Anxiety is a funny thing, even when I'm not happy I'm laughing.
End of semester break down. It's like a din of confusion and panic and deadlines all reminding me that this is adolescence but I'm being judged for my career and more money than I've ever had is on the line.
No pressure.
My eye is still twitching and my chest is searing in pain. I have a headache and I can't think straight. College is structured in a way to make us crazy, and it's working. But it's fine because then we float into Christmas and a month away to close the wounds and let our academic scars be our credits.
But wait a minute... I'm not going to have that conventional Christmas. I guess I've never had a conventional family. I moved out for good the day after graduating high school, it only makes sense that at 21 I spend the holidays in my apartment. I need a job so I can make money over break and in all honesty I don't want to be north for the holidays anyway.
I've woven myself an interesting net here. I was able to split my life in two separate moving parts a long time ago, why not add another layer? And then another. And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Where do I stop? Why should I stop? I can hardly keep track of where I keep my keys. How can I keep the separate disagreeing or agreeing web of strands of who I might someday be? If I might someday be only one at all. Either way I need to tone it down eventually. I still have some messes to make before I'm done.
I believe each individual piece of the puzzle when I look through it's lens. It all seems so clear until I pick up another piece and it becomes the only truth. How many parts can make up a whole before we just have noise?
I'll either figure it out and make a thrilling splash, or I won't and each wave will battle each other until there's silence. Nothing.
No pressure.
My eye is still twitching and my chest is searing in pain. I have a headache and I can't think straight. College is structured in a way to make us crazy, and it's working. But it's fine because then we float into Christmas and a month away to close the wounds and let our academic scars be our credits.
But wait a minute... I'm not going to have that conventional Christmas. I guess I've never had a conventional family. I moved out for good the day after graduating high school, it only makes sense that at 21 I spend the holidays in my apartment. I need a job so I can make money over break and in all honesty I don't want to be north for the holidays anyway.
I've woven myself an interesting net here. I was able to split my life in two separate moving parts a long time ago, why not add another layer? And then another. And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
And another.
Where do I stop? Why should I stop? I can hardly keep track of where I keep my keys. How can I keep the separate disagreeing or agreeing web of strands of who I might someday be? If I might someday be only one at all. Either way I need to tone it down eventually. I still have some messes to make before I'm done.
I believe each individual piece of the puzzle when I look through it's lens. It all seems so clear until I pick up another piece and it becomes the only truth. How many parts can make up a whole before we just have noise?
I'll either figure it out and make a thrilling splash, or I won't and each wave will battle each other until there's silence. Nothing.