God where do I start?
The number one reason I am here is because I love writing. (I love writing about the weird thoughts that come to my head, and I need a place to put them down because they can't stay put.) A part of me wishes I could write a novel, but that's an ambitious goal- I just want to write what come to my mind as it happens. Kind of like breaking an egg and cooking it, putting it on a sandwich and enjoying it. It's all in the moment. You don't need to outline and plan anything. Sometimes you want life to be fun, and processing thoughts and emotions is kind of fun this way.
Weird? Yeah but whatever. Besides, I want changes in my life. Not so much changes as.. directions. More like.. motivations. Like.. I have things I'd like to do, and most of them are ambitious (I mean, it's my flaw. That's why 96% of my projects I never finish). But my goal is to finish one. Make an app. Maybe even write a book. But start with a short story. And a tiny app. Well at least a small one. This is a place to get a creative stew going and pushing these ideas forward.
Hopefully I am not alone in this regard, I mean, how many people are there out there that want to do something, a creative project of some sort? Gotta be tons. But there are always things in the way.
Writing helps release those things. Remove those barriers. I don't know why. Creativity is such a force, and writing these words is making me feel more free than I have in years in this creative regard. It's strange. Is stream of consciousness a healing thing? Maybe it is.. Anyway.
Items to note that I hadn't blogged before that were totally blog-worthy:
Caps win the Stanley Cup! 2018 is the best year.
Nats win the World Series! 2019 is the second best year.
Avengers Endgame may be my favorite movie of all time. At least it is satisfying and epic in so many ways.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi is amazing. Too bad the other two weren't quite as much. But hey, Rogue One was quite solid.
What's that book I love? The Name of the Wind. Yes, frantic poetry, a masterpiece of writing. Whatever words fit it, go with it and get this book. It's funny it's quite polarizing in the reviews. But rarely have I found a book to be so eloquently readable and mesmerizing.
I haven't changed much, even though I have. It's hard for me to talk about certain things because they are so personal. I used to open up so much on here, but there is so much more I am learning. About me, about us. It's wonderful and amazing and sometimes scary, and we always get through it. It's a tier or level of journey higher than I've ever been on before and it is totally worth it, and in some ways I didn't have to change to find this journey. In other ways I definitely did.
I used to think about loss a lot. Losing, failing. I guess I felt like a loser, someone who could never get over the hump or even have one small victory. It was quite frustrating, though the feeling of having a prize just over the next hill seems quite real and tantalizing. I didn't know if life was taunting me or if I was myself, I felt like I was going in circles, stuck in a loop. I was tired of it, and it all came back to anxiety and low self-esteem. I hated it.
I spent a lot of time explaining it with OCD and thought loops and obsessions and focusing and emotion and whatever. Every revelation was a step in overcoming it, or at least expressing it, because apparently there was a lot to express, a lot of energy behind my calm and quiet exterior. Perhaps that is what I wanted people to know, perhaps that is what I wanted to know. That there was so much going on, how could I just be at peace? Is my personality inherently an anxious energetic always thought-provoking and continuing and branching one? Is there no place for me in this landscape of valley and hills where the prize is actually attainable? Yes, in fact.
And I got here (still going) by exploring multiple avenues, not going to either extreme, saving some time for me doing random things even if I wasn't going froward in my journey, it felt like a waste of time but I wanted to do it anyway, and eventually I found one hill that had a very unique soul who saw me for who I was in ways I didn't imagine. A soul who is compassionate, thoughtful, funny, courageous, and one who challenges me to be my best self.
And now we navigate the hills and valleys together. Like two videogame characters (I had a dream about that early on). It reminds me of the Hill of Tara in Ireland.
Actually, I want to go to Scotland... maybe we will one day.
Oh, Coronavirus! Speaking of blog-worthy topics. But I don't want to oversaturate the market on what the news has a monopoly on. Save that for another entry..