(no subject)
This is me bored,
and trying not think about the parents fighting,
syney being all S.O.L,
and whatnot.
First time she's ever called you know who "the man i live with"
s'whyi usually call him.
fuck...whatever
So, quote time!
the ramble later, maybe.
Willow: Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.
Tara: It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her?
Willow: Run. Flee. Maybe skedaddle.
Willow: What?
Tara: You said recon. You're, like, cool monster-fighter.
Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.
Willow: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five."
Tara: Five-by-five? Five what by five what?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
Faith: Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
Joyce: I promise.
Faith: Okay. How do I look?
Joyce: Psychotic.
Faith: Hmmm, I was shooting for sultry, but hey...
Faith: You're thinking, "You'll never get away with this!" Warm?
Joyce: Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
Faith: That a fact?
Joyce: More like a bet.
Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age.
Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?
Faith: Thought I'd got to the clean marine, didn't you? He's a cutie. Looks like he could use a good roll in the sack.
Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.
Faith: He's probably just never tried it.
Willow: The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second.
Willow: We'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her.
Tara: She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the "you liking her" factor.
Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant.
Buffy-in-Faith: Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Giles: Really?
Buffy-in-Faith: Really.
Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.
Faith-in-Buffy: Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety, unless they've got fangs.
Giles: Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!
Riley: Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a... sex way.
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Spike: I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens.
Buffy: Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?
Anya: And when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?
Buffy: This is the meeting.
Willow: This is the meeting?
Riley: These spells...these really work? I mean...can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or...learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right. You can't just go...librum incendere and expect...[sets the book on fire]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Buffy: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean...
Xander: Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you.
Anya: So, you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
Xander: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?
Tara: So, he's, um, bridging the gap between the races.
Willow: Huh. Like Martin Luther King.
Giles: As much as I long for a good kegger, I have other plans. The Espresso Pump.
Tara: What are you doing there?
Giles: I'm, um, it's a meeting of grown-ups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot.
Willow: They're probably goin' to...
Giles: Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend University in the Mesozoic Era, I do remember what it's like.
Spike: Grrr!
Anya: Aaahh!
Spike: Oh, it's you.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!
Spike: Hey, yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money.
Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
Spike: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
Anya: Oh, well, now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine.
Spike: Grrrr!
Anya: Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!
Spike: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. Get me mad again.
Anya: Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money?
Spike: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. Plus, you know, funny - watching the little humans quail.
Anya: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless.
Spike: Look who's talking. I don't see droopy-boy on your arm. Did he have better things to do?
Xander: Is it me? Am I the crazy one?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Absolutely.
Willow: Hey, Buffy? This might be a good time to mention that someone so not me spilled something purpley on your new peasant top, which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Huh? What about my peasant top?
Willow: Nothing.
Xander: Anya, what are you doing with him?
Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.
Willow: Ghost boy, drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.
Xander: Ummm…could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is...pleasant.
Xander: What?
Willow: Oh come on. He is kinda sexy.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please.
Tara: We implore you...be still.
Giles: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage.
Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past...and uh...get over it.
Tara: Do you like cats?
Willow: I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats.
Willow: You mean it'd be sort of like a familiar?
Tara: Actually, I was thinking it would be sort of like a pet. You know, we could name her Trixie, or Miss Kitty Fantastico or something.
Tara: I want my room to be Willow-friendly.
Tara: So, I'm excited about the Scooby meeting. I think. What's it about?
Willow: I'm not sure. Probably just your garden-variety disaster.
Buffy: My kill-count's way down.
Willow: She means there's been less bad-guy activity.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!
Riley: We got demons coming out our ears.
Willow: That's a metaphor.
Tara: I got it, thanks.
Willow: I'm overhelping, aren't I?
Willow: When did you get back?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
Oz: Yeah. Sorry.
Oz: I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy.
Willow: No. No new guy.
Willow: Well, I believe a manly-sized breakfast is in order, don't you?
Oz: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.
Buffy: Wait. Last night was a wolf-moon, right?
Willow: Yup.
Buffy: Either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or...
Willow: No kink.
Buffy: Okay, I'm all with the whoo-hoo, here, and you're not.
Willow: No, there's "whoo," and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh" and "why now?" And it's complicated.
Buffy: Why complicated?
Willow: It's complicated... because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh.
Tara: You have to be with the person you love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean...?
Willow: I mean. Okay?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now.
Tara: Right now?
(awwwww!)
Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as ... really difficult pie.
Willow: I am a whiz.
Tara: She is a whiz.
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.
Buffy: Are you drunk?!
Giles: Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
Xander: Just because you're better than us, doesn't mean you can be all superior.
Xander: Tara's your girlfriend!!??
Giles: Bloody hell!
Willow: It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information.
Tara: I don't know if "yippee" is the right response, either. Read that.
Xander: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
Willow: Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander: Actually, I pushed "defrost", but Joyce was there in the clinch.
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.
Tara: Things aren't going very well.
Willow: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?
Buffy: Mom?
Joyce: Oh, hi honey.
Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?
Joyce: I'm guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?
All: Yeah!
Joyce: Xander?
Xander: Yes, what, Joyce? Uh, Buffy's mom?
Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
Willow: Xand? What if somebody had a secret and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone.
Xander: Newsflash, Will. Everybody knows.
Willow: This isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very very naughty.
Dawn: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter.
Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.
Dawn: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
Willow: Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?
Buffy: But Giles said that it just was...
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.
Anya: Crap! Look at this-- now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Willow: And this will be your hallway and we'll walk down this hall and say "La La, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander? I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe.
Willow: Aw, poor Buffy's brain.
Joyce: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up.
Willow: What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it.
Joyce: I feel silly lying here like a lump.
Willow: You can make a game out of it. A very quiet game about being a lump.
Spike: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Only three.
Spike: Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
Tara: How'd you do that with the light?
Willow: Oh, you know, you taught me.
Tara: I taught you a teeny tinkerbell light.
Willow: Okay, so I tinkered with the tinkerbell.
Harmony: Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers.
Spike: What?! Yes, I can.
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away
Buffy: What are you doing here. Five words or less.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk…Bitch.
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory. It goes where you're the one who's not my sister 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: It explains your fashion sense. And smell.
Giles: Come up with anything yet?
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's...but, I think I want me to have it.
Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know...the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: Bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
Donny: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.
Mr. MaClay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.
Spike: Oww!!
Willow: Hey! Hey...
Tara: He hit my nose!
Willow: And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.
Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.
Tara: I'm not a demon.
Willow: You're not a demon.
Tara: He hurt my nose.
Willow: Aw.
Spike: Yeah, you're welcome.
(aw)
Dawn: Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.
Xander: What's with the hand wave? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?
Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo!"
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
Willow: [whispers] Ask him.
Xander: HEY, RILEY? WHAT'S THE [gestures] ALL ABOUT?
Riley: It means "Yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
Xander: See, now he's all mad and sarcastic.
Willow: It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants.
Buffy: I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto.
Tara: "Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs." Catchy.
Giles: Think so?
Tara: Uh-huh. In a...hard to read sort of way, but I think it's great.
Giles: Oh.
Xander: I'm just saying, I think it's rude.
Willow: I wouldn't call it rude.
Xander: Rude-ish. Rude-esque. Whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for your co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?
Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
Xander: Okay, we were supposed to hook up with Riley this morning, to take on a nest o'vamps holed up in a tomb? So we get there, and guess what? Tell him, Will.
Willow: Tomb go boom.
Xander: Yep. Captain America blowed it up real good.
Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.
Buffy: Are you kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays.
Dawn: I like the jell-o.
Joyce: Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Dawn: It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?
Buffy (to Joyce): You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.
Buffy: Waiting? Give me a break. We got tons to do.
Dawn: We have soap operas to watch, and trashy magazines to read.
Buffy: And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone can keep me busy for four hours or so.
Giles: Oh my god, what a rough night.
Willow: Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy.
Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish.
Willow: This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!
Willow: And somehow, when I was in the store, this seemed like the most important idea, and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.
Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?
Willow: Buffy, I have this for you.
Buffy: Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.
Willow: She'll be all normal all the time.
Dawn: Is that right?
Buffy: Hey, Santa doesn't lie.
Willow: You know what's weird?
Tara: Japanese commercials are weird.
Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars.
Willow: What time is it?
Xander: There's a clock on the wall behind you, Will.
Willow: I know - but your watch is right there above your hand.
Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this...and Buffy would chase me around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer! I'm gonna get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.
Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: That's not it at all... they just need some time to... be tender... relax...
Anya: He's not very convincing.
Dawn: Yeah, 'Alone time' always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex.'
Anya: Does that mean we can't?
Joyce: You don't think it's too obvious? I think I look like I have a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well groomed cat.
Joyce: Well that's a comfort.
Buffy: I think it's fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different wigs. You can be like - Action Mom, Sixties Mom, French Maid Mom...
Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That' generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious... Maybe we should do a holiday promotion - one free with every purchase.
Giles: Ah yes, what dear holiday memories. Joyful tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet.
Willow: Holding them close as they fall asleep, painting their tiny toenails...
Anya: Oh, yes. Very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She is newly-human and strangely literal."
Willow: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks like that.
Anya: There is nothing wrong with my idea, anyway. I have been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Anya: Fine! Take her side instead of mine. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you and bathes you!
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort of-
Giles: Please. Stop. I beg of you.
Tara: I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Unless you're English.
Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky".
Xander: Big guy? Hammer? Think I noticed him.
Willow: I wish Buffy was here.
Buffy: I'm here.
Willow: I wish for a million dollars. Just checking.
Xander: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what? Surprised by this?
Willow: Hello, gay now!
Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!
Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how!
Willow: Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!
Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!
Xander: You really dated him?
Anya: Yes.
Xander: But you like me better.
Anya: Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break us up so it's all okay.
Willow: Questions, great.
Tara: Well, we can answer questions.
Nigel: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-o-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Buffy: Look, I know mom wants to gather and make with the merry tomorrow night, but with everything going on -
Willow: -- this is exactly what you need! A twentieth birthday party with presents and funny hats and candles you can't blow out! Those used to scare me.
Tara: Me too!
Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: The usual. A big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.
Dawn: I think you're just freaking out 'cuz you have to fight someone prettier than you. That's the big crisis, isn't it?
Buffy: Dawn, Glory is powerful, evil and is no way prettier than me.
