dont know where i belong anymore....
hi guys
well christmas was just how i thought it would be...bad. ok so here is how the day began. ok my sleeping patterns are so off its not even funny! i cant go to sleep until at least 2 and sometimes as late as 4. so yeah i sleep until 9 or 10. ok and its a saturday!!! yeah sure it is christmas but i dont know, i guess i saw that there wasnt anything to be excited about. so yeah my brother comes into my room at like 9:30 and is like "hey get up we want to open presents now." so yeah i like ok ok ok i will be out there in like 15 minutes, cause i want to wake up, stretch, take my morning piss, brush my teeth. yeah well i get done with all that and i walk into the den and i hear my dad say something along the lines of "she probably snuck out and took the car thats why she is so tired" oh my god, if he had anything to do with my life he would know that i cant fucking sleep anymore. i have talked to my doctor and she says that she doesnt want to give me any medicine cause i need natural sleep and stuff. i didnt fucking go out the night before, i dont think i went out at all this past week at night! but of course he doesnt know that he just assumes the worst. so i go back to my room to calm down then i come back out. the presents are on the couch. i had 3 to open, all of them from my mom. yep. i got two movies and a shirt. my mom also got me some perfume that i have been asking for and my new phone. i love her. i know christmas isnt about the presents and stuff but yeah it hurt that my dad didnt bother to get me anything. but yeah what eles should i expect. so yeah after that went back to my room. that was christmas. over by 10:00 at least.
why cant my family just be happy. sometimes i feel like its all me. like everyone gets so unhappy when i do something. i dont think that everything i do is bad. i got sober. i thought that would help, i dont know how to deal with things like this now, i dont remember how i did it before. i would just get high afterwards and forget it all. i want to run away but what will that solve, where will i go, i cant get a fuckin job so i have no money. im scared this is it. like this is going to be my life forever. when i think about that i would really rather be dead. my doctor gave me her cell number the last time that i went in there cause she knows that alot of people get depressed around the holidays. so i called her and talked to her for like an hour. she is great. she never sugar coats things for me. she said "christy i dont know why your parents dont care, i dont know why they arent there. trust me if i could take you away i would. but dont let them keep you down, make something of your life so that you can leave and not have to look back." i dont know how to act here anymore. i dont know if i should be angry all the time, just be a hermit, try and smile?
so i didnt get anything from anybody eles. i guess its my fault cause i dont see anyone. i mean its not like i really want anything. i just thought about it, i was thinking of selling my bass or putting it up on ebay. i dont know what i would do with the money. like there isnt anything that i want. i was gonna save for a new cell but my mom bought one for me. lately the only thing that i have been spending my money on is food. like when im over at danny's and i want some fast food or something yeah thats like all i spend my money on. hmmmm. danny didnt get me anything....yet.... i got him his presents. my mom got him socks and boxers like he wanted. but i found something that i wanted to give him and then im going to look at shoes for him tomorrow. yeah. he says that he is going to get me a kitten. but seeing as he always has to work i dont know when that will happen. meh it doesnt really matter he was the only part of christmas that enjoyed! he picked me up christmas night and we hung out at his place. watched movies. it was nice just being with him. i love him so much.
yeah this is a really long entry, all bitching and moaning but hey whats new?
well i guess thats about it. im done. i feel better, sorta.
until later......
well christmas was just how i thought it would be...bad. ok so here is how the day began. ok my sleeping patterns are so off its not even funny! i cant go to sleep until at least 2 and sometimes as late as 4. so yeah i sleep until 9 or 10. ok and its a saturday!!! yeah sure it is christmas but i dont know, i guess i saw that there wasnt anything to be excited about. so yeah my brother comes into my room at like 9:30 and is like "hey get up we want to open presents now." so yeah i like ok ok ok i will be out there in like 15 minutes, cause i want to wake up, stretch, take my morning piss, brush my teeth. yeah well i get done with all that and i walk into the den and i hear my dad say something along the lines of "she probably snuck out and took the car thats why she is so tired" oh my god, if he had anything to do with my life he would know that i cant fucking sleep anymore. i have talked to my doctor and she says that she doesnt want to give me any medicine cause i need natural sleep and stuff. i didnt fucking go out the night before, i dont think i went out at all this past week at night! but of course he doesnt know that he just assumes the worst. so i go back to my room to calm down then i come back out. the presents are on the couch. i had 3 to open, all of them from my mom. yep. i got two movies and a shirt. my mom also got me some perfume that i have been asking for and my new phone. i love her. i know christmas isnt about the presents and stuff but yeah it hurt that my dad didnt bother to get me anything. but yeah what eles should i expect. so yeah after that went back to my room. that was christmas. over by 10:00 at least.
why cant my family just be happy. sometimes i feel like its all me. like everyone gets so unhappy when i do something. i dont think that everything i do is bad. i got sober. i thought that would help, i dont know how to deal with things like this now, i dont remember how i did it before. i would just get high afterwards and forget it all. i want to run away but what will that solve, where will i go, i cant get a fuckin job so i have no money. im scared this is it. like this is going to be my life forever. when i think about that i would really rather be dead. my doctor gave me her cell number the last time that i went in there cause she knows that alot of people get depressed around the holidays. so i called her and talked to her for like an hour. she is great. she never sugar coats things for me. she said "christy i dont know why your parents dont care, i dont know why they arent there. trust me if i could take you away i would. but dont let them keep you down, make something of your life so that you can leave and not have to look back." i dont know how to act here anymore. i dont know if i should be angry all the time, just be a hermit, try and smile?
so i didnt get anything from anybody eles. i guess its my fault cause i dont see anyone. i mean its not like i really want anything. i just thought about it, i was thinking of selling my bass or putting it up on ebay. i dont know what i would do with the money. like there isnt anything that i want. i was gonna save for a new cell but my mom bought one for me. lately the only thing that i have been spending my money on is food. like when im over at danny's and i want some fast food or something yeah thats like all i spend my money on. hmmmm. danny didnt get me anything....yet.... i got him his presents. my mom got him socks and boxers like he wanted. but i found something that i wanted to give him and then im going to look at shoes for him tomorrow. yeah. he says that he is going to get me a kitten. but seeing as he always has to work i dont know when that will happen. meh it doesnt really matter he was the only part of christmas that enjoyed! he picked me up christmas night and we hung out at his place. watched movies. it was nice just being with him. i love him so much.
yeah this is a really long entry, all bitching and moaning but hey whats new?
well i guess thats about it. im done. i feel better, sorta.
until later......