(no subject)
I miss having friends.
This is not to say I don't have any friends because I know I do, but I miss having close friends, the way I used to. I was always one of those people in high school who managed to have a lot of friends she could actually call "close". Then 109 pounds and suicidal I could no longer keep everything inside and I learned how few of those people were "true" friends. Even after that I still had a decent number of close friends. But I have now pushed so many people away mainly because I am frequently ashamed of the path my life has taken; that there is only one person in this world I really feel I could call hysterical in the middle of the night and honestly I'd probably be worried I was bothering her.
Obviously I can always talk to Lauren, that is not the point of this tangent. I'm not sure I know what the point of this tangent is or that it even has a point. I guess I just miss connecting to people the way I used to. I miss sitting up 'til five in the morning talking about everything and anything.
I blame this lack of connection on myself entirely.
This is not to say I don't have any friends because I know I do, but I miss having close friends, the way I used to. I was always one of those people in high school who managed to have a lot of friends she could actually call "close". Then 109 pounds and suicidal I could no longer keep everything inside and I learned how few of those people were "true" friends. Even after that I still had a decent number of close friends. But I have now pushed so many people away mainly because I am frequently ashamed of the path my life has taken; that there is only one person in this world I really feel I could call hysterical in the middle of the night and honestly I'd probably be worried I was bothering her.
Obviously I can always talk to Lauren, that is not the point of this tangent. I'm not sure I know what the point of this tangent is or that it even has a point. I guess I just miss connecting to people the way I used to. I miss sitting up 'til five in the morning talking about everything and anything.
I blame this lack of connection on myself entirely.