Buffy: Maybe it's time for a new tradition: birthdays without boyfriends. It can be just as fun.
Willow: Preaching to the choir, here, baby
Buffy: Poor Will. Still getting those headaches?
Willow: Fewer and further between, but...yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights.
Tara: Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells.
Willow: Well, he...he actually told you? He, he said, "I love you"?
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but...I could see the words coming.
Joyce: Honey, did you…somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.
Joyce: Better to nip this in the bud before-
Buffy: The bud nips me?
Joyce: Exactly.
Willow: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowling.
Tara: Willow's good at all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?
Anya: Oh. Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."
Tara: I go online sometimes, but...everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's... depressing.
Anya: Anyway, I took the money from working for Giles, and I tripled it.
Tara: Tripled? Like, first money, then money money money?
Anya: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
Tara: You, you can do all this stuff with a regular computer?
Anya: I'll show you. You can also see the website I designed for the magic shop. Huge photo of me.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Buffy: Mother!
Joyce: I'm joking.
Buffy: Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: I can't hear you!
Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass… Just...tryin' a little spicy talk.
Xander: How're you doing there, Will? Are you in the barf club?
Willow: I had too much nog.
Tara: Oh, baby, do you want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... stop explaining things.
Xander: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound.
Willow: He always passes me by. Something always puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
Tara: We can be strong.
Willow: Strong like an Amazon?
Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother...
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.
Willow: I want to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You had eggs, sunny side up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs…
Tara: Sassy eggs.
Buffy: Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry and we have to name them.
Dawn: Hey, I was like, five then.
Buffy: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
Dawn: Yeah. I love you too.
Buffy: I love you. Really love you.
Dawn: Gettin' weird.
Buffy: Sorry. But - it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge -
Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.
Xander: I'm gonna go find her, talk to her. If she's losing it, we need to help her before she gets herself hurt.
Tara: You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.
Willow: No!
Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to…
Buffy: Oh God.
Willow: Yikes. Imagine the things-
Buffy: No! Stop imagining! All of you!
Xander: Already got the visual.
Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and that's what we do. But you should see him naked.
Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.
Willow: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school. You know me, I'm all: 'Go school, it's your birthday'! Or something to that effect.
Willow: Sure it is! I'd totally be blowing off classes if I was in Dawnie's shoes.
Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.
Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.
Willow: Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night and I don't think I can sleep without her.
Anya: You can sleep with me. You know, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.
Anya: Piano!
Xander: Right. Piano. Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time. No, wait. That was a rocket launcher. Ahn, what are you talkin'?
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.
Giles: Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing fake tunnel on the side of a mountain. Let's keep thinking.
Spike: Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but -
Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?
Willow: Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?
Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.
Bitty Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you'll tell me again when we're older, and in chem class.
Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade...?
Dawn: And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both having frowny days.
Xander: Spike's sexbot.. Why didn't they melt this thing into scrap?
Anya: Maybe Willow wanted it.
Xander: I don't think Willow feels that way about Buffy... I mean she's gone through a lot of changes, but --
Anya: To study it.
Xander: Right. Robotics. Science.
Buffy: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.
Willow: I'm your -- I never was a gun... someone else should be the gun, I could maybe be a cudgel, or pointy stick ...
Giles: Need anything?
Willow: Could use some courage ...
[Spike's hand comes into frame, holding a flask.]
Willow: The real kind. But thanks.
Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
Tara: I thought...the big ones tire more easily...
Spike: No, that's over-the-hill shopkeepers.
Giles: I'm fine. I just need to need to...die ... for a minute...
Tara: It's Sobri root! It's supposed to confuse him but it kinda just made him peppy. It's not supposed to mix with anything -- do you think he might be taking prescription medication?
Spike: Yeah. That must be it.
Giles: Good God. What if he attempts to operate heavy machinery?!
Xander: Great googely moogely Willow you've got to quit doing that!
Willow: (O.S.) I told you I was going to get the lay of the land-
Xander: But not the lay of my brain!
Willow: I don't know. I was trying to program in some new puns and I kind of ended up with word salad.
Buffybot: I think it's funny.
Willow: Anya found that thing. For tonight.
Xander: She did? Great.
Willow: And you're her Sweet Cookie Face.
Xander: I go by many names...
Anya: He's too busy not leaving to pay attention to me. Besides, I ended up getting it on E-Bay.
Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on E-Bay?
Anya: Yeah. From this Desert Gnome in Cairo. He drove a hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for--
Xander: Excuse me. Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said 'Willow should be boss.'
Anya: And then you said 'Let's vote' and it was unanimous.
Tara: You made her that little plaque that said 'BOSS OF US,' you put on sparkles--
Xander: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. And I know we've been going in a straight line, 'cause I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Um, Xander, that's not the North Star. It's an airplane.
Xander: No, it's not an airplane. It's definitely--a blimp. But I can see how one could make that airplane mistake.
Xander: And how long have you known your girlfriend was Tinkerbell?
Dawn: It looks like they're just ... wrecking stuff. No thought other than just... destructorama.
Dawn: What?
Spike: Eh? Oh. Nothing. Just, um... Looks like fun…I'm just saying.
Xander: Tara. Nice axing.
Tara: My first.
Spike: Thank God. You scared me half to death... or more to death. I could kill you!
Dawn: Spike.
Spike: I mean it. Could rip your head off one handed and drink from your brain stem.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
Buffy: I ... Yes. I had to do that.
Spike: Done it myself.
Tara: How'd he take it?
Willow: Um. I'm not sure. Glad, but ... kinda weirded out, you know? Which I get. Lots of "dear lords…" I think I actually heard him cleaning his glasses.
Tara: Maybe we dreamed it.
Willow: Right. Right. Wrong….Different brains.
Dawn: If we get to pick, I say we go with the Small Bone-Eaters.
Anya: That just means they prefer eating things with little bones. Like you.
Anya: Did I look like that? I hope I didn't look like that.
Willow: No, I'm sure you looked really glamorous cutting up your face.
Willow: Think of it like, the world doesn't like you getting something for free. We asked for this huge gift -Buffy - and the world said, fine. If you get that, you have to take this too ... and it made the demon.
Anya: Technically, that's not a price. That's a gift with purchase.
Xander: I did not send the demon -- I was possessed! The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation-
Anya: Great. So now what? We can only talk in anti-demon secret code?
Xander: Good-gay idea-yay, An-ya-ay
Dawn: Stop talking in wrong Pig Latin and drive! Buffy's in trouble!
Dawn: Huh. That's probably the sort of thing I'm not s'posed to see, right?
Dawn: Are you okay?
Buffy: I'm going to start charging people money to ask me that.
Buffy: I wanted a little time alone.
Spike: Oh. Right then...
Buffy: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.
Willow: Uh, Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?
Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.
Dawn: So, what do we do?
Buffy: Easy. We burn the house to the ground, collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Anya: Spider Man does.
Dawn: He does not!
Anya: Does too.
Dawn: Does n ... Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.
Willow: Okay - let me make you mad again. Ready? Um, um... Last semester? I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib…To cover up my sleazy affair with Angel.
Willow: You're right. The Magicks I used are incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.
Dawn: No chance I'll have to quit school and work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?
Giles: A poorly-ventilated ... What have you been reading?
Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. But, then again, you knew that.
Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like, introduction to pies, or maybe advanced walking.
Jonathan: Stop touching my magic bone!
Warren: Wha, uh, what'd you do, enchant the hand thing?
Jonathan: Uh, well, not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. Maybe I shoulda done more.
Andrew: Like what?
Jonathan: I don't know. Like make her kind of itchy?
Anya: Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked.
Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren: Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.
Buffy: Life is stupid.
Spike: You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
Buffy: Are there drinks in your world?
Spike: Come on, someone's gotta stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it! What, you thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
Andrew: The Slayer touched you.
Jonathan: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists
Dawn: So, what are you supposed to be?
Anya: An angel.
Dawn: Oh. Shouldn't you have wings?
Anya: On no. This is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings. We just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
Anya: But you get to dress up and play games. Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work called Shiver Me Timbers. Ever heard of it?
Anya: How about you? Ever played?
Tara: Not really one for the timber.
Buffy: Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory. Much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.
Willow: Hey, we were just getting our dance on.
Willow: It's where I'd be if I were 15 and on the lam.
Tara: Really?
Willow: Well, not me at 15. Cause, hello? Spaz.
Buffy: So did anybody... last night, did anybody um... burst into song?
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!
Giles: Well, I sang but I had my guitar at the hotel...
Tara: It was bizarre. We were talking and then it was like-
Buffy: Like you were in a musical!
Giles: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.
Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing.
Anya: And we were arguing and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and the dance with coconuts.
Willow: There was an entire verse about the cous-cous.
Xander: It was very disturbing.
Tara: Those boys really thought I was hot?
Willow: Entirely!
Tara: Oh, my god... I'm cured! I want the boys!
Spike: Oh. So that's all. You just come to pump me for information.
Buffy: What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?
Dawn: Math. It seemed cooler when we were singing about it.
Dawn: So you're like a good demon? Bringing the fun in?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse.
Spike: Strong. Someday he'll be a real boy.
Buffy: So... Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
Willow: We didn't wanna know. We were so selfish. I was so selfish.
Xander: Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's ... too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive, so, me glad.
Tara: Not to be Miss Psycho Pep Squad, but we have got to stop obsessing about what we did and start trying to make things better for Buffy.
Anya: I'm with Miss Psycho Pep Squad.
Xander: Ah, we need to spend more time with her, just hang out. Maybe have ... weekly dinners over here, or, uh ... a book club. Short books. Videos.
Willow: Thanks for the jacket. It's cold out there.
Xander: Not a problem, the cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.
Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me ... Joan.
Dawn: Ugh!
Buffy: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name?
Dawn: No! I just ... I mean, it's so blah. Joan?
Buffy: I like it. I feel like a Joan.
Giles: Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you.
Giles: What did I do?
Spike: There's always something.
Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
Spike: Vampires!
Tara: Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.
Willow: What did you just do?
Buffy: I don't know. But it was COOL!
Buffy: I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something!
Buffy: All right. You work on that then. We need to go. Ready, Randy?
Spike: Ready, Joan.
Buffy: You're a vampire!
Spike: How can you say - I, me, a vampire? No.
Buffy: Check the lumpies. And the teeth.
Buffy: I kill your kind.
