(no subject)
teena, I love you. Big huh? We talked all night last night from 11 my time to 8 this morning. Eric was only in our conversation very shortly. Man. None of you could ever have any idea. I had no idea. All the things i had in my mind aren't even a miniscule part of it. I used to think i knew what a bad man was but i had a revelation last night. I love teena. She is my newfound best friend I think. She and I have so much in common. I grew my hair out for eric, me and teena both. So ceremonially we are getting it all off. We really had no idea, either of us. I asked her to come and live with me. I dont' know if she will or not but I think we both want it. Eric did things that no one will ever know or understand.
Me cutting my hair is the end of an era of my life. i smashed the ring. Teena and I both have wonderful plans for our scrapbooks. And ya know? Because of how bad things turned out tobe that we had no idea, i feel not the least bit of remorse. My mom is coming up to washington intwo weeks for my sisters graduation. She's meeting erics parents for dinner. I've asked her to ask him abotu it in front of them. I've asked her to let them know that Eric is less of a man than Jeff could ever be. In Fact i think maybe Jeff isn't given enough credit. I think he is a good guy. And if he's not, at least he admits it as teena puts it. I've never talked to anyone that long. I needed it. I needed a good friend right now that really knew what i was going through and boy does she. If anything I'm not enough for her. The things he said to her to get her into bed... she's not a whore. I was so wrong. I woudl have done the ame thing. I coudl have been duped the same way.
You know the most ironic thing about it? Warren Barcellos knew. The whole time. I swear god gave hima vision. For both of us. He knew. We both swear it. God bless Warren.
Well, My life will not waver again. I will never date again. I asked God for a huge concrete flashing light sign if i was to leave eric and you have no idea how big and obvious that signed ended up being. None. And as i told teena abotu our relationship I coudl see more and more the missed signs along the way that i dind't see just because I trusted and loved him. I have always been too gullible. Well Iknow that girls are more than susceptible to falling in tlove with him and will keep doing so. But if you have a heart spread the word of what he did to me and to the amazing woman who was his "misstress" so that maybe other girls will not innocently fall into the same trap.
I could have forgiven in for a thousand things but he continued to lie to us even while on the phone with us. He is a stoopid man that is for sure. But you know, i still love him. I woudl still be there for him if he needed me. But I'll never take him back.
Ya know what I thought was really funny?? The fact that he actually thought he coudl keep us both. He actually thought I'd be okay with that. She'd be okay with that. That he thought we'd forgive him. That we shoudl apologize to him.
Teena is confronting him this morning to ask for my fish back. I hope she does well. He is such a charmer. And once you've slept with him, he's even harder to resist. I hope he doesn't pull her in. BUt i told her a couple secrets about him no one knows that shoudl help her in her "quest"
He has no idea what he lost. In both of us. I know she says she does, and i can speak for myself but i loved him with every ounce of my being I woudl still die for him in a heartbeat and i don't think thats bad. There is a difference between hate and righteous anger and i feel completely justified and with God in how I feel. In fact, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me and i can fly. I should have done this a long time ago. I wish i had had discernment to see through it. I wish I had wanted to see through it. My life is Gods now. I will never again look for love or significance in man. I will never settle for less than I deserve again.
Ive screwed up, yes. But by no means does that mean i can't start over and be a new person. I am the new trish. With a new life and I"m taking up my mantle and following my TRUE destiny.
I considered blocking erics number. But you know? I want him to know that I'm here for him. That when the drugs are not enough (and yes he's back in drugs) when the sex isn't enough (and both of us think there are more women) then he will come to me for the one thing he is lacking in life. A PURPOSE. Because I have that. Eventhrough all my screw ups. Iknow who I am. And all of this has only made me stronger. I'm sure I will have my weak moments when the adrenaline stops pumping, but I have faith that I will hold fast to what i belvie in.
None of you can imagine the things I've gone through in mylife. Abuse, rape, being given up, and now this which i can't even put into words. Its impossible.
God give me strength. My only future is with God and I am going after him with all my heart. More than ever before. And teena is going to run the race with me. We have both fallen and eric has unflowered both christian virgin girls. And we will get a second chance.
I WAS a hypocrite. But I feel the power of god in my once again. He's talking to me ain an audible voice in my head again. its been so long. It feels so good. I want to dance and sing and shoudl want to cry. Until this morningi was crying. But when teena and i got off the phone and i curled up and started thinking on my own I was so on fire. I could feel it. My bones were leaping for joy. My heart is still leaping. Whether I ever marry or wear my mother wedding dress i don't care. I'm going to mexico. I'm going a year from now. And nothing will stop me. I have lot of preparation though. So ALL of you keep loving me!
