(no subject)
I'm supposed to be working on my connection to the Fool. The fool inside everyone that basically boils down to our instincts -- what we "feel" we should do instead of what we think we should do. I can admit, I'm not very connected to that particular aspect of myself. In Shamanism, there's a "Sacred Key" that helps us stay connected to that Inner Fool. My journey to find mine was very…. inconclusive. Is writing really the way to stay connected? It feels like when I write, I tend to analyze more than I feel -- like writing is a way to block the feeling, rather than actually work with it. I always feel like I'm about to walk off that Fool's cliff, but I never seem to actually do it. It seems that everything is telling me the same shit -- get over yourself, your emotions, learn to feel them, quit analyzing -- but no one can tell me HOW to do this miraculous thing!
I'm trying to stay here, with what's going on, and not lose myself to electronic jumbles or WoW or books or anything else. I'm even trying to not lose myself to spirituality -- whenever I question who I am, I always wind up questioning what I am, at least in the grand scheme of What Religion Am I?
I think this is hard for me because, on many levels, I see the Fool as just that -- a Fool. Some moron about to walk off a cliff with a dog barking his head off, trying to warn him, but he's so dead set on looking up at the sky instead of where he's going that he's just about to fall to his doom. Of course, that's how I view anything that doesn't involve planning and charts and diagrams. And yet my best decisions have been made with a minimum of planning -- sometimes on the sheer spur of the moment! Maybe sometimes falling off that cliff is the best possible thing? I always seem to love stories about women who leave behind a high-pressure world for a slower one.