(no subject)
WTF
I really hate how the majority of what's on my mind lately can be summed up by an Avril Lavigne song....
I think I'm going crazy. I mean, I work all the time, had 27 hours this weekend (holiday pay WOOT) and have been practicing for the upcoming open mic appearance with Terry for at least three hours every day. I'm also kind of addicted to Kan Jam and go swimming every day and basically keep busy. Like, there's no point in the day when I'm just veggin' out in front of a TV or anything. There's a little bit of veggin' on the beach, I guess, but there's usually a beer in my hand and I'm definitely keeping myself amused.
I really thought that keeping busy would leave no time for thinking, over-analyzing every word, letting my stomach get twisted into very unhealthy feeling knots with anxiety.
But no, turns out no matter what you're doing, you can obsess at the same time.
I don't want to obsess. It's stupid. It's a total waste of time and energy and self-respect. I don't want to be that person. I mean, my life is pretty bomb. I'm cool with it. I really am. Obviously. I mean, I post about how everything's cool whenever I get on this thing, and I'm not bullshitting. I really am that happy.
So what is it about this one person that makes me feel so thoroughly inadequate? How did I take the most laid back, nonjudgmental person I've ever met and turn them into an icon of unreachable standards and self-doubt?
Fucking lame.
I feel stupid even posting this, but I'm pretty sure that poor Erin has had it up to here (insert hand gesture) with my incessant incoherency, and I still need to get it off my chest. I go from "damn my life is cool" to "I am not remotely good enough" in the same sentence, and it's not like anyone has even implied to me that I'm not enough. In fact, I hear the opposite, generally. With my ears, anyway. I don't know what happens when it gets to my brain. The words, "just be yourself, that's cool with me," go in one ear, and then come out the other as "TRY HARDER."
And I don't even know what I'm supposed to be trying.
So, like I said,
short story long,
I think I'm going CRAZY.
I really hate how the majority of what's on my mind lately can be summed up by an Avril Lavigne song....
I think I'm going crazy. I mean, I work all the time, had 27 hours this weekend (holiday pay WOOT) and have been practicing for the upcoming open mic appearance with Terry for at least three hours every day. I'm also kind of addicted to Kan Jam and go swimming every day and basically keep busy. Like, there's no point in the day when I'm just veggin' out in front of a TV or anything. There's a little bit of veggin' on the beach, I guess, but there's usually a beer in my hand and I'm definitely keeping myself amused.
I really thought that keeping busy would leave no time for thinking, over-analyzing every word, letting my stomach get twisted into very unhealthy feeling knots with anxiety.
But no, turns out no matter what you're doing, you can obsess at the same time.
I don't want to obsess. It's stupid. It's a total waste of time and energy and self-respect. I don't want to be that person. I mean, my life is pretty bomb. I'm cool with it. I really am. Obviously. I mean, I post about how everything's cool whenever I get on this thing, and I'm not bullshitting. I really am that happy.
So what is it about this one person that makes me feel so thoroughly inadequate? How did I take the most laid back, nonjudgmental person I've ever met and turn them into an icon of unreachable standards and self-doubt?
Fucking lame.
I feel stupid even posting this, but I'm pretty sure that poor Erin has had it up to here (insert hand gesture) with my incessant incoherency, and I still need to get it off my chest. I go from "damn my life is cool" to "I am not remotely good enough" in the same sentence, and it's not like anyone has even implied to me that I'm not enough. In fact, I hear the opposite, generally. With my ears, anyway. I don't know what happens when it gets to my brain. The words, "just be yourself, that's cool with me," go in one ear, and then come out the other as "TRY HARDER."
And I don't even know what I'm supposed to be trying.
So, like I said,
short story long,
I think I'm going CRAZY.