Epictetus (#17): Avoid self-conceit. Stop jabbering, look, and listen.
microredrose criticized my letter to some flaky friends as too harsh, saying, like Epictetus, to "accept events as they occur" and focus to what you can control. I appreciate why she says this, and I know it mirrors Epictetus in a way. But I told her that quality and intimacy of friendships are more important to me than quality. Yes, I could just "accept" rude and careless behavior from so-called "friends," but lowering our standards for a relationship too much will also decrease intimacy, trust, and quality of the relationship.
I also said:Part of this is to get rid of people who don't want to have the level of closeness with me that I am hoping for. I don't need any more superficial friends and acquaintances. These are a dime a dozen.
Friendship, like all relationships, are based on trust. You are asking me to tolerate a routine violation of trust. Sorry, but deep and solid relationships cannot be built on flaky behavior.
It's a wakeup call, to separate the quality friends from the fair-weather, slacker friends. People need to either change or our relationship will slowly fade away.
While I may not be able to change people, I can set limits on how long I will tolerate lateness and flakiness. I can clearly let them know, in advance, how I will respond if they behave badly. That way, there are no surprises, arguments, or fuss when I actually follow through on what I say.
However, maybe she is right and I am wrong. Let's see how people react to my letter.
Continuing my talk about the Greek Stoic philosophy of Epictetus, this advice applies directly to me, as a guy who blogs way too much. I acknowledge my ignorance and am aware that I clog your computer screens too often...
The First Step (p. 86-88)
...[R]elinquish self-conceit. See the delusional folly in being a nervous know-it-all whose giddy mind is always prattling on about its knee-jerk impressions of events and other people, forcing current experiences into previously formed categories.
[Ha! This is exactly what bloggers do!]
Behold the world fresh---as it is, on its own terms---through the eyes of a beginner. To know that you do NOT know and to be willing to admit that you do not know without sheepishly apologizing is real strength and sets the stage for learning and progress in any endeavor.
The wisest among us appreciate the natural limits of our knowledge and...preserve their naiveté....There is no such thing as conclusive, once-and-for-all knowledge. The wise do not confuse information or data...with comprehensive knowledge or transcendent wisdom. They say things like "Hmmm" or "Is that so!" a lot. Once you realize how little we do know, you are not so easily duped by fast-talkers, splashy gladhanders, and demagogues. Spirited curiosity is an emblem of the flourishing life.
Arrogance is the banal mask for cowardice; but far more important, it is the most potent impediment to the flourishing life. Clear thinking and self-importance cannot logically exist. Humanity has no inherent pecking order, despite outward appearance. Everyone in this world is important. If you really want peace of mind and success in your endeavors, forgo self-importance.
Conceit is an iron gate that admits no new knowledge, no expansive possibilities, nor constructive ideas. Indulging in excessive pride in your own knowledge, abilities, or experiences and attempting to take on more power and authority than is your due is fatal. Such preening not only alienates others, since an overbearing lout is suffocating to be around, but also leads to complacency, precluding change....You keep running around in the same familiar circles; you get caught in the same sticky webs. Nothing novel or festive ever happens.
Stop jabbering like a magpie. Notice what's ACTUALLY happening, not just what you THINK is happening or WISH were happening. Look and Listen.
[My landlord is a fantastic, highly sensitive listener. She will remember things I said 4-5 months ago, and she'll hold me to them! That's how she got to be Vice President for various companies.]
To do anything well you must have the humility to bumble around a bit, to follow your nose, to get lost, to goof. Have the courage to try an undertaking and possibly do it poorly. Unremarkable lives are marked by the fear of not looking capable when trying something new.
New experiences are meant to deepen our lives and advance us to new levels of competence; they are not meant to be used by the self-important as fodder for shoring up their previously adopted views and conclusions.
Important knowledge and personal guidance dwell in unexpected places....[G]uard yourself lest you become vainglorious and uncritically smug.
The legitimate glow of satisfaction at accomplishing a hard-won WORTHY goal should not be confused with arrogance, which is characterized by self-preoccupation and lack of interest in the feelings or affairs of others.
