Cloud Room/Showers/To the Meeting Room-- Jay
Jay had excused himself to the Cloud Room after the incident with Ram, trying to keep his anger in check. He hadn't been so humiliated, made to feel like such a child, since he'd left the Technos, and the fact that it had happened in front of Ram only served to fuel his anger. Ram had always delighted in keeping Jay in the dark, playing him for the fool; by the time Jay had quit, it had been obvious to everyone, including himself, that he was obsolete, a superfluous former General with no marketable skills, expendable and naive. He'd thought that he'd achieved some manner of usefulness with the Mallrats, had thought that he'd somehow managed to once again become a useful member of a team, but the scene in the lobby reminded Jay all too clearly of his true position. Jay had thought that he'd done something right in helping with Bray, but it was now painfully obvious that it had only been yet another demonstration of his own foolishness; Ved and Ram had apparently been working together for weeks without Jay's knowledge, when it was his job to know such things, and his naivety had put Bray in serious danger. How could any of the Mallrats take him seriously when he was so obviously incapable of even keeping track of his little brother? Or my girl, he thought bitterly; Ebony had been vanishing more and more frequently during the past week, and Jay knew her well enough to know that that meant something was probably going on of which he was not aware. She didn't seem to want to tell him anything anymore, and Jay was increasingly concerned that he was being slowly phased out yet again, on a much more personal level this time. If even his lover didn't think it important to keep him informed...
He had also thought that his experience as the former Head of Techno Security, in addition to his extensive physical training, would merit some form of influence with Siva's militia; Jay had hoped that in protecting the Mall, from both external and internal threats, he could find some sense of usefulness. He had volunteered frequently to guard Bray, had been instrumental in bringing him into custody when he had put Amber's baby at risk, but if Salene didn't even trust him enough to let him help to protect her from, of all people, Ram, then he clearly was disposable in this regard as well. And what, exactly, constituted overstepping Salene's authority? Had she seen his work with Bray as an act of subversion as well? Was it only when they were dealing with an external threat? Or was his help with security fully unwelcome in addition to being unasked for?
Jay pulled off his shirt, and angrily lowered himself to the floor. As always when faced with such thoughts, he lost himself in physical exercise for a long time, running through some of less space-demanding old training exercises he'd done with the Technos, in addition to several lengthy sets of pushups and crunches. He could have gone to the Gym, he supposed, but for now, Jay wanted to stay exactly where he was, where there was much less of a chance of someone interrupting him. He focused on the feeling of his muscles moving, on the feeling of raw strength that it gave him, and tried not to dwell on the feeling of uselessness that was increasingly filling him. He heard the breakfast crowd come and go outside, and did not stop, his body beginning to shimmer with sweat as he pushed himself ever farther. There was the sound of new children's voices, and he did not stop, going through his exercises as intently if they were the only thing in the world of any importance. He didn't want to see the Mallrats right now, didn't want to play the fool for anyone at the moment. Perhaps it was cowardly of him to lock himself away like this, but Jay greatly preferred to keep to himself when he was feeling angry; it would do no good to lose his temper with anyone, and it would do no good to sulk around others. Only when his body was too wonderful sore to do another set of anything, when his muscles were burning too furiously to be ignored, did Jay allowed himself to stop, sitting down on the edge of the bed and eating his last remaining T-bar.
The Mall was his home, he thought, pushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead, and he wanted to do something to help it. It wasn't so much about proving his worth to anyone, although Jay would be lying if he said that the lack of respect he'd seen downstairs hadn't stung; he truly wanted to do something to contribute to the Mallrats' safety and well-being. They'd been good to him, they'd taken him in and forgiven him, and he owed them something for it. Something besides helping Ram gain access to Bray, he thought, angrily. Jay had never been good at simply standing in the background and doing nothing when there were clearly things that needed done; he had a strong work ethic and a deep desire to do something for the people he loved and the city he lived in. And this feeling of uselessness... He couldn't abide by it.
