absurd sketch for creative writing.
Phillip Bourke
Sub-par Super Heroes
Characters:
POLIITICALLY CORRECT MAN (at podium)
PROSPECTOR PETE (old, crazy, southern accent)
BREAKFAST BOY (young and excitable)
MEL GIBSON (had a few too many)
Prospector Pete, Breakfast Boy and Mel Gibson are sitting in chairs talking amongst themselves when Politically Correct Man enters and takes his place at the podium
POLIITICALLY CORRECT MAN: As you all probably know and for those of you who don’t, I’m Politically Correct Man. As chair-person of the Mediocre Super Hero Association of America I would like to kick off the first annual MSHAA conference with a hearty hello or (air quotes) “hola.”
BREAKFAST BOY: Get on with it already; there are thousands of children out there not getting a complete and balanced breakfast as we speak!
POLIITICALLY CORRECT MAN: Have patience Breakfast Boy, we all have our responsibilities and I appreciate the time you took out of your morning routine to be here.
PROSPECTOR PETE: So what’s all the hubbub, bub? Why have you assembled us all here? I’ve got pros-ti-tutes back at the homestead that need attention!
POLIITICALLY CORRECT MAN: We ought not talk so loosely about prostitution Prospector Pete. As a matter of fact there is a huge crisis abound that needs our full attention and we must remember our pledge to rid the world of the mediocre super villains such as The Kreepy Uncle Sam, The Human Trash Compactor, and the Angry Professor.
BREAKFAST BOY (excitable): Have the Big Mac Brothers stolen the world’s supply of essential vitamins and minerals only found in found in the most important meal of the day?
MEL GIBSON(hostile): Would you cut it out with the breakfast stuff you big Breakfast baby. You call yourself a superhero; you’re one of the most pathetic human wastes of life I’ve ever encountered! I know what the big problem is--or should I say--who the problem is? I’ve known it for years. They’re a scourge on this otherwise happy planet!
POLIITICALLY CORRECT MAN: Not now Mel Gibson, this is hardly the appropriate place.
PROSPECTOR PETE: You’re not talking about my prostitutes are ya? I’ll tell ya, when I was a coal miner for ole Mr. Peabody they used to send prostitutes by the train load--enough to fill the Graaand Canyon! At the end of every month it was like moving into Fort Knox! Yeehaw!
MEL GIBSON: No Prospector Pete, I’m talking about people much worse. I’m talking about the Jews of course, haven’t you seen my movie, The Passion of the Christ?
Politically Correct Man: Mr. GIBSON! I happen to be Jewish! Would you please refrain from that sort of blither-blather! I do believe the Nazi Party Conference is down the hall!
BREAKFAST BOY (snooty towards MEL GIBSON): What’s your superpower anyways? I bet you can’t even flip a flap-jack at the speed of sound no less at the speed of light!
PROSPECTOR PETE: YEAH! Some of the finest pros-ti-tutes I’ve ever had were Jewish. You wouldn’t believe the times we used to have. It was like everyday was the Forth of JOOLY!
MEL GIBSON: I can see I’m not welcome here. I thought a super hero named Politically Correct Man would appreciate some alternate opinions. Maybe I will go to that meeting down the hall-at least I know the Nazis are open to a free debate on the solution to the world’s problems. (sarcastic) I hope you have a Happy Chanukah.
POLITICALLY CORRECT MAN: Happy Holiday, I hope you mean.
Mel Gibson (exiting): Whatever… Sugar-tits.
PROSPECTOR PETE: And we’d used to pass around our prostitutes like used needles! Yeehaw!
POLITICALLY CORRECT MAN: How inappropriate the both of you! But you’ll stay won’t you Mel Gibson? I must admit, no matter how politically incorrect you are, you’re an essential part of this association’s mediocrity.
BREAKFAST BOY (concerned): I knew it…Oh… I knew I shouldn’t have come to this meeting. Who knows what kinds of unhealthy sugary cereals people are eating with out Breakfast Boy to save them?
PROSPECTOR PETE: Come on Breakfast Boy; there are plenty of prostitutes to go around, like small pox on the old Indian reservation on the edge of town.
MEL GIBSON (holier than thou): Hey, I resent that! I made a movie about Native Americans, Apocalypto. Small pox and other diseases brought over from Europe during the Colonial Era caused great strife for the indigenous peoples of this continent, like all the Jews in Hollywood production companies.
POLITICALLY CORRECT MAN: How insightful and... offensive of you, Mel. (cautiously) Uh… I think this may be a good time to segway to the real reason I’ve invited you all.
BREAKFAST BOY: It’s about time! It’s almost lunch and I’m off the clock then.
POLITICALLY CORRECT MAN: Alright, So. Donald Trumputron and his army of arrogant business men have laid siege on Costa Rica’s banana fields planning on firing all the workers and holding a reality TV competition to replace them.
BREAKFAST BOY: Holy potassium!
PROSPECTOR PETE: Leapin’ Lizards! This reminds me of the time me and a couple of amigos went down to the red light district. Of course, this was during the Gold Rush and I can tell ya, there’s nothing a prostitute loves more than gold! Yipee! GOLD! I say GOLD!
MEL GIBSON: Ya know who really loves gold, Pete? The Jews.
BREAKFAST BOY (angry and confused): What does any of this have to do with breakfast! I’m angry and confused!
POLITICALLY CORRECT MAN (frustrated): Alright, I’ve had enough. This meeting’s adjourned!
PROSPECTOR PETE: You’re right Politically Correct Man; this meeting sunk quicker than a blind prostitute caught in a mud hole!