Spike: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?
Dawn: How are you?
Willow: A little confused. I mean, I'm ... all sweaty ... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire...And I think I'm kinda gay.
Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Anya: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all, 'la la la!' with, with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. Is this that thing I do that you were commenting-
Spike: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.
Spike: Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.
Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she- Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
Dawn: Are you kidding? It was like a meat party in my mouth. Okay, now I'm just a kid, and even *I* know that came out wrong
Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
Spike: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl?
Willow: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or...keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. Don't ask.
Dawn: B-but they're just candles!
Buffy: Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles, but to ... witches they're ... like bongs.
Willow: We...are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny.
Xander: Fix Buffy.
Willow: Buffy's broken?
Xander: Rhymes with ... 'blinvisible'?
Willow: What?
Xander: Buffy was in town, leaving the haircutting place, when she suddenly just-
Willow: Buffy got her hair cut?
Xander: Yeah! Adorable, apparently. I personally couldn't tell, since she's all 'blinvisible.'
Willow: Oh my god, Buffy!
Buffy: I know, they're gone. I guess we should chase them.
Willow: No, your hair! It is adorable.
Buffy: Pretty neat, you finding the van. So ... how did you manage to ... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it?
Willow: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, my-feet-are-killing-me way.
Anya: Well, time is getting very short. After Willow did the, whoosh, instant engagement party, I got slack on the planning, cuz I figured she'd help. But now that's all blown to hell.
Willow: Standing right here. Standing right exactly here.
Buffy: Here you go. One Medley Meal. Plus I doublesized your fries... and cut way back on the cat.
Xander: Kmmmph?
Buffy: I'm probably kidding.
Manny: You're working a double-shift.
Buffy: What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? That's...so many hours.
Xander: Hey, Ahn? The way she looked... with the... face... that wasn't what you... used to look like, was it?
Anya: Is there something wrong with that? Did you think she was unattractive?
Xander: Okay, is there an answer to that that won't make you nuts?
Buffy: We missed the bed again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
Willow: We're not going to have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to.
Tara: I don't know. He seemed ... cute. W-was he cute? I mean, I'm not a very good judge, but... I think he seemed cute.
Clem: I think he seemed cute, yeah.
Spike: I had ... a ... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp? In your ... pants?
Spike: What, it's a thing.
Tara: Right.
Spike: Must be some late-night activities to keep us busy till morning.
Tara: How's that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
Spike: What? Oh. Yeah.
Tara: Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.
Skank-Vamp: Whew. What's that smell? Geez Slayer, is that you?
Buffy: I've been working!
Skank-Vamp: Where, in a slaughterhouse?
Buffy: D-Doublemeat Palace.
Skank-Vamp: Ooh. Know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff ... I'm not so sure I want to bite you.
Buffy: You're dead. You smell like it. How do you get to say I'm the one who's... stinky?
Dawn: Its looks kinda ... squished.
Buffy: Oh. Yeah. But you know, you know, give it a minute, 'cause these babies really bounce back. Literally.
Dawn: Some vamp get rough with you?
Buffy: He's not getting any gentler.
Willow: Just so you know: I am prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Will. Thanks, but no. I don't want to get all, you know -- petty.
Willow: That's the beauty. YOU can't, I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for both of us.
Buffy: Go nuts.
Willow: Duty-schmooty. I'm s'posed to be the best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichy in a dashing tuxedo number?
Buffy: No, cuz that would be totally unfair. We all must participate equally in the cosmic joke of bridesmaids-dom.
Spike: It's nice, watching you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, um... you glow.
Buffy: That's because my dress is radioactive.
Willow: I'll say this for the Y chromosome: looks good in a tux.
Xander: Your double X's aren't doing so bad there, either.
Willow: It's a good thing I realized I was gay. 'Cause otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear...
Tara: Sex poodle?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara: Uh, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
Anya: Huh.
Willow: Hi, um... Tara. How are you? I was wondering... do you want to go out sometime? For coffee? Or food? Or kisses and gay love?
Willow: No. Buffy look at me. You're not in an institution. You've never been in an institution.
Buffy: Yes I have.
Willow: What?
Buffy: I was only there a couple of weeks. I stopped talking about it so they let me go. And eventually, my parents just...forgot.
Willow: God. That's horrible.
Buffy: What if I never left? What if I'm still in that clinic?
Tara: Hey!
Willow: Look at you. All coming-out-of-class and everything.
Tara: I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class.
Tara: How's your... you know, after the basement deal?
Willow: It's between a hitch and a kink. With a side of twinge. It's okay.
Tara: And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth?
Willow: Ha! Yes! Refreshing san-- that's funny!
Buffy: Okay... can we go in that one?
Dawn: Three pairs of earrings, a change purse and a toothbrush.
Buffy: You stole a toothbrush?
Dawn: Mother of pearl handle. Very fancy.
Buffy: Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush. As rebellious teenagers go, you're kinda square.
Dawn: Dental hygiene is important.
Dawn: Uh, gosh. Did we open a chain? Are we the International House of something?
Buffy: Got up early, seemed like a breakfast kind of morning, what kind of syrup you want on your pancakes?
Dawn: Syrup comes in kinds?
Willow: It was this thing, and it came out from inside her head.
Tara: That's disgusting. What did it look like?
Willow: Well... let's put it this way. If I wasn't gay before...
Anya: Actually, there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.
Tara: It's not really so much about hating the men.
Willow: We're more centered around the girl on girl action.
Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander.
Tara: Well, I --
Anya: Don't you wish his eyes would explode?
Dawn: I never use that word anymore.
Anya: Coagulate?
Dawn: W-i-s-h.
Anya: Oh, wish? As in I wish Xander --
Dawn: Right! That word. There's vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember. Any 'I wish' could totally end in horrible grossness.
Anya: Gimme a fer-instance.
Buffy: I don't really think I should --
Anya: Did I mention the whole "left at the altar" thing? Didn't leave that out, did I?
Buffy: No, I know what he did was wrong. God. I can't imagine -- It must have been torture.
Anya: Okay! Let's talk about torture!
Anya: Tell me more about wishing Xander's guts and brains would go blooey.
Dawn: I didn't say that.
Anya: Yes you did.
Dawn: No I didn't.
Anya: I heard you.
Dawn: I swear, I didn't say that.
Anya: Didn't say what?
Dawn: Um, I just saw you were back and wanted to talk about working off my debt. You know, my whole Sticky-Fingers-Grabby-Hands-thing?
Anya: Oh! Right, the mad thieving. Good, yes, there 's much to do. I'm gonna put you to work, missy! So, back to Xander's brain and guts...
Anya: God! What kind of lesbians are you?! If you love men so much, go love men!
Buffy: Okay, see, this is why a heart to heart isn't your best course of action here. You're both upset and angry and what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there when I was dead? 'Cause if I had known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to kick her -
Anya: I'm off my guard. Happy. I'm singing in the shower and doing my sexy dance-
Spike: Exact- I have no dance.
Anya: I have one more question-
Spike: Hmmmmm.
Anya: Can I see your sexy dance?
Dawn: So... This is it. This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?
Buffy: And a lot of monsters.
Dawn: Uh huh.
Willow: She told you about Spike?
Dawn: It was kinda obvious last night.
Willow: Yeah, I totally knew.
Tara: Think that's my cue to put some clothes on.
Dawn: No! I'm totally not here. You guys do whatever you want. I'll watch TV. Really loud. In the basement. Where I can't hear. Anything. Oh my god! Oh my god! I love you guys!
Willow: Please. Please... Bring her back-
Demon: You may not violate the laws of natural passing-
Willow: How? How is this natural?
Demon: It is a human death, by human means.
Willow: But I-
Demon: You raised one killed by mystical forces. This is not the same - she is taken by natural order. It is done.
(=[)
Willow: He hit Tara. When he shot you, he hit her too. Upstairs. In my room.
Buffy: Oh my God-
Willow: Guess the last shot was the charm.
Xander: She's dead?
Willow: She's dead. And now he's dead.
Dawn: I do. And you should too. He killed Tara - and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay.
Xander: Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to, the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And we'd be able to bring Tara back...
Dawn: And mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe it - and now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us.
Xander: I just - I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise you. But I won't let Willow destroy herself.
Anya: I don't need a spell. I can feel her.
Xander: You can...
Anya: Feel her. Her thirst for vengeance, it's overwhelming.
Xander: Is that like, left over, from your vengeance demon days? That you can sense her?
Anya: Not left over
Xander: If you know where she is - you can help us.
Anya: I'll help. But I'm helping Willow.
Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend-
Warren: God - women. You're just like the rest of them. Mind games-
Willow: Now you get off on it. That's why you had such a mad-on for the slayer. She was the big O - wasn't she, Warren?
Warren: When you get caught - you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know... You're in pain but-
Willow: Bored now.
Xander: Oh my God.
Buffy: Willow - no... What did you do?
Willow: One down.
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive. Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful Wicca in the western hemisphere, she went for the payback. With interest.
Andrew: Wh-what about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and you two are next.
Clem: Still, I feel responsible. It's not fair - girl your age, cooped up in a crypt. Tell you what: let me get my hat and coat - I'll take you to a movie. We'll go nuts. PG- thirteen.
Dawn: You're back on the Magicks.
Willow: No, honey. I am the Magicks.
Willow: Did you cry? Of course you did. I get that, I understand the crying, you cry because you're human. But you weren't always.
Dawn: Yes I was...
Willow: No - please, you're telling me you don't remember? You used to be ...what, some mystic ball of energy. Maybe that's why you're crying all the time, "Dawny." You don't belong here.
Willow: Wanna go back? End the pain? You'll be happier. I'd be happier. We'll all be a lot happier without having to listen to all your constant whining.
Dawn: Willow... stop...
Willow: "Mom!" "Buffy!" "Tara!" Waah! Come on, someone's gotta stop the carnage. It's time you went back to being a little energy ball.
Willow: Let me tell you something about Willow: she's a loser. And she always has been. Everyone picked on Willow in junior high, high school, up until college with her stupid mousy ways and now - Willow's a junkie.
Buffy: I can help.
Willow: The only thing Willow was ever good for...- the only thing going for me - were those moments - just moments - when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.
Buffy: Because you lose everything. Your friends, your self... you let this control you and the world goes away. That's not... Willow, there's so much to --
Willow: Ack! Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do. I'm just more honest about it.
