Bonus Round 5 - Done! **Warning: Very Long**
This is pretty unorthodox, and not something I'd recommend everyday. I'm soooo far behind on my writing stuff that I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I'm writing an open letter to someone who probably will not be speaking to me much longer, and using the word list to complete it. I need very much to vent, but at the same time I don't like using blogs to do it. The recipient is not really named Lucy, but we'll use that name. She won't appreciate it, but she can add it to the list of things she doesn't appreciate about me. Again, I do not EVER recommend this.
Dear Lucy;
I'm writing to you because our conversations the last few days seem to fall short. You seem startled by all these events and mentioned that I'm moody, lately. This is true, yes. I am still mulling the aftershock of a divorce. Both my children have expressed desires to live with me, which is causing problems with relations between my ex and I (it was an amicable divorce). She gets extremely upset when her mothering skills are threatened, and the children clamoring to spend more time with me does this. Also, I started a job in June that is a dead-end job. The more I learn about the workplace's inner workings, the more I realize how hopeless that situation is. Also, my manager there has few social skills so her words of advice always--ALWAYS--sound like a rebuke. She later then says that she isn't angry at me. Sure sounded like it at the time. I also have been putting off getting financial aid and registering for classes. Part of it is just the usual drag-ass behavior I have. Part of it is fear of going back only to fail again. Part of it is knowing that if I don't fail, I'm locked into this for the next five years of my life. You've been there, Lucy; you can relate how that would feel.
Oh, and my kids had been over for the last two weeks and I had gotten maybe 3-5 hours of sleep each day. If I'm lucky. Sleepy and moody tend to go hand in hand.
So, yes. I have been emotional. I admit it. I have done a very good job keeping that out of my day to day life, so far. That you have uncovered it only reveals a deepening rift in how things between us are handled. You ask why I cannot say nice things to you without something backhanded being attached. I have said nice things. You don't like compliments. You accuse me of lying. You get self-conscious. You say I exaggerate. Hence, a lot of compliments from me these days probably have some sarcasm attached to anticipate you shooting them down. We should probably work on this together.
I say together because you have this way of saying negative statements that did not need to be said. After our last big argument, I thought we were on speaking terms again (however delicate the balance was), so I talk to you at work the next day. You tell me how bad your day is, and I emote *rubs*. You then tell me you're sorry, but you can't accept my sympathy. That was totally unnecessary. As was asking you if you really want to get into an argument, to be told NO... and then you HAVE to get in the final word on the subject by telling me why what I said was so wrong.
You don't get to have it both ways. Your passive-aggressive behavior is frustrating, and I will not let you get away with it. If you are negative, then I am going to be defensive. Period. That's how it works. If you keep turning attention back towards yourself ("You don't understand how bad I have it over here!!!"), then you cannot accuse me of coming down hard on you when I oblige and turn the spotlight wholly on you. You cannot accuse me of hypocrisy when I have already told you what, how, and why I have done my actions in such a way that I have given you my logic.
I am tired of you being a tease. Ask me out, or leave your sexual innuendo at home. There's flirting, and there are mixed messages. I like flirting. Flirting is fun. After a certain point, you cross a line to where you are leading me on. You have no intention of going there. How am I so sure? Because I asked you out and you said NO. This requires you, now, to ask ME out--which you will not do. So. Mixed messages. Bad.
For the record? You're attractive. I like your face, your body, and your voice. My favorite feature of yours are your hands and eyes. You only let me hug you twice, and both of those times were stiff moments on your part. I know. I don't understand what you've gone through. Moving on.
You like to assert that you are not upset, which is actually Lucy-ese for "I'm really pissed off, but I'll be damned if I give you the satisfaction of knowing that." You lash out with hurtful insults. Some of them, I'm sure, you feel very proud of because of their subtlety and layered meanings. This puts me in a quandary. I either take you at face value and agree you are not upset. This means you are cold-bloodedly, deliberately hurtful. In which case you need to get out of my life right this moment. Or you are upset and putting on a brave face. Which I admire... at least, after the sting of your barbed tongue wears off.
The crux of the matter appears to take on two forms. You don't like me judging the men in your life. Too bad. They suck. End of story. They do not treat you the way a lady should be treated. You painted them in an unfavorable light initially and I took your side. Then you turn around and tell me how much they are great people and how you enjoy their company. I don't shift gears that easily. So instead of telling me my opinion is "outdated", why don't we do your favorite thing and turn the focus on you. You either lied to me, or else you feel you are at fault for these men and now declare them your good friends as a result. No, Lucy; mistreating you, deceiving you, and standing you up makes it neither your fault or them worthy of being your good friends. If you don't want me taking your side, then don't present me with situations where you want my sympathy on the matter. This isn't the stock market, where reverses are expected on a daily basis.
