Ryan: Sitting Room: Alone

[tribal_ryan]

Ryan raced upstairs, past the Cafes, past everything, and straight into the bedroom he shared with Salene. Pacing first, from the sitting room to the bed, and back again, Ryan shook off the extra anger. When that had passed, he took a seat on the edge of the couch, then stood and paced to the bed, sitting on it's edge, then back again, to the edge

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[tribal_ryan]

Flinching at the weight of a hand on his back, Ryan nearly jumped up before he realized the voice whispering his name was Salene. Tensing up, he half wanted to run away and half wanted to collapse into her arms, but he did neither. He couldn't. There was no way he could leave her, or be so weak in front of her, it didn't matter if she was always there for him, he'd never be able to forget such a thing. Ryan was tough, a tough kind of guy, even if he did care very much for the people he cared about, it wasn't often he allowed himself to show this emotion. Maybe it was his military training, maybe it was just the way he'd been raised, oh Ryan didn't know.

In all of his thinking about such things, Ryan hadn't even realized he was still crying, and the worried sound in Salene's voice made him look up, sniffling, wiping the tears from his face, from the tip of his nose. Her head was pressed against his shoulder and the mere weight of it made his heart feel just a bit heavier. How could he have done that? To the Tribe, to Amber and Bray, to Salene? He could almost hear the self doubting right now, he could feel it in the weight of her against him.

"God Sal I messed everything up. I even knew that about," he paused, ashamed to even say his name, "I mean, you told me Sal, you told me everything that happened and, I just forgot. I got so mad when Lottie told me...and I just, I had," he trailed off again, covering his eyes with his left hand. "I don't..I don't know if I should stay here...Sal, cause," he stopped to hiccup air into his lungs. "Cause I can't do this, I can't be so mad and, and I can't keep hurting, everyone. Everything is wrong and nothing is the same, I, I'm crazy or something, here, I, I should just pack up my kids and," he trailed off, feeling sick creeping up from his stomach. He was a horrible person.

[_salene_]

Salene didn't move for a minute, was he really, after all of this time, after all of the promises and all they'd said, now he was going to leave her? Now he was going to walk away? Couldn't he just learn to control his temper? He couldn't even do that? Sitting up, she put her hand on his free wrist, grasping it, not letting him pull the scars away from her this time, her warm hand wrapping around it.

"No, Ryan," she'd meant to say it with a bit of a whine, but it came out firm, calm, reasonable. "You can't leave. You can't drag those kids all the way out here, get them settled into life here, then go crazy and move them back again. They won't be safe and you know it. You said yourself this was the safest place for them, and it's true," taking a deep breath, Salene let go of his wrist and wrapped her arm around his shoulders, pulling him in towards her.

When she'd gotten him to relax and put his head on her chest, she kissed his head, the soft curls of his blonde hair tickling her nose a little, and she closed her eyes and breathed in the scent of him. In the past, it would have turned her stomach, when she was pregnant, and stupid, but now it made her heart ache. He couldn't leave her, he just couldn't, and though right now she felt like throwing herself onto a bed and sobbing a fit out, she knew she had to stay strong, he needed that now.

"Ryan, listen to me," she kissed his head again and pulled his face up, "Look at me," she said calmly, waiting for his eyes to meet hers. "I love you, alright? I'm here for you, and I'm always going to watch after you. You know you did the wrong thing, that what you did wasn't right, and that you need to control your temper. You know that, and you've done it in the past, I don't see why you can't do it again, now. Right?" Her eyes searched his, drawing the answer out from inside of him, the smudged markings on his face only making him look vulnerable, needy.

Her heart was thumping with nerves, she just had to convince him of all of this, that's all there was to it. "Tell me you won't leave, Ryan, because I need you here, I need you to stay here with me, and those kids need you to stay here, with them. The Tribe needs you, the Militia needs you, and we all need you to promise that you'll work on your temper, ok? Because you can't do that again. Jay's a nice guy, and he'll forgive you I'm sure, but you can't have repeat performances. Ebony is already asking for blood, and look," before he even said it she could hear him in her head. "I know she's kind of, in the doghouse with us secretly, but in public we have to keep up appearances with her. If you're beating up her boyfriend, she's not going to take kindly to it, alright? The last thing we want is to get on her bad side, she's got a lot of influence, everywhere," Salene wasn't afraid of her, she knew Ryan wasn't either, but she also knew he'd understand what she was saying.

Pressing her lips to his forehead, Salene took another deep breath, tilting her head down so her forehead pressed against his. "Ryan I love you so much, I need you, tell me you'll stay, take it all back, please," she finally got out, unsure, in a half whine of a whisper.

[tribal_ryan]

Comfort wasn't found as easily this time, in her words, and her gestures, because Ryan had worked himself up into an emotional frenzy and he was having a hard time letting his mind hear the weight of her words. He heard it, but he wasn't listening. As she pulled his head down to her chest, he tensed up and resisted, he couldn't be weak, he had to stand firmly in what he thought he needed to do, leave. But, Ryan couldn't resist the temptation of the comfort he would find in her arms, if he would only give in.

