(no subject)
There was an emphatic feeling I had while driving home from work this afternoon. I looked at the sides of the road and the crops that streched for miles on both sides of me. Tall rows of corn that rose like a forest of sweet smells alternated with the soft cover of beans, and it reminded me of what I'll think of this place after I'm gone. The roads that I'd be able to navigate in my sleep (and have) and contours of the landscape that has had it's hand in shaping me and my ideologies. Maybe not as rugged as the Montana steppes, nor as unrelenting as arid heats, but in its own something that challenges you. Hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's something that has definitely hardened my outlook on life and toughened my skin. And I'll hope to come back from where ever I decide to go, some day.
The influence is great upon me due to my outlook which while shaped in some part by my environment has been drastically affected by my father. A mountain of a man at 5'-10" he impresses upon me this desire to be self-sufficient and not relying upon anyone else. "I never asked anyone for anything and have made all of what I have for myself." And I don't like to think of things like this, but in some degree it creates a weakness in me. I haven't had the tribulations of the loss of a mother at a young age, being raised in an environment where you had to survive on little, because he gave me and my siblings everything we needed to survive. So while trying to become this individual that doesn't need anyone to survive I find myself more and more wanting people to survive. I want that life that I didn't grow up in. The getting together with neighbors to have barbacues, taking my family cross country to visit old college buddies, and having some kind of strong social network that he never trained me in nor would I say he has an intimacy of. I would say that I'm stuck where he is but that I'm slightly better off, and that is that he's got acquaintances but not so much friends. Which, the more and more I feel that I fall into his same pit of lonliness, I feel more and more despair.
Why is it that I can come to have two entirely opposite feelings in one day that can entirely hamper my ability to sleep? I'm at a point of mute consolation, a comfort entirely unappealing.
I have entirely too much introspection into my own feelings and attitudes that I feel fit to be tied. While I can peg these things down and explain them I'm unable to tell those that I'm close to or that I would like to gain confidence with. I apologize, but I'm not sorry.
Later Folks...