General rambling
Okay, the Friday lessons went okay and this is what actually happened;
I get paired up with two girls. We choose a task to do and the two girls make one point of the analysis we had to make from a text. Then I make one point after I finally have the courage to open my mouth. Then the girls start to talk about where they're going to go to drink on weekend. I watch my book, listen to them and try not to make "you are so stupid" expressions. Then everybody goes to eat and I go get my cell phone from the hall (I accidentally forgot it there on my free period, glad it was still there) and come back to the classroom. There I read the text again and get a lot of new points and write them down. With those I get a good perspective. Then when the second lesson starts and we have to say our results out aloud, I only mention about the other girls' results (seriously, they weren't relevant at all) and the rest of the analysis is of those that I came up with. Teacher says "very good" and I snatch all the credit~~
Now that wasn't such a bad lesson after all. Still glad that the real teacher comes back on Monday.
The weekend in itself was quite the same as always. A lot of watchable movies came from tv though.
And on Friday mom brought me an armylike jacket that I really got fond of. I gladly went out with the dog so I could wear it...
And what the hell, I saw a dream of a teenage Russia who was spending time and having an ice cream with me and now I feel like I'd have a crush on him... this is really... weird. No, seriously. Though I don't mind.
And next some general rambling.
I've really alienated from my girly side. When I was in middle school (in my goth/metallist period), I really tried to get a corset. After middle school I realized that it really wouldn't have suit me, since it's too feminine. Nowadays if I try to dress or act girly, I'll just feel stupid like a boy who'd be forced to wear a skirt and a purse. Usually I'm okay with this, but there are times when I really would want to dress like a girl (or rarely act like one) and then I'll either feel stupid if I do it, or down because I can't do it without feeling stupid. My friends would also probably think of it as awkward if I did something like that, because they're used to the fact that I act more like a boy and don't look that girly.
And because I relate being or looking girly - and other stereotypical feminine stuff like that - with getting attention from boys, this sometimes really gets to me. Nobody has ever shown any interest in me, so this often makes me feel bad, too. Even if I always try to convince myself in stuff like this that things aren't like that, I always fail since 1) my self-confidence is zero and 2) I'm a bit paranoid in things like these.
I think I'll go to sleep now. I really managed to make myself feel down again with all this pondering. Like I always do.
(And shit the clock is 2:32 a.m.)
I get paired up with two girls. We choose a task to do and the two girls make one point of the analysis we had to make from a text. Then I make one point after I finally have the courage to open my mouth. Then the girls start to talk about where they're going to go to drink on weekend. I watch my book, listen to them and try not to make "you are so stupid" expressions. Then everybody goes to eat and I go get my cell phone from the hall (I accidentally forgot it there on my free period, glad it was still there) and come back to the classroom. There I read the text again and get a lot of new points and write them down. With those I get a good perspective. Then when the second lesson starts and we have to say our results out aloud, I only mention about the other girls' results (seriously, they weren't relevant at all) and the rest of the analysis is of those that I came up with. Teacher says "very good" and I snatch all the credit~~
Now that wasn't such a bad lesson after all. Still glad that the real teacher comes back on Monday.
The weekend in itself was quite the same as always. A lot of watchable movies came from tv though.
And on Friday mom brought me an armylike jacket that I really got fond of. I gladly went out with the dog so I could wear it...
And what the hell, I saw a dream of a teenage Russia who was spending time and having an ice cream with me and now I feel like I'd have a crush on him... this is really... weird. No, seriously. Though I don't mind.
And next some general rambling.
I've really alienated from my girly side. When I was in middle school (in my goth/metallist period), I really tried to get a corset. After middle school I realized that it really wouldn't have suit me, since it's too feminine. Nowadays if I try to dress or act girly, I'll just feel stupid like a boy who'd be forced to wear a skirt and a purse. Usually I'm okay with this, but there are times when I really would want to dress like a girl (or rarely act like one) and then I'll either feel stupid if I do it, or down because I can't do it without feeling stupid. My friends would also probably think of it as awkward if I did something like that, because they're used to the fact that I act more like a boy and don't look that girly.
And because I relate being or looking girly - and other stereotypical feminine stuff like that - with getting attention from boys, this sometimes really gets to me. Nobody has ever shown any interest in me, so this often makes me feel bad, too. Even if I always try to convince myself in stuff like this that things aren't like that, I always fail since 1) my self-confidence is zero and 2) I'm a bit paranoid in things like these.
I think I'll go to sleep now. I really managed to make myself feel down again with all this pondering. Like I always do.
(And shit the clock is 2:32 a.m.)