Letting her pull him down, the tension seemed to melt out of his shoulders as his head pressed to her chest. He could hear, faintly, the air moving through her lungs, and the beat of her heart. Something about it made regret, and pain, sink in. Not regret over having come here, but regret that he'd even suggested leaving again. That heart belonged to him, hadn't he sworn allegiance to it? That he would never leave it behind, not ever again?

He was going to be a proper husband this time, and talk of abandoning his wife was not the way to go. He was just so sad, and confused, and angry with himself, on top of being upset and angry over what Lottie had been through. The fact that he was nearly helpless, unsure of what to do to help her, well, it only drove him further into the darkness he was letting his mind give into.

His eyes met hers, crystal clear blue eyes, so sure of things, so reassuring, comforting, and scared. He heard her voice, firm and calm, and he felt the truth in what she was saying with her silent, unspoken words, but he also saw the fear, afraid that he would leave her, that he would choose to give up instead of stay here with her and try. Try harder, that's what he had to do, not just for the Tribe, not just for his kids, but for his marriage, for his Salene.

Next time he felt mad he just had to, to..do..something...oh he didn't know that either, he just knew he had to stay in control and find an outlet that wouldn't hurt anyone he cared about. Punch a bag, punch a bad guy, store it all for their next physical battle and let it all go there. Course, that had led to the Guardian's death at his own hands, a thought that made him cringe inwardly, darting his eyes away. But hey, that jerk had asked for it, it was only what he deserved for the great injustices he'd served up in their world.

The pressure of her forehead against his made him close his eyes, more tears falling down his cheeks silently. The way she said it, I need you, tell me you'll stay, take it all back, please, he heard the fear now, and it broke his heart again. He tried to speak to take it all back, but as he opened his mouth, his cracked heart clenched up his words in his throat and he felt like he'd say all the wrong things. His arms wrapped around her and hugged her as best he could, letting out a ragged breath, "Sal," he squeaked out, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry, Sal, I won't leave, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it, I just, I just have to control myself," he agreed, his voice stabilizing as he said it, bringing the realization to the forefront of his mind. He sounded more sure of himself now, less weepy, and this made him feel a bit better.

"I, I wasn't like this in the woods, it's just...I don't know, it's just a lot of stuff, all at once, everything, since before I got back. It's too much, but god I love you, more than anything in this world. I'll stay, I swear, and I'll ...I'll do whatever it takes, and I'll save all of my anger for, for times we fight bad guys," it was the best he could do, between sniffles, all of it coming out kind of breathy. It was all he could promise, he was trying so hard to explain it all right, to make it all better. He had disappointed her, made her doubt things after all of his hard work this week to reassure her and he'd thrown it all out of alignment. "I'm sorry," he added again in a whisper, his face screwing up as he felt the overwhelming urge to cry more.

[_salene_]

Tears welled up in her eyes as he spoke, he sounded so heartbroken, so hurt and small, afraid and ashamed, and she couldn't help herself. Wrapping her arms around him tightly and moving closer to him, as close as she could get, crawling into his lap and hugging him, clinging to him. She turned her face away from his and rested her right cheek on his right shoulder, she'd never let him get away with ditching her, with leaving and walking away. Not this time, not ever.

The way he apologized made her sit up, letting go slightly, still sitting in his lap, and she turned his face towards her with her right hand. "It's ok Ryan," she promised him in the same whisper sound, wiping the tears from his cheek. Tilting his face, she pressed a gentle kiss to his lips, once, then twice, then again, wiping at his cheek. "I know you were upset, I understand, they all will, we'll just keep your temper in check. Whenever you feel really sad, or mad, just talk to me about it. You can always yell and scream and complain to me, I'll always listen, and," she sniffled and searched his face a bit, "and I'm glad you're not leaving," it came out in a waver, scared, nervous. She felt so cold and afraid, and she simply laid her left cheek on his shoulder, hugging him awkwardly from this direction.

"Are..are you hungry?" she asked, desperate to change the subject, to take his mind off of everything. He'd apologized, he knew it was wrong, he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. They'd understand, they'd get over it eventually. Now she just needed to calm Ryan down so he'd stop crying, so he could neaten up and show them all that he was sorry, that he was just Ryan, and he'd been upset. "You should come out to dinner, you know? Tell them? Or..or you could stay here and do it in the morning, I can bring you some dinner if you want?"

[tribal_ryan]

Holding Salene in his arms, on his lap, it felt a little weird, but at the same time, the weight of her, which wasn't all that heavy anyway, was a comfort. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her bright red strands, the smell of her shampoo coming out and for some reason that made his heart wrench. It was almost like he was making memories of her, like he would run away from this eventually. Was he lying to himself? To her? He couldn't bear it if he was, how could he be sure? Because, because you promised, and because you love her and you want this marriage, you always have, and now you have to do everything to hang onto it this time, he reminded himself, hugging her tightly.

