at least it's not flesh eating bacteria?
i had my first migraine when i was 26. we were on holiday in the blue mountains for our first wedding anniversary. there was no aura, but i had the pain, the nausea, the light and sound sensitivity. and it was made infinitely worse by the fire alarm that went off in the middle of the night.
after that i didn't have another one for years. at least that's what i thought. i always associated migraines as what my mum suffered when i was growing up: hiding in a dark room, unable to bear any noise or light, vomiting, for days. it wasn't until i read an article about postdrome that i discovered migraines are a lot more varied than i realised.
over the past three years i've been getting them a lot. but overall there's less pain involved in my migraines than there is in my tension headaches. it's the other symptoms that are the real problem. for me, the pain signifies the migraine is almost over. sometimes it's not until the pain hits that i look back over the previous days, sometimes even a week, and realise that all those things i've been dealing with have actually been a migraine.
the trouble is that my common migraine symptoms are things i already live with anyway: gastrointestinal problems, exhaustion, irritability, depression, light sensitivity, nausea, yawning, &etc. what really worries me is depression as a symptom. coming out of it, i'm reasonably sure that the debilitating depression of the last two days was, in fact, a symptom of migraine. but while it's happening i can't tell: there's no difference in how it feels to be depressed because of migraine and how it feels to be depressed because my brain doesn't work properly. but this is the third time it's happened in the last year. you'd think that the crazy meds i'm already taking would be some sort of prophylactic.
since i have no sick leave left, that's two days off work i either don't get paid for or i have to take annual leave to cover.
i know i should probably see my gp about it. i should see her about a lot of things. like about how i can't believe none of the four doctors and two technicians i saw last year considered the fact that the pain i've been experiencing ever since my tubal ligation, that i had to go to the emergency room for, is probably adhesions. i self-diagnosed that a few months ago. it's one benefit of having a mother with a lifetime of medical problems, i guess. at least no one has ever accused me of being a hypochondriac.
but that's the sort of thing that makes me feel like going to doctors is just pointless. if you have cancer or a broken bone or something concretely identifiable then they can help you. if you have nebulous symptoms that aren't obviously linked to anything, all they can do is guess, unless you get really lucky. and nobody really knows what the deal is with migraines anyway.
this is probably going to sound awful. i feel a bit awful for thinking it. my mum nearly died of cervical cancer, my grandpa died of esophageal cancer, and my gran died of pancreatic cancer. i know that cancer is serious and scary. but a couple of years ago one of my coworkers was diagnosed with colon cancer. she could only work half-weeks during chemo and had months off work after the surgery. she got a card and flowers, our employer's insurance company paid for her to have sick leave the whole time, and she got a lot of support both while she was in treatment and when she came back. she's been cancer free for more than a year now and that's great. i don't begrudge her any of it. but i sometimes wish i could have an illness that was concrete like that. not because i want flowers or sympathy, but just because... i'm tired of feeling guilty. i'm tired of feeling like i need to work twice as hard when i'm at work because i'm so often not there (especially since i went part-time). i'm tired of apologising every time i call in sick. i'm tired of using up all my annual leave because i've run out of sick leave. i'm tired of taking leave without pay. i know i'm lucky to have a job and i'm lucky to live in a dual income household. but sometimes i would like to be able to put down this burden. to get to have a one year *-free anniversary. for there to be an end.
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This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. If you feel inclined, comment there.
after that i didn't have another one for years. at least that's what i thought. i always associated migraines as what my mum suffered when i was growing up: hiding in a dark room, unable to bear any noise or light, vomiting, for days. it wasn't until i read an article about postdrome that i discovered migraines are a lot more varied than i realised.
over the past three years i've been getting them a lot. but overall there's less pain involved in my migraines than there is in my tension headaches. it's the other symptoms that are the real problem. for me, the pain signifies the migraine is almost over. sometimes it's not until the pain hits that i look back over the previous days, sometimes even a week, and realise that all those things i've been dealing with have actually been a migraine.
the trouble is that my common migraine symptoms are things i already live with anyway: gastrointestinal problems, exhaustion, irritability, depression, light sensitivity, nausea, yawning, &etc. what really worries me is depression as a symptom. coming out of it, i'm reasonably sure that the debilitating depression of the last two days was, in fact, a symptom of migraine. but while it's happening i can't tell: there's no difference in how it feels to be depressed because of migraine and how it feels to be depressed because my brain doesn't work properly. but this is the third time it's happened in the last year. you'd think that the crazy meds i'm already taking would be some sort of prophylactic.
since i have no sick leave left, that's two days off work i either don't get paid for or i have to take annual leave to cover.
i know i should probably see my gp about it. i should see her about a lot of things. like about how i can't believe none of the four doctors and two technicians i saw last year considered the fact that the pain i've been experiencing ever since my tubal ligation, that i had to go to the emergency room for, is probably adhesions. i self-diagnosed that a few months ago. it's one benefit of having a mother with a lifetime of medical problems, i guess. at least no one has ever accused me of being a hypochondriac.
but that's the sort of thing that makes me feel like going to doctors is just pointless. if you have cancer or a broken bone or something concretely identifiable then they can help you. if you have nebulous symptoms that aren't obviously linked to anything, all they can do is guess, unless you get really lucky. and nobody really knows what the deal is with migraines anyway.
this is probably going to sound awful. i feel a bit awful for thinking it. my mum nearly died of cervical cancer, my grandpa died of esophageal cancer, and my gran died of pancreatic cancer. i know that cancer is serious and scary. but a couple of years ago one of my coworkers was diagnosed with colon cancer. she could only work half-weeks during chemo and had months off work after the surgery. she got a card and flowers, our employer's insurance company paid for her to have sick leave the whole time, and she got a lot of support both while she was in treatment and when she came back. she's been cancer free for more than a year now and that's great. i don't begrudge her any of it. but i sometimes wish i could have an illness that was concrete like that. not because i want flowers or sympathy, but just because... i'm tired of feeling guilty. i'm tired of feeling like i need to work twice as hard when i'm at work because i'm so often not there (especially since i went part-time). i'm tired of apologising every time i call in sick. i'm tired of using up all my annual leave because i've run out of sick leave. i'm tired of taking leave without pay. i know i'm lucky to have a job and i'm lucky to live in a dual income household. but sometimes i would like to be able to put down this burden. to get to have a one year *-free anniversary. for there to be an end.
--
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. If you feel inclined, comment there.