Buffy: That's not true...
Willow: You're trying to sell me on the world. The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them and you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative. This world? Buffy, it's me! I know you were happier in the ground - hanging with the worms. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life is when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back.
Willow: Come on! This is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer is.
Willow: Buffy, I gotta tell you - I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.
Giles: I'd like to test that theory.
Willow: Uh oh. Daddy's home...I'm in wicked trouble now.
Giles: You've no idea.
Willow: New trick from the old dog. That's borrowed power. Now way it's strong enough to -
Giles: I'm here to help you.
Willow: Thanks, but I can kill a couple of geeks all by myself. But, hey, if you'd like to watch... I mean, that's what you Watchers are good at, right? Watching... Butting in on things that don't concern you...
Willow: Remember we had that little spat before you left? When you were under the delusion you were still relevant here? You called me a rank arrogant amateur? Well, buckle up Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.
Anya: I know what you're trying to do. Hate to burst your bubble, but mind control mojo doesn't work on vengeance demons, so why don't you just--
Willow: Stop talking and listen.
Anya: Okay.
Dawn: Well, feeling sorry for yourself isn't helping either, Xander. Y'know if Spike was here, he'd go back and fight.
Xander: Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
Giles: I see. You lose someone you love and the other people in your life... The ones who cares about you become meaningless. I wonder... What would Tara say about that?
Willow: You can ask her yourself.
Xander: You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.
Willow: I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It's just - where else am I going to go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Xander: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow.
Willow: Don't call me th-
Xander: First day of kindergarten you cried 'cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. You wanna kill the world, you start with me. I've earned that.
All...for now.
long, hmm? haha!
and trying not think about the parents fighting,
syney being all S.O.L,
and whatnot.
First time she's ever called you know who "the man i live with"
s'whyi usually call him.
fuck...whatever
So, quote time!
the ramble later, maybe.
Willow: Thanks for coming with. Hunting for a psychopathic super-bitch is definitely in the above-and-beyond category.
Tara: It's okay, really. So, what do we do if we find her?
Willow: Run. Flee. Maybe skedaddle.
Willow: What?
Tara: You said recon. You're, like, cool monster-fighter.
Willow: Well, technically, Faith isn't a monster. And as far as fighting, I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.
Willow: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going, "Ooh, check me out. I'm wicked cool. I'm five-by-five."
Tara: Five-by-five? Five what by five what?
Willow: See, that's the thing. No one knows.
Faith: Anyway, for real now, I'm gonna ask you something, and you gotta promise you'll be honest and not spare my feelings just 'cause I could kill you. You promise?
Joyce: I promise.
Faith: Okay. How do I look?
Joyce: Psychotic.
Faith: Hmmm, I was shooting for sultry, but hey...
Faith: You're thinking, "You'll never get away with this!" Warm?
Joyce: Actually, I was thinking my daughter is going to kill you soon.
Faith: That a fact?
Joyce: More like a bet.
Faith: Whoa. You got a pair on you, Joyce. I like seeing that in a woman your age.
Joyce: Were you planning to slit my throat any time soon?
Faith: Thought I'd got to the clean marine, didn't you? He's a cutie. Looks like he could use a good roll in the sack.
Buffy: You're not his type. He's not big on sleaze.
Faith: He's probably just never tried it.
Willow: The Bronze is the coolest place in Sunnydale. Of course, there's not a lot of competition. I think the vending machine at Burgin's came in second.
Willow: We'll get together with Buffy another time. Sometime soon. I think you'll really like her.
Tara: She's not your friend.
Willow: I may have overestimated the "you liking her" factor.
Willow: You didn't sense a hyena energy at all, did you? 'Cause hyena possession is just... unpleasant.
Buffy-in-Faith: Okay, Giles, you have to listen to me very carefully. I'm not Faith.
Giles: Really?
Buffy-in-Faith: Really.
Giles: 'Cause the resemblance is striking.
Faith-in-Buffy: Someone comes out, you get 'em to safety, unless they've got fangs.
Giles: Damn it, man, we have to get inside! Our, um, uh... our families are in there! Our, um, mothers, and tiny, tiny babies!
Riley: Man, would I like to get my hands on her. Not in a... sex way.
Willow: I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
Spike: I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kittens.
Buffy: Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?
Anya: And when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?
Buffy: This is the meeting.
Willow: This is the meeting?
Riley: These spells...these really work? I mean...can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or...learn to excrete gold coins?
Anya: That one's not so much fun.
Willow: They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Xander: Right. You can't just go...librum incendere and expect...[sets the book on fire]
Giles: Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Buffy: Okay, you get Fang, I'll get Horny. I mean...
Xander: Anyways, they'll probably be too busy flirting with every other girl at the party to even notice you.
Anya: So, you don't think I'm desirable enough to be flirted with? Is that it?
Xander: I'm just not gonna win here, am I?
Tara: So, he's, um, bridging the gap between the races.
Willow: Huh. Like Martin Luther King.
Giles: As much as I long for a good kegger, I have other plans. The Espresso Pump.
Tara: What are you doing there?
Giles: I'm, um, it's a meeting of grown-ups. It couldn't possibly be of any interest to you lot.
Willow: They're probably goin' to...
Giles: Yes, thank you, Willow. I did attend University in the Mesozoic Era, I do remember what it's like.
Spike: Grrr!
Anya: Aaahh!
Spike: Oh, it's you.
Anya: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!
Spike: Hey, yeah, I did. I scared you. Gimme money.
Anya: I'm not paying you for scaring me.
Spike: You're not paying me. I'm robbing you.
Anya: Oh, well, now that's just ludicrous. You can't hurt me because you've got that chip in your brain. Also, I like my money the way it is... when it's mine.
Spike: Grrrr!
Anya: Oh, now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore!
Spike: Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on. Get me mad again.
Anya: Does this really work? Scaring people into giving you their money?
Spike: Yeah, it works. Keeps me in blood and beers. Plus, you know, funny - watching the little humans quail.
Anya: I'm beginning to understand why you're so friendless.
Spike: Look who's talking. I don't see droopy-boy on your arm. Did he have better things to do?
Xander: Is it me? Am I the crazy one?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Absolutely.
Willow: Hey, Buffy? This might be a good time to mention that someone so not me spilled something purpley on your new peasant top, which I would never borrow without asking. Still love me?
Buffy: Uh-huh. Huh? What about my peasant top?
Willow: Nothing.
Xander: Anya, what are you doing with him?
Anya: We didn't have sex, if that's what you mean. That's all I do now, not have sex.
Willow: Ghost boy, drowning in a tub. I tried to save him, but... being a ghost already, well, I was way too late.
Xander: Ummm…could we go back to the haunted house? Because this is creeping me out.
Tara: Does he do this a lot?
Xander: Sure. Every day the Earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.
Willow: Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.
Tara: Well, he is pretty good.
Anya: His voice is...pleasant.
Xander: What?
Willow: Oh come on. He is kinda sexy.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please.
Tara: We implore you...be still.
Giles: Find it in your hearts to leave our friends passage.
Willow: Transform your pain. Release your past...and uh...get over it.
Tara: Do you like cats?
Willow: I'm more of a dog person, myself. But I'm not, like, death to all cats.
Willow: You mean it'd be sort of like a familiar?
Tara: Actually, I was thinking it would be sort of like a pet. You know, we could name her Trixie, or Miss Kitty Fantastico or something.
Tara: I want my room to be Willow-friendly.
Tara: So, I'm excited about the Scooby meeting. I think. What's it about?
Willow: I'm not sure. Probably just your garden-variety disaster.
Buffy: My kill-count's way down.
Willow: She means there's been less bad-guy activity.
Xander: Buffy doesn't make her quota - bad Slayer!
Riley: We got demons coming out our ears.
Willow: That's a metaphor.
Tara: I got it, thanks.
Willow: I'm overhelping, aren't I?
Willow: When did you get back?
Oz: Pretty much now.
Xander: Oz, man. Hate to sound grandma, but... you don't call, you don't write.
Oz: Yeah. Sorry.
Oz: I talked to Xander, and he said you didn't have a new guy.
Willow: No. No new guy.
Willow: Well, I believe a manly-sized breakfast is in order, don't you?
Oz: Or we could just... sleep a little while. Whatever you want.
Willow: I'll have the less confusing waffles right now.
Buffy: Wait. Last night was a wolf-moon, right?
Willow: Yup.
Buffy: Either you're about to tell me something incredibly kinky, or...
Willow: No kink.
Buffy: Okay, I'm all with the whoo-hoo, here, and you're not.
Willow: No, there's "whoo," and "hoo." But there's "uh-oh" and "why now?" And it's complicated.
Buffy: Why complicated?
Willow: It's complicated... because of Tara.
Buffy: You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No, you... Oh! Oh.
Tara: You have to be with the person you love.
Willow: I am.
Tara: You mean...?
Willow: I mean. Okay?
Tara: Oh, yes.
Willow: I feel horrible about everything I put you through. And I'm going to make it up to you. Starting right now.
Tara: Right now?
(awwwww!)
Willow: Crack a government encryption code on my laptop? Easy as ... really difficult pie.
Willow: I am a whiz.
Tara: She is a whiz.
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.
Buffy: Are you drunk?!
Giles: Yes. Quite a bit, actually.
Xander: Just because you're better than us, doesn't mean you can be all superior.
Xander: Tara's your girlfriend!!??
Giles: Bloody hell!
Willow: It must be programmed to self-decrypt at a certain point. That is so annoying! It's like somebody blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've-- I mean, yippee! We have the information.
Tara: I don't know if "yippee" is the right response, either. Read that.
Xander: Dinner is served. And my very own recipe.
Willow: Ooh, you pushed the button on the microwave that says "popcorn"?
Xander: Actually, I pushed "defrost", but Joyce was there in the clinch.
Xander: Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell. And then I do a spell by myself.
Tara: Things aren't going very well.
Willow: No! This drama class is just... I think they're really just doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play, and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in "Death of A Salesman", anyway?
Buffy: Mom?
Joyce: Oh, hi honey.
Buffy: Why are you living in the walls?
Joyce: I'm guessing I missed some fun?
Willow: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.
Joyce: Oh. You want some hot chocolate?
All: Yeah!
Joyce: Xander?
