A Short Work Of Fiction
The wet, streamlined rubber thudded hypnotically as the black 86’ Cadillac convertible jetted down the main drag of the 826 e-way. Or, as it was more popularly known to the Miami locals, the Palmetto-a weaving, flat-out, high-speed burn that collided, sometimes quite violently, with US-1. Thursday blasted on the car stereo at 225-plus decibels. The
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it doesnt quite make sense, from what you have told us so far about ethan and sara.
are we supposed to know why he would take his own life after makin love with a beautiful girl, while high and drunk? isnt that what we live for? why throw it all away?
it just gets a bit confusing, like rusty said..add a hint or two.
overall, good vocab. a few grammatical errors...nothing that cant be corrected.
whats the plot? two teenagers doin the classic homecoming experience? maybe, but the end needs some work. some clarification.
i like the descriptions, very specific and varied. no repetition of same words-good job. not too many fallacies...ms. perse would be impressed.
personally, i wouldve shot her...lol.
and one question...you wrote that he let out a relived sigh...then pulled the trigger...........why is that a relief..is he so brave as to take his own life that he is not scared, but satisfied, full, whole, relieveD?
sum sentences are too long..you could definately shorten some and it will sound even better.
i was workin on a story once my freshman year and mr. siegwald (my eng teacher) helped me out and gave me good advice, and ill let you in on it... to make your point stronger, to make that emotion, that feeling that you are tryin to convey upon the reader, it can be done better if your words are kept to a minimum...yu dont have to use small words, not at all...but smaller sentences..perhaps not even full logical sentences..but short choppy ones are the ones that cause that full impact, that effect you always want your reader to discover and keep throughout the entire piece of writing.
hmm thats all i can think of right now, im just leavin for boston v. soon, so i figured i would give you some advice n few compliments =)
we have to get together, like sunday, and look at this story, or the one you were workin on at nanas house yesterday...and we can exchange our povs and proof everything. i have something you can help me edit. your skills with mine, i believe, would make fitzgerald seem like a crazy drunk..ok so he is a drunk..but a bad drunk!!!
i <3 you, see you soon. you big loser =P
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really.
a few notes from the editor to clarify though:
1. this story has no real plot, it was more of an emotion i was trying to convey, like a radiohead song: when you interpret it literally it doesnt make sense but you get a feeling. thats the point.
2. he killed himself because he was sick of getting girls drunk and taking their virginity. his conscience had convinced him it was such a lowly thing to do but he supressed the feeling and kept at it untill the pressure was too much and he shot himself.
3. he was relieved because he finally found an answer, an end, a way out to the shit thats been eating away at his soul (see above) albeit a useless and disillusioned one.
i should have clarified those points a bit more. but hey, its a fucking start.
thanks for all the comments everyone.
more soon.
-NJH
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