The other limb of the crux are the phone calls. I will be as absolutely clear on this matter as I can, since it doesn't seem to register with you. If I call you, you are always busy. When you call me, we have time to talk, usually. I have learned, ergo, that I shouldn't call you. When you tell me to call you at a certain time, I ask when would be a good time of day. You reply that anytime reasonable is good. I then call, to be told that you are busy, someone is over, or you don't have time. This isn't just irrational ranting. This is a hard and fast rule with you for at least the last five attempts to get a hold of you (only one call to date ever went through out of god-knows how many). You don't say something like, "I'll call you back when this is done--will be around?" or "Hey, call me back in an hour no matter what," or even, "Can we try this again tomorrow? Say, um, nine o'clock my time?" I'm hung up on after a very brief, unhelpful comment or two. This is rude of you. We slow people out in the Midwest call it common courtesy.
Between the two main issues, it sets up a problem where it looks like anything resembling consideration or meeting expectations is punished. I do not understand what I have done to warrant this mistreatment, and logically I can only come back to it's a control issue and you enjoy the unilateral control over someone else's feelings. I want to talk this out, but you get emotional whenever it comes up.
This conflicts with comments of how you appreciate having me around and how much you look up to me. Followed with how I'm never there for you and admonitions that I shouldn't put you on a pedestal.
Your latest upset is how I declared an ex-friend of mine is worth ten of you. Even considering how much I like you. You know what? I was having a moody moment that YOU caused, by telling me that a blog entry that YOU EMAILED TO ME is none of my business to comment upon. You were telling me that because someone tells me how bad their day is, it's not an invitation for advice. Yes--I learned that lesson a LONG time ago. Her name was Hyun Soo, a damn fine woman, and I should have kept my mouth shut. She had been in the depths of despair and I said the wrong thing. You, on the other hand, keep pushing my buttons which makes me not really care if I say the wrong things or not. See the difference? The other difference is I spent a month trying to apologize to Soo. You haven't given me that luxury nor the motivation to pursue it.
Neither of us are on an island, as it turns out. I vent about you a lot to my friends and acquaintances. It's juicy gossip to them. No, I don't dump your every sordid secret on them, though I occasionally got new nuggets about YOU in the process. Let's take a quick straw poll of their responses:
Now, I realize a lot of things. You are far from perfect. I am far, far, MILES OFF from perfect. Though it's a great town in a Walgreens commercial. I realize you have made some effort to try to reach out to me. It means a lot. It really does.
The words that stick in my mind, though, are: "I am not sure it is healthy keeping you around."
Your words to me. You've said them before, as a matter of fact. This is not a threat from me, but a statement of fact: I won't give you too many more chances to say those words to me. I won't live in a friendship constantly under threat of unilateral dissolution (translation: I'm not going to sit here and let you threaten me). Say goodbye, or make it work. Don't waffle. If it can't work then we tried, and we can move along whilst remembering happier times.
You're convinced that there is much going on in my life besides my upset at you, Lucy. And that I can't possibly be this angry or hurtful towards you because it's stuff you did. Guess what--you're right. But also guess what, the lashing out I give you is largely--mostly--for things you have done. I ALWAYS make an attempt to apologize if I think I was being unfair. I never thought I'd say these words to another human being, ever: You do not know the first thing about me. You do not understand how I feel, or what makes me happy, sad, or upset. You have no right to presume I mean anything other than what I say to you.
However, it doesn't mean I don't want to remedy that. So. We need to work on being less hurtful. Both of us. Your declaration that you don't want to complain about people anymore is nice, but doesn't address the problem. You come out with negative statements where it's unnecessary and provokes argument (or at the very least, defensive stance). I say heartless things. Rather than escalate these into vitriolic back-and-forths, we should be stepping back when it happens and saying, "Whoa. Wait--stop. That was uncalled for."
Mean what you say. Say what you mean. Great song, but oh so true words. I'm just a guy who lives 2000 miles away. I can't possibly harm you, nor do I have the wish to. Be open, and trust that I'll take it to heart. If you can't trust me with just words, then you shouldn't be trusting me with anything else. In that case, have the courage to be packing it in and tell me goodbye. I will miss you, but I will understand.
Have a good night, Lucy. And I mean that. You have someone who cares for you, even if it's not always obvious.