Thanks for everything I've put you through.
Me cutting my hair is the end of an era of my life. i smashed the ring. Teena and I both have wonderful plans for our scrapbooks. And ya know? Because of how bad things turned out tobe that we had no idea, i feel not the least bit of remorse. My mom is coming up to washington intwo weeks for my sisters graduation. She's meeting erics parents for dinner. I've asked her to ask him abotu it in front of them. I've asked her to let them know that Eric is less of a man than Jeff could ever be. In Fact i think maybe Jeff isn't given enough credit. I think he is a good guy. And if he's not, at least he admits it as teena puts it. I've never talked to anyone that long. I needed it. I needed a good friend right now that really knew what i was going through and boy does she. If anything I'm not enough for her. The things he said to her to get her into bed... she's not a whore. I was so wrong. I woudl have done the ame thing. I coudl have been duped the same way.
You know the most ironic thing about it? Warren Barcellos knew. The whole time. I swear god gave hima vision. For both of us. He knew. We both swear it. God bless Warren.
Well, My life will not waver again. I will never date again. I asked God for a huge concrete flashing light sign if i was to leave eric and you have no idea how big and obvious that signed ended up being. None. And as i told teena abotu our relationship I coudl see more and more the missed signs along the way that i dind't see just because I trusted and loved him. I have always been too gullible. Well Iknow that girls are more than susceptible to falling in tlove with him and will keep doing so. But if you have a heart spread the word of what he did to me and to the amazing woman who was his "misstress" so that maybe other girls will not innocently fall into the same trap.
I could have forgiven in for a thousand things but he continued to lie to us even while on the phone with us. He is a stoopid man that is for sure. But you know, i still love him. I woudl still be there for him if he needed me. But I'll never take him back.
Ya know what I thought was really funny?? The fact that he actually thought he coudl keep us both. He actually thought I'd be okay with that. She'd be okay with that. That he thought we'd forgive him. That we shoudl apologize to him.
Teena is confronting him this morning to ask for my fish back. I hope she does well. He is such a charmer. And once you've slept with him, he's even harder to resist. I hope he doesn't pull her in. BUt i told her a couple secrets about him no one knows that shoudl help her in her "quest"
He has no idea what he lost. In both of us. I know she says she does, and i can speak for myself but i loved him with every ounce of my being I woudl still die for him in a heartbeat and i don't think thats bad. There is a difference between hate and righteous anger and i feel completely justified and with God in how I feel. In fact, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me and i can fly. I should have done this a long time ago. I wish i had had discernment to see through it. I wish I had wanted to see through it. My life is Gods now. I will never again look for love or significance in man. I will never settle for less than I deserve again.
Ive screwed up, yes. But by no means does that mean i can't start over and be a new person. I am the new trish. With a new life and I"m taking up my mantle and following my TRUE destiny.
I considered blocking erics number. But you know? I want him to know that I'm here for him. That when the drugs are not enough (and yes he's back in drugs) when the sex isn't enough (and both of us think there are more women) then he will come to me for the one thing he is lacking in life. A PURPOSE. Because I have that. Eventhrough all my screw ups. Iknow who I am. And all of this has only made me stronger. I'm sure I will have my weak moments when the adrenaline stops pumping, but I have faith that I will hold fast to what i belvie in.
None of you can imagine the things I've gone through in mylife. Abuse, rape, being given up, and now this which i can't even put into words. Its impossible.
God give me strength. My only future is with God and I am going after him with all my heart. More than ever before. And teena is going to run the race with me. We have both fallen and eric has unflowered both christian virgin girls. And we will get a second chance.
I WAS a hypocrite. But I feel the power of god in my once again. He's talking to me ain an audible voice in my head again. its been so long. It feels so good. I want to dance and sing and shoudl want to cry. Until this morningi was crying. But when teena and i got off the phone and i curled up and started thinking on my own I was so on fire. I could feel it. My bones were leaping for joy. My heart is still leaping. Whether I ever marry or wear my mother wedding dress i don't care. I'm going to mexico. I'm going a year from now. And nothing will stop me. I have lot of preparation though. So ALL of you keep loving me!
Thanks for everything I've put you through.