My dad doesn't know half the things she did first hand, but he can confirm that my mother lies so much she begins believing her own lies, and that she will change her story from one day to the next, even. Like when I told him that she told me she had only attempted suicide once, and he said: "That's a flat out lie." Then told me the story of how one time, when they were married, before I was born, my mother got really drunk and held a gun to her head and he had to talk her down from it.
Also there was the time, when I was 13, she was in the hospital for trying to kill herself. I wonder if that's what she was referencing. They diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder, that's where I first heard about it (lolol she also said today she had only evar been diagnosed with bi-polar. Um, no. Sorry, I trust my dad's account that you've been diagnosed with Bi-polar and BPD both in the years he had known you than your own account.)
I lived with my dad from when I was 14 (when the courts gave him custody) to just last semester. There doesn't seem to be much appreciable difference between the two.
It is possible that I could maybe live with my uncle, so I could stay in Fayetteville, instead of going back to Monticello, but then I'd have someone to watch over me. And considering he's now seen me in the ER before they were about to pump my stomach, there's not much to hide.
Right now I'm debating whether to pour out the rest of the alcohol.
Well, I'm not drinking right now. I think I would vomit.
I used to drink a lot. I can't really tell if the drinking I do now is abnormal or not, given how much I used to drink. 8+ shots every other day, sometimes every day. I don't drink that much any more.
It started shortly after my fourth girlfriend broke up with me, when I turned 18, and my dad started purchasing alcohol for me. He kept noticing how fast the bottles were becoming empty, but he kept buying it. And when he refused, I manipulated my mom into buying me huge bottles of alcohol I would stash under my sink.
... Honestly the one reason I'm kind of hesitant is because I would like to use vodka to make a vodka sauce sometime, or maybe that's just me trying to reason why I should not get rid of the alcohol.
The thing is, though, I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable- with living alone. I don't think this will get better. And I can't live with someone my entire life.
Remember how- the other night- you said I use choice words to try to get certain reactions? I was thinking about that, and I am completely opposite in real life. I'm the person who could kill themselves and no one knew was even the slightest bit upset.
My mother always told me to grow up and stop crying. Dismissing validity of my feelings, etc. I just feel insecure now. I don't like any one to know I'm weak. Online, it's just impossible to hide. In real life, it's much easier. And I do it often. I get: "But you've been doing so well... / You seemed perfectly happy..." even if I was falling apart, a lot.
It'd just be kind of ridiculous to live with someone my entire life.
... Also, I just hate the idea, really. Honestly, I can't express how much I hate any one seeing me in that sort of state. I'm probably more frightened of that than a god damned gastric lavage.
"The only way you will ever know is to stick around to find out."
To me the problem with that argument is that I've already been doing that. S'not like this has been only going on a few months, and therefore, it's very possible things will get better. It's been 11 years.
Also there was the time, when I was 13, she was in the hospital for trying to kill herself. I wonder if that's what she was referencing. They diagnosed her with Borderline Personality Disorder, that's where I first heard about it (lolol she also said today she had only evar been diagnosed with bi-polar. Um, no. Sorry, I trust my dad's account that you've been diagnosed with Bi-polar and BPD both in the years he had known you than your own account.)
I lived with my dad from when I was 14 (when the courts gave him custody) to just last semester. There doesn't seem to be much appreciable difference between the two.
It is possible that I could maybe live with my uncle, so I could stay in Fayetteville, instead of going back to Monticello, but then I'd have someone to watch over me. And considering he's now seen me in the ER before they were about to pump my stomach, there's not much to hide.
Right now I'm debating whether to pour out the rest of the alcohol.
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(The comment has been removed)
I used to drink a lot. I can't really tell if the drinking I do now is abnormal or not, given how much I used to drink. 8+ shots every other day, sometimes every day. I don't drink that much any more.
It started shortly after my fourth girlfriend broke up with me, when I turned 18, and my dad started purchasing alcohol for me. He kept noticing how fast the bottles were becoming empty, but he kept buying it. And when he refused, I manipulated my mom into buying me huge bottles of alcohol I would stash under my sink.
... Honestly the one reason I'm kind of hesitant is because I would like to use vodka to make a vodka sauce sometime, or maybe that's just me trying to reason why I should not get rid of the alcohol.
The thing is, though, I feel like I'm just delaying the inevitable- with living alone. I don't think this will get better. And I can't live with someone my entire life.
Remember how- the other night- you said I use choice words to try to get certain reactions? I was thinking about that, and I am completely opposite in real life. I'm the person who could kill themselves and no one knew was even the slightest bit upset.
My mother always told me to grow up and stop crying. Dismissing validity of my feelings, etc. I just feel insecure now. I don't like any one to know I'm weak. Online, it's just impossible to hide. In real life, it's much easier. And I do it often. I get: "But you've been doing so well... / You seemed perfectly happy..." even if I was falling apart, a lot.
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
... Also, I just hate the idea, really. Honestly, I can't express how much I hate any one seeing me in that sort of state. I'm probably more frightened of that than a god damned gastric lavage.
"The only way you will ever know is to stick around to find out."
To me the problem with that argument is that I've already been doing that. S'not like this has been only going on a few months, and therefore, it's very possible things will get better. It's been 11 years.
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
So when I'm 29 I can officially kill myself?
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It's all gone.
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(The comment has been removed)
I have never poured out alcohol before in my life.
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(The comment has been removed)
God damn, my throat hurts. It did not hurt this much last time. But maybe that's because last time I didn't pull the damn tube out 10 times.
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