(no subject)
From the outside looking in you can never understand...from the inside out i can never explain. Things that go on inside this guy make so much sense. I swear everything i do has a reason and a purpose before i do. But most people dont really understand that about me. Everyone thinks i am absolutely obsessed with getting married, and i help them to believe that. Its true i do hope to be married one day, but i am not obsessed about it like i portray. I just think its funny to see peoples reactions most the time. I think thats something about me that most people kind of understand. Most of the things that i do, i do looking to get humor from. Some times i hope for so much more, but everytime i get excited things seem to fall apart. Everytime that I can remember since i was a little kid that i would get excited about something that i was going to do or something that would happen it never would happen. If i was going to a basketball game i would get sick, or it would snow really bad and we couldnt go. Or i would think a girl is really into me and that was going to go somewhere and i would get excited because thats all i really wanted...but it never works out. Things have a way of not working out exactly how i wish they would, but most the time they work out for the best. So im not worried. I am a very misleading person. I will have everyone thinking im going to one destination but i always turn left instead of right along the way. I am not a normal person by anymeans and i think thats a lot of it. I like to do my own thing, be my own person, pave my very own path that i know no one has ever been down before. Thats why i like somethings that i do that some of my peers do not like. I guess ijsut like to stand out, but not when everyone is staring at me. Ive had my breathe taken away from me twice in my life. Once was when i had a dream that i got married and i woke up thinking that i had gotten married the night before, i was truly breathless...and the other was a simple tug on my shirt, that somehow moved mountains and took my breath away. I think i mislead people a lot of times because i dont like people knowing the real me all that much. It freaks me out when people know to much. But i let this one person in for some reason more then anyone else. With that said i have huge walls that i dont let anyone break down. I have like peep holes in the walls though because occasionally i let people into certain parts. But there is that one person that i just lay the gate down for and she walks right in and finds out whatever she wants. I still put up a fight sometimes though. I trust people way too much and way too fast. And i get hurt a lot for doing that, more then anyone knows. I probably give my trust back into people too fast after they lose it. I get depressed real fast when i dont have music. Im happy most the time, as long as i am outside the doors of my room. For some reason i can get very depressed in my room when im alone. I love singing in the shower. Thats probably my happiest place in the world. Theres something so relaxing about singing while your in the shower. Especially with the lights off...even if its daytime, the sun is relaxing i think. Even on my saddest days i can sit in the shower and sing and make up new words to the song and get my feelings out there for the shower to hear and then ill laugh and feel better. Somedays i shower 4 times for some reason. I always forget to eat dinner. not always, but often. 9 pm rolls around and im real confused at what i ate for dinner because i cant remember. But then i just remember that i didnt eat dinner. so thats awesome. I hate talking on the phone 83% of the time. I like to use my phone to set up plans, and thats really all. I have the most akward phone conversations with my dad. There will be like 10 seconds of silence after every 2 sentances. which is weird because he loves talking. Im rather "shy" in groups, but i just like to listen to other people. Thats how i grew up, my mom, dad and sisters (ones 25 and the other 26) would dominate the conversation. Its not like they were excluding me, i just didnt have much to say because i was so much younger, and i liked hearing about what they did. The longest phone call ive ever had is an hour. the second longest is 20 minutes. I hate having serious conversations. I hate it. Even when its the only way, i would rather just pretend to be happy then have a serious conversation. Even when i have serious conversations online i sometimes hide my face from the screen because i dont want to see the answer to my questions. I believe that love is the greatest thing in the world. Im scared to say the word love. Thats why i always hesitate before i say it. Even to my brothers. Im always scared of over using the word because when people need to hear someone say the love them it loses some meaning. I believe that everymoment is only as great as you let it be. Ill do almost anything that anybody wants to do. Ill drive to utah and back just to say we did it. Ill spend all my money on booze because we want to have a party and no one else has money. Id probably jump off the roof right outside this door if someone wanted to jump off it with me. Ill do anything and everything i can to help you in any and everyway possible. Im scared to death im never going to find true love, even though i think people in my life love me truly. Im the worst liar in the world. I used to tell my parents lies and they would look me in the eyes and i would start to laugh. Then they would be mad at me for lying...Im still horrible at lying, even online. I wish i could be awake everyday from like 8 am until 3 at night, but i think i would die. Finally, i admire and love tons of people, all of you who read this i admire and love, and will for as long as i know how to admire and love. I am usually real horrible at showing that, but know its true. I want to be closer to all of you because i dont think you can ever be too close to your best friends. And thats what you are. My bestest best friends