Sincerely,
Troy
Dear Lucy;
I'm writing to you because our conversations the last few days seem to fall short. You seem startled by all these events and mentioned that I'm moody, lately. This is true, yes. I am still mulling the aftershock of a divorce. Both my children have expressed desires to live with me, which is causing problems with relations between my ex and I (it was an amicable divorce). She gets extremely upset when her mothering skills are threatened, and the children clamoring to spend more time with me does this. Also, I started a job in June that is a dead-end job. The more I learn about the workplace's inner workings, the more I realize how hopeless that situation is. Also, my manager there has few social skills so her words of advice always--ALWAYS--sound like a rebuke. She later then says that she isn't angry at me. Sure sounded like it at the time. I also have been putting off getting financial aid and registering for classes. Part of it is just the usual drag-ass behavior I have. Part of it is fear of going back only to fail again. Part of it is knowing that if I don't fail, I'm locked into this for the next five years of my life. You've been there, Lucy; you can relate how that would feel.
Oh, and my kids had been over for the last two weeks and I had gotten maybe 3-5 hours of sleep each day. If I'm lucky. Sleepy and moody tend to go hand in hand.
So, yes. I have been emotional. I admit it. I have done a very good job keeping that out of my day to day life, so far. That you have uncovered it only reveals a deepening rift in how things between us are handled. You ask why I cannot say nice things to you without something backhanded being attached. I have said nice things. You don't like compliments. You accuse me of lying. You get self-conscious. You say I exaggerate. Hence, a lot of compliments from me these days probably have some sarcasm attached to anticipate you shooting them down. We should probably work on this together.
I say together because you have this way of saying negative statements that did not need to be said. After our last big argument, I thought we were on speaking terms again (however delicate the balance was), so I talk to you at work the next day. You tell me how bad your day is, and I emote *rubs*. You then tell me you're sorry, but you can't accept my sympathy. That was totally unnecessary. As was asking you if you really want to get into an argument, to be told NO... and then you HAVE to get in the final word on the subject by telling me why what I said was so wrong.
You don't get to have it both ways. Your passive-aggressive behavior is frustrating, and I will not let you get away with it. If you are negative, then I am going to be defensive. Period. That's how it works. If you keep turning attention back towards yourself ("You don't understand how bad I have it over here!!!"), then you cannot accuse me of coming down hard on you when I oblige and turn the spotlight wholly on you. You cannot accuse me of hypocrisy when I have already told you what, how, and why I have done my actions in such a way that I have given you my logic.
I am tired of you being a tease. Ask me out, or leave your sexual innuendo at home. There's flirting, and there are mixed messages. I like flirting. Flirting is fun. After a certain point, you cross a line to where you are leading me on. You have no intention of going there. How am I so sure? Because I asked you out and you said NO. This requires you, now, to ask ME out--which you will not do. So. Mixed messages. Bad.
For the record? You're attractive. I like your face, your body, and your voice. My favorite feature of yours are your hands and eyes. You only let me hug you twice, and both of those times were stiff moments on your part. I know. I don't understand what you've gone through. Moving on.
You like to assert that you are not upset, which is actually Lucy-ese for "I'm really pissed off, but I'll be damned if I give you the satisfaction of knowing that." You lash out with hurtful insults. Some of them, I'm sure, you feel very proud of because of their subtlety and layered meanings. This puts me in a quandary. I either take you at face value and agree you are not upset. This means you are cold-bloodedly, deliberately hurtful. In which case you need to get out of my life right this moment. Or you are upset and putting on a brave face. Which I admire... at least, after the sting of your barbed tongue wears off.
The crux of the matter appears to take on two forms. You don't like me judging the men in your life. Too bad. They suck. End of story. They do not treat you the way a lady should be treated. You painted them in an unfavorable light initially and I took your side. Then you turn around and tell me how much they are great people and how you enjoy their company. I don't shift gears that easily. So instead of telling me my opinion is "outdated", why don't we do your favorite thing and turn the focus on you. You either lied to me, or else you feel you are at fault for these men and now declare them your good friends as a result. No, Lucy; mistreating you, deceiving you, and standing you up makes it neither your fault or them worthy of being your good friends. If you don't want me taking your side, then don't present me with situations where you want my sympathy on the matter. This isn't the stock market, where reverses are expected on a daily basis.
The other limb of the crux are the phone calls. I will be as absolutely clear on this matter as I can, since it doesn't seem to register with you. If I call you, you are always busy. When you call me, we have time to talk, usually. I have learned, ergo, that I shouldn't call you. When you tell me to call you at a certain time, I ask when would be a good time of day. You reply that anytime reasonable is good. I then call, to be told that you are busy, someone is over, or you don't have time. This isn't just irrational ranting. This is a hard and fast rule with you for at least the last five attempts to get a hold of you (only one call to date ever went through out of god-knows how many). You don't say something like, "I'll call you back when this is done--will be around?" or "Hey, call me back in an hour no matter what," or even, "Can we try this again tomorrow? Say, um, nine o'clock my time?" I'm hung up on after a very brief, unhelpful comment or two. This is rude of you. We slow people out in the Midwest call it common courtesy.