Xander: Yes, what, Joyce? Uh, Buffy's mom?
Xander: I'm exhausted just looking at those two. All the splashing and jumping and running. Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?
Anya: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.
Tara: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.
Willow: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.
Willow: Xand? What if somebody had a secret and that somebody promised somebody else that they wouldn't tell anyone.
Xander: Newsflash, Will. Everybody knows.
Willow: This isn't about me and Tara.
Xander: Oh, not that I wouldn't be all ears if you wanted to tell me a secret about you two. Even if it was very very naughty.
Dawn: Killing things with wood? Ooh, scary vampires -- they die from a splinter.
Dawn: I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much. I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is, but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time, so he's got to be pretty far gone.
Dawn: They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than Slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
Willow: Buffy, you're developing a work ethic!
Buffy: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?
Buffy: But Giles said that it just was...
Willow: The hell with Giles!
Giles: I can hear you, Willow.
Joyce: Dawn, be good.
Xander: We will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy. I don't know his name.
Anya: Crap! Look at this-- now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, and more cash than I can reasonably manage.
Xander: That means you're winning.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yes, cash equals good.
Anya: Ooh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Dawn: Yeah, well, I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Willow: And this will be your hallway and we'll walk down this hall and say "La La, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander? I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Buffy: I thought it was gonna be like in the movies -- you know, inspirational music, a montage: me sharpening my pencil, me reading, writing, falling asleep on a big pile of books with my glasses all crooked, 'cause in my montage, I have glasses. But real life is slow, and it's starting to hurt my occipital lobe.
Willow: Aw, poor Buffy's brain.
Joyce: You want the cereal prize, but you don't want the cereal. You are growing up.
Willow: What about a crossword? Some people say feed a cold, I say puzzle it.
Joyce: I feel silly lying here like a lump.
Willow: You can make a game out of it. A very quiet game about being a lump.
Spike: Is it bigger than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Four left.
Spike: So it's smaller than a breadbox?
Harmony: No. Only three.
Spike: Harmony, is it a sodding breadbox?
Tara: How'd you do that with the light?
Willow: Oh, you know, you taught me.
Tara: I taught you a teeny tinkerbell light.
Willow: Okay, so I tinkered with the tinkerbell.
Harmony: Do you know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means that he can't even pick flowers.
Spike: What?! Yes, I can.
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away
Buffy: What are you doing here. Five words or less.
Spike: Out. For. A. Walk…Bitch.
Dawn: I tell you I have this theory. It goes where you're the one who's not my sister 'cause Mom adopted you from a shoebox full of baby howler monkeys.
Buffy: That's your theory?
Dawn: It explains your fashion sense. And smell.
Giles: Come up with anything yet?
Xander: Well, candles, maybe, or bath oils of some kind.
Buffy: I saw a really cute sweater at Bloomy's...but, I think I want me to have it.
Giles: And you are talking about what on earth?
Buffy: Tara's birthday. We're at a loss.
Giles: You're in a magic shop, and you can't think what Tara would like. I believe you're both profoundly stupid.
Xander: Well, we don't really know...the kind of things witches like. What, are we gonna get her some cheesy crystal ball?
Giles: Bloody well better not. I've got mine already wrapped.
Donny: So all these books got spells in 'em? Turn people into frogs, things like that?
Xander: Yeah, we're building a race of frog people. It's a good time.
Mr. MaClay: Is this a joke? I'm not gonna be threatened by two little girls.
Dawn: You don't wanna mess with us.
Buffy: She's a hair-puller.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: 'Cept me.
Xander: 'Cept Spike.
Spike: I don't care what happens.
Xander: And I swear by your full and manly beard, you're gonna break something trying.
Spike: Oww!!
Willow: Hey! Hey...
Tara: He hit my nose!
Willow: And it hurt! Uh, him, I mean.
Spike: There's no demon in there. That's just a family legend, am I right? Just a bit of spin to keep the ladies in line. Oh, you're a piece of work. I like you.
Tara: I'm not a demon.
Willow: You're not a demon.
Tara: He hurt my nose.
Willow: Aw.
Spike: Yeah, you're welcome.
(aw)
Dawn: Did I just pull a Slayer-related Mom cover-up thing? Come on. Who's the man?
Buffy: You are. A very short, annoying man.
Xander: What's with the hand wave? You see that? Does that, like, mean something?
Willow: It's code. I think it breaks down to "choo-choo!"
Anya: It probably means to follow him. That, or wait here for him.
Willow: [whispers] Ask him.
Xander: HEY, RILEY? WHAT'S THE [gestures] ALL ABOUT?
Riley: It means "Yell real loud so the vampires who don't know we're coming will have a sporting chance."
Xander: See, now he's all mad and sarcastic.
Willow: It's because you were doing all that yelling, Mr. Stealthy-pants.
Buffy: I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package, but I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto.
Tara: "Your one-stop spot to shop for all your occult needs." Catchy.
Giles: Think so?
Tara: Uh-huh. In a...hard to read sort of way, but I think it's great.
Giles: Oh.
Xander: I'm just saying, I think it's rude.
Willow: I wouldn't call it rude.
Xander: Rude-ish. Rude-esque. Whatever you want to call it. When a person makes a "destroy all vampires" date, it's simple courtesy to wait for your co-destroyers. Am I right, Giles?
Giles: I'm almost certain you're not, but to be fair, I wasn't listening.
Xander: Okay, we were supposed to hook up with Riley this morning, to take on a nest o'vamps holed up in a tomb? So we get there, and guess what? Tell him, Will.
Willow: Tomb go boom.
Xander: Yep. Captain America blowed it up real good.
Joyce: Listen, you two, I know this creamed spinach is pretty delicious, but I promise I won't be offended if you go out for some real food.
Buffy: Are you kidding me? This is the good life. Relaxing in bed while people bring you food on trays.
Dawn: I like the jell-o.
Joyce: Help yourself. There's something about food that moves by itself that gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Dawn: It's good and wiggly. There's a girl at school told me that gelatin is made from ground up cows feet, and that if you eat jell-o there's some cows that are limping with no feet, but I told her I'm sure they kill 'em before they take off their feet... right?
Buffy (to Joyce): You're the one who insisted on teaching her to talk.
Buffy: Waiting? Give me a break. We got tons to do.
Dawn: We have soap operas to watch, and trashy magazines to read.
Buffy: And an adjustable bed to fiddle with. That alone can keep me busy for four hours or so.
Giles: Oh my god, what a rough night.
Willow: Ha haa! I just did two of 'em! Yay on me. That was pretty cool. Except the part where I was all terrified, and now my knees are all dizzy.
Willow: Oh, I feel just like Santa Claus, except thinner and younger, and female, and, well, Jewish.
Willow: This is an extra special gift for your mom that I know she'll need: a beer hat!
Willow: And somehow, when I was in the store, this seemed like the most important idea, and now there's the whole part where I'm crazy.
Buffy: You got her a book on spells? The girl who can break things by just looking at them, now has a book to teach her to... break things by looking at 'em?
Willow: Buffy, I have this for you.
Buffy: Homework? Ehh... I don't believe in tiny Jewish Santa anymore.
Willow: She'll be all normal all the time.
Dawn: Is that right?
Buffy: Hey, Santa doesn't lie.
Willow: You know what's weird?
Tara: Japanese commercials are weird.
Willow: You know, I used to love to look up at them when I was little. They're supposed to make you feel all insignificant, but they made me feel like... like I was in space, part of the stars.
Willow: What time is it?
Xander: There's a clock on the wall behind you, Will.
Willow: I know - but your watch is right there above your hand.
Dawn: When I was younger, I used to put my chopsticks in my mouth like this...and Buffy would chase me around the house yelling "I'm the Slayer! I'm gonna get you!"
Anya: That's disturbing. You're emotionally scarred and will turn out badly.
Dawn: That's okay. You guys don't have to make a big deal for me. The only reason I'm sleeping over here is so Buffy and Riley can boink.
Xander: That's not it at all... they just need some time to... be tender... relax...
Anya: He's not very convincing.
Dawn: Yeah, 'Alone time' always translates into 'Get Dawn out of the house so we can have loud obnoxious sex.'
Anya: Does that mean we can't?
Joyce: You don't think it's too obvious? I think I look like I have a cat on my head.
Buffy: But a very well groomed cat.
Joyce: Well that's a comfort.
Buffy: I think it's fun. We can get you a whole bunch of different wigs. You can be like - Action Mom, Sixties Mom, French Maid Mom...
Anya: Who ordered more chicken's feet? The ones we have aren't moving at all.
Xander: That' generally what happens when you cut them off the chicken.
Anya: I'm serious... Maybe we should do a holiday promotion - one free with every purchase.
Giles: Ah yes, what dear holiday memories. Joyful tykes by the fire, enjoying their new Christmas chicken feet.
Willow: Holding them close as they fall asleep, painting their tiny toenails...
Anya: Oh, yes. Very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon. I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She is newly-human and strangely literal."
Willow: What? I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks like that.
Anya: There is nothing wrong with my idea, anyway. I have been very good for this store. If it wasn't for me, Giles would be a terrified old man staring at a quarterly tax statement and wetting himself.
Anya: Fine! Take her side instead of mine. Even though I'm the one who sleeps with you and feeds you and bathes you!
Willow: She bathes you?
Xander: Only in an erotic, Penthouse-y way. Not in a sponge-bathy, geriatric sort of-
Giles: Please. Stop. I beg of you.
Tara: I'm envious, Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. Unless you're English.
Willow: We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
Tara: I said "quirky".
Xander: Big guy? Hammer? Think I noticed him.
Willow: I wish Buffy was here.
Buffy: I'm here.
Willow: I wish for a million dollars. Just checking.
Xander: You dated him?
Buffy: You dated a troll?
Willow: And we're what? Surprised by this?
Willow: Hello, gay now!
Olaf: HA HA! YOU FIGHT WELL, ALTHOUGH YOU ARE A TINY MAN!
Anya: How can I help?
Willow: Distract him from Buffy. Piss him off.
Anya: I don't know how!
Willow: Anya, listen. I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya: Your menacing stance is merely mildly alarming and your roar is less than full-throated!
Olaf: DESIST! MY GOD, WOMAN, IT'S BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS AND YOU ARE YET AS AGGRAVATING AND EMASCULATING AS EVER YOU WERE!
