looming.
it's december 27. it's a wednesday. i've never been more complicated in my life. i've decided to write a book, seriously. i can never express what i feel, so i think i need to write it down. so why not a book? fictional people, places, events. real feelings, real circumstances, very very real emotion.
"And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"
this break has been a learning experience. i'm not good at being helpless. i've been rendered helpless at every corner. things happen or are happening that i have no controll over. some of them render me helpless for a long time. some of them fade. i dont know what i'm going to do half of the time.
this is the story of my life. it's masochistic. i dont have control because i know that i have control my life will be finite. it will be determined. it will be finshed before it begins. i can't let that happen. i don't trust myself to be in control.
the worst thing is realizing that you're something that you're not. that hurts. it may only be temporary. but that hurts a lot. a pain like that it a helpless pain. a pain like that leaves one staring at a wall in one's mind. a wall where a picture used to hang, but now there's nothing. and then when the pain can't seem to get worse, you realize that you wouldn't have it anyother way if you were on the other side of the wall. you would feel the same damn way, do the same damn things.
keep in mind that, despite the depressing nature of this post, it isnt entirely depressing. a blank wall doesn't have to stay blank. chipped paint can be repaired, torn wall paper re-papered, paintings restored, new paintings created. with emptiness comes a new oportunity to fill up. the challenge is seeing things that way. it's picking up and moving, maybe not somewhere new, but moving into action, remebering, learning, loving.
the hardest thing is not realizing that you aren't in control, the hardest thing is learning to love it that way.
"And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.
Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown"
this break has been a learning experience. i'm not good at being helpless. i've been rendered helpless at every corner. things happen or are happening that i have no controll over. some of them render me helpless for a long time. some of them fade. i dont know what i'm going to do half of the time.
this is the story of my life. it's masochistic. i dont have control because i know that i have control my life will be finite. it will be determined. it will be finshed before it begins. i can't let that happen. i don't trust myself to be in control.
the worst thing is realizing that you're something that you're not. that hurts. it may only be temporary. but that hurts a lot. a pain like that it a helpless pain. a pain like that leaves one staring at a wall in one's mind. a wall where a picture used to hang, but now there's nothing. and then when the pain can't seem to get worse, you realize that you wouldn't have it anyother way if you were on the other side of the wall. you would feel the same damn way, do the same damn things.
keep in mind that, despite the depressing nature of this post, it isnt entirely depressing. a blank wall doesn't have to stay blank. chipped paint can be repaired, torn wall paper re-papered, paintings restored, new paintings created. with emptiness comes a new oportunity to fill up. the challenge is seeing things that way. it's picking up and moving, maybe not somewhere new, but moving into action, remebering, learning, loving.
the hardest thing is not realizing that you aren't in control, the hardest thing is learning to love it that way.