My Brain Has Melted
My Brain Has Melted
I've probably set up expectations by using the word "melted" in the middle of a local heatwave. For those of you who don't live in the Mid-Atlantic area, we're having our first heatwave of the summer perhaps a bit early. It began Saturday and is supposed to end tomorrow. NOAA says: Monday 9th predicted high near 98. Heat index values as high as 104.
Tues 10th a high near 99. Heat index values as high as 106.
Now that I've disposed of the heatwave, that isn't exactly what I meant in the subject. Maybe I should have said that my brain is in meltdown. Part of it is the heat. Part of it has been stress from a variety of events I've recorded in this blog. Other factors are involved.
For example, I was just sitting here with my eyes close reflecting that I've had to get up early nearly every day for over a week now. This began I think the previous Friday (the 30th) when Demaris came for a quick visit beginning at 11. I needed to get up and clean up myself and the apartment before she arrived. I always try to go to bed early when I need to get up early; however, it rarely "takes" even if I do the old warm milk ritual. I do not do sleeping pills.
For the all one of you who doesn't know, my normal schedule now that I'm retired on disability is to go to bed about 4 a.m. and get up about 11 a.m. or noon, because I'm more creative during the wee hours. Or I was. Recently, I think I've flatlined when it comes to productivity much less creativity. But back to a quick run-down of my time-schedule between May 30th and today.
Fri, 30 - up around 8am? Saturday, maybe normal schedule?
June 1 (Sun)- up around 8:30 a.m. to be ready to be picked up for church by 10:30. A few of us went out to lunch directly afterwards, so I wasn't able to go home and go back to bed. In fact the lunch gave me diahrrea and kept me up and down for several hours Sunday and Monday (the 2nd)
June 3 (Tues) - up around 8 a.m. Needed to finish report for therapist--very tense about this-- and get myself ready to go and be at the bus stop before 11 a.m. for my appt at noon. After the appt, I took the bus from Wilm to the Newark Free Library to drop off the copy of Seabird then went to the foodstore and then hauled groceries home via backpack. Got home maybe 4:30, so I didn't have a chance to get a nap in.
June 4 (Wed) - labyrinth day - I try to be at the labyrinth as close to 1 p.m. as I can. That means getting to the bus stop no later than a few minutes of noon. That means getting up at approx 10 a.m. After I left the labyrinth last Wed., I stopped at s-A-s, to pick up more groceries. (There's only so many groceries you can haul by bus and backpack in one run.) By the time I got home, I think maybe it was 6:30?
June 5 (Thurs) - Marion Rowe Circle Spring Luncheon at noon. Pick-up at 11:10 a.m. Needed to get up, as always two hours earlier, so that was at 9:10 a.m. I would like to have gone to the foodstore that afternoon but I just couldn't make myself do it. I've lost track but I may have actually come home (at 2:30?) and taken a nap!
June 6 (Fri) - LabCorp, followed by brief visit to Newark Co-op. (Again, I intended to visit to foodstore but couldn't make myself do it. This time, I was concerned about all the prep I still had to do re the "scene" workshop for Sat a.m.) I got to LabCorp at about 10:30, though I had intended to get there earlier. Backing up from there: got to bus stop at 9:40(?), got up at 7:40(?).
Technically, I had two options from people who might have been able to give me rides to the foodstore on Friday. I was simply unable to take advantage of either offer. Isn't that pathetic? :0 No napping or going to bed early.
June 7 (Sat) - Up about 7:30 a.m., picked up for workshop a few minutes of ten. Workshop from ten until 1:30, when KB asked if I would like to go to foodstore. I said yes. We went to foodstore but I was so wipped out I couldn't get it together enough to do it properly. I got the essentials and somehow got them safely into the apartment and the necessary ones refrigerated. Crashed bigtime.
Jun 8 (Sun) - Up about 8:30 for pick-up for church at 10:30. Sat in church with half a headache, ears wide open and eyes closed much of the time. Came home and picked up crashing where I left off.
I'm sure most everyone is thinking something like, "Well, the solution is easy!. Go back to the same schedule as the rest of society!"
Not happening. If you're expecting me to do that, then there we will have to part ways.
My body's biorhythms have -never- been set up like that. I have suffered with putting up with the getting up at 6 a.m. thing all my life. I just can't understand why I should have to do it now, when I'm sick and retired.
The other thing in connection with my brain melting is my brain melting. I mean the depression, anxiety, headaches, too many demands on too little time, (this includes all of the time that gets eaten away via waiting for and riding buses; multiple trips that take others only one trip to a store, etc ) --And too few people not getting it about all of the above. I try not to let it but comments from people add in a nice big glob of guilt to the mix before another cycle of depression, etc. I try to remind myself that I'm 61 and RETIRED ON DISABILITY, so even Social Security doesn't exactly expect me to be able to work steadily at my job eight hours a day. But then...
Oh, well...
I'm going to go lie down. I've been up for something like two hours, for reasons that are entirely unclear. My head feels like someone is trying to push at it from both the inside and the outside simultaneously. Not a pain for which I would take pain medication even if I had any, but unpleasant. I had a huge cup of coffee, and I feel like I'm in a dream. I took all my regular pills. I have zero energy. And my brain is melting.
