Spain

[tres_fly_girl]

He was born 13 years and 2 days before me. We are astrologically very much the same person. Hyper sensitive but then when we're happy, we're on top of the world. When he would come home with 4,000 euros, he had that same big annoying smile I use to carry from a goodnight at work. "Tati, do you want to go to Mallorca?!", "Tatiana, do you want to go Venice?", "In september, we could go to Morracos?", "Hey Tati, my friend who lives in Barcelona invited us to stay the weekend, what do you think?" We would never end up going anywhere. Instead we would drink and eat from one chic bar to another. By 3 in the morning, it was bedtime but not necessarily but I was always tired because this was not my lifestyle, or it was but I had left it a long time ago and I was not use to it. For 6 weeks, I was passive and submissive. Someone I always wished I was, because it meant guys liked you more.(I wished) to be liked or at least to be treated as if I were liked, for once. But it was Lexatin, a low dosage anti-depressant I started taking, that molded me to conform, to behave, to allow someone to take complete advantage of me. I say, I was taken complete advantage of but I consciously allowed it and I say "taken complete advantage of" because I tend to exxxagerate situations but I don't mean to give the impression that I was mistreated. Quite the contrary. We went shopping, we cooked for each other, we spent time with his family, we did everything that I dreamt of doing with a man. He was good to me. But he was not good to himself. And he wanted me to go along with him too that same road. Three packs of ciggerates, alot of hash and alot of whiskey. These were his version of my Lexatin.
Our last phone conversation:
"Tatiana, I rather be a goodlooking cadaveour than be old."
"But what about me, Jorge? What am I going to do without you?"
"You'll have to be my widow, but I have life insurance, you'll get alot of money."
"What's wrong with you?"
"You don't want to recognize you have problems."
"Tati, yes I am very aware I have problems, you have no idea how aware I am of them, I just don't have the desire to resolve them."
"What a shame."
"Well I can't be with you. I'm not going to pretend your life is normal anymore or follow your lifestyle."
"That´s fantastic. I know my lifestyle isn't yours. Well, Tati, it was nice being with you. I had alot of fun. I hope you have a beautiful, happy life."
Silence.
"Gracias."

Click.

Without this man, I could not see myself how people see me. I saw myself so much, so much through him. And what I saw was beautiful but primarily scary and sad. But there was only one difference, our age; 13 years and 2 days. And that's how I knew to let him go cause even though I´m depressed alot, I still have hope, I'm stil young even though I'm turning 21 in a month and I feel old, I still have hope. I still have desire to keep fighting, to live a few more dreams, to keeping going no matter what.

Now that I've said goodbye, I can't help but wonder how you're doing.

Jorge, mi amor...

Te quise.