this sucks
so i think i just got dumped by the band i was playing with. granted, we were just starting out, but it was quite promising. i was looking forward to hitting the road again, and i loved the guys i was playing with. we were trying out a singer tonight (so i thought). the dude showed up, and apparently he had played with the rest of the guys last night. muy interesante. so after we go through the songs a few times, they tell me that they're still praying about me being in the band, as if my position were never confirmed in the first place. and as such, they had a dude coming later to try out for the bass spot, so i should clear out. they loved me and would see me tomorrow night. riiight... just tell me i'm out, dammit!! enough of this rejection crap! i'm already dealing with depression. i've gone through a two year period where i've forgotten myself and become some cold, unfeeling thing... everything to everyone. i scare myself, honestly. somewhere i lost all my friends and they became "contacts", or "therapists", but not friends. all my friends now are musicians, and i can't talk to them about anything but music. and then... girls... ack! y'know, before i lost my virginity, i was fine. all my best friends were girls. not cuz i liked 'em, but because i was cool like that. i was a nice guy. now... seems the beast overrules everything. i talk to a girl, and one thing comes to mind. and it's not what i want. i can't seem to talk to a girl without a motive. and it's never a good one. and i hate it. once i was a nice guy. now i'm just a critical, over-analyzing asshole. with poor self-esteem. y'know, i've never once thought about killing myself. i kinda think it just wouldn't do any good. maybe i'm still too prideful. i want people to notice me, y'know? and why am i dealing with this crap? i feel like an angsty 15 year old girl. i don't want comments, i don't want advice, i just need to get this out. i know somewhere inside me that God loves me, but i have no clue why. i know He does, and that's His choice. maybe someday i'll know, but right now i feel so far away, and so lonely. i always have all the right words for everyone else, but nothing is kept for myself. am i not willing to be loved? is that it? i don't think i'm worth it, really. but what can ya do, y'know? i want to fight, but i don't have the strength to lift my weapon.