this girl in the computer lab keeps staring at me
am incapable of functioning the last few weeks, it would be easier if i could point the finger at something or someone for my scapegoat but there isn't anything or anyone to point at and I know its all me its sunny outside and the retarded people are starting to wear their sunglasses indoors again iwant to curl up in bed and cry to lars von trier on repeat. I managed to pull that one off last night because Heidi was in Lynwood. It is probably a good thing I don't have a single. I am so sick and tired of ocd, I am exhausted and its riding me relentlessly. I am sick of therapy and oh so incredibly damn sick of the medication. I want my head back. I am sick of being tired all the time, sick of being thirsty, sick of waking up and freaking out every morning. And I am really sick of seeing other people affected by it. I swear, no one I know understands they nod and nod and thier gaze isn't so empty, thats not the problem but their understanding is off because they think its so fixable. its just a phrase its just immaturity I don't know what to do Juli, I try and I try and I try and you still insist on being like this and I am so frustrated and I hate to see you this way. then don't. it isn't anyone's concern, no one's business, everyone's plates are chock full of grades and loans and sales and jobs and things I wouldn't recognize if it fell on me and i am so sorry, i really am because i would fix it but i don't have the vocabulary to address the problem and i think these little things are a compulsion and i know in my head or my heart that it isn't true, but either my head or my heart, whichever the latter isn't doesn't know left from right. And I hate sunny weather privately because I know its going to be that six month season and I won't get my normal heart rate back till around my birthday. I was by myself for a while yesterday and I was so damn grateful to hear my own voice again. I want Meredith back.