(no subject)
I don't know why but I've been feeling really sad lately. Like everything is unraveling. It's been recent, like within the last 24 hours. That last post was how I felt last night, but I didn't post it till today. For those who don't know, those are bloodhound gang lyrics. I first heard them in the ninth grade when my friend Josh gave me their cd "one fierce beer coaster". I couldn't have described my situation any better if I had tried myself. That cd literally changed my life. I could not believe how much I related to their songs. It was one of the greatest things I'd ever heard. Their songs were so wacked out, but at the same time contained a lot of relevency. They just didn't give a fuck and neither did I. Their motto sums it up perfectly "no reason to live but we like it that way". That's exactly how I felt. It's exactly how I'd been feeling for a long time, it's exactly how I've continued to feel ever since. Sure, there are good times here and there. Sometimes they even last a while. It starts to get to the point where you trick yourself into thinking that happiness is a possibility, but sooner or later it ends, and you're stuck back in the depths of depression. Life is like a ferris wheel. You start out at the bottom. You rise to the top, sometimes you even stop at the top, but ending up back at the bottom is inevitable. That seems to be my problem as of late. I'd say ever since 2001 my life has been derailing. I started to rebuild a little in 2002, but then it all came apart again. I always look back at the past and think that things were good, but to be honest, I can remember being depressed as far back as middle school. I've always felt like the outsider, like I didn't fit in with the rest of the crowd. I mean sure I had friends, but did I really? I mean how often did I ever get a call, a visit, or a request to spend time with anyone? How often does that happen now? I'll tell you how often, never. I always end up alone, point blank, bar none. Being alone is ok sometimes, but it's not good to be alone all the time. It drives me nuts. Every time I ever try to strike back against it , it falls apart in my face. Whenever I try to make plans with anyone they never work out. People just aren't interested in anything to do with me. I would be happy if I had a group of people that cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. I have my family, and that's cool, but to be honest, sometimes I feel like I don't even know them anymore. I feel like they're off limits. My parents are always there for me. My brother is cool to hang out with, when he has the time, and he can break away from Ashley. I have fun hanging out with my sister too but She and I are apparently very different people despite our facades of sharing the same views. Maybe it's because we have similar traits that we don't get along, I don't know. I just always feel like I'm alone in everything. I need a group of friends that will be there for me and will be supportive of me. Someone who cares if I'm around, and notices the good things in me, instead of just constantly reminding me of all the bad. This isn't directed at anyone, it's just the way I feel. I feel very alone. I feel very sad. I feel like this is how it's always been and how it always will be. Even if I do find a way out, the inevitability of ending up at the bottom (as stated above) will always be there. It'll continue this way until the day I die. I do not like the thought of death. I feel there are a lot of cool things on earth left for me to experience, and I am glad to be alive. At least that much has improved from my past. All I know is that at the end of High School everything gets totally blown apart and fucked up. Things are never the same. Now as the end of College nears, I fear that the same will happen. I just want to get through all of the changes and have my life level out, carve out a nice little niche, and start living. I want to be living happy with my own routine, circle of friends, and everything out. That is my dream. To just live with a supportive group of individuals and to be able to provide for myself and do whatever I feel like doing. Hopefully at the end of my college education this will be attainable for I will have a higher level of income and perhaps less things to worry about (or at least different, less tedious things to worry about). I guess only time will tell how my life ends up, but at the moment I do not like the way I feel.