Between the two main issues, it sets up a problem where it looks like anything resembling consideration or meeting expectations is punished. I do not understand what I have done to warrant this mistreatment, and logically I can only come back to it's a control issue and you enjoy the unilateral control over someone else's feelings. I want to talk this out, but you get emotional whenever it comes up.
This conflicts with comments of how you appreciate having me around and how much you look up to me. Followed with how I'm never there for you and admonitions that I shouldn't put you on a pedestal.
Your latest upset is how I declared an ex-friend of mine is worth ten of you. Even considering how much I like you. You know what? I was having a moody moment that YOU caused, by telling me that a blog entry that YOU EMAILED TO ME is none of my business to comment upon. You were telling me that because someone tells me how bad their day is, it's not an invitation for advice. Yes--I learned that lesson a LONG time ago. Her name was Hyun Soo, a damn fine woman, and I should have kept my mouth shut. She had been in the depths of despair and I said the wrong thing. You, on the other hand, keep pushing my buttons which makes me not really care if I say the wrong things or not. See the difference? The other difference is I spent a month trying to apologize to Soo. You haven't given me that luxury nor the motivation to pursue it.
Neither of us are on an island, as it turns out. I vent about you a lot to my friends and acquaintances. It's juicy gossip to them. No, I don't dump your every sordid secret on them, though I occasionally got new nuggets about YOU in the process. Let's take a quick straw poll of their responses:
- One is staying neutral. They see that we're both trying and it's the trying that is important.
- One smiles mirthlessly and tells me it's my own damn fault that I haven't ditched you yet.
- One shakes their head, empathizing. They did this long haul with a friend in the past. While they counsel me to find a quick resolution, they know there is none, and I'll see it through to the bitter end like they did with theirs. Incidentally, that friendship destroyed many lives including both of theirs.
- One says HOLY SHIT--YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH HER ARE YOU? Wow. Nuff said.
- One thinks I'm crazy. Period. I should not be trying to make things work with you. Because YOU'RE crazy. Period. This one is giving me a lot of heartache because an argument ensued afterwards and a lot of damage and hurt was caused to this person. I'm not even sure where to begin to say I'm sorry to this one. Because I chose to defend you, Lucy. Might I be a little moody, you think?
Now, I realize a lot of things. You are far from perfect. I am far, far, MILES OFF from perfect. Though it's a great town in a Walgreens commercial. I realize you have made some effort to try to reach out to me. It means a lot. It really does.
The words that stick in my mind, though, are: "I am not sure it is healthy keeping you around."
Your words to me. You've said them before, as a matter of fact. This is not a threat from me, but a statement of fact: I won't give you too many more chances to say those words to me. I won't live in a friendship constantly under threat of unilateral dissolution (translation: I'm not going to sit here and let you threaten me). Say goodbye, or make it work. Don't waffle. If it can't work then we tried, and we can move along whilst remembering happier times.
You're convinced that there is much going on in my life besides my upset at you, Lucy. And that I can't possibly be this angry or hurtful towards you because it's stuff you did. Guess what--you're right. But also guess what, the lashing out I give you is largely--mostly--for things you have done. I ALWAYS make an attempt to apologize if I think I was being unfair. I never thought I'd say these words to another human being, ever: You do not know the first thing about me. You do not understand how I feel, or what makes me happy, sad, or upset. You have no right to presume I mean anything other than what I say to you.
However, it doesn't mean I don't want to remedy that. So. We need to work on being less hurtful. Both of us. Your declaration that you don't want to complain about people anymore is nice, but doesn't address the problem. You come out with negative statements where it's unnecessary and provokes argument (or at the very least, defensive stance). I say heartless things. Rather than escalate these into vitriolic back-and-forths, we should be stepping back when it happens and saying, "Whoa. Wait--stop. That was uncalled for."
Mean what you say. Say what you mean. Great song, but oh so true words. I'm just a guy who lives 2000 miles away. I can't possibly harm you, nor do I have the wish to. Be open, and trust that I'll take it to heart. If you can't trust me with just words, then you shouldn't be trusting me with anything else. In that case, have the courage to be packing it in and tell me goodbye. I will miss you, but I will understand.
Have a good night, Lucy. And I mean that. You have someone who cares for you, even if it's not always obvious.
Sincerely,
Troy