[From The Art of Living by Sharon Lebell. Buy ($9) and listen to an abridged version of Sharon's book (90 min.)
It's a loose paraphrase of The Enchiridion and The Discourses, by Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus. Listen free to full Enchiridion, read aloud (52 min).
Read all my Epictetus posts.]
I also said:Part of this is to get rid of people who don't want to have the level of closeness with me that I am hoping for. I don't need any more superficial friends and acquaintances. These are a dime a dozen.
Friendship, like all relationships, are based on trust. You are asking me to tolerate a routine violation of trust. Sorry, but deep and solid relationships cannot be built on flaky behavior.
It's a wakeup call, to separate the quality friends from the fair-weather, slacker friends. People need to either change or our relationship will slowly fade away.
While I may not be able to change people, I can set limits on how long I will tolerate lateness and flakiness. I can clearly let them know, in advance, how I will respond if they behave badly. That way, there are no surprises, arguments, or fuss when I actually follow through on what I say.
However, maybe she is right and I am wrong. Let's see how people react to my letter.
Continuing my talk about the Greek Stoic philosophy of Epictetus, this advice applies directly to me, as a guy who blogs way too much. I acknowledge my ignorance and am aware that I clog your computer screens too often...
The First Step (p. 86-88)
...[R]elinquish self-conceit. See the delusional folly in being a nervous know-it-all whose giddy mind is always prattling on about its knee-jerk impressions of events and other people, forcing current experiences into previously formed categories.
[Ha! This is exactly what bloggers do!]
Behold the world fresh---as it is, on its own terms---through the eyes of a beginner. To know that you do NOT know and to be willing to admit that you do not know without sheepishly apologizing is real strength and sets the stage for learning and progress in any endeavor.
The wisest among us appreciate the natural limits of our knowledge and...preserve their naiveté....There is no such thing as conclusive, once-and-for-all knowledge. The wise do not confuse information or data...with comprehensive knowledge or transcendent wisdom. They say things like "Hmmm" or "Is that so!" a lot. Once you realize how little we do know, you are not so easily duped by fast-talkers, splashy gladhanders, and demagogues. Spirited curiosity is an emblem of the flourishing life.
Arrogance is the banal mask for cowardice; but far more important, it is the most potent impediment to the flourishing life. Clear thinking and self-importance cannot logically exist. Humanity has no inherent pecking order, despite outward appearance. Everyone in this world is important. If you really want peace of mind and success in your endeavors, forgo self-importance.
Conceit is an iron gate that admits no new knowledge, no expansive possibilities, nor constructive ideas. Indulging in excessive pride in your own knowledge, abilities, or experiences and attempting to take on more power and authority than is your due is fatal. Such preening not only alienates others, since an overbearing lout is suffocating to be around, but also leads to complacency, precluding change....You keep running around in the same familiar circles; you get caught in the same sticky webs. Nothing novel or festive ever happens.
Stop jabbering like a magpie. Notice what's ACTUALLY happening, not just what you THINK is happening or WISH were happening. Look and Listen.
[My landlord is a fantastic, highly sensitive listener. She will remember things I said 4-5 months ago, and she'll hold me to them! That's how she got to be Vice President for various companies.]
To do anything well you must have the humility to bumble around a bit, to follow your nose, to get lost, to goof. Have the courage to try an undertaking and possibly do it poorly. Unremarkable lives are marked by the fear of not looking capable when trying something new.
New experiences are meant to deepen our lives and advance us to new levels of competence; they are not meant to be used by the self-important as fodder for shoring up their previously adopted views and conclusions.
Important knowledge and personal guidance dwell in unexpected places....[G]uard yourself lest you become vainglorious and uncritically smug.
The legitimate glow of satisfaction at accomplishing a hard-won WORTHY goal should not be confused with arrogance, which is characterized by self-preoccupation and lack of interest in the feelings or affairs of others.
[From The Art of Living by Sharon Lebell. Buy ($9) and listen to an abridged version of Sharon's book (90 min.)
It's a loose paraphrase of The Enchiridion and The Discourses, by Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus. Listen free to full Enchiridion, read aloud (52 min).
Read all my Epictetus posts.]