Jay got to his feet, grabbing a clean set of clothes (results of his trip into town with Ebony, he remembered, trying not to dwell on it), his soap, toothbrush, and markings kit before heading out of the room. There were people in the second kitchen, and Trudy and Amber were sitting in the Meeting Area, but they were all the way on the other side of the floor, and Jay found it easy to walk the short distance without making eye contact with anyone. The Mall seemed considerably noisier than usual, he noticed, as he fetched a towel and locked himself in one of the back showers. He washed quickly, his motions mechanical and efficient, and considered what he could do to help out. There was the clinic, and Jay enjoyed volunteering there, but he was no doctor, and there had to be other things that would put his skills to better use. He rinsed, then dried himself off and pulled on clean clothes. He brushed his teeth and redid his markings, finding them much easier to execute now that the circular "T" marking was gone, and then took his dirty clothes to the laundry and headed back to his room to drop off his soap and toothbrush. When there was no avoiding it any longer, he headed out of the Cloud Room and walked towards the Cafe, passing by the Meeting Room.
He had also thought that his experience as the former Head of Techno Security, in addition to his extensive physical training, would merit some form of influence with Siva's militia; Jay had hoped that in protecting the Mall, from both external and internal threats, he could find some sense of usefulness. He had volunteered frequently to guard Bray, had been instrumental in bringing him into custody when he had put Amber's baby at risk, but if Salene didn't even trust him enough to let him help to protect her from, of all people, Ram, then he clearly was disposable in this regard as well. And what, exactly, constituted overstepping Salene's authority? Had she seen his work with Bray as an act of subversion as well? Was it only when they were dealing with an external threat? Or was his help with security fully unwelcome in addition to being unasked for?
Jay pulled off his shirt, and angrily lowered himself to the floor. As always when faced with such thoughts, he lost himself in physical exercise for a long time, running through some of less space-demanding old training exercises he'd done with the Technos, in addition to several lengthy sets of pushups and crunches. He could have gone to the Gym, he supposed, but for now, Jay wanted to stay exactly where he was, where there was much less of a chance of someone interrupting him. He focused on the feeling of his muscles moving, on the feeling of raw strength that it gave him, and tried not to dwell on the feeling of uselessness that was increasingly filling him. He heard the breakfast crowd come and go outside, and did not stop, his body beginning to shimmer with sweat as he pushed himself ever farther. There was the sound of new children's voices, and he did not stop, going through his exercises as intently if they were the only thing in the world of any importance. He didn't want to see the Mallrats right now, didn't want to play the fool for anyone at the moment. Perhaps it was cowardly of him to lock himself away like this, but Jay greatly preferred to keep to himself when he was feeling angry; it would do no good to lose his temper with anyone, and it would do no good to sulk around others. Only when his body was too wonderful sore to do another set of anything, when his muscles were burning too furiously to be ignored, did Jay allowed himself to stop, sitting down on the edge of the bed and eating his last remaining T-bar.
The Mall was his home, he thought, pushing his sweaty hair back from his forehead, and he wanted to do something to help it. It wasn't so much about proving his worth to anyone, although Jay would be lying if he said that the lack of respect he'd seen downstairs hadn't stung; he truly wanted to do something to contribute to the Mallrats' safety and well-being. They'd been good to him, they'd taken him in and forgiven him, and he owed them something for it. Something besides helping Ram gain access to Bray, he thought, angrily. Jay had never been good at simply standing in the background and doing nothing when there were clearly things that needed done; he had a strong work ethic and a deep desire to do something for the people he loved and the city he lived in. And this feeling of uselessness... He couldn't abide by it.
Jay got to his feet, grabbing a clean set of clothes (results of his trip into town with Ebony, he remembered, trying not to dwell on it), his soap, toothbrush, and markings kit before heading out of the room. There were people in the second kitchen, and Trudy and Amber were sitting in the Meeting Area, but they were all the way on the other side of the floor, and Jay found it easy to walk the short distance without making eye contact with anyone. The Mall seemed considerably noisier than usual, he noticed, as he fetched a towel and locked himself in one of the back showers. He washed quickly, his motions mechanical and efficient, and considered what he could do to help out. There was the clinic, and Jay enjoyed volunteering there, but he was no doctor, and there had to be other things that would put his skills to better use. He rinsed, then dried himself off and pulled on clean clothes. He brushed his teeth and redid his markings, finding them much easier to execute now that the circular "T" marking was gone, and then took his dirty clothes to the laundry and headed back to his room to drop off his soap and toothbrush. When there was no avoiding it any longer, he headed out of the Cloud Room and walked towards the Cafe, passing by the Meeting Room.