Here's what I was going to post yesterday but didn't have access too. Makes a whole lot more sense
All right kids, here goes. I've realized that through at least most of my life I've been believing in God because I wanted to, and it made sense to, not because I really knew for myself that He was real. I'm really struggling at the moment with whether or not He is. I don't know if I even want to know for sure, and that's the part that worries me most. Big parts of me just want to live life the way I want to for a while, even though I know it's likely to just screw everything up. I don't know what's real anymore, everything I've tried to depend on has given out on me. Anything I took for granted as permanent has gone away, or faded to some shriveled parody of its' former self. What the hell, why is this happening to me? I know all the right answers for people in my situation, but what do words really help eh? I've not given up on God yet, but it doesn't seem far off. I don't know how I could possibly live with my Mom if this is how things end up. I dunno. I may end up living in the city and looking for a job as a messenger or something, who knows. Things have gone better/worse with that girl than I thought they would, depending on my perspective. That is to say, from a Christian perspective I've done alot of really dumb stuff real fast, but from the other side, life with her is amazing.
Oh yeah, and I've quit the Scallywags. I'm gettin' m' Rat tail soon. I'm still not sure how I feel about all that either.
Anyone who hasn't heard Aesop Rock's album Labor Days, and by heard I mean really listened to the lyrics, you need to do so NOW. Dude's an effing genius. Nothing I've ever heard sums up so well exactly what I"m feeling and thinking.
Parts of me want to do what's right, live with my mom, believe in God, be a good boy, etc. But I'm through fakin' it. I'm not settling for what I can do under my own power in that direction. 'Cuz either God is real, and he can take care of things, and show me reality with Him, or I'm not gonna bother, 'cuz none of it is real. I've tried to hard on my own, and I don't know how to let go. So many words in my head that I've told others in similar situations, meaning them as much as I could make myself, and none of them help even a little.
I'm doin' alot better today. Actually, since last night. I talked to a good friend of mine who's been through alot of similar stuff, and he really helped me sort stuff out alot. Sarah also helped alot. Things aren't as black and white as I thought they had to be. I am who I am, even if my reasons for being so aren't as solidly defined anymore, that doesn't have to change my thoughts on everything.
Oh yeah, and I've quit the Scallywags. I'm gettin' m' Rat tail soon. I'm still not sure how I feel about all that either.
Anyone who hasn't heard Aesop Rock's album Labor Days, and by heard I mean really listened to the lyrics, you need to do so NOW. Dude's an effing genius. Nothing I've ever heard sums up so well exactly what I"m feeling and thinking.
Parts of me want to do what's right, live with my mom, believe in God, be a good boy, etc. But I'm through fakin' it. I'm not settling for what I can do under my own power in that direction. 'Cuz either God is real, and he can take care of things, and show me reality with Him, or I'm not gonna bother, 'cuz none of it is real. I've tried to hard on my own, and I don't know how to let go. So many words in my head that I've told others in similar situations, meaning them as much as I could make myself, and none of them help even a little.
I'm doin' alot better today. Actually, since last night. I talked to a good friend of mine who's been through alot of similar stuff, and he really helped me sort stuff out alot. Sarah also helped alot. Things aren't as black and white as I thought they had to be. I am who I am, even if my reasons for being so aren't as solidly defined anymore, that doesn't have to change my thoughts on everything.