Once more, for posterity!
FAST FACTS ABOUT KICKFAG
WHILE NOT ACTUALLY HUMAN, KICKFAG IS MADE OF MILLIONS OF COMPLEX PIECES.
KICKFAG IS IMMUNE TO EMBARRASSMENT AND ABOVE DIGNITY AND SELF-RESPECT.
CONSTRUCTED SHORTLY AFTER WORLD WAR II BY POWER-MAD SCIENTISTS NEAR LAKE
OKEECHOBEE, KICKFAG DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL LAKE OKEECHOBEE,
AND NEITHER DO I.
KICKFAG IS NOT A COSPLAYER, HE IS A MACHINE OF DOOM. MORE IMPORTANTLY,
KICKFAG IS NOT ONLY A MACHINE OF DOOM, HE IS ALSO A NERDY TEENAGE MACHINE
OF DOOM.
YOUR FAMILY, YOUR VALUABLES, AND YOUR FURRY HOLES ARE NOT SAFE FROM KICKFAG.
KICKFAG IS ABOVE GOD. PERHAPS HE'S EVEN ABOVE DEREK "GOKU" RICH.
KICKFAG ONCE WRESTLED SIX ALLIGATORS AND AN INDONESIAN PENGUIN IN A BAR,
KILLING ALL SEVEN WHILE ASKING FOR A REFILL OF HIS SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
THOUGH HE APPEARS TO BE ONLY 16 YEARS OLD, KICKFAG IS AGELESS.
KICKFAG IS PROPELLED BY A COMPLEX SYSTEM OF GEARS AND LEVERS THAT PROVIDE
HIM THE BRUTE ROBOTIC STRENGTH TO CRUSH THE STRONG AND CRUELLY ASS RAPE THE
WEAK.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR HUMANKIND, KICKFAG HAS NO KNOWN WEAKNESSES SHORT OF LOOKING
EXTREMELY STUPID. OUR PITIFUL LIVES ARE BUT AN ASSORTMENT OF BUGS ON KICKFAG'S
COLOSSAL CHEAP REDNECK BOOTS OF DOOM.
KICKFAG IS OMNIPOTENT, OMNICIENT, OMNIVEROUS, AND OBLIVIOUS TO THE FACT THAT
PURPLE HAIR COLOR IS REALLY STUPID LOOKING.
KICKFAG DOES NOT VISIT THE DENTIST. HE SHOULD. KICKFAG DOES NOT VISIT THE
PLASTIC SURGEON. HE SHOULD.
KICKFAG IS GIVING US THE MIDDLE FINGER BECAUSE HE DOES WHAT HE WANTS WHEN
HE WANTS.
KICKFAG IS FLEXIBLE FROM THE EXTENSIVE WORK DONE ON HIS SERVO-MOTORS BY THE
SKILLED AMERICAN ENGINEERS OF THE POST WWII PERIOD.
KICKFAG DOES NOT CARE THAT HE HAS A REALLY STUPID LOOKING HAIRCUT. HE WILL
COMPENSATE FOR THIS BY DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN HIS PATH.
KICKFAG DOES NOT LIVE IN FLORIDA, KICKFAG IS FLORIDA.
KICKFAG'S CURLY LOCKS WILL CHOKE THE LIFE OUT OF YOUR PATHETIC CIVILIZATION.
KICKFAG DOES NOT DO IT FOR THE FANS, KICKFAG DOES IT FOR KICKFAG.
KICKFAG WILL SQUASH YOU PITHY FLESH-BAGS WHERE YOU STAND.
KICKFAG WILL DESTROY THE INFRASTRUCTURE, EMASCULATE THE POPULACE, AND ANALLY
RAVAGE THE HUMILIATED SURVIVORS OF HIS BLOODY COUP.
KICKFAG DOES NOT PAY ANY MIND TO THE PALTRY MATTER OF NOT LOOKING INTENSELY
FUCKING STUPID.
KICKFAG DOES NOT SAVE, KICKFAG IS THE PUREST FORM OF DESTRUCTION THIS MISERABLE
PLANET HAS EVER KNOWN.
KICKFAG IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, THE JOLLY GOOD
FELLOW, AND PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER 1.
KICKFAG WORKS ALONE. KICKFAG DOES NOT NEED FANGIRLS OR A MESSAGE BOARD.
KICKFAG WILL BRING A NEW ERA OF MAYHEM AND WHOLESALE SLAUGHTER TO THE UNIVERSE.