introducing myself all over the place. Ironically I was even set up with someone earlier in the evening. It really put me off. I introduced myself to a well-meaning looking couple, and proceeded to make some stupid small talk. Just as I was about to move on from talking to them, the girl grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear "hey, you're single right?" I said yes, and she told me she had the perfect guy for me. Well, after she carted this mutual, single, guy friend of her and her boyfriend's over it was obvious that they just wanted to ditch the third wheel on someone, and that I was their worthy candidate. Hah. I guess i was flattered. Anyways, it didn't work out.
I was opening my fourth bottle of stella, and wandering around the room, making chit chat with people i bumped into, when i bumped into him. Not having taken a very good look at his face or anything, I started asking him questions about why he was wearing a bike chain around his neck. It was all very casual. And I swear I wouild have never started talking to him unless he was wearing that chain. Well, he was on his own, taking sips of whiskey from a black flask embossed with a portrait of Lenin. We talked about Bike Pirates, Organic farming, Peak oil, education reform, standardized testing, podcasts, hip hop, and a great many other things. Well I was hooked. We exchanged numbers, and he saw me to my bike outside and waved good bye as I rode off into the night.
Ick, this is getting way to romantic.
We've spent this past month together. My friends tell me i've seen way too much of him, and that things have been moving way too fast. I tell them that I've been working purely on instinct, and trying not to analyze this to death like i usually do. As of right now, I just really like him. I think it was after two weeks of seeing him, or maybe in the first week that I started getting really nervous. I was nervous that I liked him too much. Everything he would say or do. Stories he told, just reminded me of myself. And that just plain creeped me out.
The first night that I slept over in his bed I made sure he knew what was inside my head. Like I said before, I had been overthinking things like crazy. I was also concerned about sleeping with him when the relationship was so new. That if I slept beside him, if I woke up next to him, that it would make it hurt so much more when he disapears. He assured me that he wouldn't disapear that night. And sure, that night i woke up next to him, and he was still there. And last wednesday when I woke up next to him, and watched him sleep I knew I had sunk a little too deep. That i was over my head in this. Because eventually everyone disapears. And he's now gone. Of course, he's only in Illinois, back home, to make some quick cash before a job in Toronto opens up for him in december.
He left on saturday night. I took him out to dinner, and reluctantly walked him to the bus station. Shared a coffee with him in a Starbucks while he waited for his bus, and saw him off properly. I know that a month isn't a very long time to be acting like this, but I just don't have a good feeling about it. He called me last night, and when I hung up I felt sick. Maybe its because i've done these long distance things before, and that they've never worked. Or it could me that i'm still a bit shocked by him leaving. I think that when i hung up that night i felt sick. I hate this fucking recession. I fucking hate it. He told me he's been feeling pressure to be more adult, and to make a sound plan for the future. That he should be on his life path by now and all of that kind of bullshit. So i'm left feeling that this thing that i have for him, it won't last for more than a couple of months after he comes back to canada. There's no use falling this hard for someone who has the "travel bug". It's hard. but I'll be ok.
I met him at a party. An old friend of mine was having a house warming party. I had just spent that afternoon in one of my favourite classes, also having just seen some amazing film as part of the indigenous film festival. So to say the least, I was feeling good, boys were the furthest thing from my mind as I strode out of that last film screening.
I talked to a bunch of guys that night. I was happy, and it was a cozy house party, I was introducing myself all over the place. Ironically I was even set up with someone earlier in the evening. It really put me off. I introduced myself to a well-meaning looking couple, and proceeded to make some stupid small talk. Just as I was about to move on from talking to them, the girl grabbed me by the arm and whispered in my ear "hey, you're single right?" I said yes, and she told me she had the perfect guy for me. Well, after she carted this mutual, single, guy friend of her and her boyfriend's over it was obvious that they just wanted to ditch the third wheel on someone, and that I was their worthy candidate. Hah. I guess i was flattered. Anyways, it didn't work out.
I was opening my fourth bottle of stella, and wandering around the room, making chit chat with people i bumped into, when i bumped into him. Not having taken a very good look at his face or anything, I started asking him questions about why he was wearing a bike chain around his neck. It was all very casual. And I swear I wouild have never started talking to him unless he was wearing that chain. Well, he was on his own, taking sips of whiskey from a black flask embossed with a portrait of Lenin. We talked about Bike Pirates, Organic farming, Peak oil, education reform, standardized testing, podcasts, hip hop, and a great many other things. Well I was hooked. We exchanged numbers, and he saw me to my bike outside and waved good bye as I rode off into the night.
Ick, this is getting way to romantic.
We've spent this past month together. My friends tell me i've seen way too much of him, and that things have been moving way too fast. I tell them that I've been working purely on instinct, and trying not to analyze this to death like i usually do. As of right now, I just really like him. I think it was after two weeks of seeing him, or maybe in the first week that I started getting really nervous. I was nervous that I liked him too much. Everything he would say or do. Stories he told, just reminded me of myself. And that just plain creeped me out.
The first night that I slept over in his bed I made sure he knew what was inside my head. Like I said before, I had been overthinking things like crazy. I was also concerned about sleeping with him when the relationship was so new. That if I slept beside him, if I woke up next to him, that it would make it hurt so much more when he disapears. He assured me that he wouldn't disapear that night. And sure, that night i woke up next to him, and he was still there. And last wednesday when I woke up next to him, and watched him sleep I knew I had sunk a little too deep. That i was over my head in this. Because eventually everyone disapears. And he's now gone. Of course, he's only in Illinois, back home, to make some quick cash before a job in Toronto opens up for him in december.
He left on saturday night. I took him out to dinner, and reluctantly walked him to the bus station. Shared a coffee with him in a Starbucks while he waited for his bus, and saw him off properly. I know that a month isn't a very long time to be acting like this, but I just don't have a good feeling about it. He called me last night, and when I hung up I felt sick. Maybe its because i've done these long distance things before, and that they've never worked. Or it could me that i'm still a bit shocked by him leaving. I think that when i hung up that night i felt sick. I hate this fucking recession. I fucking hate it. He told me he's been feeling pressure to be more adult, and to make a sound plan for the future. That he should be on his life path by now and all of that kind of bullshit. So i'm left feeling that this thing that i have for him, it won't last for more than a couple of months after he comes back to canada. There's no use falling this hard for someone who has the "travel bug". It's hard. but I'll be ok.