Xander: You really dated him?
Anya: Yes.
Xander: But you like me better.
Anya: Yes. Willow likes you too, but not in a sexy way 'cuz she's gay, and she won't break us up so it's all okay.
Willow: Questions, great.
Tara: Well, we can answer questions.
Nigel: Good. I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer, and about the both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
Tara: O-o-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're ... lovers. We're lesbian, gay-type lovers.
Nigel: I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
Buffy: Look, I know mom wants to gather and make with the merry tomorrow night, but with everything going on -
Willow: -- this is exactly what you need! A twentieth birthday party with presents and funny hats and candles you can't blow out! Those used to scare me.
Tara: Me too!
Buffy: How was school today?
Dawn: The usual. A big square building filled with boredom and despair.
Buffy: Just how I remember it.
Dawn: I think you're just freaking out 'cuz you have to fight someone prettier than you. That's the big crisis, isn't it?
Buffy: Dawn, Glory is powerful, evil and is no way prettier than me.
Buffy: Maybe it's time for a new tradition: birthdays without boyfriends. It can be just as fun.
Willow: Preaching to the choir, here, baby
Buffy: Poor Will. Still getting those headaches?
Willow: Fewer and further between, but...yep, they're still exercising their visitation rights.
Tara: Honey, in case you didn't hear me the first six thousand times, no more teleportation spells.
Willow: Well, he...he actually told you? He, he said, "I love you"?
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't let him get that far, but...I could see the words coming.
Joyce: Honey, did you…somehow, unintentionally, lead him on in any way? Uh, send him signals?
Buffy: Well, I...I do beat him up a lot. For Spike that's like third base.
Joyce: Better to nip this in the bud before-
Buffy: The bud nips me?
Joyce: Exactly.
Willow: If you want, Buffy, I can go with. Back you up with some scowling.
Tara: Willow's good at all that computer stuff, but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?
Anya: Oh. Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old. I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans."
Tara: I go online sometimes, but...everyone's spelling is really bad, and it's... depressing.
Anya: Anyway, I took the money from working for Giles, and I tripled it.
Tara: Tripled? Like, first money, then money money money?
Anya: Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
Tara: You, you can do all this stuff with a regular computer?
Anya: I'll show you. You can also see the website I designed for the magic shop. Huge photo of me.
Buffy: What?
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Buffy: Mother!
Joyce: I'm joking.
Buffy: Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: I can't hear you!
Giles: And you're certain she was a robot?
Buffy: Absolutely.
Tara: Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass… Just...tryin' a little spicy talk.
Xander: How're you doing there, Will? Are you in the barf club?
Willow: I had too much nog.
Tara: Oh, baby, do you want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... stop explaining things.
Xander: Yeah, now Santa's gonna pass you right by, naughty boozehound.
Willow: He always passes me by. Something always puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
Tara: We can be strong.
Willow: Strong like an Amazon?
Buffy: Was it sudden?
Tara: What?
Buffy: Your mother...
Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.
Willow: I want to say bagel but I think that was yesterday. You had eggs, sunny side up. I remember because they were wiggling at me like little boobs…
Tara: Sassy eggs.
Buffy: Hey, Dawn? If there's any dishes in your room, let's have 'em before they get furry and we have to name them.
Dawn: Hey, I was like, five then.
Buffy: I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
Dawn: Yeah. I love you too.
Buffy: I love you. Really love you.
Dawn: Gettin' weird.
Buffy: Sorry. But - it's important that I tell you. Weird love is better than no love.
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge -
Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
Anya: In the movies, when someone goes crazy, they slap 'em.
Xander: I'm gonna go find her, talk to her. If she's losing it, we need to help her before she gets herself hurt.
Tara: You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
Xander: No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
Buffybot: It wasn't one time. It was lots of times. And lots of different ways. I could make sketches.
Willow: No!
Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to…
Buffy: Oh God.
Willow: Yikes. Imagine the things-
Buffy: No! Stop imagining! All of you!
Xander: Already got the visual.
Buffybot: You're right. He's evil. Killing him is the only way. We're the Slayer and that's what we do. But you should see him naked.
Dawn: We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers with.
Willow: I know it is. And I'm a big fan of school. You know me, I'm all: 'Go school, it's your birthday'! Or something to that effect.
Willow: Sure it is! I'd totally be blowing off classes if I was in Dawnie's shoes.
Tara: Sweetie, you wouldn't blow off class if your head was on fire.
Tara: No, please, if I... I mean, tell me if I said something wrong. Otherwise I know I'll say it again, probably often and in public.
Willow: Yeah, I know. But it's a whole night and I don't think I can sleep without her.
Anya: You can sleep with me. You know, that came out a lot more lesbian than it sounded in my head.
Anya: Piano!
Xander: Right. Piano. Because that's what we used to kill that big demon that one time. No, wait. That was a rocket launcher. Ahn, what are you talkin'?
Anya: We should drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice man with the speech impediment.
Giles: Yes, or perhaps we could paint a convincing fake tunnel on the side of a mountain. Let's keep thinking.
Spike: Uh, Will? Now, uh, don't turn me into a horned toad for asking, but -
Spike: Is everyone here very stoned?
Willow: Hey. I know you. You're that first original Slayer who tried killing us all in our dreams. How've you been?
Willow: No. And I think we already deja'd this vu.
Bitty Buffy: You talk funny.
Willow: Yes, as you'll tell me again when we're older, and in chem class.
Xander: Smart chicks are so hot.
Willow: You couldn't have figured that out in tenth grade...?
Dawn: And I wish you'd fall on your head and drown in your own barf, so I guess we're both having frowny days.
Xander: Spike's sexbot.. Why didn't they melt this thing into scrap?
Anya: Maybe Willow wanted it.
Xander: I don't think Willow feels that way about Buffy... I mean she's gone through a lot of changes, but --
Anya: To study it.
Xander: Right. Robotics. Science.
Buffy: I need you, Will. You're my big gun.
Willow: I'm your -- I never was a gun... someone else should be the gun, I could maybe be a cudgel, or pointy stick ...
Giles: Need anything?
Willow: Could use some courage ...
[Spike's hand comes into frame, holding a flask.]
Willow: The real kind. But thanks.
Buffy: Dawn listen to me. Listen. I love you. I'll always love you. But this is the work I have to do. Tell Giles I... I figured it out. And I'm okay. Give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now -- you have to take care of each other. You have to be strong. Dawn. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me.
Tara: I thought...the big ones tire more easily...
Spike: No, that's over-the-hill shopkeepers.
Giles: I'm fine. I just need to need to...die ... for a minute...
Tara: It's Sobri root! It's supposed to confuse him but it kinda just made him peppy. It's not supposed to mix with anything -- do you think he might be taking prescription medication?
Spike: Yeah. That must be it.
Giles: Good God. What if he attempts to operate heavy machinery?!
Xander: Great googely moogely Willow you've got to quit doing that!
Willow: (O.S.) I told you I was going to get the lay of the land-
Xander: But not the lay of my brain!
Willow: I don't know. I was trying to program in some new puns and I kind of ended up with word salad.
Buffybot: I think it's funny.
Willow: Anya found that thing. For tonight.
Xander: She did? Great.
Willow: And you're her Sweet Cookie Face.
Xander: I go by many names...
Anya: He's too busy not leaving to pay attention to me. Besides, I ended up getting it on E-Bay.
Tara: You found the last known Urn of Osiris on E-Bay?
Anya: Yeah. From this Desert Gnome in Cairo. He drove a hard bargain, but I finally got him to throw in a limited edition Backstreet Boys lunch box for--
Xander: Excuse me. Who made you the boss of the group?
Anya: You did.
Tara: You said 'Willow should be boss.'
Anya: And then you said 'Let's vote' and it was unanimous.
Tara: You made her that little plaque that said 'BOSS OF US,' you put on sparkles--
Xander: Okay, this is really starting to grate my cheese. These woods aren't that big. And I know we've been going in a straight line, 'cause I've been following the North Star.
Willow: Um, Xander, that's not the North Star. It's an airplane.
Xander: No, it's not an airplane. It's definitely--a blimp. But I can see how one could make that airplane mistake.
Xander: And how long have you known your girlfriend was Tinkerbell?
Dawn: It looks like they're just ... wrecking stuff. No thought other than just... destructorama.
Dawn: What?
Spike: Eh? Oh. Nothing. Just, um... Looks like fun…I'm just saying.
Xander: Tara. Nice axing.
Tara: My first.
Spike: Thank God. You scared me half to death... or more to death. I could kill you!
Dawn: Spike.
Spike: I mean it. Could rip your head off one handed and drink from your brain stem.
Spike: I do. Clawed her way out of a coffin, that's how. Isn't that right?
Buffy: I ... Yes. I had to do that.
Spike: Done it myself.
Tara: How'd he take it?
Willow: Um. I'm not sure. Glad, but ... kinda weirded out, you know? Which I get. Lots of "dear lords…" I think I actually heard him cleaning his glasses.
Tara: Maybe we dreamed it.
Willow: Right. Right. Wrong….Different brains.
Dawn: If we get to pick, I say we go with the Small Bone-Eaters.
Anya: That just means they prefer eating things with little bones. Like you.
Anya: Did I look like that? I hope I didn't look like that.
Willow: No, I'm sure you looked really glamorous cutting up your face.
Willow: Think of it like, the world doesn't like you getting something for free. We asked for this huge gift -Buffy - and the world said, fine. If you get that, you have to take this too ... and it made the demon.
Anya: Technically, that's not a price. That's a gift with purchase.
Xander: I did not send the demon -- I was possessed! The demon used me to eavesdrop on our conversation-
Anya: Great. So now what? We can only talk in anti-demon secret code?
Xander: Good-gay idea-yay, An-ya-ay
Dawn: Stop talking in wrong Pig Latin and drive! Buffy's in trouble!
Dawn: Huh. That's probably the sort of thing I'm not s'posed to see, right?
Dawn: Are you okay?
Buffy: I'm going to start charging people money to ask me that.
Buffy: I wanted a little time alone.
Spike: Oh. Right then...
Buffy: That's okay. I can be alone with you here.
Willow: Uh, Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Buffy: Lying flat on my back?
Buffy: But, I haven't spent any money. I was all dead and frugal.
