The Scars You Bear Are A Sign That You Are A Competitor...
It's been a while huh, hasnt it? It's true that women's brains are like hard disks. They store stuff and when someone else says or does something, it triggers a search and y'know how there's the Spotlight function on a Mac? It's as though a search is done using the Spotlight function and ta-dahhh there we have found the retrieved memory. I am still very much amazed at how our subconscious minds can take in and retain so much, without much effort. I for one am quite the 'smell, sights and sounds' girl. Probably more on smell and sounds. These triggers which somehow seems to take you back to that time and place, here or there, now or then, good or bad.
I've had alot of memory triggers lately. But today I had one of those which took much longer as I pondered over circumstances. I was very unhappily studying at Tate today without my beloved study buddy Val. This heatwave certainly wasnt helping either. I hadnt had my morning coffee and was feeling restless and was talking more than I usually would but obviously constantly reminded myself to keep my volume to a minimal. Cut the long story short, D, Fel and myself were told off by this angmoh guy to shut up. I could have argued back and said this isnt a quiet study area because technically it's a collaborative work space. In addition, earphones were invented for a reason. If not, I would strongly recommend ear plugs if one needs complete silence. I had all these reasons on why I should be allowed to talk at a reasonable volume. And it wasnt as though I was so audible that everyone could hear what I had to say. I just kept thinking about the situation because I really wasnt too happy that the guy was quite mean about it. He could have told us nicely but he didnt. All I wanted to do then was to yell my head off back at him.
Then after thinking about it for so long, it finally triggered an old memory when I was in the shower - I was told by my primary one form teacher to shut up because I talk too much in class. I really believe because of her comment, I was scarred for life. I remembered it was then on that I didnt dare speak up, I didnt dare be heard because I was too loud and I talked too much for her liking. It was then at that moment I instantaneously lost my confidence as a six-year-old. Through the years it impeded my growth and even though there are still things I am learning right now, but often I dont say alot of things that I probably would if not for being told to shut up when I was six. And I realised the parallel. I wasnt out of line, I really dont believe I was. But the thing is that often enough, there will always be someone out there in the world to tell you to tone it down, lower your volume even if it's at a reasonable level or worst still, to completely shut your trap. I honestly and strongly believe that the generation that we have today is a generation that is crying out, wanting to be heard, wanting to be seen, wanting to be noticed. Beg to differ? Then tell me why we have blogs, why do we use social sites such as Facebook and Twitter? A large part of today's society is lost and dying but wanting to be heard, wanting to be saved. Peter, who was one of the twelve disciples, was a motormouth but yet Jesus didnt just write him off like that *snaps fingers*.
Going back to that memory as an innocent six-year-old, it was then that I was young and knew little, believing that I was truly talking too much for my own good and placing that ceiling above my head, to remind myself to keep quiet because people dont like me to talk or be loud. And more than a decade later, a similar situation happened. This time, more ready to handle what was gonna be thrown in my face, that feeling of humiliation to be told to shut up grew as that moment kept rewinding and being played back in my head (told you women's brains are like hard disks, we even "record" it and have 'stop', 'pause', 'rewind', 'fast forward' and 'play' buttons to boot). But as a chosen one, as His Princess, as the one who was created in His image, as the one who is called to empower a generation to win a generation, as a new creation, I dont play by the rules of this world. I live by Kingdom Principles. I dont have to shut up just because this angmoh dude wasnt too happy with my reasonable volume and smiles and perhaps annoyance and/or jealousy took over and I just so happened to be someone he wanted to take the blame for his reaction when perhaps the trigger could have been something within. I'm not gonna shut up completely just because of someone else's displeasure. It doesnt mean that I stop doing what I do, stop living the way I live or even stop talking with such enthusiasm or passion.
Our generation really does need a voice. So here I am. Not gonna shut up even though I've been told to do so.