Life makes me sad sometimes...
I know that my journal is becoming more and more of a bitching journal but oh well. I really don't understand myself. I was going to say that I don't understand life, but more so, I don't understand myself. I feel so stuck here, I hate Dixon. And even after it being such an unsafe place for me for so long I still stay here. I use to have such big dreams. I wanted to move to New York. I wanted to be an actor. I wanted the world and I knew that it would accept me. And all I have found as I have gotten older is more and more fear and barriers. Everyone else is living their lives, while I stay home trying to keep things together. I hate this place.
I like my job, don't get me wrong but on the other hand I wonder if I made the wrong choice. Number one I feel like such a kid there, everyone is super older and my parents work there. BOTH of them. How are you supposed to feel like an adult when you still have to refer to them as mom and dad at work? And on top of that my mother is always talking about things that I do, or should do. How I shouldn't act like that, or hang out with them, or talk like that.... It is so upsetting. I am a fucking adult, I can do what I want. I always do what she wants. I came and worked there instead of working at Wal-mart again. Granted it's not the best job, but it was something. And it still would have been independence. She told me that I would become permanent, that I should take the semester off and go back when I was hired. Now she bitches that I am not at school and that I am going to get stuck there... What the fuck? I did what she wanted me to do. Now I wonder if that was the wrong choice, I don't want to get stuck. I don't want to be there forever and be like THOSE people. I want to be happy and succesful and not a fucking piss on. Then the more and more I work there, she has her friends move me around so that they will hire me. I want to do it on my terms, not hers. And worst of all, I don't know what I am doing by not going with Josh to Europe. Granted it may be following him, but who knows what could happen. And it is only a year. That is not the end of the world. I have my whole life. I feel like I should stay and do the responsible thing, go back to schoool, make some money. Sure I can go later, but it won't be the same. And who says I will be able to? What if I have kids, a job, a house, a car, bills all of it. Then what? I feel like all the decisions I make are wrong, fucking wrong. I hate this. Life is such shit sometimes. I hate not knowing, my mom said I was stupid to look for signs, What if I believe in signs? She doesn't care, if it isn't her idea then its the wrong idea. Please God, help me find my way, help me decide what to do.... I am so lost. Lost with no map to find my way back.
I like my job, don't get me wrong but on the other hand I wonder if I made the wrong choice. Number one I feel like such a kid there, everyone is super older and my parents work there. BOTH of them. How are you supposed to feel like an adult when you still have to refer to them as mom and dad at work? And on top of that my mother is always talking about things that I do, or should do. How I shouldn't act like that, or hang out with them, or talk like that.... It is so upsetting. I am a fucking adult, I can do what I want. I always do what she wants. I came and worked there instead of working at Wal-mart again. Granted it's not the best job, but it was something. And it still would have been independence. She told me that I would become permanent, that I should take the semester off and go back when I was hired. Now she bitches that I am not at school and that I am going to get stuck there... What the fuck? I did what she wanted me to do. Now I wonder if that was the wrong choice, I don't want to get stuck. I don't want to be there forever and be like THOSE people. I want to be happy and succesful and not a fucking piss on. Then the more and more I work there, she has her friends move me around so that they will hire me. I want to do it on my terms, not hers. And worst of all, I don't know what I am doing by not going with Josh to Europe. Granted it may be following him, but who knows what could happen. And it is only a year. That is not the end of the world. I have my whole life. I feel like I should stay and do the responsible thing, go back to schoool, make some money. Sure I can go later, but it won't be the same. And who says I will be able to? What if I have kids, a job, a house, a car, bills all of it. Then what? I feel like all the decisions I make are wrong, fucking wrong. I hate this. Life is such shit sometimes. I hate not knowing, my mom said I was stupid to look for signs, What if I believe in signs? She doesn't care, if it isn't her idea then its the wrong idea. Please God, help me find my way, help me decide what to do.... I am so lost. Lost with no map to find my way back.