Dawn: So, what do we do?
Buffy: Easy. We burn the house to the ground, collect the insurance. Plus, fire? Pretty.
Dawn: Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Anya: Spider Man does.
Dawn: He does not!
Anya: Does too.
Dawn: Does n ... Xander?
Xander: Action is his reward.
Willow: Okay - let me make you mad again. Ready? Um, um... Last semester? I slept with Riley.
Buffy: And you know I really doubt it.
Willow: Caught me. Big fib…To cover up my sleazy affair with Angel.
Willow: You're right. The Magicks I used are incredibly powerful. I'm incredibly powerful. And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.
Dawn: No chance I'll have to quit school and work assembling cheap toys in a poorly ventilated sweatshop?
Giles: A poorly-ventilated ... What have you been reading?
Willow: I'm a breast girl myself. But, then again, you knew that.
Buffy: Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes, like, introduction to pies, or maybe advanced walking.
Jonathan: Stop touching my magic bone!
Warren: Wha, uh, what'd you do, enchant the hand thing?
Jonathan: Uh, well, not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. Maybe I shoulda done more.
Andrew: Like what?
Jonathan: I don't know. Like make her kind of itchy?
Anya: Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do, just picture yourself naked.
Andrew: I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren: Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.
Buffy: Life is stupid.
Spike: You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
Buffy: Are there drinks in your world?
Spike: Come on, someone's gotta stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it! What, you thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
Andrew: The Slayer touched you.
Jonathan: Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists
Dawn: So, what are you supposed to be?
Anya: An angel.
Dawn: Oh. Shouldn't you have wings?
Anya: On no. This is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings. We just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
Anya: But you get to dress up and play games. Xander's gonna teach me a new one after work called Shiver Me Timbers. Ever heard of it?
Anya: How about you? Ever played?
Tara: Not really one for the timber.
Buffy: Did you know about this?
Giles: No. Unless I blocked it from my memory. Much as I will Xander's vigorous use of his tongue.
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you don't have to see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.
Willow: Hey, we were just getting our dance on.
Willow: It's where I'd be if I were 15 and on the lam.
Tara: Really?
Willow: Well, not me at 15. Cause, hello? Spaz.
Buffy: So did anybody... last night, did anybody um... burst into song?
Xander: Merciful Zeus!
Willow: We thought it was just us!
Giles: Well, I sang but I had my guitar at the hotel...
Tara: It was bizarre. We were talking and then it was like-
Buffy: Like you were in a musical!
Giles: That would explain the huge backing orchestra I couldn't see and the synchronized dancing from the room service chaps.
Willow: We did a whole duet about dish washing.
Anya: And we were arguing and then everything rhymed and there were harmonies and the dance with coconuts.
Willow: There was an entire verse about the cous-cous.
Xander: It was very disturbing.
Tara: Those boys really thought I was hot?
Willow: Entirely!
Tara: Oh, my god... I'm cured! I want the boys!
Spike: Oh. So that's all. You just come to pump me for information.
Buffy: What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I?
Dawn: Math. It seemed cooler when we were singing about it.
Dawn: So you're like a good demon? Bringing the fun in?
Buffy: Yeah, I'm pretty spry for a corpse.
Spike: Strong. Someday he'll be a real boy.
Buffy: So... Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
Willow: We didn't wanna know. We were so selfish. I was so selfish.
Xander: Maybe we were. I just feel weird feeling bad that my friend's not dead. It's ... too mind-boggling. So I've decided to simplify the whole thing. Me like Buffy. Buffy's alive, so, me glad.
Tara: Not to be Miss Psycho Pep Squad, but we have got to stop obsessing about what we did and start trying to make things better for Buffy.
Anya: I'm with Miss Psycho Pep Squad.
Xander: Ah, we need to spend more time with her, just hang out. Maybe have ... weekly dinners over here, or, uh ... a book club. Short books. Videos.
Willow: Thanks for the jacket. It's cold out there.
Xander: Not a problem, the cold only makes me stronger and more macho-like.
Buffy: Oh, that's sweet, but I think I can name myself. I'll name me ... Joan.
Dawn: Ugh!
Buffy: What? Did you just 'ugh' my name?
Dawn: No! I just ... I mean, it's so blah. Joan?
Buffy: I like it. I feel like a Joan.
Giles: Older brother?
Spike: Father. Oh, god, how I must hate you.
Giles: What did I do?
Spike: There's always something.
Spike: Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.
Spike: Vampires!
Tara: Maybe it's Halloween.
Dawn: It doesn't feel like Halloween.
Xander: Even if it is, those guys are definitely not kids, and those are definitely not costumes. Randy's right. Looks like we have vampires.
Willow: What did you just do?
Buffy: I don't know. But it was COOL!
Buffy: I think I know why Joan's the boss. I'm like a superhero or something!
Buffy: All right. You work on that then. We need to go. Ready, Randy?
Spike: Ready, Joan.
Buffy: You're a vampire!
Spike: How can you say - I, me, a vampire? No.
Buffy: Check the lumpies. And the teeth.
Buffy: I kill your kind.
Spike: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Buffy: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?
Dawn: How are you?
Willow: A little confused. I mean, I'm ... all sweaty ... and trapped, no memory, hiding in a pipe from a vampire...And I think I'm kinda gay.
Willow: Uh, Amy ... three things we have to talk about. One, Larry's gay. Two, Larry's dead. And three, high school's ... kinda over.
Buffy: Hi. How've you been?
Amy: Rat. You?
Buffy: Dead.
Amy: Oh.
Anya: Oh, for crying out loud. This is bizarre. You're all, 'la la la!' with, with the magic, and the not talking, like everything's normal, when we all know that Tara up and left you and now everyone's scared to say anything to you. Except me. Is this that thing I do that you were commenting-
Spike: Help me out here, Spock, I don't speak loser.
Spike: Nothing wrong with me. Something wrong with her.
Xander: Anya has a theory. She thinks that Martha Stewart froze that guy.
Anya: Don't be ridiculous. Martha Stewart isn't a demon. She's a witch.
Xander: Please, she- Really?
Anya: Of course. Nobody could do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness.
Dawn: Are you kidding? It was like a meat party in my mouth. Okay, now I'm just a kid, and even *I* know that came out wrong
Buffy: Get dressed. Dawn's missing.
Spike: Again? Ever think about a Lojack for the girl?
Willow: The magic wasn't all great. I won't miss the nosebleeds and the headaches and stuff.
Buffy: There you go.
Willow: Or...keeping stinky yak cheese in my bra. Don't ask.
Dawn: B-but they're just candles!
Buffy: Well, yeah, you know, to you and me they're just candles, but to ... witches they're ... like bongs.
Willow: We...are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny.
Xander: Fix Buffy.
Willow: Buffy's broken?
Xander: Rhymes with ... 'blinvisible'?
Willow: What?
Xander: Buffy was in town, leaving the haircutting place, when she suddenly just-
Willow: Buffy got her hair cut?
Xander: Yeah! Adorable, apparently. I personally couldn't tell, since she's all 'blinvisible.'
Willow: Oh my god, Buffy!
Buffy: I know, they're gone. I guess we should chase them.
Willow: No, your hair! It is adorable.
Buffy: Pretty neat, you finding the van. So ... how did you manage to ... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it?
Willow: The hard way. The spell-free way. The oh-my-god-my-head's-gonna-fall-off, my-feet-are-killing-me way.
Anya: Well, time is getting very short. After Willow did the, whoosh, instant engagement party, I got slack on the planning, cuz I figured she'd help. But now that's all blown to hell.
Willow: Standing right here. Standing right exactly here.
Buffy: Here you go. One Medley Meal. Plus I doublesized your fries... and cut way back on the cat.
Xander: Kmmmph?
Buffy: I'm probably kidding.
Manny: You're working a double-shift.
Buffy: What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? That's...so many hours.
Xander: Hey, Ahn? The way she looked... with the... face... that wasn't what you... used to look like, was it?
Anya: Is there something wrong with that? Did you think she was unattractive?
Xander: Okay, is there an answer to that that won't make you nuts?
Buffy: We missed the bed again.
Spike: Lucky for the bed.
Willow: We're not going to have to do that at the wedding, are we? 'Cause there's this last thread of dignity I've been desperately clinging to.
Tara: I don't know. He seemed ... cute. W-was he cute? I mean, I'm not a very good judge, but... I think he seemed cute.
Clem: I think he seemed cute, yeah.
Spike: I had ... a ... muscle cramp. Buffy was, uh, helping.
Tara: A muscle cramp? In your ... pants?
Spike: What, it's a thing.
Tara: Right.
Spike: Must be some late-night activities to keep us busy till morning.
Tara: How's that cramp, Spike? Still bothering you?
Spike: What? Oh. Yeah.
Tara: Maybe you, uh, wanna put some ice on it.
Skank-Vamp: Whew. What's that smell? Geez Slayer, is that you?
Buffy: I've been working!
Skank-Vamp: Where, in a slaughterhouse?
Buffy: D-Doublemeat Palace.
Skank-Vamp: Ooh. Know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you, and you've been eating that stuff ... I'm not so sure I want to bite you.
Buffy: You're dead. You smell like it. How do you get to say I'm the one who's... stinky?
Dawn: Its looks kinda ... squished.
Buffy: Oh. Yeah. But you know, you know, give it a minute, 'cause these babies really bounce back. Literally.
Dawn: Some vamp get rough with you?
Buffy: He's not getting any gentler.
Willow: Just so you know: I am prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Buffy: Will. Thanks, but no. I don't want to get all, you know -- petty.
Willow: That's the beauty. YOU can't, I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for both of us.
Buffy: Go nuts.
Willow: Duty-schmooty. I'm s'posed to be the best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichy in a dashing tuxedo number?
Buffy: No, cuz that would be totally unfair. We all must participate equally in the cosmic joke of bridesmaids-dom.
Spike: It's nice, watching you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You, um... you glow.
Buffy: That's because my dress is radioactive.
Willow: I'll say this for the Y chromosome: looks good in a tux.
Xander: Your double X's aren't doing so bad there, either.
Willow: It's a good thing I realized I was gay. 'Cause otherwise, hey, you, me and formal wear...
Tara: Sex poodle?
Anya: Yeah, why?
Tara: Uh, I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
Anya: Huh.
