(no subject)
I feel like a wreck right now.
I don't want to be here. I've had it. 4 weeks in and I already feel like throwing in the towel. I'm quite ashamed of myself. Everything's better this year. I still feel so... disheartened.
This past weekend I went to Springfield for my cousin's wedding. I can't say that I was looking forward to it, but I still had hope. And to be honest, it felt good to see that side of the family. I hadn't seen most of them in over a year. I still feel a bit outside of them though. Anyways, Friday was the rehearsal dinner and Saturday was the wedding and reception. I really have no family my own age. The cousin closest to my age is Andrew who is 21 or 22. And he had friends there anyways because it was his sister's wedding. Caitlin has a few cousins closer to her so she went off dancing for the night. After sitting around for a bit I just decided to migrate to the kids table and color and play with stickers. I needed the distraction...because the worst part was not having Marc there with me.
A few of my cousins and aunts at one point were urging me to go dance with everyone. It's not that I didn't want to share in the celebration...its just...hard to explain.
So here I am, Sunday, back at college alone in my room. Facing 4 more weeks on top of the 3 I've already gotten through. The fact that I'll be spending this summer in Bowling Green is not helping either. I may not even be able to spend anymore time at home other than breaks until I'm graduated...in three years.
I think last year was more concentrating on getting through the first year. And now that I know I can do it, I look at three years. And its intimidating.
Help.
At the same time, though. He does so much to make me happy. I wish I could do as much for him.
<3
I don't want to be here. I've had it. 4 weeks in and I already feel like throwing in the towel. I'm quite ashamed of myself. Everything's better this year. I still feel so... disheartened.
This past weekend I went to Springfield for my cousin's wedding. I can't say that I was looking forward to it, but I still had hope. And to be honest, it felt good to see that side of the family. I hadn't seen most of them in over a year. I still feel a bit outside of them though. Anyways, Friday was the rehearsal dinner and Saturday was the wedding and reception. I really have no family my own age. The cousin closest to my age is Andrew who is 21 or 22. And he had friends there anyways because it was his sister's wedding. Caitlin has a few cousins closer to her so she went off dancing for the night. After sitting around for a bit I just decided to migrate to the kids table and color and play with stickers. I needed the distraction...because the worst part was not having Marc there with me.
A few of my cousins and aunts at one point were urging me to go dance with everyone. It's not that I didn't want to share in the celebration...its just...hard to explain.
So here I am, Sunday, back at college alone in my room. Facing 4 more weeks on top of the 3 I've already gotten through. The fact that I'll be spending this summer in Bowling Green is not helping either. I may not even be able to spend anymore time at home other than breaks until I'm graduated...in three years.
I think last year was more concentrating on getting through the first year. And now that I know I can do it, I look at three years. And its intimidating.
Help.
At the same time, though. He does so much to make me happy. I wish I could do as much for him.
<3