He was calming now, the tears were drying up, his breathing was evening a little, it was washing away by the warmth he felt from her. She was so sweet, that she could love him even after this, he was horrible for making her deal with him too. She had so much to worry about, and now he was just making things harder.

She was right really, he could talk to her, he'd forgotten about that, he'd watch after her and make sure she didn't get her bulimia back, and she'd watch after him and make sure he didn't do anything really stupid. Now she'd watch after him and make sure he kept his newly flaring, over the top temper in check. He just didn't understand where it'd come from, why he was so mad and so ready to tear heads off. He had, in the past, been protective, but even now, Ryan scared himself.

"Nah, I, I don't want to eat," he told her in a deflated voice, soft, quiet, tired. "I think I just want to go to bed, is that ok, with you I mean? I guess, if you want, I can go out there, but..." Ryan frowned a bit, his eyebrows knitting together kind of, "What if, well what if we just go to bed, you and me Sal, let's just crawl under the covers and hide there til morning," yeah, that sounded like a plan. He closed his eyes again and rested his right temple against her forehead, holding her close. He never wanted to let her go again.

[_salene_]

It was quite an appealing offer, to just dive under the covers and pull them up over their heads and never come out, not until the sun showed his face again. It was something she'd often thought of doing, back when she was a Chosen and Ryan wasn't around, and after the Chosen, and she was so depressed she couldn't see straight. Then came after she got back and the Technos were here, and all she wanted to do was hide away, but knew instead that she had obligations to her Tribe to do what she could to fight back. This time, it was more appealing simply because his warm body would be there with her, something she greatly enjoyed having near, but again, she had obligations. As much as she wanted to let go, to throw them to the wind, some of them involved small children who might not understand.

She'd already tucked Mouse in, but she felt a strong obligation to getting the girls tucked in too, Willow, and Flower, and checking on Lottie again. She understood if Ryan didn't want to show his face right now, the kids probably didn't want to see him. Of course, she wouldn't tell him that, and she didn't move, simply closed her eyes and tilted her head in a bit, sighing.

"I wish I could, and I will, later, but there are things to do. I have to get the kids to bed, and I need to check on Lottie, and eat some food and tell the Tribe not to worry," her voice was small, quiet, she felt bad, but he'd made this bed, they'd just have to lay in it together. "You go ahead, I know, let's get you in bed, and I'll stay a bit, but then I really, I have to go and get ready for bed, ok?"

[tribal_ryan]

Ryan felt instant guilt, here he was being completely selfish, wanting her to stay with him and hide from the rest of the Tribe, and all she could think of was everyone else, including him. She was willing to put his kids to bed, to reassure the Tribe, and to let Ryan go on to bed so he didn't have to face the fire, even offering to cuddle him for a bit before she got back up to get the Tribe ready for bed. For two seconds he wanted to go out there and apologize, but the doubt and embarassment set in again and he just sighed. It was wrong of him to expect her to take care of his kids alone, he knew that, and Ryan wasn't afraid to face his responsibilites, but he knew it was in everyones best interest for him to go to bed. He'd just have to owe Salene, tomorrow night he'd be sure to put the kids to bed by himself, yeah, that's what he'd do, he'd give her tomorrow night off.

Patting her on the hip, Ryan kissed her forehead before he stood up, setting her on her feet, "No, don't worry about it Sal, tucking me in I mean. I'll just go on to bed, but I tell you what," he paused, turning towards her and wrapping his arms around her, hands on her hips, pulling her in a bit and gazing into her eyes. His loving, sweet Salene, how had he got on without her for so long? "How about tonight you take care of the kids and I promise, tomorrow night I'll give you the night off. Every kid that needs to be tucked in, I'll take care of it, ok? I, I'll help if you want me to, just, just say the word Sal," he nodded his head, and he meant it, but he hoped she wouldn't ask.

[_salene_]

Her smile was back as he set her on her feet and pulled her close again, for a brief moment in time all was right with her world. It fell away instantly as life interrupted and he spoke of tomorrow night and giving her the night off. Her face softened and her eyebrows went up, a sincerely touched look on her face. "Aww, that's so sweet of you Ryan," she lifted the heels of her combat boots up a bit as she administered a soft kiss to his lips. He was genuinely sweet, and though she doubted very seriously that the opportunity to take the night off would actually come, she appreciated the thought. "I'm going to hold you to that," she warned with a bit of a stern but playful look. It wouldn't hurt to try, she just wouldn't get her hopes up either.

"You go to bed then, and as soon as I can, I'll join you," she promised, giving him another couple of quick kisses before moving away from him and giving him a quick bright smile. She could do this, there was no doubt in her mind at all, she was glad to do it, an she understood. "Sweet dreams," she added, just in case she wouldn't be back before he fell off to sleep. Taking one last long look for strength, Salene turned and headed out of their room, figuring she'd check in on Lottie first.