Willow: Hi, um... Tara. How are you? I was wondering... do you want to go out sometime? For coffee? Or food? Or kisses and gay love?
Willow: No. Buffy look at me. You're not in an institution. You've never been in an institution.
Buffy: Yes I have.
Willow: What?
Buffy: I was only there a couple of weeks. I stopped talking about it so they let me go. And eventually, my parents just...forgot.
Willow: God. That's horrible.
Buffy: What if I never left? What if I'm still in that clinic?
Tara: Hey!
Willow: Look at you. All coming-out-of-class and everything.
Tara: I do that sometimes. Usually at the end part of the class.
Tara: How's your... you know, after the basement deal?
Willow: It's between a hitch and a kink. With a side of twinge. It's okay.
Tara: And Buffy's okay too? Enjoying the refreshing sanity and so forth?
Willow: Ha! Yes! Refreshing san-- that's funny!
Buffy: Okay... can we go in that one?
Dawn: Three pairs of earrings, a change purse and a toothbrush.
Buffy: You stole a toothbrush?
Dawn: Mother of pearl handle. Very fancy.
Buffy: Yeah, but you stole a toothbrush. As rebellious teenagers go, you're kinda square.
Dawn: Dental hygiene is important.
Dawn: Uh, gosh. Did we open a chain? Are we the International House of something?
Buffy: Got up early, seemed like a breakfast kind of morning, what kind of syrup you want on your pancakes?
Dawn: Syrup comes in kinds?
Willow: It was this thing, and it came out from inside her head.
Tara: That's disgusting. What did it look like?
Willow: Well... let's put it this way. If I wasn't gay before...
Anya: Actually, there is an eensy something I could use a little help with. You're lesbians, so the hating of men will come in handy. Let's talk about Xander.
Tara: It's not really so much about hating the men.
Willow: We're more centered around the girl on girl action.
Anya: And men really like to watch that kind of stuff, don't they? Men like Xander.
Tara: Well, I --
Anya: Don't you wish his eyes would explode?
Dawn: I never use that word anymore.
Anya: Coagulate?
Dawn: W-i-s-h.
Anya: Oh, wish? As in I wish Xander --
Dawn: Right! That word. There's vengeance demons out there that are still active, remember. Any 'I wish' could totally end in horrible grossness.
Anya: Gimme a fer-instance.
Buffy: I don't really think I should --
Anya: Did I mention the whole "left at the altar" thing? Didn't leave that out, did I?
Buffy: No, I know what he did was wrong. God. I can't imagine -- It must have been torture.
Anya: Okay! Let's talk about torture!
Anya: Tell me more about wishing Xander's guts and brains would go blooey.
Dawn: I didn't say that.
Anya: Yes you did.
Dawn: No I didn't.
Anya: I heard you.
Dawn: I swear, I didn't say that.
Anya: Didn't say what?
Dawn: Um, I just saw you were back and wanted to talk about working off my debt. You know, my whole Sticky-Fingers-Grabby-Hands-thing?
Anya: Oh! Right, the mad thieving. Good, yes, there 's much to do. I'm gonna put you to work, missy! So, back to Xander's brain and guts...
Anya: God! What kind of lesbians are you?! If you love men so much, go love men!
Buffy: Okay, see, this is why a heart to heart isn't your best course of action here. You're both upset and angry and what the hell is that creepy little thing doing in my yard? Did Willow put that there when I was dead? 'Cause if I had known, I would have crawled out of the grave sooner to kick her -
Anya: I'm off my guard. Happy. I'm singing in the shower and doing my sexy dance-
Spike: Exact- I have no dance.
Anya: I have one more question-
Spike: Hmmmmm.
Anya: Can I see your sexy dance?
Dawn: So... This is it. This is the stuff you've been protecting me from? You and Spike?
Buffy: And a lot of monsters.
Dawn: Uh huh.
Willow: She told you about Spike?
Dawn: It was kinda obvious last night.
Willow: Yeah, I totally knew.
Tara: Think that's my cue to put some clothes on.
Dawn: No! I'm totally not here. You guys do whatever you want. I'll watch TV. Really loud. In the basement. Where I can't hear. Anything. Oh my god! Oh my god! I love you guys!
Willow: Please. Please... Bring her back-
Demon: You may not violate the laws of natural passing-
Willow: How? How is this natural?
Demon: It is a human death, by human means.
Willow: But I-
Demon: You raised one killed by mystical forces. This is not the same - she is taken by natural order. It is done.
(=[)
Willow: He hit Tara. When he shot you, he hit her too. Upstairs. In my room.
Buffy: Oh my God-
Willow: Guess the last shot was the charm.
Xander: She's dead?
Willow: She's dead. And now he's dead.
Dawn: I do. And you should too. He killed Tara - and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay.
Xander: Out of the mouths of babes.
Buffy: Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to, the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And we'd be able to bring Tara back...
Dawn: And mom.
Buffy: There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe it - and now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us.
Xander: I just - I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love.
Buffy: I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise you. But I won't let Willow destroy herself.
Anya: I don't need a spell. I can feel her.
Xander: You can...
Anya: Feel her. Her thirst for vengeance, it's overwhelming.
Xander: Is that like, left over, from your vengeance demon days? That you can sense her?
Anya: Not left over
Xander: If you know where she is - you can help us.
Anya: I'll help. But I'm helping Willow.
Willow: Oh. You mean, instead of killing my best friend you killed my girlfriend-
Warren: God - women. You're just like the rest of them. Mind games-
Willow: Now you get off on it. That's why you had such a mad-on for the slayer. She was the big O - wasn't she, Warren?
Warren: When you get caught - you'll lose them too. Your friends. You don't want that. I know... You're in pain but-
Willow: Bored now.
Xander: Oh my God.
Buffy: Willow - no... What did you do?
Willow: One down.
Anya: Warren shot Buffy. Warren shot Tara. Buffy's alive. Tara's dead. Willow found out and being the most powerful Wicca in the western hemisphere, she went for the payback. With interest.
Andrew: Wh-what about Warren?
Anya: She killed him. Ripped him apart and bloodied up the forest doing it. Now she's coming here and you two are next.
Clem: Still, I feel responsible. It's not fair - girl your age, cooped up in a crypt. Tell you what: let me get my hat and coat - I'll take you to a movie. We'll go nuts. PG- thirteen.
Dawn: You're back on the Magicks.
Willow: No, honey. I am the Magicks.
Willow: Did you cry? Of course you did. I get that, I understand the crying, you cry because you're human. But you weren't always.
Dawn: Yes I was...
Willow: No - please, you're telling me you don't remember? You used to be ...what, some mystic ball of energy. Maybe that's why you're crying all the time, "Dawny." You don't belong here.
Willow: Wanna go back? End the pain? You'll be happier. I'd be happier. We'll all be a lot happier without having to listen to all your constant whining.
Dawn: Willow... stop...
Willow: "Mom!" "Buffy!" "Tara!" Waah! Come on, someone's gotta stop the carnage. It's time you went back to being a little energy ball.
Willow: Let me tell you something about Willow: she's a loser. And she always has been. Everyone picked on Willow in junior high, high school, up until college with her stupid mousy ways and now - Willow's a junkie.
Buffy: I can help.
Willow: The only thing Willow was ever good for...- the only thing going for me - were those moments - just moments - when Tara would look at me and I was wonderful. And that will never happen again.
Buffy: Because you lose everything. Your friends, your self... you let this control you and the world goes away. That's not... Willow, there's so much to --
Willow: Ack! Please! This is your pitch? You hate it here as much as I do. I'm just more honest about it.
Buffy: That's not true...
Willow: You're trying to sell me on the world. The one where you lie to your friends when you're not trying to kill them and you screw a vampire just to feel and insane asylums are the comfy alternative. This world? Buffy, it's me! I know you were happier in the ground - hanging with the worms. The only time you were ever at peace in your whole life is when you were dead. Until Willow brought you back.
Willow: Come on! This is a huge deal for me! Six years as a side man, and now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy: A killer isn't a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can't conceive of.
Willow: Oh, Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy: Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a Slayer is.
Willow: Buffy, I gotta tell you - I get it now. The Slayer thing really isn't about the violence. It's about the power. And there's no one in the world with the power to stop me now.
Giles: I'd like to test that theory.
Willow: Uh oh. Daddy's home...I'm in wicked trouble now.
Giles: You've no idea.
Willow: New trick from the old dog. That's borrowed power. Now way it's strong enough to -
Giles: I'm here to help you.
Willow: Thanks, but I can kill a couple of geeks all by myself. But, hey, if you'd like to watch... I mean, that's what you Watchers are good at, right? Watching... Butting in on things that don't concern you...
Willow: Remember we had that little spat before you left? When you were under the delusion you were still relevant here? You called me a rank arrogant amateur? Well, buckle up Rupert... 'Cause I've turned pro.
Anya: I know what you're trying to do. Hate to burst your bubble, but mind control mojo doesn't work on vengeance demons, so why don't you just--
Willow: Stop talking and listen.
Anya: Okay.
Dawn: Well, feeling sorry for yourself isn't helping either, Xander. Y'know if Spike was here, he'd go back and fight.
Xander: Sure, if he wasn't too busy trying to rape your sister.
Giles: I see. You lose someone you love and the other people in your life... The ones who cares about you become meaningless. I wonder... What would Tara say about that?
Willow: You can ask her yourself.
Xander: You're not the only one with powers, you know. You may be a hopped up uber-witch, but this carpenter can dry-wall you into the next century.
Willow: I'm not joking, Xander. Get out of my way. Now.
Xander: Yeah, I get that. It's just - where else am I going to go? You've been my best friend my whole life. World gonna end - where else would I want to be?
Willow: Is this the master plan? You're going to stop me by telling me you love me?
Xander: Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but it seemed kinda cartoony.
Xander: I'm not joking. I know you're in pain. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I know you're about to do something apocalyptically evil and stupid and hey, still want to hang. You're Willow.
Willow: Don't call me th-
Xander: First day of kindergarten you cried 'cause you broke the yellow crayon and you were too afraid to tell anyone. You've come pretty far, ending the world, not a terrific notion but the thing is, yeah. I love you. I loved crayon-breaky Willow and I love scary veiny Willow. So if I'm going out, it's here. You wanna kill the world, you start with me. I've earned that.
All...for now.
long, hmm? haha!