I've probably set up expectations by using the word "melted" in the middle of a local heatwave. For those of you who don't live in the Mid-Atlantic area, we're having our first heatwave of the summer perhaps a bit early. It began Saturday and is supposed to end tomorrow. NOAA says: Monday 9th predicted high near 98. Heat index values as high as 104.
Tues 10th a high near 99. Heat index values as high as 106.
Now that I've disposed of the heatwave, that isn't exactly what I meant in the subject. Maybe I should have said that my brain is in meltdown. Part of it is the heat. Part of it has been stress from a variety of events I've recorded in this blog. Other factors are involved.
For example, I was just sitting here with my eyes close reflecting that I've had to get up early nearly every day for over a week now. This began I think the previous Friday (the 30th) when Demaris came for a quick visit beginning at 11. I needed to get up and clean up myself and the apartment before she arrived. I always try to go to bed early when I need to get up early; however, it rarely "takes" even if I do the old warm milk ritual. I do not do sleeping pills.
For the all one of you who doesn't know, my normal schedule now that I'm retired on disability is to go to bed about 4 a.m. and get up about 11 a.m. or noon, because I'm more creative during the wee hours. Or I was. Recently, I think I've flatlined when it comes to productivity much less creativity. But back to a quick run-down of my time-schedule between May 30th and today.
Fri, 30 - up around 8am? Saturday, maybe normal schedule?
June 1 (Sun)- up around 8:30 a.m. to be ready to be picked up for church by 10:30. A few of us went out to lunch directly afterwards, so I wasn't able to go home and go back to bed. In fact the lunch gave me diahrrea and kept me up and down for several hours Sunday and Monday (the 2nd)
June 3 (Tues) - up around 8 a.m. Needed to finish report for therapist--very tense about this-- and get myself ready to go and be at the bus stop before 11 a.m. for my appt at noon. After the appt, I took the bus from Wilm to the Newark Free Library to drop off the copy of Seabird then went to the foodstore and then hauled groceries home via backpack. Got home maybe 4:30, so I didn't have a chance to get a nap in.
June 4 (Wed) - labyrinth day - I try to be at the labyrinth as close to 1 p.m. as I can. That means getting to the bus stop no later than a few minutes of noon. That means getting up at approx 10 a.m. After I left the labyrinth last Wed., I stopped at s-A-s, to pick up more groceries. (There's only so many groceries you can haul by bus and backpack in one run.) By the time I got home, I think maybe it was 6:30?
June 5 (Thurs) - Marion Rowe Circle Spring Luncheon at noon. Pick-up at 11:10 a.m. Needed to get up, as always two hours earlier, so that was at 9:10 a.m. I would like to have gone to the foodstore that afternoon but I just couldn't make myself do it. I've lost track but I may have actually come home (at 2:30?) and taken a nap!
June 6 (Fri) - LabCorp, followed by brief visit to Newark Co-op. (Again, I intended to visit to foodstore but couldn't make myself do it. This time, I was concerned about all the prep I still had to do re the "scene" workshop for Sat a.m.) I got to LabCorp at about 10:30, though I had intended to get there earlier. Backing up from there: got to bus stop at 9:40(?), got up at 7:40(?).
Technically, I had two options from people who might have been able to give me rides to the foodstore on Friday. I was simply unable to take advantage of either offer. Isn't that pathetic? :0 No napping or going to bed early.
June 7 (Sat) - Up about 7:30 a.m., picked up for workshop a few minutes of ten. Workshop from ten until 1:30, when KB asked if I would like to go to foodstore. I said yes. We went to foodstore but I was so wipped out I couldn't get it together enough to do it properly. I got the essentials and somehow got them safely into the apartment and the necessary ones refrigerated. Crashed bigtime.
Jun 8 (Sun) - Up about 8:30 for pick-up for church at 10:30. Sat in church with half a headache, ears wide open and eyes closed much of the time. Came home and picked up crashing where I left off.
I'm sure most everyone is thinking something like, "Well, the solution is easy!. Go back to the same schedule as the rest of society!"
Not happening. If you're expecting me to do that, then there we will have to part ways.
My body's biorhythms have -never- been set up like that. I have suffered with putting up with the getting up at 6 a.m. thing all my life. I just can't understand why I should have to do it now, when I'm sick and retired.
The other thing in connection with my brain melting is my brain melting. I mean the depression, anxiety, headaches, too many demands on too little time, (this includes all of the time that gets eaten away via waiting for and riding buses; multiple trips that take others only one trip to a store, etc ) --And too few people not getting it about all of the above. I try not to let it but comments from people add in a nice big glob of guilt to the mix before another cycle of depression, etc. I try to remind myself that I'm 61 and RETIRED ON DISABILITY, so even Social Security doesn't exactly expect me to be able to work steadily at my job eight hours a day. But then...
Oh, well...
I'm going to go lie down. I've been up for something like two hours, for reasons that are entirely unclear. My head feels like someone is trying to push at it from both the inside and the outside simultaneously. Not a pain for which I would take pain medication even if I had any, but unpleasant. I had a huge cup of coffee, and I feel like I'm in a dream. I took all my regular pills. I have zero energy. And my brain is melting.