The lonliness may actually be getting to me; I'm sure I'll deny this immediately after posting.
Last night at about one AM I started plinking away on tiny keys on my phone to re-express something I failed to adequately explain in a previous entry. It came up again because it's something I think about often. Anyway I haven't posted in a while so here is a reiteration of an old post, unedited from my phone:
I hate who I'm becoming.
I lost touch with that part of me that wanted to be good.
Its more stressful but less heartbreaking.
I guess it started when I was really young. When I did something wrong, lying got me in trouble. Telling the truth got me in less trouble. But lying WELL got me in no trouble. So being the observant child I was, I learned to lie well. Like a rat in a maze, I eventually found the easiest way to the cheese.
Then I grew up wanting to be a hero, totally unaware of my new ability to compromise my morality. When I started getting inolved with women my hero complex swelled.
Then there was Sara.
She made me feel like a hero. Everything I did around her was in some small way heroic.
It was the first time I was in love, and at age 13, I would have done anything for her.
Then things changed. She no longer saw me as a remote interest nevermind a hero. I could have leapt tall buildings and she wouldn't have blinked. She was as much a teenage girl as I was a teenage boy.
As I faded into obscurity I tried to change to catch her interest. I played up my tragic beaten hero role that I truly believed I was. Eventually in my bitterness I compromised another small part of my morality. I was going to start rebelling. That's when I met Holly. With Holly I could be the tragic hero. She saw that. She understood. What I didn't understand is that she was a wiser and more tragic figure than I was. My naïve efforts to save her from whatever I thought she needed saving from pushed her away. I found my next role. A destroyed hero. Dragging the depths, drinking, smoking, only because I hated it. Just so I could understand something I never knew. I wanted it to hurt me, I needed it to destroy me so that she would know.
Rylie showed up as a healer. She saw my tragedy and saved me from it. She kept me from fighting myself in a battle meant as a lesson that no one else was watching. What I didn't know about Rylie was that she pitied me because she was fighting her own battles. I was a break from her own dichotomy. If she dealt with my relatable issues she could ignore her own, and vice versa. We fought for each other for a long time. It was our foundation. Eventually we started just fighting each other. I was alone, trapped, and in love. I gave up my virtue of sanity. Instead of letting my issues come out to be dealt with I let them consume me. As did she. We became best enemies, but only out of fights with ourselves. We continued these fights long after seperating.
Around me for the next few years I witnessed, experienced and participated in all the cruelty that went on around me, and I became totally desensitized by it. I started to embrace my hatred for cruel people until the lines between good and bad blurred. I no longer cared when something was bad and I no longer noticed when something was good. I started to just exist.
And here I am now... Existing.
I hear people arguing outside my window. I can only hope they fight and someone gets hurt so I have a story to tell in the morning. There's a part of me that knows this is sick, but that voice is faint, and its argument is preachy and unrealistic. Frankly, I'd just like to fall asleep so I don't have to deal with this fucking headache.
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I hate who I'm becoming.
I lost touch with that part of me that wanted to be good.
Its more stressful but less heartbreaking.
I guess it started when I was really young. When I did something wrong, lying got me in trouble. Telling the truth got me in less trouble. But lying WELL got me in no trouble. So being the observant child I was, I learned to lie well. Like a rat in a maze, I eventually found the easiest way to the cheese.
Then I grew up wanting to be a hero, totally unaware of my new ability to compromise my morality. When I started getting inolved with women my hero complex swelled.
Then there was Sara.
She made me feel like a hero. Everything I did around her was in some small way heroic.
It was the first time I was in love, and at age 13, I would have done anything for her.
Then things changed. She no longer saw me as a remote interest nevermind a hero. I could have leapt tall buildings and she wouldn't have blinked. She was as much a teenage girl as I was a teenage boy.
As I faded into obscurity I tried to change to catch her interest. I played up my tragic beaten hero role that I truly believed I was. Eventually in my bitterness I compromised another small part of my morality. I was going to start rebelling. That's when I met Holly. With Holly I could be the tragic hero. She saw that. She understood. What I didn't understand is that she was a wiser and more tragic figure than I was. My naïve efforts to save her from whatever I thought she needed saving from pushed her away. I found my next role. A destroyed hero. Dragging the depths, drinking, smoking, only because I hated it. Just so I could understand something I never knew. I wanted it to hurt me, I needed it to destroy me so that she would know.
Rylie showed up as a healer. She saw my tragedy and saved me from it. She kept me from fighting myself in a battle meant as a lesson that no one else was watching. What I didn't know about Rylie was that she pitied me because she was fighting her own battles. I was a break from her own dichotomy. If she dealt with my relatable issues she could ignore her own, and vice versa. We fought for each other for a long time. It was our foundation. Eventually we started just fighting each other. I was alone, trapped, and in love. I gave up my virtue of sanity. Instead of letting my issues come out to be dealt with I let them consume me. As did she. We became best enemies, but only out of fights with ourselves. We continued these fights long after seperating.
Around me for the next few years I witnessed, experienced and participated in all the cruelty that went on around me, and I became totally desensitized by it. I started to embrace my hatred for cruel people until the lines between good and bad blurred. I no longer cared when something was bad and I no longer noticed when something was good. I started to just exist.
And here I am now... Existing.
I hear people arguing outside my window. I can only hope they fight and someone gets hurt so I have a story to tell in the morning. There's a part of me that knows this is sick, but that voice is faint, and its argument is preachy and unrealistic. Frankly, I'd just like to fall asleep so I don't have to deal with this fucking headache.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T